This guest article was written by Dan Seitz, whose iPhone gets more chicks than he does.
The latest iPhone has just been debuted at Apple’s Worldwide Developer’s Conference, and it is, of course, smaller, smarter, and sexier than the last iPhone. If the old iPhone was Amgelina Jolie, the new iPhone is a midget Angelina Jolie with a PhD. It’s that sexy part this article will be concerned with: the new iPhone might as well come with a panty-removal app, if you know how to use it. If not, there’s always Tetris. But try these steps first, just for kicks.
1) Insult people using the previous iPhone.
Some women may not be familiar with the fact that the iPhone 4 has turned all the formerly cool and stylish users of the iPhone 3GS into complete wastes of a human beings who should have deep-throated a shotgun when they couldn’t buy the new one. Or, at the very least, had the tact to move to Salt Lake or some other place no one cares about.
It’s important that you explain to them, in great detail, exactly why this is. Women not only find this absolutely fascinating, but generally don’t realize how fascinating they find this until you explain about the resolution of the screen down to the shape of the pixels. And, for good measure, explain to them the new and totally fictitious features. They won’t know the difference. “Yeah, when the kishkies start whirling and making turbo-computer thoughts, that’s when things start to get sexy.”
2) Know everything about your iPhone.
It’s important, when using your iPhone’s incredible sexual powers, to have a full grasp of how it uses those powers. Failure to know everything about your iPhone, from the exact physical dimensions of the processor to where it was assembled to which networks it can capably interact with, will end any chance you have of jacking into her USB port, if you know what we mean (HINT: we mean putting things in her vagina, preferable portable memory storage devices).Therefore, your iPhone and where you got it must be the first topic of conversation. Asking her if she knows the bus speed of the iPhone’s processor will make a killer opening line, mostly because she’ll be utterly confused. Talking tech is like a nerdy and natural form of ruffies.
3) Never, ever accept a call.
There are two reasons not to accept a call. First, it could be somebody embarrassing, like your ex-girlfriend, your current girlfriend, or your mother. Secondly, the iPhone, for as powerful and incredibly sexual as it is, is kind of a crappy phone.
This isn’t Apple’s fault. Any failed Apple products are either the fault of outside companies, such as Bandai and the Pippin, or were just too far ahead of their time, like the Newton (Apple’s PDA from 1987) with its excellent handwriting software. In this case, the outside company that has failed the One True Computer Maker is AT&T, a cellular provider with satellites so delicate and fragile that a whisper of a fart will turn your $300 phone in to a hunk of plastic you hold to your head to make you feel like a grow’d up.
If the lady you’re trying to impress sees you yelling "WHAT?!" repeatedly into your phone, it will ruin the mystique. So, if a call drop occurs as you attempt to impress your sexy girl, just pretend you’re making a big business deal and you’re playing hardball with the person on the other end. “HELLO?! CAN YOU HEAR ME?! ARE YOU THERE?! GOOD! NOW GO F*CK YOURSELF!”
4) Jailbreak your iPhone
Go ahead, Apple doesn’t mind at all when you attempt to reprogram its products, in keeping with its long history of generosity and openness (can you smell the sarcasm yet?). And this gives your iPhone both a network that might actually receive a call and an air of incredible, daring sexiness. She won’t believe how dangerous you are for defying the criminal behavior of AT&T and making your phone your own. It’s like riding a motorcycle while wearing a leather jacket. Or being the cool teacher that sits on his desk while saying such cool things as, “I’m just a dude that wants to chill with the bros and homies!”
Just remember, again, that she might not understand she finds this incredibly sexy at first, so be ready to explain it to her.
5) Have a Killer App
All iPhone Apps have a dual purpose; to do whatever they’re designed to do, and to impress women.
It doesn’t matter what app it is. Women are all incapable of using their computers, as their vagina emits a field that makes all electronics incapable of operating correctly (the same is true of cars). So be sure, whatever app you use (we like the "I Am Rich" App ourselves), to not let her actually touch your iPhone. She can only look at it.
6) Remember, the iPhone protects you against all STDs and pregnancies
It’s true! When you inevitably get lucky, snap a pic of your enflamed and engorged nether regions and send it away to Apple. After about 3-4 business days, and after Steve Jobs himself has personally laughed at the sight of your blistered member, you will be sent an app personalized for your specific case of VD through the miracles of science!
Go forth. We’d wish you good luck…but with your iPhone, you won’t need it.