Football season is nearly upon us again, and that means it’s a good time to take a look back at where football really came from: shitty ’80s rap videos! You see, a long time ago, a bunch of athletic men got together to make terrible rap songs about football. Then they decided that, since they liked rapping about football, maybe they should play it as well, and the NFL was born (this may be entirely inaccurate). Here are some of the best NFL rap videos in the history of NFL rap videos.
Can’t Touch Us
Performed by the Miami Dolphins
This video features such timeless classics as Zubaz pants, MC Hammer, and a keytar. The only thing missing is ALF, Mr. T playing with a Rubix Cube, some Growing Pains re-runs, and a Mr. Body cameo. (Editor’s Note: Please be sure to note the late, great Reggie Roby (#4). He’s the Jackie Robinson of punting.)
We’re The 49ers
Performed by the San Francisco 49ers
Apparently Jerry Rice borrows his rapping skills from Stephen Hawking and his sweaters from Bill Cosby. This video raises so many questions: why is someone drumming on a mixing console? Were these special FX created by a retarded 12-year old? Why is Doug DuBose so upset about everything? Is it because he had to do this shitty rap video?
Silver and Black Attack
Performed by the L.A. Raiders
Okay, this one from the Raiders stint in LA starts a little slow, but I BEG OF YOU: go to the 2:50 mark and watch an offensive lineman pretend to solo on a guitar, then watch the Raiders attempt to seamlessly transition from that, to Matt Millen rapping. He has less charisma than my desk chair. Plus, my desk chair didn’t ruin the Detroit Lions.
Fear Da Tigers
Performed by the Cincinnati Bengals
This 2005 addition to the NFL rap pantheon tried to bring a higher production level to the NFL hip hop song. Recruiting funk legend Bootsy Collins to write your team’s theme song might sound like cheating, until you hear the song. Then it still sounds like crap.
Performed by the L.A. Rams
Okay, when a bearded man in stretch pants sings, "I like to ram it as you can see, no one likes to ram it more than me," you potentially leave yourself open to ridicule. The only thing missing in this video is a backdrop of two dudes 69ing.
The Super Bowl Shuffle
Performed by the Chicago Bears
There’s the Mona Lisa, the Sistine Chapel and the Super Bowl Shuffle. This is the NFL rap song by which all other NFL rap songs are measured. It’s seven minutes of pure football rapping heaven. When backup quarterback Steve Fuller lays down pioneering lyrics like, "I’m not here to feathers ruffle, I’m just here to do the Super Bowl Shuffle," you know you have finally created an artistic masterpiece.