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How to Make Love to Christopher Walken


So you’ve decided to go all the way with popular character actor Christopher Walken, good for you. Pat yourself on the back for a fine choice. Of all the frightening, grizzled actors in Hollywood today (Lance Henrikson, Clint Eastwood, Patton Oswalt), none is more sensual or unpredictable than Mr. Walken. You’re in for a wild ride.

Approaching Christopher Walken for sex isn’t as easy as it is if you’re trying to bag Bruce Willis or Jerry Lewis. This one requires a little more stealth and finesse, and not just because of Mr. Walken’s notoriously slippery nature. Lucky for you this is the information age and compiling a list of tricks and tips for engaging in coitus with Christopher Walken is not nearly as hard as it was just 10 years ago. What an age we live in.


Step 1 – Preparation

You can’t just roll out of bed and hope to put the hump on Christopher Walken. There’s a good chance he’ll kill you with a pocket knife if you simply shamble up to him and accost him for sexual purposes. For what it’s worth, that’s a good tip for any sexual liaison. Always talk to your humpee beforehand and make sure they’re cool with it.

To start with, you need to make yourself desirable to Christopher Walken. Please pay special attention to that last part. Not just desirable, but desirable to Mr. Walken. This is a man who pulls on his own hair just because. This is a man who once trained with NASA astronauts to prepare for a suborbital flight and no one realized he wasn’t supposed to be there for 6 weeks.

So what is desirable to Christopher Walken? Choreography and madness. Those are hard qualities for any person to master, but if you can arrange a dance routine that includes a lot of schizophrenics, odds are Walken’s boner will be so intense it will be audible, kind of like the hum of an old refrigerator. Incidentally, if you’ve ever met Mr. Walken and heard that sound, now you know why.

Step 2 – Seduction

Just because you put on a dance routine with the broken brained doesn’t mean you’re going to score. It takes more than that to get the balls rolling. Probably every day you see people who turn you on, it doesn’t mean you hop on them and hump them unless you’re some kind of monkey and/or from Jersey. Most of us have more self-control than that and so does Mr. Walken.

The trick to seducing Christopher Walken first lies in eye contact. Don’t go making assumptions about this one – you want to avoid eye contact. Why? Because Christopher Walken is friggin’ insane. Like a dog that’s been abused for years, or perhaps like a telepathic alien intent on sucking the secrets from your mind by simply pulling them from your brain, eye contact with Walken will end badly for you. It starts with a glance and probably ends with him burying you off the interstate. And you know what? He’s famous, so no one will care. When’s the last time you saw a popular actor actually go to prison? If he got caught for killing you he’d probably be sentenced to making a PSA about why it’s not cool to kill you. And he’d phone it in.

Step 3 – Making Your Move

Consider how you’ve gotten to first base in the past. Did you use the time tested technique of yawning and putting your arm around her at the same time? Did you use chloroform? Odds are neither one is going to work so well on Mr. Walken. His blunt, forthright style demands one thing and one thing only – ask him to put out.

If you’re still feeling a little nervous, you could always try to break the ice with a line inspired by one of Walken’s movies. Something like this;

• I want to get my face in your Dead Zone
• Catch me in the can
• I’ve got a prophecy for you – we’ll soon be bumping uglies
• You know another thing you can do in Denver when you’re dead? Hump
• Can I see where you hid that watch in Pulp Fiction?
• You be the last man standing, I’ll be the first on my knees
• Wedding Crashers was a good movie. Let’s pork.

Really, the possibilities are nearly endless. None of them are good, but they’re nearly endless, and there’s a good chance Walken will appreciate your creativity. Appreciate it so much that you’ll leap right into step 4.

Step 4 – Coitus With Christopher Walken

Have you ever had an Indian burn on your penis and/or lady thing that probably has amore technical name? You may want to give it a try about a day in advance just to see what you think of it.

Sex with Christopher Walken is much like riding a big cat. Perhaps a lion, or a puma. Is it impossible? No. Can it be enjoyable? Possibly. Is there a chance of blood loss and jungle-borne illness? Yes. Most certainly. Keep your eyes open for that.

Like a beaver being stalked for its precious pelt, you’ll want to leap upon Mr. Walken from behind. He’ll put up a fight and you’ll get bruised, but hold fast. He can’t keep this up forever.

Once he calms down a bit, try maneuvering into position. Does that feel nice? Mission accomplished! Does it feel awkward and unpleasant? Mission accomplished!

Step 5 – The Afterglow

Cuddling with Christopher Walken is about what you’d expect. Curious anecdotes replete with non sequitors, disjointed compliments on your performance and bone chilling stares while he uses baby wipes to clean himself up.

Etiquette dictates you should probably spoon with the man for 10 minutes or so. Smell his hair, tweak a nipple, that sort of thing. Under no circumstances should you spend the night. Once you’re satisfied that the job is done, politely excuse yourself to “freshen up.” Now’s your opportunity to escape through the bathroom window. No window in the bathroom? Oops! Looks like you’re going to end up under the stairs with all the others. It was probably worth it though, right?


9 Responses to "How to Make Love to Christopher Walken"

  1. Loren says:

    Terrific article. I’ll give it a try if I can corner him after his play this weekend.

  2. Ian Fortey says:
    Remember, sidle up to him slowly.  No quick movements.
  3. What? says:

    Ian Fortey? I’m glad I still get to read your stuff even though you left Cracked.

  4. Ryan says:

    Oh thank god. I’ve been wondering how to go about this for years. Thanks HolyTaco :)

  5. Poop scooped says:


  6. Joe Dirt says:

    You better show my new daddy a good time, or he will stab you in the face with a soldering iron.

  7. wolfey says:

    This post, along with the McGriddle and Flea Market stories, were quite possibly the best three consecutive (and possibly ever) articles I have read on this website in the past year or so. I salute you Holy Taco for giving me this pleasureful goodness.

    Thank you.


  8. Christie says:

    Do you have any John Malkovich tips?

  9. vonshine says:

    What about tips for Judge Reinhold?