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How To: Make a Christian Horror Movie

Christian movies and Horror movies seem like they’re on opposite ends of the film spectrum, but we’d like to think that, with a little forward-thinking, we could make a pretty awesome Christian horror movie that could appeal to the blood-thirsty audience and appease the God-fearing masses at the same time:
 
Step 1: Blackness
 
Every horror movie that wants to be scarier than a Roseanne marathon has to have a black movie poster, because blackness is a lot like darkness, and people are naturally afraid of the dark.  When making a horror movie, follow closely in the footsteps of every crew member in Passenger 57: Always bet on black.
 
 
 
Step 2: Ominous Background
 
The background directly over the blackness is very important because, much like a Maroon 5 mix CD before awkward first-time sex, it sets the mood and tone for what the next two hours is all about.  This is especially tricky when dealing with a Christian horror movie, because it has to be spooky enough to live up to the horror film aspect, but it must also reassure the Christian audience by displaying the cross as a shining beacon of hope.
 
 
 
Step 3: Zombies
 
Zombies are to a horror movie what sprinkles are to a donut: without them it’s lame and bland, and the only person who likes it is the creepy dude in your office who still collects Beanie Babies and then colors them black with a Sharpie.  You really can’t go wrong with zombies, because they can be everywhere, unlike a serial killer or a homocidal maniac, who has to somehow defy the laws of physics to catch up with his prey.  There can always be another zombie around the corner, so use it to your advantage.
 

 
 
Step 4: The Girl
 
This step illustrates the biggest difference between the horror and Christian film genres: horror movies are known for their hot, big-tittied broads.  This kind of girl can’t exist in a Christian movie, let alone be exalted as a heroin, but let’s not forget: Christian guys still like to look at hot chicks, they just don’t want to have to feel guilty about it later.  Put some effort into finding a girl who’s pretty hot, but also looks conservative and good-natured.
 
 
 
Step 5: Kirk Cameron
 
Christians love Kirk Cameron like fat kids love giant vats of frosting: if they could, they would crawl inside of him and die happy.  If you’re going to make a profitable Christian movie, Kirk Cameron has got to be involved.  In this particular film, it only makes sense to include Jesus, since he is the most famous zombie in history.  Kill two birds with one stone and cast Kirk Cameron as Zombie Jesus, the unlikely hero with a heart of gold and a penchant for forgiveness…and also magic.
 
 
 
Step 6: Cool, Scary Looking Title
 
The title of a horror movie is a lot like a dead hooker with mob ties: it looks scary and menacing, but it doesn’t give away any valuable information.  In this example, we’ve chosen to go with a title that harkens back to the religious aspect of the movie, but also looks scary and intimidating.  It’s vague enough to not give too much away, but it definitely expresses that something menacing is coming back from the dead, and that that thing might start with a "Z", and that’s really all we need to portray.
 
 
 
Step 7: Awesome Tagline
 
Movie taglines are the boobs of a film: they’re the first indication of what it will be like to spend some time with the subject, and they’re responsible for hooking your attention and reeling you in.  You can decide later if the film is worth your attention or not, but as long as the tagline peaks your interest, it’s done its job.  It should be punny or referential, and end with a simple, direct statement that expresses the conflict of the film in a single, memorable phrase.
 

REZZURECTION: Coming Soon to a Fellowship Hall Near You!
 

19 Responses to "How To: Make a Christian Horror Movie"

  1. netiaz says:

    I, having now actually seen Starship Troopers 3, agree that it’s got some weird religious shit going on with it. I don’t even really know what they were going for there. Holy Shit.

  2. John B Hodges says:

    For a Christian horror movie, how about “The Magdalene Sisters”? Or “Starship Troopers 3: Marauder”? Or “Signs”, the crop-circle/invasion flick starring (IIRC) Mel Gibson? Even the most recent remake of “The Last Man on Earth”, the one with Will Smith, I forget the title. There are lots so-called science-fiction movies being made nowadays that are anti-science and pro-Christian. “Knowing” with Nicholas Cage just came out on DVD. “Solaris” with George Clooney has been out for awhile.

  3. man says:

    guys dont go to the youtube link i posted–it redirects to a site storing a trojan horse.

    Im sorry.

  4. FDL-longnameisamoron says:

    You’re an idiot dude. How is that stooping low?

    Let’s see some comedy citations showing that this is several decades old and has been used as often as your asshole.

  5. netiaz says:

    Starship Troopers 3 is a real movie.

  6. John B Hodges says:

    Yes, I know it’s a real movie, I have the DVD on my shelf. I offer it as a Christian horror movie. Though some Christians may be dense enough to miss the horror of it. Remember the ending of it, what use the General makes of Christianity.

  7. justin says:
    It seems like an old idea to us to, but then again, nobody has made a Zombie Jesus movie that’s even remotely mainstream yet, so apparently it’s not that overplayed.  (Also, it was more of a Kirk Cameron joke than a Zombie Jesus joke, and Kirk Cameron will never be too old. Never.) 
  8. Franklin D.Learymclillyenmckennastiene says:

    One other thing: this article blows, And is way too formulaic.
    Way to use a joke several decades old.Yes,we get it,
    zombies rise from the grave,and jesus does too(given the obligatory 3 day resting perioud),This stopped being funny a long,long time ago.This article is like that ‘random’ gothtard who still thinks dead baby jokes are ‘like totally edgy man’.
    Not saying that you are a bad comedy writer or something–Just that using this is stooping low.
    Mustve been partying far too hard and almost missed the deadline.

    Its okay, we understand.

    <3.

  9. Pierrre says:

    awful. I’ll just buy a copy of Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter

  10. man says:

    ok listen up guys…the other day, m stupid friend snuck and changed my myspace status to GAY…i kno fucked up, plus i jus found out today..so in response i made a youtube video to embaress him…i need you guys help, comment on it please, and gmme some stars, i need this to go viral lol heres the link http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cVpbC9v6UY8

    not his kid lolz

  11. RicaB says:

    thank you.

  12. durr says:

    piqued.

  13. fourteenlines says:

    And who might that be?

  14. primwart says:

    You forgot the most important zombie in a Christian flick.

  15. Franklin D.Learymclillyenmckennastiene says:

    Uh.Im not clicking on that youtube link,but even if he did,who cares? Way to totally betray your lack of confidence in your sexuality.And i doubt he ‘snuck’,a more likely occurance was that you are simply too fucktarded to log out and he wanted to teach you a lesson.
    Dumbasss.

  16. Franklin D.Learymclillyenmckennastiene says:

    im sorry man, funny vid

  17. philosopher says:

    Zombie Jesus… i would pay money to see that. He can bring you to heaven, by killing and eating you.

  18. Professor Coronopolis says:

    terrible

  19. Messatsunokami says:

    LMAO