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How to Find Information On the Internet (Without Bothering Everyone Else)

 
Hey, you.  Yeah, you, the person who insists on bothering your Facebook friends with status updates like "does anyone know what street the bus station is on?".  Yes, you.  The person who thinks firing off email queries like "do you know what time Glee is on" constitutes an acceptable use of other people’s time.  We’re here to tell you, there is another way.
 
You may not realize this, but there is a whole world of information right at your fingertips.  Where, you ask?  Why, at the very same place you go to play Farmville and look at adorable pictures of grammatically challenged cats!  That’s right, everything you need to know can be found right here on the internet.  Here’s how to find it!

Step 1: Make Note of Your Stupid Question

 
Sorry, that was kind of presumptuous of us, the "stupid question" part.  There is a good chance your question isn’t stupid.  It could be "ridiculous" or "retarded" or "moronic" also.  We won’t be so quick to judge next time. 
 
Anyway, yeah, write down your question.  You’re going to need it for future reference.  And if you’re the type who currently sits on the internet all day but still depends on your meth head friends for information, the chances of you forgetting what the question was seven different times before you find an answer are astronomical.
 

Step 2: Leave Us the Hell Alone

 
 
This is probably going to be the most difficult step in the whole process, but it must be done.  We know it goes against everything you believe about the people you know, but trust us when we tell you, they all think you’re an obnoxious bother.  So do we, and we don’t even know you.  Sorry if that comes off as a bit harsh, but it’s for your own good.  You’re bothering the shit out of people with your failure to grasp information technology, and they aren’t going to put up with it much longer.
 
For example, remember that time when you sent all of your MySpace friends a private message to see if anyone knew the quickest route to the Carl’s Jr. on 35th and MLK and someone sent you directions that eventually ended with you pulling into a notoriously violent housing project instead?  Guess what?  They didn’t miskey the address into Google Maps like they claimed when you brought it up a few weeks later.  They did it on purpose because they were hoping you would be shot and killed in some sort of turf war crossfire.  Yep, you’re that annoying.  And also, who the hell uses MySpace anymore?  Grow up.
 

Step 3: Find a Search Engine

 
 
So you’ve finally come to terms with the fact that it’s definitely not ok to ask your sister-in-law if her husband has ever developed a rash on his junk and, if so, how did he deal with it.  Way to go!  But you’ve still got unanswered questions.  What to do?
 
Simple, head to your favorite search engine.  There are several of them out there and which one you settle on is strictly a matter of personal preference, some people like Yahoo, some prefer Google, total weirdos use Bing, the choices are many.  We’ve always been partial to AskJeeves, but to quote Bell Biv Devoe, "to each his own."
 
Using a search engine might seem like a daunting task at first, what with the one single box that allows you to type in it and the one to two buttons, only one of which is clearly labeled "search."  But don’t fret, it’s easy.  Remember that question we had you write down?  Go ahead and enter it in that box there.  Using your keyboard, of course, a pen is useless to you right now.  Are you done?  Cool, now, using your mouse, click on the button that says "search."  What do the other buttons do, you ask?  Shut up and click the damn search button.  That’s what.
 

Step 4: Find Your Answer

 
 
See how easy that was?  Just by typing a few words into a big scary box on the screen of your computation machine, you are literally moments away from answering your idiotic question without a single other person wishing you were drowned in a shallow puddle of cat vomit in the process. 
 
Sure, you might have to click a few links until you find what you’re looking for.  And it should go without saying that some of those links will lead directly to porn.  But who cares?  Either you find your answer or you see some sex.  It’s like a game of Mine Sweeper that is impossible to lose!  The internet is such a wonderful place.
 
Now start using it and leave the rest of us alone. 
 
 

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