Fact: Nobody cares that the Winter Olympics start on Friday
. People only watch the games because there’s a chance that they’ll get to see someone bust their ass
on ice. If the Olympic Committee doesn’t do something to liven up the games this year, they could find themselves without an audience soon. Here are a few simple improvements
that we think would make the Winter Olympics much more exciting:
1. Roomba Curling
Curling is, by far, the most obscure event in the Winter Olympics. It’s amazing that swiffering ice can be classified as a sport, and it’s equally mindblowing that the men and women who operate the swiffer are considered "athletes". Watching someone swiffer ice is about as entertaining as, well, watching someone swiffer a hardwood floor. There’s absolutely no element of danger. Y’know what would be dangerous, though? If the curling stone was replaced with a Roomba that exploded on contact. Now the sweepers will have their work cut out for them. The unpredictably erratic movements of the Roomba will keep the sweepers on their toes and in a state of forced alertness. The point of the game will no longer be "see who can sweep at nothing until the rock slides to a certain spot". Instead, the sweeper’s mission will be very clear and simple: sweep or die.
2. Bobsledding with Explosions
If I learned anything from Cool Runnings, it’s that Doug E. Doug is both entertaining and charismatic on the screen. If I learned a second thing from that movie, it’s that bobsledding is a sport that requires endurance, teamwork, and incredible focus. Like most Olympic events, bobsledding is all about details, and this detail-orientedness is what makes bobsledding incredibly f*cking boring. People don’t really care if someone managed to shave a few milliseconds off of their run time by taking a turn at the right trajectory. What they would care about is someone in a rocket sled escaping certain death by flying past some huge explosions through a tube of ice. These explosions don’t have to be powerful enough to kill anyone, but they should be strong enough to knock a bobsled off-balance. Run times will increase substantially, but we’ll finally get to see what it takes to be a good bobsledder, and that (plus some awesome explosions) will give us a reason to watch.
3. Biathlon: Assault Style
Of all the Olympic events featured in the Winter Games, the Biathlon has the most potential to be awesome. It combines the lameness of cross-country skiing with the awesomeness of guns. Unfortunately, somewhere along the way the gun part got boring, too. This is where the Olympics needs to take a page from American Gladiators. The Biathlon just seems too easy. There’s no elimination factor. It’s time to up the ante a little bit. By positioning guard towers along the course and outfitting them with tennis ball cannons, the athletes will be forced to keep their head on a swivel to avoid being eliminated (pelted with a frozen tennis ball). Let’s see how well Jeremy Teela can hit a target when Zap and Siren (she’s the deaf Gladiator) are screaming like Zulu warriors and launching a barrage of tennis balls at his face.
4. Avalanche Survival Downhill Skiing
Downhill skiing is boring. The skiiers race the clock, and it’s usually hard to tell who’s going to win and who’s going to lose until the end of the event. You just end up watching a bunch of boring-ass times ticking across the screen, and they only differ by a few tenths of a second. There’s no punishment for being slow, other than losing. We can change that, though. By creating a man-made avalanche behind the skiier a few seconds after they take off from the starting point, we can easily motivate the skiier to ski faster. The slower skiiers will be devoured by the avalanche, and that way we only have to sit through the ticking times of the fastest skiiers. Sure, people are probably going to die, but it makes the gold medal that much sweeter.
5. Ski Jump…Through Demolition Balls
The ski jump event is already pretty awesome, but it’s not quite awesome enough to draw a television audience. For some reason, a person flying through the air on skis after launching off of an 80-meter ramp isn’t all that exciting unless that person crashes really hard at the end of the jump. The focus of the event is all wrong: rather than testing to see who can jump the furthest, the event should be who can jump the furthest without crashing. To make it a little more challenging, demolition balls will swing in the path of the jumper every 20 meters or so, in an attempt to knock them out of the air. With a number of moving obstacles and a clear element of danger, viewers will be instantly hooked. Also, it’ll get some of the old American Gladiators out of the unemployment line. The more we think about it, the more it seems like the Winter Olympics should just be American Gladiators on Ice.
Figure Skating Ice Wrestling
There are only two events that ever take place on ice: hockey and figure skating. Hockey has fights and it’s considered awesome and manly. Figure skating does not have fights, and it’s considered stupid and boring. You don’t have to be Egon Spengler to see the connection between fighting and awesomeness in relation to ice-bound activities. Figure skating needs a massive overhaul to become cool and watchable. First, they should take out the "dancing on ice" portion of the event. You’re probably thinking that’s all figure skating is, but it also requires elaborate, flashy costumes and (in partners figure skating) teamwork. Both of these elements can be perfectly transcribed to wrestling…on ice. It may be hard to picture now, but it will definitely pull in viewers. Who doesn’t want to see Brian Boitano kick the shit out of Michelle Kwan…on ice?!