Football season is nearly upon us again, and that means it's a good time to take a look back at where football really came from: shitty '80s rap videos! You see, a long time ago, a bunch of athletic men got together to make terrible rap songs about football. Then they decided that, since they liked rapping about football, maybe they should play it as well, and the NFL was born (this may be entirely inaccurate). Here are some of the best NFL rap videos in the history of NFL rap videos.
Can't Touch Us
Performed by the Miami Dolphins
This video features such timeless classics as Zubaz pants, MC Hammer, and a keytar. The only thing missing is ALF, Mr. T playing with a Rubix Cube, some Growing Pains re-runs, and a Mr. Body cameo. (Editor's Note: Please be sure to note the late, great Reggie Roby (#4). He's the Jackie Robinson of punting.)
Apparently Jerry Rice borrows his rapping skills from Stephen Hawking and his sweaters from Bill Cosby. This video raises so many questions: why is someone drumming on a mixing console? Were these special FX created by a retarded 12-year old? Why is Doug DuBose so upset about everything? Is it because he had to do this shitty rap video?
Okay, this one from the Raiders stint in LA starts a little slow, but I BEG OF YOU: go to the 2:50 mark and watch an offensive lineman pretend to solo on a guitar, then watch the Raiders attempt to seamlessly transition from that, to Matt Millen rapping. He has less charisma than my desk chair. Plus, my desk chair didn't ruin the Detroit Lions.
This 2005 addition to the NFL rap pantheon tried to bring a higher production level to the NFL hip hop song. Recruiting funk legend Bootsy Collins to write your team's theme song might sound like cheating, until you hear the song. Then it still sounds like crap.
Okay, when a bearded man in stretch pants sings, "I like to ram it as you can see, no one likes to ram it more than me," you potentially leave yourself open to ridicule. The only thing missing in this video is a backdrop of two dudes 69ing.
There's the Mona Lisa, the Sistine Chapel and the Super Bowl Shuffle. This is the NFL rap song by which all other NFL rap songs are measured. It's seven minutes of pure football rapping heaven. When backup quarterback Steve Fuller lays down pioneering lyrics like, "I'm not here to feathers ruffle, I'm just here to do the Super Bowl Shuffle," you know you have finally created an artistic masterpiece.
Fuck you, Holy Taco. Fuck you, repeatedly in the ass, for bringing up the aural diarrhea turd that is the Bears' Super Bowl Shuffle. I hope you get a scorching case of ass herpes for that. Can't get the fucking thing out of my HEAD now, thanks a lot, FUCKERS!!!
(6 Comments)
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Holy Taco Goes to the Bahamas
August 21st, 2009 at 10:23 am
i don't like football, but some of these, were funny, while others were just stupid.
August 21st, 2009 at 10:57 am
Fuck you, Holy Taco. Fuck you, repeatedly in the ass, for bringing up the aural diarrhea turd that is the Bears' Super Bowl Shuffle. I hope you get a scorching case of ass herpes for that. Can't get the fucking thing out of my HEAD now, thanks a lot, FUCKERS!!!
August 21st, 2009 at 12:28 pm
"Apparently Jerry Rice borrows his rapping skills from Stephen Hawking and his sweaters from Bill Cosby"
bravo, bravo.
August 21st, 2009 at 04:33 pm
Reggie Roby indeed was the best.
Matt Millen... dullest most incompetent sportscaster ever to dullest most incompetent coach ever. Rapping was probably his best skill.
49ers... gayest Fresh Prince attempt evar. Smell you later.
August 23rd, 2009 at 08:14 pm
I was going to say you should post the best NFL rape videos of all time, but it'd take you months to go through all that footage.
November 13th, 2009 at 08:59 pm
where the hell is the san diego super charger anthem.
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