Money is big news. Unemployment, the 99%, shady business dealings, overpaid athletes, the world is enamored with money – who has it, who doesn’t and where it goes and how it gets there. It’s wonderful. Oh, plus one time, I found $5 right on the sidewalk. It was awesome. I bought a Coke and then I think I lost the rest.
Anyway, if you’re one of those people who’s destined to be rich but lacks the talent, skill or drive to do anything to get you there, maybe you don’t need to do anything more than continue to exist. Turns out, you can harvest a decent chunk of change right from your own body.
Urine – $39.95 per clean sample
Up until now you probably thought your pee had no purpose beyond peeing figure 8s in the toilet, writing your name in the snow, trying to cut floating pieces of toilet paper in half with the stream, pretending your wang is a gun and firing off rounds and as a European porn prop. But there’s so much more!
As some of you who used to work in our office know, urine can also be your enemy when it tells employers that you’ve been abusing various natural and unnatural substances. What’s a bladder to do? The answer is to sell clean urine to your dirty friends! There’s actually a website called Perfect Urine, which is just so internet it boggles the mind, that will sell you clean urine with which to pass drug tests. For only $40 you can buy some drug free pee and amaze your bosses while continuing to recklessly abuse drugs! For $100 they’ll include a realistic fake weiner in case your boss watches you pee, which is apparently something they do.
Where does the pee come from? I dunno, email the company. If they sell it for $40, you’d think maybe you could get a job as a supplier for $10 or $15 a squirt.
Plasma – $65 a week
Turns out people don’t actually pay you to donate blood. In fact, the FDA says you can’t use blood that has been paid for in transfusions because of some zany belief that if you start paying for blood you’re going to get a lot of shady junkies with dirty blood. However, you can pay for plasma, and companies do because you can use it to make crafts and such.
If you head over to biolifeplasma, you can make around $65 a week for plasma if you make donations twice a week. Some of that depends on where you live, of course, as we like to think plasma from Idaho just isn’t worth that much. You know why, Idaho. You know why.
Sperm – $100 a smile
Donating plasma isn’t for everything, and it involves at least one new hole in your body, and who wants that shit? Best to use a hole you have already for fun and profit, and donate sperm! Indeed, the age old easy man’s money method of striking it rich can pay you up to $100 a donation. Now some of us could probably argue that we can make $500 a day off of this and are now set for life, but most sperm banks don’t want hairy palm babies and probably won’t let you donate that much. Still, $100 for ensuring you have a clean sweat sock at home ain’t bad.
Eggs – up to $10,000
After the guys stop high fiving each other about all that easy money they just made for a wank, the ladies can give themselves a fist bump for their eggs, which put sperm to shame in terms of monetary value. Those eggs, which your body spits out on pretty regular basis, can net you up to $10,000. That’s a metric shit ton of cash.
What does anyone want with lady eggs? Research, sciencey crap, fertilization type business, creepy collections, all sorts of things. The process is obviously a little more involved than donating sperm, but the fact you could buy a car in the same amount of time a dude could buy a new TV means it might be worth your effort. You know, if you’re the sort of person who wants to sell their eggs.
Hair – $10/ounce
If you caught Chris Rock’s documentary Good Hair, you were blown away to learn people actually pay for other people’s skuzzy old hair. Of course there are certain charities that will accept donated hair to help make wigs for cancer patients and that’s quite nice, but other people just want weaves and will pay about $10 an ounce for your hair. How much hair is that? I couldn’t guess. But who knows, you could make like $50 and Nic Cage could make another movie. That’s not bad.
Kidney – $3400 in China
Enough of this nickel and dime shit, where’s the real money in your body? Unsurprisingly, it’s inside you. And it needs to be surgically removed. If you’re hardcore enough, willing to trust a criminal, and totally aware that you’re probably going to get ripped off and maybe die, you might want to sell your organs on the black market.
The world organ black market is massive $75 million dollar fiasco of danger, lies and desperation. In China some kid sold his kidney for enough cash to buy an iPad 2. In the US you can expect to get maybe $10,000 or more. But in any country you might also make the arrangement and then wake up after the procedure alone, potentially with an infected, poorly dressed wound, no kidney and no money. Who are you going to complain to? That’s right, no one, ya one-kidneyed sucker.