In case you weren’t aware, Justin Timberlake recently bought the internet equivalent of the abandoned gold-rush town known as MySpace. MySpace was purchased by Rupert Murdoch in 2005 for $580 million and now Timberlake, in partnership with another media company, bought the social networking trailer park for $35 million. We have no idea what he plans to do with the dusty storefront, but we’ve got a few suggestions for him:
1. Rename the website “TimberSpace”
This is a pretty obvious one. It’s all about branding and the “Justin Timberlake” carries more weight than the “MySpace” brand without a doubt. Everyone can have their own profile picture, but they’ll all just be photos of Justin at different phases of his career. The age and gender of the user will be reflected in the photos. Older Justin for older users, and more feminine versions of Justin for female users.
2. Plaster the landing page with video clips of “Dick In a Box”
Self-explanatory, and common sense.
3. Remove and ban all glitter graphics.
If we had to point to one specific turning point, or one flaming arrow that really took down myspace, it wouldn’t be porn spammers or Rupert Murdock’s obnoxious advertising. It would be glitter graphics. Without question, it was the sparkling butterflies and glittery “princes” images that started popping up as my space was falling down.
4. No more band pages.
Somehow, since the inception of myspace, and possibly still today, the steps to forming your own band are as follows: Step 1, Take photos of you and the band looking badass. Step 2, Write and record one song. Step 3, start a myspace page and friend request all of your friends, the band members’ friends and their friends. That needs to stop. You’re not a band until you have at least five songs. That’s the rule. Look it up.
5. Allow for only two relationship status options to avoid complications
Since there is no need to know someone’s specific relationship situation, we need to simplify it. For Timberspace, simply allowing the user to declare themselves “Britney or “Britneyless” would be perfect.
Follow our advice, Justin and you will be able to shake the dust off the rafters of the original temple of social networking. You’ll have it back up to tolerable in no time. We really wish you the best, and we do hope that myspace makes a comeback, because there are just not enough social networking sites to check throughout our work day. Good luck JT!