This weekend, Twilight made over 70 million dollars at the box office. Teen films frequently clean up and because we care about you the reader, we're going to show you how to make your own 100 million dollar teen movie.
Step 1: Put an effeminate looking attractive teen guy in it.
You don't want Vin Deisel here, you want the guy to look like a total pussy. Before you select your leading man, look at his picture and ask yourself, "could I see this guy crying about some really dumb shit in a montage set to the pussiest of Snow Patrol songs? Does his likeness alone make me want to kick the ever loving shit out of him even though to this point in my life, I'm not, and have never been, prone to physical violence?" The answer to all three of those questions should be yes.
Step 2. Endow the effeminate looking hot dude with magical powers and/or the ability to sing.
If you choose to give him a magical power, make sure that even though his magical power is pretty much universally awesome, it somehow makes him an outcast and causes people to tell his love interest to "stay away from that freak." Also be sure to make his magical power something that allows him to fight bullies as well as create a romantic scenario. For instance, if he's invisible he can make bullies look foolish as well as stroke the face of his love interest when she's in emotional pain, without her ever knowing he's there, as he's an "invisible freak" and can't show his face. If you give him singing abilities, make sure he can also dance. Don't worry about him coming off as a homosexual, there's no such thing as homosexuals in these movies, so feel free to gay away.
3. Set The Location In A High School
High School sucks, especially for the kids who pay to see movies like these. Unfortunately, when someone steals their lunch and calls them a "smelly douche," there's not much they can do about it. But your character has magical powers and or the ability to sing, meaning when he encounters the person who calls him a smelly douche, he can fight them using his magical powers, or make them look ridiculous by singing an incredibly poignant song that causes students around him to suddenly perform choreographed dances.
4. Make sure NO ONE in the movie understands the love between the magical effeminate lead guy, and the girl he's in love with.
This is the most important one. If the love they share is celebrated and understood, then that means they're just the same as the really popular kids in real life that make fun of the kids who are going to see your movie. And nothing kills box office numbers like reminding someone they're a nerd. Therefore, just take every character in the movie that isn't the magical femme dude or the girl who loves him, and have them openly try to stop those characters from being together. Also, it's important to add that when other characters try and stop their love, that they rejoice together in their attempts by laughing and pointing and giving each other hi fives. These are common things that take no dialogue but are effective in furthering the angsty feelings the characters share with the viewer.
Now that you've completed these steps, just go to your local movie studios and plop the script on their door step. You've got yourself a hit!
You have a girlfriend? That is so fucking gay! And your penis goes in her vagina? What a homo! I'll bet you get lots of blow-jobs from this girl, too, don't you, lady-boy? And companionship? And I'll bet it's nice to have a girl even want to see a movie with you, isn't it? And you call yourself a MAN!
If a chick made me watch this, I should be able to force her to watch porn of Bea Arthur and Don Zimmer (set in a baby oil factory with Yasmine Bleethe when she was still hot, of course).
okay
well i guess you should be jealous since all the girls are going after robert pattinson instead of you!
umm, and twilight was not a musical so before you start hating on things better that you, get your facts straight!!
ohh and
do not hate the movie because your girlfriend left you because, well, obvisouly, your no edward cullen/robert pattinson.
hes making fun Twilight and High School Musical you Twit! If you can't understand whats going on stick your head back in that God Awful Stephanie Meyer Book.
Shut the fuck up, you stupid cunt. You're just a fat bitch who enjoys masturbating to pictures of metrosexual teenagers. Do everyone a favor and kill yourself. No one will care or notice you're gone.
Hmmm... it's almost as if the writer of this article took two crappy teen movies and combined them to make fun of BOTH of them at the same time!
I can see how that might get a little complicated for someone under the age of 14 (though I'd like to think I was a LITTLE smarter than that at the time).
The only girls who would dump their boyfriends for an actor they'll never meet (or get to talk to for that matter) are girls who don't HAVE boyfriends.
Yep. This is pretty much right on.
Fuck this movie.
Fuck the actors.
Fuck HSM 1,2,3.
I hate how people confuse "god-awful-time-wasting-piece-of-shit" with "new, exciting love story! With VAMPIRES!!"
Yeah hate to say but your right. If you want to make a sure hit gotta have a love interest between a young couple who can sing. And it don't hurt if the leading guy may look a little gay like Zac Efron. And you have to appeal to a younger audience cause they don't know what a good movie is. Basically follow what Disney is doing.
Why can't you immature little boys talk about anything but being gay?? Must mean you all are really just in denial of your homosexuality. I mean, you ARE talking about Twilight here... It's ok guys, come out of the closet. You'll feel much better.
In reference to the movie, it was ok. Better than I thought it would be, really. It is however, just another teenybopper movie that didn't make much sense... They're just now trying to make these movies cool by adding vampires. Too bad it didn't work.
I agree. Lestat could destroy Edward Cullen with his pinky finger. Rock on.
You guys all have your asses on backwards, wont you read the books first before debating weather anyone is gay in it and then you'll know exactly why robert is the perfect guy to play edward..
I totally agree with you! Everyone has their own opinions about things and even if you dont like it that doesnt mean you should go talk shit about them.....
Please tell me why you would degrade something you know nothing about. Ask your self why you even picked this topic to write about. If you think that Robert is gay b/c he took a chance and went with the movie, if u think the movies sucked b/c the vampries sparked, and if u think any movie that angled towards younge females. Then your stupid. Because A you shouldnt have went to see a movie based on a book that you havent taken the time to read. B if you a dumb ass guy who is calling a male actor gay its only b/c he looks better then you. And your truly hiding in the closet behind the fur coats and need to come out. You may not have liked it. But that doesnt mean u have to degrade the actors, or writer, or the director. If you think you can do a better job. Lets see you write a noval, that can be read a million times by younge teenage girls and have them still not get enough. Lets see you get on cam, and work ur ass off all damn day for someone elses enjoyment. Lets see you have to go threw dumb ass people like you, who degrade everything you have done. Then you can come back and say that Twilight was a dumb movie. Dont hate until you know what it takes.
-Jessica- 17 1/2 feamail USA VA.
God Liam dont be such an ass.
Agree with what you said Jessica, although i didnt like the movie, but im not going around saying anyone was gay, god, what a bunch of ass-hats
yall r all bitches!
if u read tha book then u wud understand how great itactually is but ur not intellectual enough 2 understand tha freakin storylinbe u stupid pricks
i mean how pathetic er u if u cant understand wats goin on
i loved it 5 star rating
have a problem w/it talk 2 me
its kinda romeo & juliet
& i love romeo& juliet
First off, anyone writing a comment about intelligence should spell everything correctly before complaining. Secondly, this is posted as a joke. Ie: It's suppose to be funny to most people. I, personally, loved the Twilight book series and the movie was decent, but I still found humor in this because that's what it was created for. Please, stop ragging on things for making fun of some of the aspects of any movie and learn to take a joke.
omg! finally someone who understands the purpose of these things!! i am in love with the twilight saga, so much that when i finsihed the series i re-read them! yet, i still found this quite funny, and true. The movie was decent, like said before, but it did not live up to the book, and it was a little hard to understand if you hadnt yet read the book. So once again, this was intended to be funny, posted as a joke. if you didnt like it then tough sh*t, thats not gonna change anything.
FUCK YOU!!!TWilight ROCXZ!!& YOURE JUST SOME DUMB ASS KIDS WHO HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO tHEN BE DIPSHITS.sO YOU CAN FUCK OFF.!!ANY TRY TO GET A LIFE.REALIZE THIS ISN'T FUNNY.THEY CAN SUE YOU IF THE WANTED YOU KNOW.SO WHY DONT YOU THINK ABOUT THAT.BEFORE YOU DO SOMETHING ELSE EDIOTIC!!
OMG, I loved this.
I laughed so hard after reading this.
I'm a fan of the Twilight book.
I do not care what others think, the movie did NOT do it justice.
You put into words what no one else is willing to say.
OMG, you guys rock my socks off!!
I do love Twilight.
I absoulutley ADORE to books.
I do find that they could've done better with the Movie.
But that's just my opinion. :)
This at first was making me mad. But now that I think about it. It's freaking halerious. ;)
I also totally agree and im a huge fan.....i have read all of the books and thought they were the BOMB! The movie was awesome also i mean in my opinion they could have done better but i loved it....They picked out the right characters and everything!
that has got to be the most retarded thing i've ever read.
i love the books, the movie did not show how amazing the books were. read the books, i promise you'll love them.
it'll make you regret writing this.
(70 Comments)
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Holy Taco Goes to the Bahamas
November 24th, 2008 at 07:45 pm
did she give you your balls back after the movie or is she now wearing them
November 24th, 2008 at 11:53 pm
Don't spoil that for me bro... I'm only on the second DVD.
November 25th, 2008 at 06:43 am
'girlfriend' is what he calls his friend Bill
November 25th, 2008 at 02:55 pm
she gave em back, i needed them for later
November 25th, 2008 at 03:02 pm
for not liking a shitty movie im gay?
November 25th, 2008 at 05:27 pm
No, you're gay because you allowed your girl/boyfriend to drag you to one of the worst movies in recent history.
November 25th, 2008 at 07:03 pm
tht would make more sense. i wouldnt call it one of the worst, just the worst.
November 26th, 2008 at 06:21 am
You have a girlfriend? That is so fucking gay! And your penis goes in her vagina? What a homo! I'll bet you get lots of blow-jobs from this girl, too, don't you, lady-boy? And companionship? And I'll bet it's nice to have a girl even want to see a movie with you, isn't it? And you call yourself a MAN!
November 26th, 2008 at 07:03 am
lol
November 24th, 2008 at 05:48 pm
this is so true! first! My girlfriend forced me to see this claiming it wold be amazing and it made no fucking sense!
November 24th, 2008 at 06:03 pm
tips to improve upon the story line:
1) Make sure there are plenty of MILFs that want gay-boy
November 24th, 2008 at 11:37 pm
was this before or after she made you tuck your sack back?
November 24th, 2008 at 11:31 pm
was this before or after she made you tuck your sack back?
November 24th, 2008 at 11:41 pm
If a chick made me watch this, I should be able to force her to watch porn of Bea Arthur and Don Zimmer (set in a baby oil factory with Yasmine Bleethe when she was still hot, of course).
November 27th, 2008 at 02:44 pm
am I allowed to say rape on here?
December 28th, 2008 at 04:43 am
oh yes, oh god YES!
rebecca, shut up.
try to defend twilight, will you!
December 21st, 2008 at 04:45 pm
okay
well i guess you should be jealous since all the girls are going after robert pattinson instead of you!
umm, and twilight was not a musical so before you start hating on things better that you, get your facts straight!!
ohh and
do not hate the movie because your girlfriend left you because, well, obvisouly, your no edward cullen/robert pattinson.
(:
December 27th, 2008 at 09:05 pm
hes making fun Twilight and High School Musical you Twit! If you can't understand whats going on stick your head back in that God Awful Stephanie Meyer Book.
Lestat would so kick edward cullen's ass.
January 4th, 2009 at 02:31 pm
@Rebecca
Shut the fuck up, you stupid cunt. You're just a fat bitch who enjoys masturbating to pictures of metrosexual teenagers. Do everyone a favor and kill yourself. No one will care or notice you're gone.
October 5th, 2009 at 08:02 pm
I wish there was a "thumbs up" or "like" button on here. BECAUSE YOU AND YOUR COMMENT ARE FUCKING AWESOME
December 23rd, 2008 at 11:59 am
Hmmm... it's almost as if the writer of this article took two crappy teen movies and combined them to make fun of BOTH of them at the same time!
I can see how that might get a little complicated for someone under the age of 14 (though I'd like to think I was a LITTLE smarter than that at the time).
The only girls who would dump their boyfriends for an actor they'll never meet (or get to talk to for that matter) are girls who don't HAVE boyfriends.
Or idiots.
December 27th, 2008 at 10:17 am
Yep. This is pretty much right on.
Fuck this movie.
Fuck the actors.
Fuck HSM 1,2,3.
I hate how people confuse "god-awful-time-wasting-piece-of-shit" with "new, exciting love story! With VAMPIRES!!"
Two words:
Vampire.
Baseball.
Game, blouses.
December 27th, 2008 at 02:11 pm
Yeah hate to say but your right. If you want to make a sure hit gotta have a love interest between a young couple who can sing. And it don't hurt if the leading guy may look a little gay like Zac Efron. And you have to appeal to a younger audience cause they don't know what a good movie is. Basically follow what Disney is doing.
January 3rd, 2009 at 01:37 pm
Pedobear is a amused.
March 24th, 2009 at 01:02 am
spider ice cream agrees also
January 7th, 2009 at 09:52 am
Wow... You guys are retarded.
Why can't you immature little boys talk about anything but being gay?? Must mean you all are really just in denial of your homosexuality. I mean, you ARE talking about Twilight here... It's ok guys, come out of the closet. You'll feel much better.
In reference to the movie, it was ok. Better than I thought it would be, really. It is however, just another teenybopper movie that didn't make much sense... They're just now trying to make these movies cool by adding vampires. Too bad it didn't work.
I agree. Lestat could destroy Edward Cullen with his pinky finger. Rock on.
January 13th, 2009 at 03:05 pm
you're gay
March 12th, 2009 at 04:16 pm
Right, you actually saw this crap at the movies, AND LIKED IT, yet you call us gay? Go fuck yourself faggot.
March 16th, 2009 at 03:24 am
buy wow gold
May 1st, 2009 at 06:22 pm
You guys all have your asses on backwards, wont you read the books first before debating weather anyone is gay in it and then you'll know exactly why robert is the perfect guy to play edward..
May 2nd, 2009 at 11:06 am
I AGREE WITH EVERYTHING SAID
August 3rd, 2009 at 01:15 pm
I totally agree with you! Everyone has their own opinions about things and even if you dont like it that doesnt mean you should go talk shit about them.....
May 4th, 2009 at 01:00 pm
Please tell me why you would degrade something you know nothing about. Ask your self why you even picked this topic to write about. If you think that Robert is gay b/c he took a chance and went with the movie, if u think the movies sucked b/c the vampries sparked, and if u think any movie that angled towards younge females. Then your stupid. Because A you shouldnt have went to see a movie based on a book that you havent taken the time to read. B if you a dumb ass guy who is calling a male actor gay its only b/c he looks better then you. And your truly hiding in the closet behind the fur coats and need to come out. You may not have liked it. But that doesnt mean u have to degrade the actors, or writer, or the director. If you think you can do a better job. Lets see you write a noval, that can be read a million times by younge teenage girls and have them still not get enough. Lets see you get on cam, and work ur ass off all damn day for someone elses enjoyment. Lets see you have to go threw dumb ass people like you, who degrade everything you have done. Then you can come back and say that Twilight was a dumb movie. Dont hate until you know what it takes.
-Jessica- 17 1/2 feamail USA VA.
May 26th, 2009 at 04:34 pm
Feamail? Fuck you.
Peace out.
August 3rd, 2009 at 08:08 pm
God Liam dont be such an ass.
Agree with what you said Jessica, although i didnt like the movie, but im not going around saying anyone was gay, god, what a bunch of ass-hats
May 4th, 2009 at 02:51 pm
yall r all bitches!
if u read tha book then u wud understand how great itactually is but ur not intellectual enough 2 understand tha freakin storylinbe u stupid pricks
i mean how pathetic er u if u cant understand wats goin on
i loved it 5 star rating
have a problem w/it talk 2 me
its kinda romeo & juliet
& i love romeo& juliet
May 4th, 2009 at 03:09 pm
First off, anyone writing a comment about intelligence should spell everything correctly before complaining. Secondly, this is posted as a joke. Ie: It's suppose to be funny to most people. I, personally, loved the Twilight book series and the movie was decent, but I still found humor in this because that's what it was created for. Please, stop ragging on things for making fun of some of the aspects of any movie and learn to take a joke.
May 5th, 2009 at 03:29 pm
omg! finally someone who understands the purpose of these things!! i am in love with the twilight saga, so much that when i finsihed the series i re-read them! yet, i still found this quite funny, and true. The movie was decent, like said before, but it did not live up to the book, and it was a little hard to understand if you hadnt yet read the book. So once again, this was intended to be funny, posted as a joke. if you didnt like it then tough sh*t, thats not gonna change anything.
July 8th, 2009 at 06:20 pm
first off this is for whomever to put their COMMENTS .! so if u dnt like it suck a fat one and mind ur own god damn buisness
May 4th, 2009 at 04:59 pm
Leave the movie, Cast, and Crew alone they didn't do anything to you guys
May 4th, 2009 at 05:28 pm
FUCK YOU!!!TWilight ROCXZ!!& YOURE JUST SOME DUMB ASS KIDS WHO HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO tHEN BE DIPSHITS.sO YOU CAN FUCK OFF.!!ANY TRY TO GET A LIFE.REALIZE THIS ISN'T FUNNY.THEY CAN SUE YOU IF THE WANTED YOU KNOW.SO WHY DONT YOU THINK ABOUT THAT.BEFORE YOU DO SOMETHING ELSE EDIOTIC!!
May 4th, 2009 at 11:00 pm
OMG, I loved this.
I laughed so hard after reading this.
I'm a fan of the Twilight book.
I do not care what others think, the movie did NOT do it justice.
You put into words what no one else is willing to say.
OMG, you guys rock my socks off!!
:]
May 8th, 2009 at 01:35 pm
I do love Twilight.
I absoulutley ADORE to books.
I do find that they could've done better with the Movie.
But that's just my opinion. :)
This at first was making me mad. But now that I think about it. It's freaking halerious. ;)
July 8th, 2009 at 12:55 pm
i totally agree with u cuz im a twilight fan 2! :D
but this s funny!
August 3rd, 2009 at 01:27 pm
I also totally agree and im a huge fan.....i have read all of the books and thought they were the BOMB! The movie was awesome also i mean in my opinion they could have done better but i loved it....They picked out the right characters and everything!
May 13th, 2009 at 04:38 pm
Gee, it sure is 13-years-old around here.
I mean the comments. The article is kickass.
June 3rd, 2009 at 01:41 pm
funniest damn thing ive read all day, props to the writers :D
July 8th, 2009 at 03:39 pm
the books were good shit people its just a joke.....get a life
July 8th, 2009 at 08:09 pm
that has got to be the most retarded thing i've ever read.
i love the books, the movie did not show how amazing the books were. read the books, i promise you'll love them.
it'll make you regret writing this.
July 8th, 2009 at 09:04 pm
ahaha.
and they said i would never be rich.
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