How Facebook Lost 6 Million US Subscribers

If you’re wandering around the internet lately, you’re seeing stories about the Facebook site that the Zuckercorn boy owns.  Either it’s about their inflated evaluation which may be a scam from investors or its about how the massive social networking juggernaut, the only site we’ve ever called a juggernauts with the exception of Juggernauts.com, the only busty astronaut-themed site we ever loved, which we used to subscribe to until break banned it, is losing subscribers.  But is Facebook losing subscribers?

Theories abound for Facebook’s massive loss, from people losing interest to the site simply running out of faces to book.  But the truth is none of this is true.  The truth is more sinister and diabolical than people making sweet whoopee with animals.

If you’ve ever tried to delete a profile on Facebook, you know it’s harder than talking to girls.  Seriously.  To think 6 million people could up and pull that off is literally insane.  Insane.  Like peeing on the bus and screaming at chestnuts insane.  Guys who OK reality shows insane.

Facebook is into human trafficking.  It’s that simple.  In 2010, Mark Zuckerman made $207 billion dollars.  Net.  He is so rich he could literally buy Canada.  And then simply close it.  Do you think he got that rich because your mom spends two hours a day playing Farmville?  Maybe it was all the times you poked the girl from your 10^th grade History class.  That’s probably lucrative.  How naïve is the business world?

Facebook has unprecedented access to personal information.  People drop their family trees into that site.  Their phone number, their address, they buy game credits with credit cards, they link their Foursquare profiles so their position is constantly known, they have dirty chats with girls who used to be hot in high school but now works as cashiers at Wal Mart and want to remember when they were the most popular girl in the cafeteria, even if it’s with a guy who used to play Magic: The Gathering.

There are over 500 million active Facebook users around the world right now.  People in places like China, Moldova, Belarus, Thailand, South Africa and more.  Places where your lily white ass will fetch a pretty price that’s worth a bit more to Mr. Zuckerstein than his cut of the credits you bought in Farmtown.

People are concerned that Facebook is spying on users but it’s not.  Spying implies stealth.  Facebook isn’t a peeping tom in the bushes, it’s the guy you’re giving a lapdance to.  You give it what it wants, it just sits there and takes it.  And after making it so easy, after letting Facebook live in its own world of confused morality where everyone tells it everything, Facebook lost its humanity and figured “why not sell a Midwest housewife to wealthy eastern European party boys?”  And one person disappeared from Facebook.  Then another.  Then another.

Human trafficking is so easy for Facebook it almost couldn’t not do it.  Does that need to make sense?  No.  But imagine you have half a billion people on your doorstep every day telling you everything about themselves.  Now imagine a handful of these people also mention they want to trade a 22 year old IT professional for a slightly younger red head who knows gymnastics.  And they’ll pay $100,000 to do it.  And you happen to know 10,000 people who fit that profile.  Come on!

Facebook isn’t losing subscribers.  It’s just selling them in Eastern Europe, Asia, Africa and South America.  Probably.