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How To: Get Out of a Speeding Ticket

 Traffic tickets are a huge pain in the ass.  They’re entirely dependant on the attitude of the cop who pulled you over, and if he’s having a bad day, then you’re completely f*cked. Luckily, there’s a possible way out of a traffic ticket, and if you play your cards right, you might just be lucky enough to escape untazed.
1. Offer a Bribe and/or Sexual Favor
There’s about a 90% chance that the cop who pulled you over is a moral, upstanding man of the law, and you’ll know pretty quickly once he approaches your car and starts talking to you about Jesus’s views on traffic violations.  This doesn’t mean that he’s immune to the powers of bribery, it just means that you’ll have to be a little sneaky about it.  Present the bribe in a way that will be clear if he’s looking for a bribe, but could be easily passed off as a misunderstanding if he’s not.  When you show him your driver’s license, you can "accidentally" hand him a wad of money. Then if he says "What the f*ck is this?!" you can easily pass it off as a simple mistake.  If you’re a chick, always opt for providing a sexual favor before going straight for a wad of cash.  In "getting out of a ticket" terms, $200 is pretty much the same as a quick handy in the squad car.
2. Cry Like a Baby
Crying is shameful, and it’s been that way since you were in the third grade and everyone laughed at you for wetting your pants, and then you burst into tears like a little girl.  Some of the meaner students continued to call you "pee pee pants" well into your adult life, but the ones that didn’t chose not to because they were horribly embarrassed by your shame and wanted nothing to do with you.  This approach can be utilized when trying to get out of a ticket.  For the most part, cops are decent people who have taken an oath to protect the weak pussies of the world.  Seeing a grown man cry does something to a person, and crying in front of a cop will hopefully ensure that he’ll want nothing to do with you and will just let you off with a simple warning.
3. Have a Box of Tampons

Generally speaking, men have no business with a box of tampons.  They’re embarrassing to buy, horrifying to think about, and their mere presence usually ensures 5 days of hell for any guy in their vicinity.  That’s why rolling around town with a large, unopened box of tampons is a great way to get you out of a traffic ticket.  Any heterosexual, moustache-sporting cop worth his weight in donuts knows that when a man is sent out to buy tampons, he’s not just facing a week of sexlessness; he’s going home to an emotional, fat, bloated, hormonal she-wolf that’s bleeding from the only redeemable place on her body.  Having the box of tampons in clear view, coupled with some half-assed excuse as to why your girlfriend/wife is going to kill something if you don’t get back in time should be more than enough to get you out from under a simple moving violation. For added effectiveness, supplement your box of tampons with a chocolate bar and a bottle of Midol.
4. Run Away
As the photo above illustrates, this is definitely the coolest technique for avoiding a ticket. However, the danger with this procedure is fairly obvious: by fleeing from a police officer, you’ll instantly go from an anonymous traffic stop to a wanted felon.  That’s not necessarily a bad thing.  If your life is going absolutely nowhere, becoming a wanted man who’s constantly on the run for the rest of his life might be a good way to mix things up, and add a little adventure to your life.  On the other hand, if you ever want to talk to any of your friends or family again, or if you think you’ll ever want to stay in one place for more than a few days without fearing for your freedom, it may be best to avoid this move altogether.
5. Have Some Boobs
A common misnomer associated with this rule is that you must have giant, voluptuous titties to sway a cop’s opinion in your favor.  This is not true.  Cops are just normal dudes, and like any normal dude, they appreciate tits.  Any tits. Unbuttoning a couple of buttons and leaning over when you speak can be more than enough to get yourself out of trouble.  Be careful not to go too far too fast, though. A cop will most likely ticket a topless driver every time.  Instead, tease the cop with your tits just like you’d tease a dog that you hate with a huge steak: get it just close enough to his face that he can smell it, and then pull it away again, and repeat as needed.  If the cop you’ve been pulled over by happens to be a female officer, or if you happen to be a dude, then you’re shit out of luck.

28 Responses to "How To: Get Out of a Speeding Ticket"

  1. Alice in Wonderland says:

    Hey you should really look at this blog


    This woman just thinks that she can take whatever she likes, and you are not the first one that she has done it too.
    Plagiarism is against the law, yet she keeps on doing it.
    Just thought that you should know what she is doing.

  2. DonkeyXote says:

    OooOoOOoo smooth move!

  3. @N0N says:

    Melanie if you want to brag, do it with pics.

  4. Igarmon says:

    You’re a cop, aren’t you? And…you’re just hoping we’ll try number 1 and 5….

  5. Still Anonymous says:

    The best way to offer a bribe is to ask if you can just pay the ticket now.

  6. Traffic Lawyer says:

    These are some novel suggestions to avoid a speeding ticket. There are other (more practical) things you can say and do to increase your chances of avoiding a speeding ticket.

    Don’t deny (nor admit) that you are guilty. Unless the copy totally blew it, don’t deny that you committed the offense. It will only irritate the police officer. Don’t admit it either. Instead, you can say I am say to waste your time. Further, if the officer starts to lecture you, there is a good chance you’ll be let go without a ticket. No lecture, on the other hand, means you’re likely getting a ticket and you’ll need to employ one of the following tactics.

    Be courteous and follow his directions. Rudeness has “bought many a motorist additional traffic tickets. I was stopped last year for speeding and avoided the summons by voicing my concern for the officer’s safety. Specifically, he approached me on the shoulder and was disregarding his own safety vis-à-vis fast-moving traffic in the right lane. I told him to be careful which he appreciated. After checking to ensure that my license wasn’t suspended, he let me go.

    While “searching for your license, allow the officer to see that you have a PBA or other police card. Don’t worry he’ll be watching your hands the whole time, and this subtle display is more effective that flashing it in his face. Be prepared to answer questions about the card (“Who do you know?, “How did you get it?, etc).

    Request a warning rather than to be let off. Asking for a warning is better than asking to be “let off because it sounds more contrite. This language suggests that you will drive slower in the future and won’t object in the unlikely event the officer were to catch you again.

    Suggest a different or lesser charge. Try asking for a less serious charge. I was once pulled over for speeding. When I handed over my license and registration, and pointed out to the officer that I didn’t have my insurance card and asked if he could write me up for that instead. This strategy worked and I was able to get the no insurance ticket dismissed in court by providing proof of insurance. Almost everyone asks to be let off. Be different. Ask for a less serious charge, and maybe you’ll get lucky.

    Suggest a lesser speed. This is similar to the last one. Officers sometimes reduce the charge to a lesser speed during the car stop. This is called a “road side plea. You have nothing to lose by asking the officer to the lower the speed. You can even say (if you mean it) that you will not contest the ticket if he simply reduces it now.

    One last point to consider is that you only have once chance to “talk your way out of the ticket. Once the cop leaves with your license and registration, your fate is sealed. Do not wait until he returns to first try to avoid or lessen the ticket.

    Good luck to you all.

    Matthew Weiss, Esq.

  7. Zombie Jesus says:

    Thanks for the tip newfag

  8. Andy arena says:

    dude…this has worked three times…and it used to be true…

    just say… “i deliver pizza for (name near-by pizza chain), and if i get one more ticket i’ll lose my job”

    its worked 3 times for me…

  9. Kiran says:

    FYI – looks like someone else really, really liked this post:


    not sure if you saw it.

  10. Shane says:

    “didn’t chose not to”

    Your english isn’t not worse than mine.

    Don’t even bother promising me a t-shirt. You still owe me two… I’m OK with that, I have tissues to wipe my spooge.

  11. Melanie says:

    @Shane: HA!

    I’ll vouch for the titty tease technique (as if anyone needs to). I’ve got a pretty nice set, and I’ve never gotten a traffic ticket, even after the time I was going fifteen over and reeked of weed. Thank you, low-cut shirts!
    I guess this isn’t surprising. Mostly, I just wanted to brag about my awesome jugs.

  12. JugLuver says:

    Melanie can you send me a pic of your jugs?

  13. Plz explain! says:

    I dont get it…

  14. Its a gay joke lol says:


  15. YOU ARE AN IDIOT says:

    “a box of tampons is”…is grammatically correct. Box is a singular noun, stupid fuck.

  16. tmjdisorder says:

    You’re both idiots, whether or not “a box of tampons” is plural is not the question, because “a box of tampons” is not the subject of the sentence. Honestly, I don’t know what the subject is, I’d guess it was “rolling,” but I’m not sure. What I do know is that if instead of “a box of tampons” the sentence said “five kittens,” you would still use “is,” not “are.”

  17. Bloggers Wife says:

    Now I know why I cant get any satisfaction in the bedroom. My husband is on here with the other members of the Fraternal Order of Celibate Asslickers debating grammar. Fail to you all!

  18. Big giant dildo says:

    Try masterbating

  19. Blogger says:

    Nice typo… “tampons is a great way to get yout of a traffic ticket.”

  20. justin says:
    Thanks for catching it.
  21. Olala says:

    Thanks for pitching! ;)

  22. Joinng WOods says:

    WOw, this is like WAY cool dude, I mean really.


  23. Anonymous admirer says:

    Please let us worship your awesome rack.


  24. guy who owes his town alot of money in tickets says:


  25. Bloodz says:

    hate cops but cop chicks r mostly hella hot….and the girl on girl option might save a girls ass too…..damn this logic shit is good…

  26. office jerk says:

    this whole article was shit up until the boobs at the end. they made my morning. thank you HT.

  27. Bloodz says:

    ayo taco can u put some lezzys in,would be a cool change!