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How to Impress Women With Your iPhone


This guest article was written by Dan Seitz, whose iPhone gets more chicks than he does.

The latest iPhone has just been debuted at Apple’s Worldwide Developer’s Conference, and it is, of course, smaller, smarter, and sexier than the last iPhone.  If the old iPhone was Amgelina Jolie, the new iPhone is a midget Angelina Jolie with a PhD. It’s that sexy  part this article will be concerned with: the new iPhone might as well come with a panty-removal app, if you know how to use it.  If not, there’s always Tetris.  But try these steps first, just for kicks.

1) Insult people using the previous iPhone.

Some women may not be familiar with the fact that the iPhone 4 has turned all the formerly cool and stylish users of the iPhone 3GS into complete wastes of a human beings who should have deep-throated a shotgun when they couldn’t buy the new one.  Or, at the very least, had the tact to move to Salt Lake or some other place no one cares about.

It’s important that you explain to them, in great detail, exactly why this is.  Women not only find this absolutely fascinating, but generally don’t realize how fascinating they find this until you explain about the resolution of the screen down to the shape of the pixels. And, for good measure, explain to them the new and totally fictitious features. They won’t know the difference. “Yeah, when the kishkies start whirling and making turbo-computer thoughts, that’s when things start to get sexy.”

2) Know everything about your iPhone.

It’s important, when using your iPhone’s incredible sexual powers, to have a full grasp of how it uses those powers.  Failure to know everything about your iPhone, from the exact physical dimensions of the processor to where it was assembled to which networks it can capably interact with, will end any chance you have of jacking into her USB port, if you know what we mean (HINT: we mean putting things in her vagina, preferable portable memory storage devices).Therefore, your iPhone and where you got it must be the first topic of conversation.  Asking her if she knows the bus speed of the iPhone’s processor will make a killer opening line, mostly because she’ll be utterly confused. Talking tech is like a nerdy and natural form of ruffies.

3) Never, ever accept a call.

There are two reasons not to accept a call.  First, it could be somebody embarrassing, like your ex-girlfriend, your current girlfriend, or your mother.   Secondly, the iPhone, for as powerful and incredibly sexual as it is, is kind of a crappy phone.

This isn’t Apple’s fault.  Any failed Apple products are either the fault of outside companies, such as Bandai and the Pippin, or were just too far ahead of their time, like the Newton (Apple’s PDA from 1987) with its excellent handwriting software.  In this case, the outside company that has failed the One True Computer Maker is AT&T, a cellular provider with satellites so delicate and fragile that a whisper of a fart will turn your $300 phone in to a hunk of plastic you hold to your head to make you feel like a grow’d up.

If the lady you’re trying to impress sees you yelling "WHAT?!" repeatedly into your phone, it will ruin the mystique.  So, if a call drop occurs as you attempt to impress your sexy girl, just pretend you’re making a big business deal and you’re playing hardball with the person on the other end. “HELLO?! CAN YOU HEAR ME?! ARE YOU THERE?! GOOD! NOW GO F*CK YOURSELF!”

4) Jailbreak your iPhone

Go ahead, Apple doesn’t mind at all when you attempt to reprogram its products, in keeping with its long history of generosity and openness (can you smell the sarcasm yet?).  And this gives your iPhone both a network that might actually receive a call and an air of incredible, daring sexiness.  She won’t believe how dangerous you are for defying the criminal behavior of AT&T and making your phone your own.  It’s like riding a motorcycle while wearing a leather jacket. Or being the cool teacher that sits on his desk while saying such cool things as, “I’m just a dude that wants to chill with the bros and homies!”

Just remember, again, that she might not understand she finds this incredibly sexy at first, so be ready to explain it to her.

5) Have a Killer App

All iPhone Apps have a dual purpose; to do whatever they’re designed to do, and to impress women.

It doesn’t matter what app it is.  Women are all incapable of using their computers, as their vagina emits a field that makes all electronics incapable of operating correctly (the same is true of cars).  So be sure, whatever app you use (we like the "I Am Rich" App ourselves), to not let her actually touch your iPhone.  She can only look at it.

6) Remember, the iPhone protects you against all STDs and pregnancies

It’s true!  When you inevitably get lucky, snap a pic of your enflamed and engorged nether regions and send it away to Apple. After about 3-4 business days, and after Steve Jobs himself has personally laughed at the sight of your blistered member, you will be sent an app personalized for your specific case of VD through the miracles of science! 

Go forth.  We’d wish you good luck…but with your iPhone, you won’t need it.

20 Responses to "How to Impress Women With Your iPhone"

  1. joe says:

    waste of my time, pos.

  2. jeff says:

    forgot to mention having the 69 Positions app on the home screen. gets em every time.

  3. Jenny Craig says:

    Thank you Peta for the informative message.

  4. Banonymous says:

    me three

  5. Just me says:

    the tits were the only reason i clicked on this article…

  6. omgwtfbbq says:

    I second that Just me

  7. Peta penis says:


  8. wholesale k2 says:

    Can you jailbreak the ipad yet?

  9. IBM says:


  10. Dan Seitz says:

    That is not nearly funny enough to be as good as this post. Throw in the baby falling into a wood chipper.

  11. EL POOKADOR says:


  12. Ian Fortey says:
    we got Dan Seitz to write that crap.  See?  His name is at the top of the page.  You ust be new to this reading thing.
  13. omgwtfbbq says:


  14. Reply says:

    You must be new to the whole reading thing because it must….lust wtf

  15. Ben Affleck says:

    First and foremost, don’t have one.

  16. Just me says:


  17. 00kla the M0k says:

    Pretty funny. Got a few yucks.

    Now for the criticism. Amgelina Jolie? oops, sorry … I mean Angelina Jolie? You use that crone as your go-to sex symbol? For years I have been shocked by her fame. The chick has a lousy body. You heard me. Lousy. She has nice tits, thats it. Some like the big lips, so ok, I’ll give her that too. But the rest is a boney mess. As for her acting, I can be a tad more gracious. She is above average which is no great praise. She does accents brilliantly and can tow a script. She only sometimes wrecks the car like in Tomb Raider with her porno caliber performance. When I heard they were considering her for a new Catwoman movie, I nearly joined the Alpha Beta frat.

    Its the hive mind that makes us pull famous names out of the air when on the spot. This is both a curse on the brain and a blessing to ease of communication in that people know what sentiment you are expressing even though its crap for an example. Like if you cite the Whopper in prose, people know what you actually mean is a delicious burger and not that fake turd from the place who’s chicken tastes like baloney.

  18. Eh says:

    At least there’s some titties

  19. Splodeybottoms says:

    Wouldnt waste the poop it would take to shit on this.

  20. Optimus Primal says: