You spend 40 hours every week at work. It’s only natural that you’re going to want to bone at some point in that time, and if you’re lucky enough to find a girl at work who also wants to bone, then you’ve got to do everything you can to keep the relationship safe. At most workplaces, office relationships are frowned upon, so secrecy is the key ingredient here, and there are 5 simple steps that you can take to ensure that your co-workers will never know what you’re up to:
Step 1: Don’t Talk To Her
Unless you’re a professional actor (like Paul Walker), or a complete douchebag (like Paul Walker), it’s probably going to be difficult for you to hide your attraction to your office girlfriend during a normal conversation. Tell-tale signs like smiling, leaning in close, drooling, flicking your tongue like a seductive snake, and working up a decent half-boner under the table are common, natural, and completely unavoidable side effects of close contact with someone that you’re secretly banging. The only way to avoid giving yourself away is to never talk to her during work hours. EVER. If you absolutely have to be in close contact with her on a regular basis, then you’ll have to resort to some more deceptive tactics.
Step 2: Talk Sh*t About Her
Remember in The Drew Carey Show, when Drew and Mimi would constantly be insulting each other by saying things that would’ve gotten them fired in about two minutes if their office wasn’t located on a television set? Did you ever think for a second that Drew and Mimi might actually be f*cking? No, of course you didn’t. That’s exactly the reaction you’ll have to impress upon all of your co-workers if you want your undercover sexcapades to continue, so throw insults at her like a monkey throws shit at an obnoxious child. The insults shouldn’t stop when she leaves the room, either. Talking shit about her when she’s not even around is a good way to secure your perceived position as her mortal enemy and conceal your true identity as her nightly jizz delivery boy.
Step 3: Spread Really Nasty Rumors About Her
This is one of the most beneficial steps in the process, and it’ll also be one of the most counterintuitive adventures you’ll ever embark upon. Normally, when spreading nasty rumors about people, there’s an explicit attempt to eliminate one’s self as the source of the information. You always want to say that you heard it from someone else so that you’re not held responsible for the information. In this situation, however, the exact opposite is true: you want everyone to know that you’ve been creating and propagating terrible rumors about your secret f*ckbuddy. Be loud and boisterous about it, and say absolutely horrific things about her. Tell everyone that she’s have five abortions in the past three years, and that the children were all of an ethnicity that the person you’re whispering this to will find apalling. Say that you heard she’s a dude who spent a fortune on a sex change operation, or that she’s actually a soviet spy that got so deep undercover that the motherland lost her, and then say something like, "have you seen that movie Traitor, with the black guy from Hotel for Dogs? It’s kinda like that, but with an ugly fat chick who’s hopelessly addicted to whippits."
Step 4: Bang Her Best Friend and Tell Everyone About It
If you’re sleeping with a co-worker and you want to make absolutely sure that no one will ever become suspicious, the best possible thing that you can do is to openly sleep with your fling’s best friend. Your work girlfriend probably won’t mind. In fact, she should be in on the plan, to make it more believable. You’ll have to get your office girlfriend to introduce the idea to her best friend. If they’re really best friends, and if they really want the best for each other, then her friend will have no choice but to sleep with you. It’s probably best to have her friend drop into the office every once in a while to put on a little show for the office staff. Public displays of affection are important here, including but not limited to the following actions: heavy petting, dry humping, and sloppy tongue kissing. The more you sell it, the more nobody will ever suspect you of sleeping with your co-worker. The brilliance behind this plan is that no bad could possibly come of it, and there’s no way that anything could possibly backfire on you.
Step 5: Humiliate Her Frequently, and Without Remorse
Y’know how you’ve spent countless hours at work figuring out how to kill yourself because your job is so boring and dead-ended? Well, now’s your chance to put all of that work to good use on someone else. Tone down your plans a little, so that rather than ending in an untimely demise, they result in massive humiliation and embarrassment. For example, take your "spraying too much Visine into my coffee so that when I drink it I get such bad diarrhea that I actually shit out my internal organs" plan, lessen the Visine amount to a non-fatal level, and put it into your f*ckbuddy’s beverage of choice. Then, when she’s shitting all over the place, be the first person to make fun of her, and then actively work to get everyone else to chide her as well. It’ll be absolutely mortifying for her, and it’ll really prove how far you’re willing to go to keep your relationship with her safe and secure, because that’s how much she means to you. She should love you for that.