If you’ve been alive at any point today, you’ve probably come across a news story about a traffic jam in China. This traffic jam, however, isn’t your normal traffic jam. This is like the Great Wall of China of traffic jams. On a highway on the way to Bejing, there is a string of idled cars and (mostly) trucks that stretches back a whole 62 miles long and it’s been going on for the past 9 days. It’s almost like China is so desperate to show America that they are the new dominate force in the world by proving that even their commutes are grander and more suicide-inducing.
We can’t help but feel bad for the people in the jam. Our daily trek to the office is already makes us pound our fists in to our steering wheels and makes us curse out old ladies that refuse to inch a little closer to the car in front of them so we can, in turn, inch forward a bit to give ourselves the illusion of movement and progress. So while we were in traffic this morning hating our lives, we tried to dream up a series of things that we would make sitting in traffic for 9 days a whole lot worse.
1) Sitting in traffic for 9 days after eating 2 bran muffins and drinking a liter of coffee.
2) Living out an action movie chase scene where you are just narrowly escaping a BMW loaded with angry Russian dudes firing AK’s…then getting stuck in a traffic jam for 9 days. Sure, you can get out of the car and make a break for it, but let’s face it: you’re never going to out run an AK.
3) Being the person that thought they were smart and tried to skip everyone by driving through the shoulder lane, then having to be face-to-face with the person that you tried to get in front of…for 9 days.
4) Your radio gets stuck on the Christian rock station
5) Being stuck behind a guy that has completely masked his car’s original paint job with silly bumper stickers filled with puns.
6) Having road rage, then having your ass kicked by 50 other people with road rage.
7) Falling in love with the person in the car next to you on day 3, then finding out they’ve been in a relationship with the douche bag driving the Audi since day 2. Then, having an ugly breakup on day 5, then having makeup sex on day 6, and then getting your ass kicked by the Audi douche on day 8.
8) Taking your car apart and using the pieces to construct a rudimentary time machine, only to travel 50 days in the future and find that you’re still stuck in traffic…and robots eat people now.
9) Have a panic attack as you attempt to restrain yourself from having sex with tailpipes, you’re favorite sexual past time.
10) Have hundreds of Mexicans forming en masse, all trying to sell you their oranges.