We are huge fans of 80's Action Movies....HUGE fans. Over the years, we've noticed that most 80's Action Movies follow a certain recipe, and contain specific elements that really seem to make them work. By following these simple steps, you too can create your own 80's Action Movie:
Step 1: Explosions
Any 80's Action Movie that's worth its weight in cocaine and lengthy vaginal pubic hair has to have explosions...LOTS of explosions. An 80's movie without explosions is like a sorority girl wearing a sweater: after a few minutes, you realize how stupid they are, because there's nothing there to distract you from it. Explosions are key, and when it comes to 80's Action Movies, it's impossible to use too many.
Step 2: The Hero
You have two options for The Hero: he can either be a white dude with a mustache, awesome 80's hair, and a vest, or a super-buff black dude who's not wearing a shirt. If you choose the black dude, he can't be too outrageously buff, because then he starts to leave the "Hero" territory and venture into the "Bad Guy's Number One Henchman" zone. The Hero will be a little bit rough around the edges, but good-natured and pure, and somehow he'll have learned how to kick major ass. They'll explain that he's an ex-Green Beret or something, and because he's selfless, he'll be happy to put his life on the line to defend the innocent, even if it's for no clear reason at all.
Step 3: The Boobies
80's Action Movies are all about a good set of big ol' boobies. You're going to see those boobies several times, and they're going to be real and natural. They'll also probably be wet, due to a shower or the ocean. At some point, the owner of these boobies will be kidnapped by the bad guy, and one of his henchmen will try to gently touch her boobies, and she'll inflict pain on his crotch, even though, two scenes ago, The Hero was squeezing her boobies like he was using a hand pump to inflate an air mattress on a camping trip.
Step 4: The Badass Car
No hero is just gonna walk around with his hot chick by his side, trying to defend justice on foot. He's gonna need a sweet ride. The rules regarding cars in action movies haven't really changed much since the 80's. Our hero is either going to drive the newest, sweetest, real-life sports car on the market, or he's going to drive some kind of futuristic, fictional car that doesn't really exist. He'll probably only drive the sweet car for a few scenes before he crashes it through something and uses it to trigger a huge, catalytic explosion that gets the final action sequence started.
Step 5: The Bad Guy
Since this is an 80's movie, there's going to be karate involved, even when it clearly doesn't belong. Whether the movie takes place in modern-day Harlem, or Dark-Ages England, somebody is going to get jump-kicked in the neck in slow motion. The main bad guy is going to be a sleazy businessman-type, who's trying to get money by taking advantage of some social system that's going to rip everyone else off while he gets filthy rich. Obviously, like any nefarious 80's businessman, he'll have an army of ninjas defending his fortress hideout.
Step 6: The Title
This is incredibly important: 80's movie titles, much like a Tijuana hooker, have to make you think that, for $10, you're going to have two hours of complete and utter awesomeness. To create the proper 80's Action Movie title, you'll need one word that's the name of the main character, but also the name of an object that's considered super badass, like a razor, or a chainsaw. Then, the second word in the title has to be a synonym for ass-kicking revenge. It's as simple as that.
Step 7: The Tagline
The last crucial element of the Awesome 80's Movie is the tagline. This is of utmost importance, because it needs to tell the audience what the movie is sort of about, and it also needs to be really cool. It should contain at least one pun and one ellipses, and it should end with an exclamation point, to further emphasize the action that this movie contains.
STEEL JUSTICE: Coming 25 Years Ago to a Theater Near You!
"ellipses" i'm impressed. there is usually some stupid nickname for drugs in there like "grass" or "candy" or "smack". The 80's were also the dawn of the Arab badguy.
I'll fry you like chicken
I'll make chitlins outa you
Puff Puff Pass
Let my people go, wait you did in 1873
I'm gonna knock you to the back of the bus
Fuck Mayonaise
You forgot something EXTREMELY important about an 80's action flick. You can NEVER EVER IN ETERNITY OF EVERS forget the evil ASIAN guy, Come on guys! I though you said you were big fans, no 80's movie without the Asian guy. Show me one 80's movie without the Asian guy. exactly.
First Blood boom done. and you criticize them for not knowing. when one of the biggest action films of the 80s has no asian dude. same could be said for total recall.
Are you in a school for retards that was a horrible photoshop job, but i'm not dissing them because it was funny. This is how an 80's movie cover would look, but come on this is not a good photoshop job, don't even kid yourself.
Thank God somebody caught that The Birdman was in this movie. My faith in humanity has been restored. Question: what role will Frankie play in this movie? Will he be the foil to an evil scheme or the innocent victim, loved by Steel, that is gunned down and thus setting Steel down the path to revenge?
Big error here, hate to say it, but no 80's action movie saw black on white sex. The white action hero could have a black girlfriend, but Carl Weathers always had a black girl, and light-skinned at that.
Another sub section: Boats
1. A villian could park a boat on a dock lit up like a Christmas tree with spotlights and henchmen with Uzi crawling all over the place, without attracting attention of the local authorities;
2. The boat is either a cargo ship being loaded with contraband, or a yacht with the heroine emprisioned on board, or both;
3. Koko Be-ware IS going to blow up that boat, but only after killing everyone on board first, and saving the lady. He will usually do this by shooting at the big pile of 55-gallon gas cans the bad guy had his crew pile up on the deck right in front of the bridge. Again, the local authorities will not show up during the gigantic spray-and-pray gunfight, but only after the boat explodes, and only to put a blanket around the heroine. Koko will get to walk away from the scene scott-free!
P.S.---Koko is STILL wrestling in the tiny circus-type shows, and that damn parrot is still alive!
hmm... I was going to say the recent Punisher: War Zone was a throw back to the 80's Action Movie genre. According to your rules: it fails by only having one or two explosions and no boobies. I'm sure the 80's Punisher with Lundgren had more explosions, but I can't remember if there were boobies.
the 80s version also had Dolph Lundgren's balls in it, no shit. I remember watching it, wondering if i was suppose to take it more seriously because it shows his nutsack, since nudity is artsy-fartsy and what not.
(63 Comments)
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Holy Taco Goes to the Bahamas
June 12th, 2009 at 11:08 am
haha that was great, not as great as keyra's ass, but close...
June 12th, 2009 at 11:41 am
"ellipses" i'm impressed. there is usually some stupid nickname for drugs in there like "grass" or "candy" or "smack". The 80's were also the dawn of the Arab badguy.
June 12th, 2009 at 01:19 pm
couldn't agree more....80's is the reign time of Cannon Groups, a Menachem Golan (Globus) company - where all the enemy either Arabs or Communists.
June 15th, 2009 at 01:37 am
Death Before Dishonor, Delta Force and Navy Seals - FTW !
June 12th, 2009 at 12:01 pm
love the buff black man's parrot. classy touch.
June 12th, 2009 at 12:43 pm
Thats COCO B WARE Fool!
June 12th, 2009 at 02:31 pm
woah! totally didnt realize it had a name. thanks for the lesson!
June 12th, 2009 at 06:36 pm
LOL! That exchange of comments is the funniest thing I've read all week.
June 12th, 2009 at 12:17 pm
I always knew Koko B Ware would kick ass in a film
June 12th, 2009 at 01:27 pm
Koko B Ware!!!!!! LMAO
June 12th, 2009 at 12:38 pm
What about catch phase?
I'll fry you like chicken
I'll make chitlins outa you
Puff Puff Pass
Let my people go, wait you did in 1873
I'm gonna knock you to the back of the bus
Fuck Mayonaise
June 12th, 2009 at 01:35 pm
Pretty funny until the tagline which was pure class!
June 12th, 2009 at 01:46 pm
"...this time, it's personal"
June 12th, 2009 at 02:48 pm
thanxx funyyy
http://videotimes.us
June 12th, 2009 at 02:55 pm
You forgot something EXTREMELY important about an 80's action flick. You can NEVER EVER IN ETERNITY OF EVERS forget the evil ASIAN guy, Come on guys! I though you said you were big fans, no 80's movie without the Asian guy. Show me one 80's movie without the Asian guy. exactly.
June 12th, 2009 at 03:11 pm
True, but I think the ninjas cover that.
June 13th, 2009 at 12:29 am
I was gonna comment on this but then the girl in the Photo of the Day has a nice ass... see ya.
June 12th, 2009 at 04:22 pm
just got to say, the worst ninja/criminal villains I have ever seen where in that piece of shit movie Paul Blart
fucking pathetic!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
June 12th, 2009 at 05:29 pm
First Blood boom done. and you criticize them for not knowing. when one of the biggest action films of the 80s has no asian dude. same could be said for total recall.
June 13th, 2009 at 12:53 am
Pretty sure there were asians when Rambo was having flashbacks. Try again
June 14th, 2009 at 11:14 am
The Terminator
Commando
June 12th, 2009 at 03:37 pm
i feel dumber every time i come here...
June 12th, 2009 at 03:52 pm
Imagine how we feel.
June 12th, 2009 at 04:07 pm
That's actually why I come here
June 12th, 2009 at 03:38 pm
That was incredible! Good job!
June 12th, 2009 at 07:00 pm
I would sooo watch this.
June 12th, 2009 at 08:50 pm
You forgot the mandatory montage.
June 12th, 2009 at 09:04 pm
The theme song for this movie that came to my head was a parody of speed racer... Go steel justice, go steel justice GOOoo!!
June 12th, 2009 at 09:23 pm
That would totally get an A in my photoshop class. Good job
June 14th, 2009 at 01:03 pm
Are you in a school for retards that was a horrible photoshop job, but i'm not dissing them because it was funny. This is how an 80's movie cover would look, but come on this is not a good photoshop job, don't even kid yourself.
June 13th, 2009 at 02:04 pm
you guys should let me photoshop a couple of things for you
www.ginkfist.com
June 13th, 2009 at 02:54 pm
I swear ive seen this movie b4
electronic cigarette
June 14th, 2009 at 01:51 am
You think thats a great movie? Check out these Fetish Sex Movies!
June 14th, 2009 at 05:30 am
i want to see steel justice right now.
i want to see mr steel kick and tap that ass,
i am rooting for justice.
June 14th, 2009 at 07:16 am
Thank God somebody caught that The Birdman was in this movie. My faith in humanity has been restored. Question: what role will Frankie play in this movie? Will he be the foil to an evil scheme or the innocent victim, loved by Steel, that is gunned down and thus setting Steel down the path to revenge?
June 14th, 2009 at 07:34 am
Big error here, hate to say it, but no 80's action movie saw black on white sex. The white action hero could have a black girlfriend, but Carl Weathers always had a black girl, and light-skinned at that.
Another sub section: Boats
1. A villian could park a boat on a dock lit up like a Christmas tree with spotlights and henchmen with Uzi crawling all over the place, without attracting attention of the local authorities;
2. The boat is either a cargo ship being loaded with contraband, or a yacht with the heroine emprisioned on board, or both;
3. Koko Be-ware IS going to blow up that boat, but only after killing everyone on board first, and saving the lady. He will usually do this by shooting at the big pile of 55-gallon gas cans the bad guy had his crew pile up on the deck right in front of the bridge. Again, the local authorities will not show up during the gigantic spray-and-pray gunfight, but only after the boat explodes, and only to put a blanket around the heroine. Koko will get to walk away from the scene scott-free!
P.S.---Koko is STILL wrestling in the tiny circus-type shows, and that damn parrot is still alive!
June 14th, 2009 at 10:13 am
this is great!!!!
June 14th, 2009 at 10:37 am
That's brilliant.
June 14th, 2009 at 10:49 am
Boy ! 5stars ! Great work. ROFL
June 14th, 2009 at 10:58 am
I think you're thinking of the 70's. This does not look like an 80's movie, but could very be any number of movies released in the 70's.
Get back in the DeLorean and try again.
June 14th, 2009 at 10:59 am
Wow, 80s action movies totally ROCK!
RT
www.absolute-anonymity.us.tc
June 14th, 2009 at 11:00 am
wtb 80's montage and up-beat tunes
June 14th, 2009 at 11:12 am
hmm... I was going to say the recent Punisher: War Zone was a throw back to the 80's Action Movie genre. According to your rules: it fails by only having one or two explosions and no boobies. I'm sure the 80's Punisher with Lundgren had more explosions, but I can't remember if there were boobies.
June 14th, 2009 at 11:15 am
The hos must be at least this stank:
http://www.FilthyRichmond.com
June 15th, 2009 at 05:39 am
the 80s version also had Dolph Lundgren's balls in it, no shit. I remember watching it, wondering if i was suppose to take it more seriously because it shows his nutsack, since nudity is artsy-fartsy and what not.
regardless, it's a funny scene.
June 14th, 2009 at 11:48 am
Watch
First
Black & White
Porn
Clip of
Black Horse fuck Crying chick
June 14th, 2009 at 02:06 pm
Steele Justice was an actual 80's movie w/ Martin Kove, aka the Cobra Kai sensei in Karate Kid. I highly recommend it.
June 14th, 2009 at 02:12 pm
You forgot the 80's action flicks aslo need copious amounts of profanity, preferably the f-word.
June 14th, 2009 at 02:12 pm
You forgot that 80's action flicks also need copious amounts of profanity, preferably the f-word.
June 14th, 2009 at 02:17 pm
That's like Bob Ross with Photoshop...
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