Strip clubs are a lot of fun, but they manhandle your wallet like syphilis treats your genitals: it’s a blast while you’re inside, but the long-term effects can be devastating. Luckily, we’ve devised a simple way for you to partake of a strip club without breaking the bank.
(Disclaimer: Our $30 price tag was based on a $20 cover, plus a two drink minimum, assuming that a coke will run you about $2.50. The price of your strip club adventure may vary slightly, depending on cover and drink prices, so look at it this way: after the cover and mandatory drinks, you’ll only spend five dollars.)
Step 1: BYOB
Booze at strip clubs is super expensive. Luckily, mankind was able to foresee this obstacle centuries ago, and thus they invented the flask, allowing you to magically transform your $2.50 Coke into a $15 Jack and Coke with a single, albeit discreet motion. When it comes to bringing your own booze into a strip club, there’s one important rule to remember: waitresses do not like knowing that you brought your own booze, and strippers love knowing that. This is because strippers have to pay for their drinks, which is why they’re always trying to get you to buy them one. By providing her with a free drink, you’re eliminating her obligation to whore a drink out of some sleezy schmuck, so you’re making her life easier, and if there’s one thing every stripper needs, it’s an easier life. Be discreet, though, because if the waitress finds out about your flask, your ass will be skipping across the curb faster than a chubby schoolgirl chasing an ice cream truck.
Step 2: String the Lap Dancer Along
Lap Dances are the key to going broke at a strip club. A strippers job is to elicit as many blue-balls as possible, and she’s good at it. Plus, lap dances are expensive. But until you explicitely agree to a lap dance, you’re not obligated to pay for anything. The stripper, who craves cash to pay for coke almost as much as the coke itself, is going to work hard toward getting you to pay for a lap dance, and she’ll pull out almost all the stops to get you there. She’ll flirt, rub up against you, maybe even show off the goods a little, and most likely sit in your lap. Let her do it. When she asks if you’d like a lap dance, don’t say no right away. Act like you’re wishy-washy about it, and string her along a little bit. After all, that’s what she does to dudes all night, so you might as well turn the tables on her a little bit. Just remember that once she’s giving you a lap dance, you’re obligated to pay for it, so don’t let it get that far and you’ll be just fine, blue balls aside.
Step 3: Bring Menthol Cigarettes
Regardless of whether or not you smoke, your good time will be greatly augmented if you carry around a pack of menthol cigarettes, because they’re like stripper catnip. For some reason, strippers f*cking love menthols. Next to crack or meth, menthol cigarettes are about the worst thing you can possibly smoke. They’re nothing but fiberglass and mint-causing chemicals, but strippers smoke them because deep down they’re a little masochistic, and they probably enjoy manifesting their emotional pain with actual, physical damage to their health. Menthol cigarettes also compliment a good Ecstasy roll, which is a favorite of many strippers, and they make your breath smell good, which is super important when you’re trying to give people boners in exchange for money. Not all strippers want to shell out the $6 for a pack of their own, but if you have menthol smokes they can bum, they’ll hang around you for the rest of the night.
Step 4: Spend Your Five Dollars Strategically
In order to ensure that you have a pleasurable strip club experience, you’ll have to make sure that you spend your extra $5 wisely. Luckily, there’s a procedure for it. Pick a spot in the middle of the club and scope out the scene. Take a look around to see who’s working. Remember: after the $20 cover and the mandatory $5 worth of drinks, you only have $5 to spend, and you’ll have to stretch that out as long as you can. Sit and enjoy your drink for a song or two, and decide which dancers you’ll be devoting your money to. When one of your target strippers has finally been summoned to the stage by the coked out DJ, let her go for a while, and wait until she’s removed her top. Then, make your way to the stage to tip her. Place the dollar in your mouth, and get a face full of tits. Spend only one dollar, and promptly make your way back to your seat. They don’t like it when you stand up by the stage without tipping. Repeat this step four more times over the course of the evening, and leave happily at the end of the night, having received five faces full of glittery, sweaty stripper tits.
Step 5: Don’t Fall In Love With A Stripper
If there’s one thing we’ve learned from movies, it’s that falling in love with a stripper never works out well. If you fall in love with a prostitute, you can buy her fancy clothes and invite her to elegant outings with your affluent friends, and she’ll turn her life around. When you fall in love with a stripper, it always turns out that everyone’s vampires, or they all have some crazy disease, or you end up dying in a wrestling match that you were too old to participate in to begin with. And that’s only if the stripper likes you back. Most likely, you’re going to end up being the dude that she and her stripper friends refer to as "that creepy guy", who hangs out in the parking lot and asks everyone where she lives all the time. That means you’re a pathetic sleezeball, and that’s exactly where falling in love with a stripper leads. Do yourself a favor and don’t do it.