Traffic tickets are a huge pain in the ass. They’re entirely dependant on the attitude of the cop who pulled you over
, and if he’s having a bad day, then you’re completely f*cked. Luckily, there’s a possible way out of a traffic ticket
, and if you play your cards right
, you might just be lucky enough to escape untazed.
1. Offer a Bribe and/or Sexual Favor
There’s about a 90% chance that the cop who pulled you over is a moral, upstanding man of the law, and you’ll know pretty quickly once he approaches your car and starts talking to you about Jesus’s views on traffic violations. This doesn’t mean that he’s immune to the powers of bribery, it just means that you’ll have to be a little sneaky about it. Present the bribe in a way that will be clear if he’s looking for a bribe, but could be easily passed off as a misunderstanding if he’s not. When you show him your driver’s license, you can "accidentally" hand him a wad of money. Then if he says "What the f*ck is this?!" you can easily pass it off as a simple mistake. If you’re a chick, always opt for providing a sexual favor before going straight for a wad of cash. In "getting out of a ticket" terms, $200 is pretty much the same as a quick handy in the squad car.
2. Cry Like a Baby
Crying is shameful, and it’s been that way since you were in the third grade and everyone laughed at you for wetting your pants, and then you burst into tears like a little girl. Some of the meaner students continued to call you "pee pee pants" well into your adult life, but the ones that didn’t chose not to because they were horribly embarrassed by your shame and wanted nothing to do with you. This approach can be utilized when trying to get out of a ticket. For the most part, cops are decent people who have taken an oath to protect the weak pussies of the world. Seeing a grown man cry does something to a person, and crying in front of a cop will hopefully ensure that he’ll want nothing to do with you and will just let you off with a simple warning.
Generally speaking, men have no business with a box of tampons. They’re embarrassing to buy, horrifying to think about, and their mere presence usually ensures 5 days of hell for any guy in their vicinity. That’s why rolling around town with a large, unopened box of tampons is a great way to get you out of a traffic ticket. Any heterosexual, moustache-sporting cop worth his weight in donuts knows that when a man is sent out to buy tampons, he’s not just facing a week of sexlessness; he’s going home to an emotional, fat, bloated, hormonal she-wolf that’s bleeding from the only redeemable place on her body. Having the box of tampons in clear view, coupled with some half-assed excuse as to why your girlfriend/wife is going to kill something if you don’t get back in time should be more than enough to get you out from under a simple moving violation. For added effectiveness, supplement your box of tampons with a chocolate bar and a bottle of Midol.
4. Run Away
As the photo above illustrates, this is definitely the coolest technique for avoiding a ticket. However, the danger with this procedure is fairly obvious: by fleeing from a police officer, you’ll instantly go from an anonymous traffic stop to a wanted felon. That’s not necessarily a bad thing. If your life is going absolutely nowhere, becoming a wanted man who’s constantly on the run for the rest of his life might be a good way to mix things up, and add a little adventure to your life. On the other hand, if you ever want to talk to any of your friends or family again, or if you think you’ll ever want to stay in one place for more than a few days without fearing for your freedom, it may be best to avoid this move altogether.
5. Have Some Boobs
A common misnomer associated with this rule is that you must have giant, voluptuous titties to sway a cop’s opinion in your favor. This is not true. Cops are just normal dudes, and like any normal dude, they appreciate tits. Any tits. Unbuttoning a couple of buttons and leaning over when you speak can be more than enough to get yourself out of trouble. Be careful not to go too far too fast, though. A cop will most likely ticket a topless driver every time. Instead, tease the cop with your tits just like you’d tease a dog that you hate with a huge steak: get it just close enough to his face that he can smell it, and then pull it away again, and repeat as needed. If the cop you’ve been pulled over by happens to be a female officer, or if you happen to be a dude, then you’re shit out of luck.