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How To: Enjoy a Strip Club on $30

Strip clubs are a lot of fun, but they manhandle your wallet like syphilis treats your genitals: it’s a blast while you’re inside, but the long-term effects can be devastating.  Luckily, we’ve devised a simple way for you to partake of a strip club without breaking the bank. 
 
(Disclaimer: Our $30 price tag was based on a $20 cover, plus a two drink minimum, assuming that a coke will run you about $2.50.  The price of your strip club adventure may vary slightly, depending on cover and drink prices, so look at it this way: after the cover and mandatory drinks, you’ll only spend five dollars.)
 
Step 1: BYOB
 
 
Booze at strip clubs is super expensive.  Luckily, mankind was able to foresee this obstacle centuries ago, and thus they invented the flask, allowing you to magically transform your $2.50 Coke into a $15 Jack and Coke with a single, albeit discreet motion.  When it comes to bringing your own booze into a strip club, there’s one important rule to remember: waitresses do not like knowing that you brought your own booze, and strippers love knowing that.  This is because strippers have to pay for their drinks, which is why they’re always trying to get you to buy them one.  By providing her with a free drink, you’re eliminating her obligation to whore a drink out of some sleezy schmuck, so you’re making her life easier, and if there’s one thing every stripper needs, it’s an easier life.  Be discreet, though, because if the waitress finds out about your flask, your ass will be skipping across the curb faster than a chubby schoolgirl chasing an ice cream truck.
 
Step 2: String the Lap Dancer Along
 
 

Lap Dances are the key to going broke at a strip club.  A strippers job is to elicit as many blue-balls as possible, and she’s good at it.  Plus, lap dances are expensive.  But until you explicitely agree to a lap dance, you’re not obligated to pay for anything.  The stripper, who craves cash to pay for coke almost as much as the coke itself, is going to work hard toward getting you to pay for a lap dance, and she’ll pull out almost all the stops to get you there.  She’ll flirt, rub up against you, maybe even show off the goods a little, and most likely sit in your lap.  Let her do it.  When she asks if you’d like a lap dance, don’t say no right away.  Act like you’re wishy-washy about it, and string her along a little bit.  After all, that’s what she does to dudes all night, so you might as well turn the tables on her a little bit.  Just remember that once she’s giving you a lap dance, you’re obligated to pay for it, so don’t let it get that far and you’ll be just fine, blue balls aside.
 
Step 3: Bring Menthol Cigarettes
 
 
Regardless of whether or not you smoke, your good time will be greatly augmented if you carry around a pack of menthol cigarettes, because they’re like stripper catnip.  For some reason, strippers f*cking love menthols.  Next to crack or meth, menthol cigarettes are about the worst thing you can possibly smoke.  They’re nothing but fiberglass and mint-causing chemicals, but strippers smoke them because deep down they’re a little masochistic, and they probably enjoy manifesting their emotional pain with actual, physical damage to their health.  Menthol cigarettes also compliment a good Ecstasy roll, which is a favorite of many strippers, and they make your breath smell good, which is super important when you’re trying to give people boners in exchange for money.  Not all strippers want to shell out the $6 for a pack of their own, but if you have menthol smokes they can bum, they’ll hang around you for the rest of the night.
 
Step 4: Spend Your Five Dollars Strategically
 
 
In order to ensure that you have a pleasurable strip club experience, you’ll have to make sure that you spend your extra $5 wisely.  Luckily, there’s a procedure for it.  Pick a spot in the middle of the club and scope out the scene.  Take a look around to see who’s working.  Remember: after the $20 cover and the mandatory $5 worth of drinks, you only have $5 to spend, and you’ll have to stretch that out as long as you can.  Sit and enjoy your drink for a song or two, and decide which dancers you’ll be devoting your money to.  When one of your target strippers has finally been summoned to the stage by the coked out DJ, let her go for a while, and wait until she’s removed her top.  Then, make your way to the stage to tip her.  Place the dollar in your mouth, and get a face full of tits.  Spend only one dollar, and promptly make your way back to your seat.  They don’t like it when you stand up by the stage without tipping.  Repeat this step four more times over the course of the evening, and leave happily at the end of the night, having received five faces full of glittery, sweaty stripper tits.
 
Step 5: Don’t Fall In Love With A Stripper
 
 
If there’s one thing we’ve learned from movies, it’s that falling in love with a stripper never works out well.  If you fall in love with a prostitute, you can buy her fancy clothes and invite her to elegant outings with your affluent friends, and she’ll turn her life around.  When you fall in love with a stripper, it always turns out that everyone’s vampires, or they all have some crazy disease, or you end up dying in a wrestling match that you were too old to participate in to begin with.  And that’s only if the stripper likes you back.  Most likely, you’re going to end up being the dude that she and her stripper friends refer to as "that creepy guy", who hangs out in the parking lot and asks everyone where she lives all the time.  That means you’re a pathetic sleezeball, and that’s exactly where falling in love with a stripper leads.  Do yourself a favor and don’t do it.
 

66 Responses to "How To: Enjoy a Strip Club on $30"

  1. Thunderscrotum says:

    I still can’t get past the “bring your own booze” part. Where the fuck is this strip club you went to?

  2. "the creepy guys creepy friend" says:

    Actually, when you know the strippers you can buy them a drink, it helps that three of them live on either side of you and you just happen to have a stripper pole in your basement that the new girls practice on, you know, not that that has happened or anything.

  3. Vegas says:

    If you live in Vegas all you need is a lil vip card you can find any were on the strip free entry an if its fully nude they don’t serve alcohol. Typical strip club in Vegas means You spend $15.00 for lap dances an you pre-game it outside the club.

  4. Melanie says:

    Pro-tip, guys: If you have any lady friends who enjoy strip clubs (it seems like a lot of us do, if for nothing else than to ponder the sociological impact of the club), take them along. Strippers are much more likely to approach a co-ed group then just a bunch of guys all on their own.
    Think about it , it doesn’t take much brain power to figure out why this is so.
    Plus, it is not unheard of for your lady friends to get a little tipsy and adventurous, i.e. they decide that dancing around and taking their clothes off looks like fun times. I have seen this happen. Oh, who am I kidding, I’ve done it. And, yes, it IS fun times!

  5. chronic blue balls says:

    haha its so true, if you own a pole its the the whole feild of dreams scenario, build it and they will come….. and if you have alch at you house and a lot of rufalin you will come to haha

  6. Bisketz says:

    Okay, I agree completely.

    I would like to share an old trick, that was passed down by my father:

    “Bite down on the end of the dollar, so when you get your face full of glittery boobs the dollar doesn’t leave your mouth. Most times you will get 2 full sets of boobs in your face, and on the third try they will grab it with their hand as the whip their nipples into your face.”

    Turns your 5 dollars in 15.

    If that’s not a moneyshot right into your wallets face, I don’t know what is.

  7. analsex says:

    yup, been there done just that.Also blew my load on a $20 lap dance.

  8. Jelly Roll says:

    I steal from the bathroom attendant.

  9. Jay says:

    Madonna Wants To Adopt Angelina Jolie – Read about it at http://www.squibcrib.com

  10. noahaction says:

    how is Appalachia this time of year?

  11. seearees says:

    fuck yeah, I went to a cheetahs in vegas with 2 other dudes and a chick one time and we had the hottest strippers on us the entire time. We ended up spending a couple hundred on drinks but we didn’t have to pay for lap dances or give them tips. Best night ever

  12. jesus' gay lover says:

    you can just go to thailand and get more bang for your buck. 30 dollars will get you drunk off local rotgut and a blowjob upstairs. if you play your cards right the girl will call you for an after hours fuck sexxion.

  13. thanx says:

    perfect sexy girlsss muck muckk babyy

    http://wallpapers.celebstar.org

  14. Gabrielle says:

    Men who frequent strip clubs are LOSERS in the eyes of women. Remember that, guys.

  15. The creepy guys creepy friends creepy dad says:

    Not in the eyes of the women that are shoving their tits in your face for a buck! Technically speaking you are her employer….

  16. lex says:

    i fall in love with strippers all the time…NFL betting at lines2bet and strippers rule! What better combination…

  17. noahaction says:

    look up juice bars. some towns don’t allow strippers and booze at the same place so you bring your own for a cover.

  18. Hornygoat says:

    I’ve been to a strip club where you can bring in a cooler full of beer as long as there’s no glass bottles. Strippers end up coming up to you the whole night asking for one.

  19. eye candy says:

    I dated a guy who owned a juice bar (nude dancers no booze). Single guys are cheap, couples go for a reason and they tend to buy drinks, get lap dances, or pay for other services not advertised. If you want entertainment go when they have a XXX Star appearing. Only the best clubs can afford the porn stars, but you wont see a Adult Film Star on a budget, then again you wont believe what you see when they bring in XXX Stars.

  20. Robert says:

    You mean, they really don’t love me? :)

  21. Smokey says:

    I’m pretty sure she loves me
    she always asks me to comeback with more rock

  22. Anonymous1 says:

    always save vip passes and some clubs will let you use other clubs passes. know the different type of strip clubs. the high end ones like spearmint rhino have top notch girls but they are all in it for the money, middle clubs that have alright girls and will chat you up a bit, and the low end ones that have average girls who will chill with you the whole night if youre presentable. none of this is cheap however because if you keep on turning down strippers you will be a lonely person all night. i would say that 50 bucks will be good enough to kill a few hours.

  23. Nick says:

    If you want strippers to love you, bring lots of ecstasy in a package.

    Put out one dollar at a time and act like cassanova….does it every time

  24. KING CASEMODS says:

    Dude, I’m totally going to try this shit out when I go to a strip club with my dad.

    Thanks for the info, bro.

    *brofist.jpg*

  25. Jezebel says:

    “Losers”? I would have to say, that would depend. If a guy spends his life at strip clubs..sure, loser. But there is nothing wrong with an occasional venture for the single guy. As for the relationship guys….well I can understand why you might want to but if you are in a relationship and still go to strip clubs…you might want to include your women if she is game. If not, let her in on what turns you on. You never know…she may want her own strip pole.

  26. justanotherasshole says:

    the best comment was that stupid bitch trying to defend whores….just cuz we call em whores doesnt mean we hate em.
    I like to call my old lady a stupid fucking bitch, it turns her on and its true.

  27. Oflagherty says:

    Strippers, sadly, are mostly not whores. I’m past bein teased by sequin bimbos – I just want a great fuck with a pretty girl. So, it’s a whore every time.

  28. Solutions says:

    Okay, All good tips, but come on, if the tips are published, don’t you think the strippers will get wiser ?

    My best stripping experiences (Yes Plural) I have gotten at a regular bar (in Florida).

    It seems that when you are hiring bartenders and waitresses and you happen to have a back office where you conduct the interview, applicants are eager to prove why they should get the job.

    Now, here is the part where you sexual deviants have to pay attention. There are a couple of pre-requisites.

    1. Have a camera in the office that also records voice. (It is always good to make sure the camera doesn’t cover the area in which the “Stripping and related activities” will take place. Unless you want to be come the next Girls gone Wild producer.
    2. Make sure the microphone works
    3. Make sure not to hint, ask or force the “Applicant” to perform any sexual acts or show of assets (That’s Jail time)
    4. Stare at her assets as often as possible and try to get caught
    5. (I repeat) Make sure not to hint, ask or force the “Applicant” to perform any sexual acts or show of assets
    6. Make sure when she does something “Inappropriate” you say “Jokingly” :”this is not part of the interview.” or something to that effect.
    7. Enjoy the show… or the “whatever” that is to happen next.

    Conclusion: In the year and a half that I “MANAGED” the bar, I have enjoyed many talented woman and was amazed at the lengths their were willing to go to get a job. Unfortunately I could not give all of them a job.

    Oh yes, please don’t do this if you manage a bar for an international chain… They frown upon such a behavior.

    PS. Keep the tape as a legal deterrent for any possible legal action.

  29. Raoul Duke says:

    Are you done with the bullshit, I was married to one fella’s
    You are going to get fucked, but you are not getting laid!!!!This is the Stripper Creedo.. Wise up and don’t get bent and yeah They are the worst bitches to hook up with!!!!!!!! They are Bi Sexual, and some are actually Gay…
    and they have a lot of kids they have’t told you about…The sex is great though But I digress don’t marry one if you do. Get a escape plan together, trust me you will need one, They will all do the same things….

  30. isidro says:

    Hey I like what you said and I will like to a strip nude an stuff me and me wify and spend the right place were can I go

  31. Nix says:

    Um, I need to call bullshit on Number 1.

    Actually, strippers pay off the bartenders to serve them non-alcoholic drinks when patrons buy the drinks for them. They don’t want to be drunk around a lot of sleazy, shady clients – they need to keep their heads to fend off potential attacks. No stripper in her right mind would EVER accept a drink provided by a patron – who knows what’s been put in it?

    If you buy a drink for a stripper, chances are you are shelling out seven bucks for a dixie cup of sprite or water. It pays for clients to think a stripper is drunk and that they might actually have a real “chance” with them.

  32. anonymous1 says:

    i was talking up a stripper once and she said they actually had a quota of drinks they had to get patrons to buy for them, and of course the drinks are ridiculously watered down, so you’re pretty much just giving the bar $10 to give the girl a grapefruit juice.

  33. Yea boiiiii says:

    Good to know, Ill remember that when I go to strip clubs

  34. Right... says:

    Because strippers are known for their honesty…

  35. south says:

    “I was talking up a stripper once and she said they actually had a quota of drinks they had to get patrons to buy for them, and of course the drinks are ridiculously watered down, so you’re pretty much just giving the bar $10 to give the girl a grapefruit juice.”
    This is soooooo true, and beware if you’re sat down at the bar and a stripper seats besides you with a drink and stars to chat with you… you will pay for that drink too. You know, sometimes is “hard” to “talk” with the bouncer

  36. titties says:

    This happened like once, but the one of the times i was at a strip club a stripper bought a drink and she was trying so hard to get me to buy a lap top i drank like half of her drink..and it was acually pretty strong

  37. Troll Bitch says:

    “This happened like once, but the one of the times i was at a strip club a stripper bought a drink and she was trying so hard to get me to buy a lap top i drank like half of her drink..and it was acually pretty strong”—— Grammar fail.

  38. ilovetexASS says:

    i dont know where yall come from but, in houston texas, on richmond street, where the hottest strippers are….
    there are girls who walk around with a plater full of shots.
    and the strippers drink them like water when i buy them for them. and there is zero water mixed.
    …and o yea by the way…all strip clubs in houston are BUTTASSNAKED yeaaaaa….just another reason why
    TEXAS > where you’re from

  39. DALLAS says:

    DAMN RIGHT Only Those Texas Girls Can Handle Their Liquor On The Job,

    TEXAS BITCHES WHERE YOU AT!?

  40. Odin says:

    Canada>Texas

    1 texas is full of steers queers, and queers in denial who bea up theire queer buddies.

    2 canada is fully nude, 19 is the age limit. and you can touch them

    TRUMPTED

  41. Dey took R jobz says:

    Ummm, actually:
    The Rest of United States> New Jersey> Herpes> Gas Station Bathroom> Mexico> Expired Milk> Teletubbies> Canada

  42. BOOM says:

    hahaha so true Canada blows, like hardcore cock, who wants to see Canadian women anyways? I go to school in Nebraska, but I’m from Texas and I’ve been to a few clubs in Iowa, Chicago, Kansas City and Dallas and the strip clubs in KC and Dallas were both MIND FUCKING BLOWING.

  43. "that creepy guy" says:

    i always get searched going into strip clubs, they would definately find my flask. not my chloriform though, i leave that in the car until closing time.

  44. Word says:

    Do you leave your shovel in the car too? Or do you usually have to run back home to pick it up?

  45. ny says:

    this dude is a fucking physco

  46. ny says:

    this dude is a fucking idiot

  47. Stoopid 2124134 says:

    OR you could arrange a weekend trip to Mexico where you get lap dances for 2$

  48. aflac says:

    and a case of swine flu

  49. Rich says:

    Epic lol +1

  50. Teddy Picker says:

    If you get cheap lap dances in Mexico and swine flu is the ONLY thing you catch, I would say you had a pretty good weekend.

  51. TheAndySan says:

    Epic Lol +1, Teddy!

  52. Road King says:

    Lap dances can be good…never hurts ya if someone else pays for it.. & don’t fucking tip them, lol

  53. Willrust says:

    I have to say that rule #1 for the ultimate strip club outing is bring an attractive female with you. You can be the sleazy guy watching for free all night as they give free lap dances to your companion, and nobody will even bat an eye for the staring.

    As for the flask idea, nix that and bring an ounce of coke (not the carbonated beverage) instead.

    Also, everyone should know this rule, but you left it out for some unknown reason, wear thin pants and no underwear.

    If you can get it by security, try sneaking in a pocket rocket for your stripper. Don’t forget that they also get blue balls and sometimes have to sneak off to the back to rub one out. They might as well do that in front of you for free with the vibe you provide them.

  54. Troll Bitch says:

    So how long have you been on the “Sex Offender” list for?

  55. Master Of None says:

    I love these How To lists

  56. Anonymous says:

    Dude, you’re still going to have that “deer in headlights/I just shit my pants” look the first time you go into a strip club.

  57. hoosam says:

    hgfhgnv b

  58. Road King says:

    Best Lap Dance for the buck are outside of Portland, Maine

    “Topless Donut Shop”

    Got to get there early as the donuts will go stale, lol

  59. PJ says:

    $40 maybe, but not $30 just because it’s almost impossible to get the flask in there. You will have to buy at least $15 worth of drinks.

    As far as the whores go, don’t EVER give more than a buck at a time. You do that once and the money train begins. Them bitches line up for money really quickly and before you know it you won’t have even gas money left.

  60. SMRTRTHNU says:

    “whores”? They’re women, people and working hard to remove money from horny losers. Maybe if you respect yourself more, you’ll be able to respect other — no matter their profession.

  61. P says:

    yes, naked women selling their bodies, or more commonly known as whores……………….

  62. Troll Bitch says:

    Ha P… lol+1

  63. I'm a Mac says:

    i have less respect for strippers than i do for prostitutes, just because thay don’t give you what you pay for.

  64. DamnRightImaBitch! says:

    Whores?
    wow, well if you really think of them as whores then you are stupid as fuck. Just because your a horny ass loser with a 1 in dick and no REAL whore off the street would want to fuck you for $20 it doesn’t mean that you can call strippers whores. Alas my dear uneducated cheap fuck,please have a little more respect for those hard working Strippers who so easily give you a boner each time you cheap out in a strip club. Also if you think so poorly of strippers or must i repeat your stupidity, “them Bitches” why in the world do you go and see them still? Could it be because you can’t get laid and prefer to get blue balls from a stripper rather then being home all alone jacking off to a picture of a girl you can’t and most likely will never fuck?

  65. Sir Lancelot says:

    White-knighting for strippers lol… somebody’s desperate :)

  66. christian says:

    and a BJ for $5