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How To Make an Awesome 80′s Action Movie

We are huge fans of 80′s Action Movies….HUGE fans.  Over the years, we’ve noticed that most 80′s Action Movies follow a certain recipe, and contain specific elements that really seem to make them work.  By following these simple steps, you too can create your own 80′s Action Movie:
 
Step 1: Explosions
 
Any 80′s Action Movie that’s worth its weight in cocaine and lengthy vaginal pubic hair has to have explosions…LOTS of explosions.  An 80′s movie without explosions is like a sorority girl wearing a sweater: after a few minutes, you realize how stupid they are, because there’s nothing there to distract you from it.  Explosions are key, and when it comes to 80′s Action Movies, it’s impossible to use too many.
 
 
 
Step 2: The Hero
 
You have two options for The Hero: he can either be a white dude with a mustache, awesome 80′s hair, and a vest, or a super-buff black dude who’s not wearing a shirt.  If you choose the black dude, he can’t be too outrageously buff, because then he starts to leave the "Hero" territory and venture into the "Bad Guy’s Number One Henchman" zone.  The Hero will be a little bit rough around the edges, but good-natured and pure, and somehow he’ll have learned how to kick major ass. They’ll explain that he’s an ex-Green Beret or something, and because he’s selfless, he’ll be happy to put his life on the line to defend the innocent, even if it’s for no clear reason at all.
 
 
 
Step 3: The Boobies
 
80′s Action Movies are all about a good set of big ol’ boobies.  You’re going to see those boobies several times, and they’re going to be real and natural.  They’ll also probably be wet, due to a shower or the ocean.  At some point, the owner of these boobies will be kidnapped by the bad guy, and one of his henchmen will try to gently touch her boobies, and she’ll inflict pain on his crotch, even though, two scenes ago, The Hero was squeezing her boobies like he was using a hand pump to inflate an air mattress on a camping trip.
 

 
 
 
Step 4: The Badass Car
 
No hero is just gonna walk around with his hot chick by his side, trying to defend justice on foot.  He’s gonna need a sweet ride.  The rules regarding cars in action movies haven’t really changed much since the 80′s.  Our hero is either going to drive the newest, sweetest, real-life sports car on the market, or he’s going to drive some kind of futuristic, fictional car that doesn’t really exist.  He’ll probably only drive the sweet car for a few scenes before he crashes it through something and uses it to trigger a huge, catalytic explosion that gets the final action sequence started.
 
 
 
Step 5: The Bad Guy
 
Since this is an 80′s movie, there’s going to be karate involved, even when it clearly doesn’t belong.  Whether the movie takes place in modern-day Harlem, or Dark-Ages England, somebody is going to get jump-kicked in the neck in slow motion.  The main bad guy is going to be a sleazy businessman-type, who’s trying to get money by taking advantage of some social system that’s going to rip everyone else off while he gets filthy rich.  Obviously, like any nefarious 80′s businessman, he’ll have an army of ninjas defending his fortress hideout.
 
 
 
Step 6: The Title
 
This is incredibly important:  80′s movie titles, much like a Tijuana hooker, have to make you think that, for $10, you’re going to have two hours of complete and utter awesomeness.  To create the proper 80′s Action Movie title, you’ll need one word that’s the name of the main character, but also the name of an object that’s considered super badass, like a razor, or a chainsaw.  Then, the second word in the title has to be a synonym for ass-kicking revenge.  It’s as simple as that.
 
 
 
Step 7: The Tagline
 
The last crucial element of the Awesome 80′s Movie is the tagline.  This is of utmost importance, because it needs to tell the audience what the movie is sort of about, and it also needs to be really cool.  It should contain at least one pun and one ellipses, and it should end with an exclamation point, to further emphasize the action that this movie contains.
 
 
STEEL JUSTICE: Coming 25 Years Ago to a Theater Near You!

65 Responses to "How To Make an Awesome 80′s Action Movie"

  1. Anonymous says:

    You forgot the 80′s action flicks aslo need copious amounts of profanity, preferably the f-word.

  2. kainnation says:

    That’s like Bob Ross with Photoshop…

  3. Anonymous says:

    Steele Justice was an actual 80′s movie w/ Martin Kove, aka the Cobra Kai sensei in Karate Kid. I highly recommend it.

  4. Anonymous says:

    You forgot that 80′s action flicks also need copious amounts of profanity, preferably the f-word.

  5. Anonymous says:

    Pretty sure there were asians when Rambo was having flashbacks. Try again

  6. justin says:
    Imagine how we feel. 
  7. Anonymous says:

    wtb 80′s montage and up-beat tunes

  8. Anonymous says:

    hmm… I was going to say the recent Punisher: War Zone was a throw back to the 80′s Action Movie genre. According to your rules: it fails by only having one or two explosions and no boobies. I’m sure the 80′s Punisher with Lundgren had more explosions, but I can’t remember if there were boobies.

  9. Anonymous says:

    Are you in a school for retards that was a horrible photoshop job, but i’m not dissing them because it was funny. This is how an 80′s movie cover would look, but come on this is not a good photoshop job, don’t even kid yourself.

  10. Anonymous says:

    Boy ! 5stars ! Great work. ROFL

  11. John Watson says:

    Wow, 80s action movies totally ROCK!

    RT
    http://www.absolute-anonymity.us.tc

  12. Sexy Gal says:

    Watch
    First
    Black & White
    Porn
    Clip of
    Black Horse fuck Crying chick

  13. Anonymous says:

    You forgot the mandatory montage.

  14. Anonymous says:

    i want to see steel justice right now.

    i want to see mr steel kick and tap that ass,

    i am rooting for justice.

  15. Harry Clark says:

    That would totally get an A in my photoshop class. Good job

  16. thejackyl says:

    That’s brilliant.

  17. Jester of the Apocalypse says:

    Big error here, hate to say it, but no 80′s action movie saw black on white sex. The white action hero could have a black girlfriend, but Carl Weathers always had a black girl, and light-skinned at that.

    Another sub section: Boats

    1. A villian could park a boat on a dock lit up like a Christmas tree with spotlights and henchmen with Uzi crawling all over the place, without attracting attention of the local authorities;

    2. The boat is either a cargo ship being loaded with contraband, or a yacht with the heroine emprisioned on board, or both;

    3. Koko Be-ware IS going to blow up that boat, but only after killing everyone on board first, and saving the lady. He will usually do this by shooting at the big pile of 55-gallon gas cans the bad guy had his crew pile up on the deck right in front of the bridge. Again, the local authorities will not show up during the gigantic spray-and-pray gunfight, but only after the boat explodes, and only to put a blanket around the heroine. Koko will get to walk away from the scene scott-free!

    P.S.—Koko is STILL wrestling in the tiny circus-type shows, and that damn parrot is still alive!

  18. David K. says:

    True, but I think the ninjas cover that.

  19. Anonymous says:

    You forgot something EXTREMELY important about an 80′s action flick. You can NEVER EVER IN ETERNITY OF EVERS forget the evil ASIAN guy, Come on guys! I though you said you were big fans, no 80′s movie without the Asian guy. Show me one 80′s movie without the Asian guy. exactly.

  20. Anonymous says:

    i feel dumber every time i come here…

  21. Woody says:

    That was incredible! Good job!

  22. Body Massage says:

    The theme song for this movie that came to my head was a parody of speed racer… Go steel justice, go steel justice GOOoo!!

  23. gink says:

    you guys should let me photoshop a couple of things for you

    http://www.ginkfist.com

  24. Anonymous says:

    just got to say, the worst ninja/criminal villains I have ever seen where in that piece of shit movie Paul Blart

    fucking pathetic!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  25. Anonymouse says:

    the 80s version also had Dolph Lundgren’s balls in it, no shit. I remember watching it, wondering if i was suppose to take it more seriously because it shows his nutsack, since nudity is artsy-fartsy and what not.

    regardless, it’s a funny scene.

  26. Horny Chick says:

    You think thats a great movie? Check out these Fetish Sex Movies!

  27. Claynoid says:

    First Blood boom done. and you criticize them for not knowing. when one of the biggest action films of the 80s has no asian dude. same could be said for total recall.

  28. Pratik says:

    I was gonna comment on this but then the girl in the Photo of the Day has a nice ass… see ya.

  29. Delroy says:

    80′s Action At It’s Best…

    Ballard Is SEX In: SEX: Double Penetration

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kgErtIzSoDw&feature=channel_page

  30. Ontopoyamamma says:

    That’s actually why I come here

  31. JesusQuintana says:

    Thank God somebody caught that The Birdman was in this movie. My faith in humanity has been restored. Question: what role will Frankie play in this movie? Will he be the foil to an evil scheme or the innocent victim, loved by Steel, that is gunned down and thus setting Steel down the path to revenge?

  32. Anonymous says:

    The Terminator
    Commando

  33. Rashland Jake says:

    The hos must be at least this stank:
    http://www.FilthyRichmond.com

  34. Anonymous says:

    I think you’re thinking of the 70′s. This does not look like an 80′s movie, but could very be any number of movies released in the 70′s.

    Get back in the DeLorean and try again.

  35. Anonymous says:

    this is great!!!!

  36. Lumpy Taters says:

    I would sooo watch this.

  37. Anonymous says:

    I swear ive seen this movie b4

    electronic cigarette

  38. eknks says:

    Better tag line: Root for Justice, Or you’re gonna’ get his Steel!

    dizi izle dizi izle diziizle canli dizi

  39. sparticus says:

    What about catch phase?

    I’ll fry you like chicken
    I’ll make chitlins outa you
    Puff Puff Pass
    Let my people go, wait you did in 1873
    I’m gonna knock you to the back of the bus
    Fuck Mayonaise

  40. Anonymous says:

    I get both comments but why are they combined together

  41. Anonymous says:

    Koko B. Ware FTW!

  42. Push says:

    LOL! That exchange of comments is the funniest thing I’ve read all week.

  43. Rachel says:

    woah! totally didnt realize it had a name. thanks for the lesson!

  44. Rachel says:

    love the buff black man’s parrot. classy touch.

  45. Blame Canada! says:

    Thats COCO B WARE Fool!

  46. tho tho says:

    couldn’t agree more….80′s is the reign time of Cannon Groups, a Menachem Golan (Globus) company – where all the enemy either Arabs or Communists.

  47. Anonymous says:

    Death Before Dishonor, Delta Force and Navy Seals – FTW !

  48. noahaction says:

    “ellipses” i’m impressed. there is usually some stupid nickname for drugs in there like “grass” or “candy” or “smack”. The 80′s were also the dawn of the Arab badguy.

  49. Anonymous says:

    who is the chick in the poster?

  50. Anonymous says:

    who is that chick in the poster ?

  51. Anonymous says:

    Koko B Ware!!!!!! LMAO

  52. Anonymous says:

    I always knew Koko B Ware would kick ass in a film

  53. Anonymous says:

    “…this time, it’s personal”

  54. sexy girls says:

    thanxx funyyy
    http://videotimes.us

  55. Anonymous says:

    Whos the Girl in the poster ?

  56. Leeroy says:

    random google images girl.

    Watch TV Online

  57. Bob says:

    Better tag line: Root for Justice, Or you’re gonna’ get his Steel!

  58. Anonymous says:

    This movie looks great, anyone know when it comes out?!?!?

  59. johnpaulnymous says:

    haha that was great, not as great as keyra’s ass, but close…

  60. Anonymous says:

    Fail.

  61. Ally says:

    Pretty funny until the tagline which was pure class!

  62. Darth Ranger says:

    I was a innocent little kid in the eighties! really I was!=)

  63. mrriley says:

    ….funny,,,,,anyone seen ” black shampoo “….
    plus check out new “black dynamite”

  64. jason h low says:

    you forgot a few more things

    1. the supportive best friend/sensei if the main is black he’s usually a white guy who tells him “you can’t do that” if if the main is white he’s usually either a geek, or a black guy who says “ass” atleast 15 times.
    2. the supportive best friend/sensei/ex’s death
    3. the battle wear he bests the worlds best fighter who clearly has an advantage over him
    4. the part wear he gets injured but its only a flesh wound that can be band-aided with a torn shirt
    5. and most important the special villian death in an ironic and far fetched way.

  65. christian louboutin says:

    Pretty funny until the tagline which was pure class!haha
    christianlouboutin