So, you’ve decided you want to get squishy with one of history’s most exceptional thinkers, nothing wrong with that. For years, Jessica Simpson has proved she has the ability to breathe and maintain most other autonomic functions with little to no effort. Good for her. And good for you! Get ready to smooch the intellectual equivalent of that sponge in your sink that’s one dinner’s worth of dishes away from retirement.
Making out with Miss Simpson will be no easy task, and not because she was a celebrity a few years ago, but more for logistical reasons. Let’s use a visual example.
Ooh, sensual! But how can your face replace that scratchy-looking visage nestled so close to hers and inspiring that lusty glare filled with all the passion of a zombie suffering from Montezuma’s Revenge? It’s a multi-step process, like wiping your ass.
#1 – Hunting Jessica Simpson
Where do you find Jessica Simpson? In the wild she used to be found at awards shows and concert venues. These days it’s usually chili cookoffs and Wal Mart dedication ceremonies. We hear she has her own line or purses or something as well, so maybe stop by Goodwill.
Are there tabloid journalists around yelling things like “Hey fatty!” and snapping photos? It’s probably Val Kilmer you’re looking at and not Jessica Simpson. But if there’s one paparazzo popping nitro pills and taking pictures with a mid-90’s cell phone cam of a blonde girl who’s become aggressive towards her own reflection in a store window, that’s probably her.
#2 – Trapping Jessica Simpson
You don’t want to leap upon Jessica Simpson all willy nilly, that’ll get you nowhere and she’ll slip away like a greased and frightened manatee in the clutches of a ravenous merman. Instead, use your smarts. Hit your head a lot? Doesn’t matter, you still probably have an edge.
Like a fish or an especially simple child, shiny things are likely to garner Jessica Simpson’s attention with relative ease, lulling her into a hypnotic, dullard trance. Be careful if you do this at some kind of nostalgic Hollywood event that’s allows stars of yesteryear the opportunity to be dusted off, lest your shiny bauble also attract the likes of Debbie Gibson, C+C Music Factory, Vanilla Ice, Lou Bega or Nick Lachey. They’re out there and they are desperate for recognition.
Your best bet is to try to get Jessica Simpson away from a crowd. Put your shiny thing in a room with an open door. Rig the door so that it closes when the shiny thing is picked up. If the handle looks like a push handle but it’s really a pull you have at least three or four days before she’ll dig under it.
#3 – Moving In on Jessica Simpson
Now that you have Jessica Simpson’s undivided attention, you still need to approach the matter in the way you would expect. Tell her she’s pretty or whatever. In the last few years tabloids have claimed she’s done everyone from Dane Cook to John Mayer, meaning she literally has no standards whatsoever.
#4 – Making Out With Jessica Simpson
If that picture is any indication, making out with Jessica Simpson is not unlike humping a melon or jerking off with a piece of warm, damp bread. It’s like the real thing, only nothing like the real thing. You have to expect the unexpected. If you move in, she may see a bird and dart to the side, leaving you tongue-deep in her ear. Don’t let that dissuade you, it’s probably how she’s been her whole life and, indeed, it may be what she figures passes for normal.
If you get full on lip, it’s possible she’ll be in one of those dreamy states where you think a thing is happening but it isn’t. Remember when you were a kid and you dreamt you were swimming and had to pee, then you woke up and realized you peed the bed? If this picture is any indication, Jessica Simpson exists in a perpetual state of that. Frankly, you’ll be lucky if she’s in the same room with you when the making out happens. It’s the best you’re going to get though, so be happy with it and enjoy.