8 hours is a long-ass time to be doing work every day. Luckily, there are about a million ways to look like you're working when you're actually not doing jack-shit. Faking an entire day of work will take some real skill, and a combination of a few different techniques. Here are a few of the most promising ones to get you started:
Step 1: Always Have a Graph On Your Computer Screen
Graphs contain data, and data equals work, so as long as you've got a graph open on your computer, that means you're working. It really doesn't matter what the graph is, either, which is why graphjam is such an awesome site. You can scroll through thousands of user-submitted graphs that run the gamut of ridiculous themes and subject matter. They look like real graphs, but they're amusing at the same time. Take the picture above, for example: it looks like that dude is keeping busy with some graph-related work doesn't it? Here's what he's really looking at:
Step 2: Eat Lunch at Your Desk Sometimes
Nothing says "I'm busy" more than working while you're eating. Of course, you don't want to be the guy who always eats his lunch alone at his desk, but it's a good idea to turn down lunch invitations every now and then, emphasizing that you've "got a lot on your plate". This way, your co-workers will come to expect that sometimes you've got a lot of work, and they'll be less suspicious when you actually have nothing to do.
Step 3: Talk in Phone Code
Talking on the phone is a quick way to pass the time at work, but personal calls are probably frowned upon. Personal calls are a funny thing though, in that they're only personal if your company knows that they're personal. Think about it: if you hear someone talking on the phone, how do you determine whether it's a business call, or a personal call? It's simple: you can tell by the way they're speaking. Business calls are more formal and more professional sounding, and you can use this tone to easily conceal a personal call. Here are a few translations of personal call dialogue into business call code, to help you get started:
What You Want to Say: "Okay, dude! I'll see ya tonight for the game, and I'll bring the brewskies!"
Business Translation: "Sounds good, Jim. We're still on for the meeting this afternoon? Great. I'll bring the numbers that I promised you."
What You Want to Say: "Happy Birthday, sweetheart! I'm gonna f*ck you raw when I get home tonight!"
Business Translation: "Congratulations, Barbara! I'm gonna shove a huge package into your chair warmer later this afternoon!"
Step 4: Always Have Your Hands Full
Look at the dudes in this picture. They aren't doing shit. They're just standing there holding things. One of the guys is even lounging against the window. They look really busy though. Why? Because they're carrying things. It's not necessary to have your hands as full as these amateurs do, but it's important to always have something in your hands, even if it's just a file or a notebook, or something like that. Having something in your hands creates the impression that you're doing something with that object, which means you're working.
With these four simple steps and a little bit of practice, you should have no problem bullshitting your way through an entire work day every now and then. Sure, you could just take a sick day, but what's the fun in that?
1. Look Angry All the time! Happiness is a sign of you fucking off and not working.
2. Have headphones on so that you can "Concentrate"
3. Find out when your boss arrives. If he arrives at 8:25 arrive at 8:15 even if you are supposed to arrive at 6:00am. Then leave before him.
4. Walk fast everywhere! Fast walking people are busy people!
5. Request Dual Monitors because "I'm really busy and it'll make me more productive." Really I just use my dual monitors to search the internet while having work up on one of them.
6. Face 1 of your monitors away from other people. That one is the internet surfing monitor. On the other monitor always have work.
7. Never go to lunch with co-workers as then they get to know you can will realize you are a slacker
8. Take "official" field trips with a higher up that is also a slacker. Going to the store to get Supplies can really be an excuse to play Video Games at best buy. It looks like you are willing to go the extra mile to get things done.
9. Occasionally curse and throw things. You are frustrated because of all your work!
10. Drink a shit ton of coffee. People who drink a shit ton of coffee obviously have lots to do!
i work in a workshop, get paid the same as any office worker.
anyways to get out of work just hide, if no one sees you slacking then who's to say you were. items in hands works well as long as it isn't a newspaper
I'm a porn actor, so for me looking like I'm working involves jerking off in the corner so I'm hard'n ready at a moment's notice. I'm pretty good at my job.
Whenever I want to slack off at my grizzly bear killing job, I just pretend to be washing my killing knife or trying to get blood stains out of my suit (even though I know when human blood and Grizzly blood mix, it is not coming out).
Ok, I'll bite. Yes fuck Obama because, as we all know, this recession has been a terrible 100 or so days. Amazing how things were going so well until he showed up. Dickhead. I mean you, philosopher. It seems clear why you are unemployed. You posted a dumb ass comment about how you can't comment. Maybe you got fired because you're that jackass that rants and raves about things you don't even understand?
when i worked in a warehouse, i always had a clipboard with me. and when my supervisor would come around when i was talking with my coworkers i would just use hand gestures and point alot. worked every time
As an expert on this particular subject, I wrote an article for my site a while back entitled "A Slacker’s Guide to Appearing Busy at Work" you can check it out here:
Luckily I work in IT so I can just put a bunch of computers on my desk and if my boss is like "What are you doing" I'll say I'm testing these computers. The more the better!
OH ALSO have a bunch of papers with things Highlighted on them. I printed out a login script and highlighted it all up. I don't know what it means because I don't know VBscript but it's something I can use to slack off.
Of course my job I'm PAID to get stuff done. If I get those things done I figure I've done my job. So I slack off. I'm not gonna go look for more work.
I use the bazooka joe trick of drawing eyes on my eyelids, my boss (mom) is none the wiser. Also my job is studying at home for a better career. Im going to be a paralegal.
yes well, these tips are quite valuable.....but there is a drawback.
My office seems to be odd in that my bosses actually ask me what i am doing or which project i am on. They have no quarrels with disrupting you even when you appear busy so...if you do not have an immediate answer then they know you are just slacking off.
Plan ahead people! Think of some possible fake stories just in case the boss man wants to know what exactly you do in the office to earn that paycheck.
(34 Comments)
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Holy Taco Goes to the Bahamas
August 25th, 2009 at 02:45 pm
First!!!!
August 25th, 2009 at 02:47 pm
WOW, MAKES SO MUCH SENSE!
August 25th, 2009 at 02:56 pm
Wow there could be so much more!!
1. Look Angry All the time! Happiness is a sign of you fucking off and not working.
2. Have headphones on so that you can "Concentrate"
3. Find out when your boss arrives. If he arrives at 8:25 arrive at 8:15 even if you are supposed to arrive at 6:00am. Then leave before him.
4. Walk fast everywhere! Fast walking people are busy people!
5. Request Dual Monitors because "I'm really busy and it'll make me more productive." Really I just use my dual monitors to search the internet while having work up on one of them.
6. Face 1 of your monitors away from other people. That one is the internet surfing monitor. On the other monitor always have work.
7. Never go to lunch with co-workers as then they get to know you can will realize you are a slacker
8. Take "official" field trips with a higher up that is also a slacker. Going to the store to get Supplies can really be an excuse to play Video Games at best buy. It looks like you are willing to go the extra mile to get things done.
9. Occasionally curse and throw things. You are frustrated because of all your work!
10. Drink a shit ton of coffee. People who drink a shit ton of coffee obviously have lots to do!
August 25th, 2009 at 03:14 pm
You are pathetic....can anyone actually rely on you for anything other than failure?
August 25th, 2009 at 03:43 pm
Screw the reply above me. You're dead on.
August 26th, 2009 at 01:10 am
i'm so happy to find out they use the same work methods both in the States and in France!
August 25th, 2009 at 02:57 pm
Walk around with a piece of paper and a worried look on your face. Then head for the coffee shop.
August 25th, 2009 at 03:05 pm
These tips only work if you have a faggy office job sitting around in a suit and tie all day, not a real man's job.
August 25th, 2009 at 03:45 pm
Yeah, like you..plenty of chances to write this shit from a factory floor...you douche bag
August 25th, 2009 at 04:12 pm
There sure is if you work the 11-7 graveyard shift. BTW, I was boning your girlfriend while you were at the office all day.
August 25th, 2009 at 07:31 pm
Yeah, that guy you call boss, who orders all the other blue collar schmucks around, who makes way more then you... is sitting where?
In his "faggy" office.
August 26th, 2009 at 03:23 am
i work in a workshop, get paid the same as any office worker.
anyways to get out of work just hide, if no one sees you slacking then who's to say you were. items in hands works well as long as it isn't a newspaper
August 25th, 2009 at 03:25 pm
can't comment on this, as i am currently unemployed. fuck Obama and his economy.
August 26th, 2009 at 10:53 am
HA! Knew it. You just spank it all day long.
August 25th, 2009 at 03:38 pm
I'm a porn actor, so for me looking like I'm working involves jerking off in the corner so I'm hard'n ready at a moment's notice. I'm pretty good at my job.
August 25th, 2009 at 03:38 pm
Whenever I want to slack off at my grizzly bear killing job, I just pretend to be washing my killing knife or trying to get blood stains out of my suit (even though I know when human blood and Grizzly blood mix, it is not coming out).
August 25th, 2009 at 03:58 pm
Ok, I'll bite. Yes fuck Obama because, as we all know, this recession has been a terrible 100 or so days. Amazing how things were going so well until he showed up. Dickhead. I mean you, philosopher. It seems clear why you are unemployed. You posted a dumb ass comment about how you can't comment. Maybe you got fired because you're that jackass that rants and raves about things you don't even understand?
August 25th, 2009 at 08:26 pm
ahha
^comment fail
August 25th, 2009 at 09:57 pm
the internetz are hard for ahha and alot of other dumbshits too.
August 25th, 2009 at 03:58 pm
Sorry everyone, I tried to reply to philosopher's post and somehow screwed that up.
August 25th, 2009 at 04:34 pm
MAYBE because you are retarded?
August 25th, 2009 at 05:56 pm
ahha, that was smooth.
August 25th, 2009 at 04:41 pm
damn, being lazy is a lot of work
August 25th, 2009 at 06:04 pm
You can just join the Army. We really don't do anything unless you are combat arms.
August 25th, 2009 at 06:04 pm
when i worked in a warehouse, i always had a clipboard with me. and when my supervisor would come around when i was talking with my coworkers i would just use hand gestures and point alot. worked every time
August 25th, 2009 at 07:59 pm
So... yeah... none of this works if you teach... thanks a lot jackholes.
August 26th, 2009 at 08:43 pm
middle school teacher?? all you do is show powerpoints and give scantron tests
August 26th, 2009 at 08:48 pm
awww snap, that just happened
August 25th, 2009 at 09:07 pm
If you're looking for some cool stuff check out WWW.SQUIBCRIB.COM.
August 26th, 2009 at 07:15 am
As an expert on this particular subject, I wrote an article for my site a while back entitled "A Slacker’s Guide to Appearing Busy at Work" you can check it out here:
http://epiclaughs.com/a-slackers-guide-to-appearing-busy-at-work
If you liked this post, you might get a laugh or two from mine.
August 26th, 2009 at 07:27 am
Luckily I work in IT so I can just put a bunch of computers on my desk and if my boss is like "What are you doing" I'll say I'm testing these computers. The more the better!
OH ALSO have a bunch of papers with things Highlighted on them. I printed out a login script and highlighted it all up. I don't know what it means because I don't know VBscript but it's something I can use to slack off.
Of course my job I'm PAID to get stuff done. If I get those things done I figure I've done my job. So I slack off. I'm not gonna go look for more work.
August 27th, 2009 at 04:48 am
I use the bazooka joe trick of drawing eyes on my eyelids, my boss (mom) is none the wiser. Also my job is studying at home for a better career. Im going to be a paralegal.
September 30th, 2009 at 09:17 am
so many comment wars on every post on this site, it's fucking hilarious
November 15th, 2009 at 09:10 pm
yes well, these tips are quite valuable.....but there is a drawback.
My office seems to be odd in that my bosses actually ask me what i am doing or which project i am on. They have no quarrels with disrupting you even when you appear busy so...if you do not have an immediate answer then they know you are just slacking off.
Plan ahead people! Think of some possible fake stories just in case the boss man wants to know what exactly you do in the office to earn that paycheck.
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