As you may have noticed, Craigslist recently abolished their "Erotic Services" section. Don't worry, though: the Sex-for-Money business will always persevere, even if it means that we have to revert back to the ancient way of doing things, the way that our fathers and our fathers' fathers did it, by utilizing a resource that has always been there for us: the phonebook.
It's important to use caution when proceeding with a phonebook hooker, to avoid getting ripped off, robbed, beaten, or even killed in your own home with your pants around your ankles. However, by following these simple steps, you to can safely and easily access the calloused touch of a lady of the night.
STEP 1: Be Drunk
There's a good chance that if you've made the decision to call a hooker from a phonebook, you're probably extremely drunk. If you're not, then you should quickly drink as much as is humanly possible, and don't stop until your doorbell rings. This is going to make the ensuing sh*t storm easier to weather, and it's going to greatly assist your ability to find the troglodyte that limps into your apartment jst bearable enough to tolerate, because she's going to look like something that Rob Zombie drew on a Denny's napkin.
STEP 2: Know Where to Look
The phonebook is full of numbers, most of which do not lead to prostitutes. Believe me: I probably dialed every "Hooker" in the White Pages before I figured out that it was just someone's unfortunate last name. In order to find an actual prostitute, you'll have to turn to the Yellow Pages. Don't waste your time checking the H's for "Hooker", or even the P's for "Prostitute". Just flip to E, for "Escort". You'll find at least two full pages of phone numbers here. You've already decided to play STD Roulette, so deciding which particular service you contract that STD from is as easy as drunkenly pointing to the least blurry number on the page. Once you've dialed the number, try to be coherent enough to slur out your address and phone number. There's no need to speak in Navajo code like a Wind Talker or anything. The person on the other end knows exactly what you're calling for.
STEP 3: Don't Be Fooled by the Allure of a Threesome
After you've called "dispatch", you'll be instructed to wait for your hooker to call you back, because she currently has some dude's penis in her mouth. After she swallows, she'll call you from a blocked number. This is where things start to get a little tricky. She's going to explain that she has a friend with her, and that the both want to come over. This will sound like the best friggin' news you've ever heard, but you must not fall for this trap, because instead of one out of shape, ratty-looking, urinal-scented hooker walking into your house, two out of shape, ratty-looking, urinal-scented hookers will show up, and then you'll have to pay both of them to walk around and look through your cabinets for an hour.
STEP 4: Wear Pants When You Answer the Door
Hookers take about as long as a pizza takes to arrive at your door. In fact, if you don't mind sharing a pizza with a hooker, a fun game is to order both at the same time and see which one arrives first (Hint: you're always happier about the pizza). You'll be tempted to come to the door naked, to let the hooker know that you're ready. Reconsider this. Nothing will vanquish a boner faster than the terrifying Samoan pimp who's staring down at you when you open the door. Try not to start crying, because he's only there to let you know that he will stab you in the face if you don't pay him, but he also wants you to "have a good time, bra."
STEP 5: Have Plenty of Cash
I cannot stress this point enough: cash is the only reason that hookers and pimps are there to see you. They do not take checks, they hate being asked if they take checks, and they will be very unhappy if they discover that you don't have any cash on you. If you find yourself in this situation, your immediate future looks pretty dismal: you're drunk, unable to drive, and now you're being inundated with threats from the Samoan pimp who's been summoned back into your living room, backed by an endless chorus of "hell naw"'s and "Nuh-Uh"'s from the hookers flanking him. This is bad news. If you find yourself in this situation, you've got a few options:
1) Drive drunk to the nearest ATM, risk getting a DUI, and leave the pimp and hookers at your house to steal all of your belongings.
2) Tell them to get the f*ck out of your house, then get promptly stabbed in the face.
3) Have the pimp and the two hookers drive you to the nearest ATM.
I think it's obvious what your choice should be. The drive to the ATM will be pleasant, but it will most certainly kill the mood.
STEP 6: Know What You're Paying For
Don't be afraid to go over exactly what your money is going to get you. After all, this is a business transaction. You wouldn't go to Arby's and just hand them a wad of cash without knowing for sure that you're getting a Big Montana. Giving all of your cash to the hookers without clarifying what you'll get in return is an excellent way to end up sitting naked, spread eagle on your couch, awkwardly masturbating in front of them as they lazily "dance" to imaginary music, fully clothed, texting on their sidekicks until your time is up. Sure, it might seem like fun, but the only thing worse than getting scammed by two hookers is getting scammed by two hookers and then shamefully blowing a load in front of them. Trust me, I know.
thanks for the insight, holytaco. Hum.. I think i'll just opt for the pizza.
my friend had a very similar experience at a bachelor party where he was the best man. They had rented a house somewhere near monterrey and festivities had ended - the groom was passed out, he was passed out.
suddenly he was woken by an angry fellow that he did not recognize. he wanted money. beside him stood one of the groomsmen, looking startled. After a few inquiries, he found out that the non-unconscious groomsmen had not been satisfied with the plain vanilla stripper at the bachelor romp, and had ordered a couple of prostitutes. Well, they had actually ordered one, but they fell for step 3 outlined in your excellent guide.
Now, it turned out they had also failed step 5 in your guide, and now there was an angry black man wanting money breathing in my half-awake friend's face.
My friend ended up paying the pimp his money, and his groomsmen friends ended up with STDs. When the groom later awoke, he was told about the calamity that had ensued and made them all swear on the virginity of their buttholes that none of what had transpired would be relayed to the bride-to-be.
this, of course, was a lofty request but being the gentlemen they were a promise was a promise, and all seemed well. Until the groom realized that the prostitutes had eloped with his wallet, containing various credit cards.
i'll spare you the raging bitch fest that was the aftermath of their trip, but the brief is that the marriage and a number of friendships were called off by an unreasonable bride.
Let me get this right you got a ride with a hooker and her pimp to an ATM to pay her or him rather. I would love to know how you ended up in a predicament like that. I've had quite a few london escorts and always make sure to use nothing but the best services that are reputable without having to worry about a pimp plus they take visa haha.
Just a question, but is it a faux pas to request a hooker of a certain race? For instance, let's say you weren't particularly into black chicks, or maybe you had a special request. What's the book on this?
If you live near a casino, its easier to go there and "browse". It's this easy: Look EVERY girl in the eyes. Eventually one of them will catch, and they'll ask you if you are "looking for a good time". You'll then have the chance to look her up and down and decide if you are drunk enough to have sex with her. If not, either continue drinking, or continue shopping.
Vancouver Canada is the best place to use the phone book for hookers. I work in the Seattle area and have been there a few times on business trips. If you call from the room they have caller ID and already know what hotel you are at so no worry on giving an address or hotel name, just the room number. Takes about an hour for her to show up. At least with the asian escort services I have called they show up at your door alone and the bodyguard is either waiting on the street or leaves and comes back in about an hour. They will ask what age range you want and ethnicity. Since I have a thing for asian girls that is what I would go for, and the couple times I have been there and called they were very attractive! So no worry on a street walking crackhead hooker with no teeth.
phone book hookers?! hahaha!! this was pretty funny. we actually go through this sometimes but we don't look for hookers but models instead. and so far so good we've actually got some really attractive models. actually i got this gig the same way!!
Or, you know, you could just, like ... polish your appearance, lose some LBs, develop some social skills and *GASP* maybe even, like ... TALK to a real live woman or something!
I can no longer afford this way of meeting whores. Polishing my appearance or not, meeting filthy whores in bars, churches, and j date costs too much and takes more time than I am willing to invest in a deep meaningful nut-blast. I'll stick to paying. You know what they say....whores is whores.
I Cant belive i read all this while thinking i might want to order a hooker. lol. thanks for all the great advice and such but danm, i would rather jack off and be alone than go thru all the bullshit and drama that hookers bring. lol. thanks again for the entertainment
(43 Comments)
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Holy Taco Goes to the Bahamas
June 2nd, 2009 at 02:46 pm
If only you would have posted this important information before last Saturday night...
November 4th, 2009 at 10:32 pm
i have cash looking for some young hot pussy
November 4th, 2009 at 10:38 pm
just looking for a good time not a freak
June 2nd, 2009 at 02:51 pm
Got it, black hookers = no good. Please do one about asian hookers next.
June 3rd, 2009 at 04:37 am
I'll save everybody the trouble: 98.3% of all Asian hookers are guys. The other 1.7%, you can't afford.
November 4th, 2009 at 10:40 pm
is there a women or not
June 2nd, 2009 at 02:57 pm
I prefer the "Every girl is a hooker hooker."
1. Buy a cheap suit that looks really nice. Put an armani tag in it or something.
2. Rent some sort of convertible or hummer
3. Take out about 500 dollars in cash all in ones so that you can break out a massive was.
4. Wear some sort of golden or fake diamond looking something.
5. Bring an ID that says you are a doctor
6. Find the dumbest/hottest girl in the room.
7. Introduce yourself as a some sort of doctor that helps children
8. Offer to buy her a drink. Whip out cash.
9. After a few drinks take her to see your rental car pretend it's brand new due to your new promotion.
10. Lie about an upcoming vacation to hawaii.
11. Bang chick in back alley take cab home. If she vandalizes your car hopefully you bought the insurance.
June 3rd, 2009 at 09:12 am
In Engrish, 'was' is not a noun.
June 3rd, 2009 at 01:08 pm
wtf? you don't leave the house much, do you...
November 4th, 2009 at 10:34 pm
no i dont my wife is gone looking for a good time
June 2nd, 2009 at 04:20 pm
Get Noah to order a hooker. Post the ensuing hilarity.
June 2nd, 2009 at 05:28 pm
Best idea I've heard in a long time.
June 3rd, 2009 at 05:46 am
Fuck yea !!! Step up and take another one for the team.
Noah, Noah, NOAH !!!
June 3rd, 2009 at 05:50 am
Yeah! I'm with these guys, give him a low, a medium and a high price budget to follow on different nights.
June 3rd, 2009 at 07:53 am
Noah Limits baby!
June 3rd, 2009 at 09:10 am
Yes, do it do it!
June 2nd, 2009 at 04:41 pm
thanks for the insight, holytaco. Hum.. I think i'll just opt for the pizza.
my friend had a very similar experience at a bachelor party where he was the best man. They had rented a house somewhere near monterrey and festivities had ended - the groom was passed out, he was passed out.
suddenly he was woken by an angry fellow that he did not recognize. he wanted money. beside him stood one of the groomsmen, looking startled. After a few inquiries, he found out that the non-unconscious groomsmen had not been satisfied with the plain vanilla stripper at the bachelor romp, and had ordered a couple of prostitutes. Well, they had actually ordered one, but they fell for step 3 outlined in your excellent guide.
Now, it turned out they had also failed step 5 in your guide, and now there was an angry black man wanting money breathing in my half-awake friend's face.
My friend ended up paying the pimp his money, and his groomsmen friends ended up with STDs. When the groom later awoke, he was told about the calamity that had ensued and made them all swear on the virginity of their buttholes that none of what had transpired would be relayed to the bride-to-be.
this, of course, was a lofty request but being the gentlemen they were a promise was a promise, and all seemed well. Until the groom realized that the prostitutes had eloped with his wallet, containing various credit cards.
i'll spare you the raging bitch fest that was the aftermath of their trip, but the brief is that the marriage and a number of friendships were called off by an unreasonable bride.
good times.
June 5th, 2009 at 11:51 am
hilarious
June 2nd, 2009 at 05:33 pm
They DID NOT get rid of erotic services they renamed it!
Christ do some research before you write something!!
Its now Adult Services
June 3rd, 2009 at 11:40 am
um...die, whoever wrote this.
June 2nd, 2009 at 06:06 pm
This couldn't be more right, I've had the expeirence of riding to an atm at 4 in the morning with a hooker and her pimp, not a fun ride
June 3rd, 2009 at 04:46 pm
next time make sure you have on hand: gun, meat cleaver and lots of plastic bags.
June 26th, 2009 at 10:46 am
Let me get this right you got a ride with a hooker and her pimp to an ATM to pay her or him rather. I would love to know how you ended up in a predicament like that. I've had quite a few london escorts and always make sure to use nothing but the best services that are reputable without having to worry about a pimp plus they take visa haha.
June 2nd, 2009 at 06:32 pm
YAY! Denver phone book, I knew I kept one for a reason!
June 2nd, 2009 at 07:24 pm
Just a question, but is it a faux pas to request a hooker of a certain race? For instance, let's say you weren't particularly into black chicks, or maybe you had a special request. What's the book on this?
June 2nd, 2009 at 07:28 pm
If you ask a hooker for a "Big Montana" it is also lovely!!
June 3rd, 2009 at 06:18 am
If you live near a casino, its easier to go there and "browse". It's this easy: Look EVERY girl in the eyes. Eventually one of them will catch, and they'll ask you if you are "looking for a good time". You'll then have the chance to look her up and down and decide if you are drunk enough to have sex with her. If not, either continue drinking, or continue shopping.
June 3rd, 2009 at 07:09 am
Vancouver Canada is the best place to use the phone book for hookers. I work in the Seattle area and have been there a few times on business trips. If you call from the room they have caller ID and already know what hotel you are at so no worry on giving an address or hotel name, just the room number. Takes about an hour for her to show up. At least with the asian escort services I have called they show up at your door alone and the bodyguard is either waiting on the street or leaves and comes back in about an hour. They will ask what age range you want and ethnicity. Since I have a thing for asian girls that is what I would go for, and the couple times I have been there and called they were very attractive! So no worry on a street walking crackhead hooker with no teeth.
June 3rd, 2009 at 07:56 am
Don't get caught out... Meet Horny Girls in your local area right now!
November 4th, 2009 at 10:46 pm
my phone number is 330-825-2052
June 3rd, 2009 at 08:06 am
ROAD TRIP!!! Thats fucking funny. oops i cant type swears to loud or my mom will get mad.
June 3rd, 2009 at 09:56 am
phone book hookers?! hahaha!! this was pretty funny. we actually go through this sometimes but we don't look for hookers but models instead. and so far so good we've actually got some really attractive models. actually i got this gig the same way!!
hahaha!
http://tinyurl.com/588taz
June 3rd, 2009 at 01:08 pm
Disgusting...
Electronic Cigarette
June 3rd, 2009 at 03:44 pm
Or, you know, you could just, like ... polish your appearance, lose some LBs, develop some social skills and *GASP* maybe even, like ... TALK to a real live woman or something!
June 3rd, 2009 at 04:51 pm
I can no longer afford this way of meeting whores. Polishing my appearance or not, meeting filthy whores in bars, churches, and j date costs too much and takes more time than I am willing to invest in a deep meaningful nut-blast. I'll stick to paying. You know what they say....whores is whores.
June 3rd, 2009 at 05:05 pm
OMG..those of you that think this was serious....get a life. If you're reading Holy Taco in the first place, you're looking for laughs.
Go back and thought police someone else.
OPIE AND ANTHONY ROCK!
June 5th, 2009 at 11:46 am
Opie and Anthony are the worst.
June 4th, 2009 at 04:53 pm
its like when your in the mood for smoked gouda but all you have is cheerios. just opt for the(cheaper) non-polarized pair.
June 6th, 2009 at 07:12 am
You can always resort to AFF. I mean of all people you guys have Noah on your side to filter through the decent hookers.
October 26th, 2009 at 08:09 pm
lol Yall got any chex mix Priceless!!!!
November 4th, 2009 at 10:44 pm
is there a women in clinton ohio
November 4th, 2009 at 10:49 pm
just looking for a women
December 3rd, 2009 at 09:15 am
I Cant belive i read all this while thinking i might want to order a hooker. lol. thanks for all the great advice and such but danm, i would rather jack off and be alone than go thru all the bullshit and drama that hookers bring. lol. thanks again for the entertainment
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