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How Not to Rob a Bank

The man behind Zombieland is back with a new heist movie 30 Minutes or Less that stars Danny McBride, Nick Swardson and Jesse Eisenberg, so it’s a decent bet the movie is going to be pretty kick ass. And while putting together a hilarious bank robbery for a movie is one thing, there’s plenty of inspiration to be drawn from real life. But more interesting than successful bank robberies are those that are completely inept. In honor of those, we offer some advice on what not to do, should you ever find yourself forced to rob a bank (try to avoid robbing banks though, it’s very illegal)

Do Not Use a Hatchet

Straight out of China comes a robber with +15 to stamina but -20 to intelligence. This video is about 30 times longer than a video on the internet has a right to be, but it’s worth watching just to appreciate how stupid this guy must have been. He hacks at that window with a hatchet all while watching the bank employees first panic, then call police, then escape. Why does he keep doing it? Why?

If you’re going to rob a bank, be aware that if you can see employees calling for help, help is likely to be coming. Do not continue your impotent assault on some bullet-proof structure and consider leaving in a timely manner. These can’t be all day events.

Do Note Put Your Name on the Note

The reason crimes are crimes is because, generally, they’re bad. You’re not supposed to do them. And if you do pull one off, you’re probably wanting to get away with it. And that means not letting people know you did it. The best way, and there are many ways, to do this is to not tell the victims of your crime what your name is. Despite that, at least one bank robber had the politeness to write his demands on a note that started with an introduction, so as not to be rude when demanding the money.

If you’re going to rob the bank, it’s OK to eschew social niceties such as introducing yourself.

Do Not Leave Your ID

Supposing you slip up and blurt out your name while robbing the bank, there’s always the slim chance that everyone will forget in all the chaos. It’s a high stress situation, it’s hard to concentrate, you tell them your name is John Johnson and maybe they think you said you’ll shoot them in the jejunum if they don’t cooperate. But there’s little chance of them not figuring out who you are if you actually leave your ID at the scene, like this guy did. And this one. And this one. And this one.

Just to be on the safe side, if you’re robbing a bank, leave your ID in your wallet. Or hey, maybe at home. Driving without a license is the least of your worries right now.

Do Not Call Your Robbery In

We live in a fairly lazy and entitled society. There’s a machine you can buy that will pet your pets for you, if you can’t be bothered to engage in any form of movement to so much as acknowledge a living creature that depends on you to live. Still, when you’re motivated to do something (like robbing a bank) you need to put that lazy ass attitude behind you. If you don’t, you may start thinking it’s a good idea to call the bank ahead of time and ask them to get your money ready for the robbery you plan on committing shortly, so as you don’t have to wait around too long. If you do that, the police will be waiting for you. We can’t stress that enough. They will be waiting.

A good rule of thumb for bank robbery is to just rob the bank when you get there. Pre arranging these things never works out.

Do Not Rob the Bank if a Cop is There

Much the same as you shouldn’t order food at a restaurant if you see raccoons in the kitchen, or try to pick up a girl while she’s picking up her herpes medication at the pharmacy, so to should you not rob a bank while a cop is in the bank. In uniform. Right next to you. Undercover officers can be a tricky proposition and even the best of us could fall victim to a dude in normal clothes who just turns out to be a cop, but when he’s wearing blue and has the badge on and all that, you should just turn around and walk out.

When it comes time to rob a bank, make sure people who are trained to either subdue or kill you with the firearm they have on them at that very moment are not within spitting distance.

Do Not Remove Disguise when Asked

A good accessory for any bank robbery is a disguise. Remember Point Break? That movie sucked. But Patrick Swayze wore a Ronald Reagan mask. Ha ha! Classic! You could do that too or take the lazy road many do and just put a hood on to slightly obscure your features. Banks are aware that robbers try to do this, but even if they ask nicely for you to remove your disguise, you really shouldn’t – it’s a trick. When you remove your disguise, they can see you. Keep that in mind.

Once you’re in the bank, commit to your disguise. When you take off your disguise, statistics show that you will be 100% not disguised and thus fairly easily identifiable.

One Response to "How Not to Rob a Bank"

  1. DonkeyXote says:

    My mates and I are gonna rob a sperm bank and sell the merchandise as yogurt in the black market.