How My Boner Destroyed 6 Hollywood Starlets

In my formative years I spent a lot of time cultivating my future jaded persona and, towards that end, I opted to not date girls and, in fact, as a sort of madman’s game of psychological solitaire, I managed to persuade girls through non verbal signals to actually laugh at me when I brought the subject up.  I’m that dedicated to being an online comedian.  And to virginity.

Anyway, twas a time in my life when pop culture afforded me a number of unattainable yet gorgeous specimens of hotness.  These ladies were at the peak of their game and any lonely, desperately sad future online comedy writer would have given a foot to share a Mountain Dew with them.  And for whatever reason, after I noticed they were hot,  these broads became totally munted.  So I have to ask, what the hell happened?  Where did my boner go wrong?  When did it get such evil powers?  I can’t say.  Let’s investigate!

Christina Aguilera

When Xtina showed up, she didn’t spell her name with an X and she pretended to have clothes and non-whorish tendencies.  Remember Genie in a Bottle?  Sucked.  But she was all cutesy and Disney in it because that’s how you dupe the public into loving you.  Think about it, would you pick up that hitchhiker if he was already wielding the bloody axe at the side of the road?  No.  He needs to pull it out on the middle of the interstate when it’s too late for you to do anything but scream and drive into a cactus.  Back in the day any of us would have loved to drive into Christina’s cactus.

Enter the Boner: Once she was free to make a mockery of the trust she had engendered, Christina attempted to become the filthiest of all whores. I get the mixture of sexuality and music but the video for Dirrrty is legitimately unsanitary.  She skipped hotness and went right to Madonna.  It looks like she probably smelled like cured meat and socks in that video.

As time went on she tried to backtrack and get hold of some kind of middle ground but word is these days she bangs her boyfriend in the bathroom during family get togethers.  Who does that?  People who live in a double wide.  Plus she continues to wear fire engine red lipstick despite having the overall complexion of a window, making her look ever so slightly unwell yet still willing to poke you at all times.  Boner, what evil have you wrought?

Britney Spears

I was of an age when Hit Me Baby One More Time was released that it was not criminal of me to have nefarious Britney Spears related thoughts.  But I was also of an age to recognize that a girl being marketed as a virginal ex-Mousketeer who dances in a school girl outfit is a total crock of horseshit on any number of levels.

As Spears fame grew, so too did boners everywhere and the explicit lie that we were all taking part in; namely that Britney was not a filthy liar.  How long did she have her own boobs and remain a virgin?  People are gullible but not that gullible.  We just pretended like we cared enough to believe when really we just wanted her to put on a plaid skirt again.  Or I did anyway.  And you know, life was good for a while.

Enter the Boner: Until all the unseemly boners around the globe manifested themselves in the form of Kevin Federline.

I don’t care enough about the personal life of Britney Spears to say for sure if he was the shark jumping moment in her life, but he was certainly a big part of her descent from hot pop star to derange troll that haunts the trailer park’s horsehoe pit.  She went from being as hot as…well, Britney Spears, to some kind of John Madden-esque atrocity of erratic behavior.

Is she pulling her shit together now?  Who gives a damn, the boat not only sailed, it weighed anchor out in the middle of nowhere and capsized itself.

Lindsay Lohan

The first thing I ever saw Lindsay Lohan in was Mean Girls.  I remember her later on in an epic episode of Saturday Night Live.  I think there’s still GIFs of her out there dressed as Hermione while creepy Rachel Dratch does an offputitng Harry Potter.  Both of these performances cemented her as a hot red head who was not, and this is crucial to remember, a coked out scarecrow.

Enter the Boner: Listen, I am not aware of how a boner brings on coked out scarecrow syndrome, it’s not what I learned in health class but the fact is the train fell off the tracks somewhere, Lohan went blonde and scary and I can count her vertebrae even through a turtleneck at this point, which will likely soon be replaced with an orange jumpsuit.  I hope she doesn’t cut me if she ever reads this.

Anna Nicole Smith

Normally I wouldn’t speak ill of the dead but I can’t really take you on a guided tour of teenage boners without mentioning Anna Nicole Smith.  In 2011 that sounds terrible but 15 years ago it really made a lot of sense.  15 years ago she was both alive and relatively stable, mentally.  Stable enough that you’d stare at her guns, anyway.  If that sounds crass remember, you’re dealing with a sincere teenage boy here.

The first time anyone saw Anna Nicole Smith was either in a Guess jeans ad or in Playboy and in neither of these places was she high on ice cream or meth as she tended to be later in life.  She was hot.

Enter the Boner:  Bam, reality TV show and brisket.  After a string of terrible movies that no one watched for more than 10 minutes at a stretch when they couldn’t get the porn to come in clear enough between the wiggly lines, Anna Nicole opted to become a circus act by gaining and losing 200 lbs every few weeks or so, then going on awards shows more tanked than Danny DeVito.

Pam Anderson

Oh man, there was a time when people would likely have willingly touched Pam Anderson.  And if you think you still would, keep in mind she’s shared VD around with Tommy Lee and Kid Rock and probably a few other Kings of the Trailer Park we’re not even aware of.  But before we get to that remember, she was the reason anyone ever watched Baywatch.  Just kidding, Baywatch was for retards, but she was in Playboy a lot and that was cool.

Enter the Boner: Yeah, hepatitis.

Tara Reid

I remember the first time I saw American Pie and was enraged when that big dorkus spent the entire movie courting big head Mena Suvari, who looks like the bastard child of Mia Farrow and a snowglobe when Tara Reid was right there with that idiot kid who never made a movie after American Pie the whole time.

Tara Reid, in American Pie, the Big Lebowski and Van Wilder, and even Alone in the Dark, seems entirely clean and approachable and perky.  Like in the boobular area.  Wicked!  Things were good and there was reference to blowies and everything.

Enter the Boner:  Oh for God’s sake, really?  I get that Tara was party girl but you know what?  Never once, ever, when I was in college did I drink so much that I let a surgeon with the jitters cut my nipples.  I mean, why?  Why?

So really it was just a spiral of degradation after that.  She seemed almost like a real girl you could have boned at a party if she was half in the bag when she met you and you had some really funny stories to share but then, post-boner, she was like a bus stop person who offers to blow you for some cigarettes because she’s hungry.

They say twice is a coincidence and three times is enemy action so I’m forced to assume my boner declared jihad against these women shortly after discovering them.  Why would my erection engage in such wanton destruction?  I have no idea.  But the fact remains that all these women degraded into epic train wrecks only after I realized how hot they were.  Science is behind me on this.  Scientific science.  Of boners.