When you’re a bartender, every night feels like the initial, frantic phases of an awkward orgy: It’s really loud and messy, and you’ve got a lot to do, but you have to deal with disgusting, sweaty, drunk a-holes all night. A good bar patron can be a breath of fresh air to a hard-working bartender, but if you’re going to get noticed in that sea of sweaty drunk faces that the bartender’s looking into all night, you’ll have to know the proper procedure:
Step 1: Have Some Boobs
Whether you’re a guy who likes them or a girl who has them, boobs are great for many reasons. One of the things that they’re really good for is getting attention, and the great thing is that they don’t even have to be your boobs. As long as you’re near a set of boobs, you’re greatly increasing your chances of getting some drinks before the karaoke DJ starts hitting on your date again. It doesn’t matter what kind of boobs they are, either, but keep in mind that your wait time at the bar is directly proportional to the size of the boobs you’re standing near. Dolly Parton probably doesn’t even know that people wait at bars, and guess what: neither does her husband. Always stand next to the biggest boobs that you can find. That’s just good advice for life in general, but it will definitely help you get your drinks faster.
Step 2: Make Eye Contact, But Don’t Be Creepy About It
Your goal here is fairly simple: you want the bartender to acknowledge that you’re there, and that you’re waiting to place an order, but you don’t want to hold the gaze so long that his butthole starts to worry about you waiting for him later in the parking lot. Just establish quick eye contact, and then look away. Some people like to throw in a bit of a head nod, and that’s probably okay if you can pull it off without looking like a biker bar extra from Wild Hogs, which most people can’t do. You definitely shouldn’t smile unnaturally at the bartender, and don’t even think of mouthing any words to him, unless you want him to think that you’re either hitting on him, or that you’re a deaf-mute, and nobody wants to be mistaken for a deaf-mute.
Step 3: Hold Some Cash In Your Hand
You don’t need to hold a lot of cash. We’re not talking about a huge roll of 20′s or something. While that would certainly get the bartender’s attention, it would also get the attention of everyone else in the bar, including all the burglars and pickpockets who are masquerading as normal bar-goers. Just have enough cash in your hand to let him know that you’re looking to buy something, and not just putting away some change. Some people like to fold the bills over, so that it looks like there’s more money, but when money is used to beckon a bartender’s attention, it’s more about visibility than the exact dollar amount. Don’t hold it out like you’re desperately beckoning a stripper with it, either. Just have it noticeably in your hand, so he can tell that you’re waiting to order.
Step 4: Speak Loudly and Clearly
When the bartender finally comes over to help you, get your order out quickly and loudly. Don’t waste his time with elaborate greetings or hows-it-goin’s unless he asks you first. Just know exactly what you want, and tell that to the bartender in the simplest way possible. If the bar that you’re in happens to be loud, you’ll probably have to lean in and yell into his ear like you’re at a rock concert or your grandparents’ house. When he looks at you confusedly, yell it again, but this time do it louder. Always remember: yelling a second time doesn’t accomplish anything unless you do it louder than you did the first time.
Step 5: Tip
Tipping at a bar is not exactly the same as tipping in a restaurant, in that there’s less math involved. Try to keep it simple, and made of paper. Avoid tipping in coins, unless they’re really awesome old collectible coins or you’re in Europe, where they have coins in larger denominations. The amount of the tip depends on what you ordered, but it’s generally a matter of how many glasses are involved. Believe it or not, the bartender will probably remember you, and if you order a round of beers for you and your 8 obnoxious friends, you should probably tip a little bit more than you did for the one frozen strawberry daquiri that you secretly chugged before any of your friends showed up.
Step 6: Don’t Be a Bitch About It
A bartender is not your child. He didn’t just put the cat in the washing machine, or force his sister to drink bleach, or some other thing that kids do all the time. You don’t have the right to yell at him, criticize him, or verbally abuse him in any way. That’s not only a matter of public decency, either; there’s some potential benefits for good behavior. For example, it might slightly lessen the chances that you’ll accidentally drink semen tonight. I’m not suggesting that bartenders jerk off into people’s drinks. I’m just saying that you should never make the mistake of doubting that a bartender could jerk off into your drink, if you ever gave him a reason to do so. It’s a precautionary measure, but anything that leads away from you unwittingly drinking semen is worth the effort. Just stay calm and be patient, and you’ll get your drinks as soon as everyone with boobs has been served.