The McDonalds McGriddle is one of the most well-crafted pieces of synthetic food-like products ever created in a lab with the usage of Bunsen burners, beakers, and giant white boards with complex chemical compositions and long, mind boggling equations written on them. When you take a bite out of one, you’re not tasting the craftsmanship of a trained chef that’s trying to make some cheap, yet delicious breakfast foods; you’re tasting the mad ramblings of a Doc Brown-type that’s more than willing to cram electrodes in your pooper to test his theory of whether or not electrically stimulating the prostate can make a human fire lasers out of their eyes.
But who’s to say that you can’t bring that all of that mad science home and create a perfectly suitable analogue for your own eating pleasure? No one! That’s who! With a little know-how, a sprinkle of gumption, and a splash of elbow grease, you, too, can create one of the fast food world’s most delectable treats in your very own kitchen.
1 cup all-purpose flour1 teaspoon salt½ cup sugar¼ cup vegetable oil¼ cup whole milk¼ cup maple syrup
¼ pound ground sausage or bacon
3 or 4 slices American cheese
1 teaspoon disodium pyrophosphate
1) Combine the first three ingredients in a large bowl. Stir.
2) Add the vegetable oil and milk. Stir until incorporated and only slightly lumpy.
3) Crack 1 egg in to a bowl and add in the teaspoon of disodium pyrophosphate. Disodium pyrophosphate is a chemical compound with many industrial uses including leather treating, removing the hair off of a slaughtered hog, and preserving the color of processed foods. It’s one of the main ingredients of the McDonalds McGriddle.
4) Realize that you don’t have disodium pyrophosphate in your cupboard
5) Run a quick Google search for your nearest supplier of industrial chemical compounds.
6) Hey! There’s a supplier only a few miles away from your house! Sweet!
7) Grab your ski mask and make some eye holes, and maybe a mouth hole.
8) Load your pistol, and make sure the safety is off.
9) Hop in the car and make your way to the supplier. Abide by all of the rules of the road. No need to draw attention.
10) Scope out the building for about an hour.
11) Count the number of guards on patrol. Look for weaknesses and openings. Is one overweight and possibly slow? How would you take advantage of that?
12) Walk up to the guard at the gate. Tell him that your car broke down, your cell phone is dead, and you were wondering if he could call a tow truck. When he turns to the phone, break his goddamn neck. Hey, do you want a delicious homemade McGriddle, or not?! You do? Good. Kill that guard.
13) Good…good. Now, hide the body under his desk. Make sure no part of him is poking out so a passerby can see it.
14) Make your way on to the compound.
15) When the guard at the front door asks what you’re doing there, say “My car broke down and there was no one at the gate. I’m just looking for some help.” When he offers help, pull your gun on him.
16) Give him a badass ultimatum: hit the ground or eat some bullets.
17) Cuff him with his own cuffs
18) Crack the two remaining eggs on to his head to humiliate him, then say “I guess things don’t look so…SUNNY-SIDE UP FOR YOU!”
19) Take his keys and high-five yourself for delivering a most excellent egg pun.
20) Open the front door. You’re in! You’re halfway to delicious homemade McGriddles!
21) Search the halls for a door labeled “Processing.” This will be where they store all of the chemicals used for making delicious McGriddles.
22) Enter the room and search for a large refrigerator. Open the fridge…the security alarm went off! Quick, search for a vial of disodium pyrophosphate!
23) Haul-ass out of the door and make your way to your car.
24) Shit! The fuzz! How did they get here so fast?
25) Bust some caps in their general direction. Don’t harm them; just keep them at a distance.
26) Get in your car and make a break for it.
27) Take I-95, it’s faster and there’s less traffic at this hour.
28) When traffic is clear, reach your hand out and fire upon the cop cars that are quickly catching up.
29) Congrats! You just proved that when you shoot out the tire of a cop car that’s traveling at 75 MPH, the car flips, tumbles, and explodes, causing the other cars behind it to inexplicably launch in to the air.
30) Uh, oh! Out of the fire and destruction
comes the rogue/rebel/renegade cop. The guy whose family was killed in a freak disodium pyrophosphate accident. He’ll be damned if he lets a single drop of the stuff hit the streets and poison our society. But, of course, he’s never had a McGriddle, let alone ever made one at home. The dumb bastard would never understand.
31) When he slams his car in to yours, take it with stride. Readjust and keep your eyes ahead of you.
32) Yell “You’ll never stop me, Sanchez!” (His name is Sanchez, and yes, you knew that head of time).
33) When he says “Damn it, Bill! Stop the madness!” You should say “It appears that your brain is all…SCRAMBLED!” (Your name is Bill).
34) When Sanchez sideswipes your trunk and you do a 180, fire your gun at him like John McClane did in Die Hard with a Vengeance in that one scene where he spins his car and shoots at the bad guys behind him.
35) Continue to drive you car at 90 MPH…backwards! And while exchanging fire with Sanchez!
36) Spin your car back around and take the next exit. Your home and delicious McGriddles are almost near!
37) Slam your car through some fences and disrupt some backyard pool parties. When a small child is in the direct path of your car’s grill, don’t slow down. Quickly jerk the wheel while screaming “AHHHHHHHHH!!!” You just passed off the worry of running over a kid to Sanchez, who slams the breaks and stops only inches away from the child.
38) Look in your rearview mirror and laugh. Listen carefully for Sanchez as he stands by his idled ’67 GTO and yells “I’LL GET YOU, BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILLL!” then slams his fist on his roof. To this, you say “Yeah, you’ll get me when…(totally awesome egg-related pun).”
39) Screech in to your driveway and make a brake for the door. Enter.
40) Get to the kitchen.
41) Add 1 teaspoon of disodium pyrophosphate to the egg. Stir with an egg beater.
42) Heat a large pan. Add a slice of butter. Pour the pancake batter in to the pan to form 3-inch wide circles. When the tops of the pancakes bubble, pour a teaspoon of maple syrup on each. Flip and cook the other side.
43) Transfer the pancakes to a plate and allow to cool.
44) Form the ground sausage in to 3-inch wide patties and fry. Transfer on to a plate.
45) Pour the egg in to another hot pan and cook in the same way you would cook an omelet. Fold the corners to form a roughly 4×4-inch square.
46) Using one pancake as a base, pile on the egg, sausage, a slice of American cheese, and top it with another pancake.
47) Just before you take a bite, stop. Pull out your gun and point it to the entryway of your kitchen – point it at Sanchez. Say “I knew you’d follow me here,” without looking at him.
48) When Sanchez says “Why did you do this? Why couldn’t you just go get yourself a McGriddle from McDonalds?” reply with “Because they stop serving breakfast at 11, and I felt like having a McGriddle at 11:30. It’s the system, man. It’s all messed up! It’s designed to hold people like me down. It’s designed to hold people like you down.”
49) When Sanchez responds with “W-What do you mean?” You say “You’ve never had a McGriddle, have you, Sanchez?” He will say “N-No, but…”
50) Cut him off and say “Just try it, Sanchez. If you’re going to put some bullets in me, all I ask for in exchange is that you try it. I want you to understand what you’re fighting against. And I want you to understand what I’m fighting for.”
51) When Sanchez lowers his gun and walks toward you, do nothing. Just wait. Hold the homemade McGriddle to his mouth and let him take a bite.
52) Watch him as he chews.
53) When he says “My God…what…what have I done?…” Simply say, “It’s okay, Sanchez. It’s okay.” Give him the rest of the McGriddle and assemble your own.
54) Sit down next to him at your dinner table and enjoy your delicious McGriddle analogue…together.
55) When Sanchez says “This is…EGG-CELLENT! “, put a hand on his shoulder and say “I know, Sanchez. I know.”