We are huge fans of 80′s Action Movies….HUGE fans. Over the years, we’ve noticed that most 80′s Action Movies follow a certain recipe, and contain specific elements that really seem to make them work. By following these simple steps, you too can create your own 80′s Action Movie:
Step 1: Explosions
Any 80′s Action Movie that’s worth its weight in cocaine and lengthy vaginal pubic hair has to have explosions…LOTS of explosions. An 80′s movie without explosions is like a sorority girl wearing a sweater: after a few minutes, you realize how stupid they are, because there’s nothing there to distract you from it. Explosions are key, and when it comes to 80′s Action Movies, it’s impossible to use too many.
Step 2: The Hero
You have two options for The Hero: he can either be a white dude with a mustache, awesome 80′s hair, and a vest, or a super-buff black dude who’s not wearing a shirt. If you choose the black dude, he can’t be too outrageously buff, because then he starts to leave the "Hero" territory and venture into the "Bad Guy’s Number One Henchman" zone. The Hero will be a little bit rough around the edges, but good-natured and pure, and somehow he’ll have learned how to kick major ass. They’ll explain that he’s an ex-Green Beret or something, and because he’s selfless, he’ll be happy to put his life on the line to defend the innocent, even if it’s for no clear reason at all.
Step 3: The Boobies
80′s Action Movies are all about a good set of big ol’ boobies. You’re going to see those boobies several times, and they’re going to be real and natural. They’ll also probably be wet, due to a shower or the ocean. At some point, the owner of these boobies will be kidnapped by the bad guy, and one of his henchmen will try to gently touch her boobies, and she’ll inflict pain on his crotch, even though, two scenes ago, The Hero was squeezing her boobies like he was using a hand pump to inflate an air mattress on a camping trip.
Step 4: The Badass Car
No hero is just gonna walk around with his hot chick by his side, trying to defend justice on foot. He’s gonna need a sweet ride. The rules regarding cars in action movies haven’t really changed much since the 80′s. Our hero is either going to drive the newest, sweetest, real-life sports car on the market, or he’s going to drive some kind of futuristic, fictional car that doesn’t really exist. He’ll probably only drive the sweet car for a few scenes before he crashes it through something and uses it to trigger a huge, catalytic explosion that gets the final action sequence started.
Step 5: The Bad Guy
Since this is an 80′s movie, there’s going to be karate involved, even when it clearly doesn’t belong. Whether the movie takes place in modern-day Harlem, or Dark-Ages England, somebody is going to get jump-kicked in the neck in slow motion. The main bad guy is going to be a sleazy businessman-type, who’s trying to get money by taking advantage of some social system that’s going to rip everyone else off while he gets filthy rich. Obviously, like any nefarious 80′s businessman, he’ll have an army of ninjas defending his fortress hideout.
Step 6: The Title
This is incredibly important: 80′s movie titles, much like a Tijuana hooker, have to make you think that, for $10, you’re going to have two hours of complete and utter awesomeness. To create the proper 80′s Action Movie title, you’ll need one word that’s the name of the main character, but also the name of an object that’s considered super badass, like a razor, or a chainsaw. Then, the second word in the title has to be a synonym for ass-kicking revenge. It’s as simple as that.
Step 7: The Tagline
The last crucial element of the Awesome 80′s Movie is the tagline. This is of utmost importance, because it needs to tell the audience what the movie is sort of about, and it also needs to be really cool. It should contain at least one pun and one ellipses, and it should end with an exclamation point, to further emphasize the action that this movie contains.
STEEL JUSTICE: Coming 25 Years Ago to a Theater Near You!