Christian movies and Horror movies seem like they’re on opposite ends of the film spectrum, but we’d like to think that, with a little forward-thinking, we could make a pretty awesome Christian horror movie that could appeal to the blood-thirsty audience and appease the God-fearing masses at the same time:
Step 1: Blackness
Every horror movie that wants to be scarier than a Roseanne marathon has to have a black movie poster, because blackness is a lot like darkness, and people are naturally afraid of the dark. When making a horror movie, follow closely in the footsteps of every crew member in Passenger 57: Always bet on black.
Step 2: Ominous Background
The background directly over the blackness is very important because, much like a Maroon 5 mix CD before awkward first-time sex, it sets the mood and tone for what the next two hours is all about. This is especially tricky when dealing with a Christian horror movie, because it has to be spooky enough to live up to the horror film aspect, but it must also reassure the Christian audience by displaying the cross as a shining beacon of hope.
Step 3: Zombies
Zombies are to a horror movie what sprinkles are to a donut: without them it’s lame and bland, and the only person who likes it is the creepy dude in your office who still collects Beanie Babies and then colors them black with a Sharpie. You really can’t go wrong with zombies, because they can be everywhere, unlike a serial killer or a homocidal maniac, who has to somehow defy the laws of physics to catch up with his prey. There can always be another zombie around the corner, so use it to your advantage.
Step 4: The Girl
This step illustrates the biggest difference between the horror and Christian film genres: horror movies are known for their hot, big-tittied broads. This kind of girl can’t exist in a Christian movie, let alone be exalted as a heroin, but let’s not forget: Christian guys still like to look at hot chicks, they just don’t want to have to feel guilty about it later. Put some effort into finding a girl who’s pretty hot, but also looks conservative and good-natured.
Step 5: Kirk Cameron
Christians love Kirk Cameron like fat kids love giant vats of frosting: if they could, they would crawl inside of him and die happy. If you’re going to make a profitable Christian movie, Kirk Cameron has got to be involved. In this particular film, it only makes sense to include Jesus, since he is the most famous zombie in history. Kill two birds with one stone and cast Kirk Cameron as Zombie Jesus, the unlikely hero with a heart of gold and a penchant for forgiveness…and also magic.
Step 6: Cool, Scary Looking Title
The title of a horror movie is a lot like a dead hooker with mob ties: it looks scary and menacing, but it doesn’t give away any valuable information. In this example, we’ve chosen to go with a title that harkens back to the religious aspect of the movie, but also looks scary and intimidating. It’s vague enough to not give too much away, but it definitely expresses that something menacing is coming back from the dead, and that that thing might start with a "Z", and that’s really all we need to portray.
Step 7: Awesome Tagline
Movie taglines are the boobs of a film: they’re the first indication of what it will be like to spend some time with the subject, and they’re responsible for hooking your attention and reeling you in. You can decide later if the film is worth your attention or not, but as long as the tagline peaks your interest, it’s done its job. It should be punny or referential, and end with a simple, direct statement that expresses the conflict of the film in a single, memorable phrase.
REZZURECTION: Coming Soon to a Fellowship Hall Near You!