So you’ve decided you want to make a fashion statement, but you’re not creative enough to be actually creative and your understanding of what “fashion” means is dubious at best, clouded behind a haze of OTC cough medicine and psylocybin. What better solution than to punk off Lady Gaga, music’s answer to “what the f*ck?” Her talent is overshadowed by her distracting you with outfits made from meat, Clint Howard, rusty cogs and other assorted junk yard items that catch the eye and boggle the mind. In fact, it’s possible her live show consists of her prancing about on stage in the hollowed out corpse of a PussyCat Doll with a feather in her ass while old Tiffany CDs play in the background. It’s so confusing you’d never know the difference.
Whatever your motivation for wanting to dress like Gags (that’s what the rest of us in Hollywood call her), you need to plan ahead. You can’t just cover yourself in double-sided tape and then roll around in the dump, that could get you tetanus or hepatitis or the rabies, only one of which you should use as an accessory as all three are tacky. The first thing you need to do is decide on the occasion for the outfit in question.
Comfort is the key when you’re putting in the hours under hot lights to entertain your fans. Keep that in mind and go for something light and airy, or at least that doesn’t include a vinyl facemask. If it makes you look like an extra from Barbarella or the nightmare of a lonely child with Asperger’s, even better.
If the situation is an intimate sit down with someone else for an interview, a little “get to know you” moment to help your fans get to know the real you and a bit about what makes you tick, you can’t go wrong with something that’s understated and not distracting. However, if you’re afraid what you have to say may not hold the interest of listeners for too long, better put a phone on your head. No phone free? Try an iron, a blender or a bag of copper wiring.
It’s not everyday you get to meet the Queen, the President, JK Rowling or Ron Jeremy, so you better put your best foot forward and go from something a little ironic. If you’re meeting the Dalai Lama, try severing the head of a real llama and wearing it for a hat. Are you going to meet Kim Jong-Il? Maybe you could wear boxes of Lucky Charms for shoes. Putting on a show for the Pope? Perform the whole thing as someone who doesn’t have AIDS because you use condoms.
If you’re out to make an impression and get noticed at a premier or some other big red carpet event, you may want to try your hand at some kind of fusion outfit. Unfamiliar with the term? It’s like fusion cuisine, only instead of mixing Mexican and Chinese food, you’re going to mix a pirate outfit with a hazmat suit. Or maybe a nun’s habit can meld with fishnets and a gold lamé cat suit. The sky’s the limit!
Once you’ve narrowed down where you’re going and have a vague idea of how to approach the outfit, it’s time to get to the nitty gritty and hit the shops. Odds are you won’t find what you’re looking for on the rack at Wal Mart. You’re going to need to think outside the box. How far outside the box? We narrowed it down into easy to follow categories, so you don’t have to run around town looking for bits and pieces.
Dollar Store Items:
Fetish Club Lost and Found:
Craft Store Finishing Touches:
Now that you’ve hit the mall and have all the bits and bobs you need, you just have to put everything together into one awesome package. Don’t feel limited by the walls of a single store, mix and match for the best effect.
Now you’re ready to take the music world by storm. What’s that? Don’t know how to sing or write songs? Ha ha, good one! Thank us in your first Grammy acceptance speech.