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How to Fight Goblins

Hey, what’s the deal with goblins? I mean, really. Am I right? But seriously, enough merriment, let’s get down to brass tacks. Goblins are total assclowns, that’s a fact you can take to the bank. What kind of bank? The bank of Assclown Facts Savings and Loan, buddy. In today’s modern world of autogyros, pogo sticks and the trampoline dealers we see at local farmer’s markets, it’s no wonder most of us haven’t got a goddamn clue what to do about goblins, especially since there are so many kinds. Well, read up before it’s too late.

 

Labyrinth

Never underestimate Jim Henson. Seriously, have you stopped to appreciate how horrifying it would be if you woke up at 3 am and saw Ernie in your room, watching you with his dead eyes? That’s some traumatic shit right there.

It’s no surprise then that Henson not only made a horde of muppet goblins with hands jammed in their backdoors but that they live in your mirror, they steal babies and they’re ruled with an iron fist by David Bowie’s uncomfortably obvious codpiece.

The thing you need to remember when dealing with a Henson muppet is that, first and foremost, it must obey the laws of slapstick comedy, so a kick to the balls or anything that can cause a spit take will slow it down. Also, it’s arms are very likely only made of felt and wire, so try to use that to your advantage but for God’s sake, avoid getting within range of Bowie’s junk. You’ll lose an eye and your dignity.

CatsEye

Honestly, this thing may not have even been a goblin, but that doesn’t matter. It wore a jester hat way before they became trendy and then became untrendy and he had pointy shoes. And he tried to kill Drew Barrymore by sucking the breath out of her. And he fought a cat with a sword before being liquefied in a fan. That’s potentially the awesomest sentence you’ll read all day.

Now, assuming you don’t have Drew Barrymore, a cat or a desk fan handy when your own curly-shoed goblin attempts to inhale your essence, your main advantage is the massive fault of pretty much all ancient folklore – physics. That goblin literally couldn’t have weighed more than 5 lbs and, strictly speaking, any animal that lacks venom will never win a fight with you if it weighs less than, say, 20lbs. Our intern was messed up pretty bad by a 20lb dog once. But he totally rocked a fish that scared him at the beach and that thing was 7lbs at most.

Anyway, long story short, just kick him.

Troll II

Assuming you’re not new to the internet, you already know Troll II and you know how absolutely fantastic it is in every single way. Are there trolls in the movie? No. Goblins? Yes. Do they live in a town called Nilbog which is goblin backwards? Hell yes.

The thing about the murderous little villains in Troll 2 is that they’re not carnivorous. They turn people into plants so they can eat them, because they’re vegan goblins. If you haven’t seen the movie, we apologize for just blowing your mind.

Aside from the fact this may be literally the worst movie ever made, the goblins therein were taken out by way of touching a magic stone or some shit like that. Really, it doesn’t matter, how could it possibly make sense? But how necessary is that? They’re vegetarians. As anyone who’s ever fought a vegetarian knows, this is the most one sided fight you can have outside of trying to fight toddlers. No offense to those who have healthy lifestyle choices, but come on. The rest of us are powered by the immutable strength of protein that comes from cows and bacon. You have beans and Swiss chard.

Shark

The most heinously ugly beast of the sea, goblin sharks are actually less appealing than the cast of Sex & the City and look like a bag of smashed assholes that someone left in the sun.

According to Wikipedia, which is never wrong, the sharks have that honking nose to house electro-sensitive organs so they can hunt prey. Fascinating. Not according to Wikipedia but a reasonable assumption is that, since these toothy misfits are known to trawl the lowest depths of the ocean, it’s probably a safe bet that all you need to defeat one is the completely foreign water pressure of a wading pool and some patience. Swim all you want, shark. The end is near.

Prog Rock Band

Mostly known for doing soundtracks to Dario Argento horror movies, Goblin are all about that 70’s/80’s synth sound mixed with wind and random banging. It’s nice for Suspiria, but it’s hard to dance to.

Like all bands from that era, they were homely, homely dudes and are best described as unreasonably hirsute. Fortunately their Achilles heel is firmly rooted in the time period from which they were born. Which is to say we ignored them and they went away. Word is they had a reunion tour last year or something but there’s a good chance most of their gigs paid them with sandwiches and lodging for the night.

14 Responses to "How to Fight Goblins"

  1. Anonymous! says:

    We are Anonymous. Check out the new memes a 4 Chan. I made one myself i well post it soon

  2. Jenroack says:

    I laughed my ass off! I’d only been here a few times before (followed links and ended up here unfortunately). I only came back because Fortey was here. It’s nice to see something funny on holytaco for a change. Looks like the old crowd doesn’t like it. Awwwww. Maybe they should be patient a give it a chance. Not every article is gonna be comedy gold. Maybe some of them just missed their nap time. They’ll either stick around and complain (not giving anything remotely constructive in their criticism) or they’ll find somewhere else that they like better. Cracked hasn’t been as funny without Fortey, maybe they can go there.

  3. Nicknog says:

    Gotta agree with everything being said, this is terrible stuff.. bring back the actual funny shit and stop trying so damn hard to think of funny topics.

  4. Dildozer says:

    So let me get this straight, you disable comments and lose a large portion of your audience then come back with this weak shit?

  5. Fluffybunny says:

    I thought the weak vegetarian reference was funny but vegan would have been more accurate. That being said I have met a number of pale, skinny, hipster goblins, that reside in poorly lit coffee shops. Those beady eyes glaring at me over their Adbusters and vegan muffins, I swear they are stealing a little bit of my soul every time.

  6. Goblin Slayer says:

    This is potentially the awesomest thing I’ve read all day.

  7. Your name says:

    This is bull crap… I’m giving you one more week and after that I’m getting the hell out of here forever.

  8. Let's Make Butt Babies says:

    Kinda wish you’d go sooner.

  9. Jack says:

    Hahah this was a brilliant article. Go Fortey and the new HT staff!

  10. nlghtcrawler says:

    why did HT remove my post?

  11. Khoald Reighn says:

    Cracked misses you.
    I miss you.

    Goddammit.

  12. LASERS says:

    HT sucks now. i don’t know who the new editor is or whatever, but you suck dude. All HT is now is whatever dumb crap comes into the editors head, and its not interesting to anyone else.

    never thought i’d say this, but bring back the justins?

  13. Futt Bucker says:

    Agreed. This site is dead.

  14. WooHoo says:

    At least Justin had good reach-arounds.