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How To Order a Phonebook Hooker


 
As you may have noticed, Craigslist recently abolished their "Erotic Services" section. Don’t worry, though: the Sex-for-Money business will always persevere, even if it means that we have to revert back to the ancient way of doing things, the way that our fathers and our fathers’ fathers did it, by utilizing a resource that has always been there for us: the phonebook. 
 
 
It’s important to use caution when proceeding with a phonebook hooker, to avoid getting ripped off, robbed, beaten, or even killed in your own home with your pants around your ankles.  However, by following these simple steps, you to can safely and easily access the calloused touch of a lady of the night.
 
STEP 1: Be Drunk
 
There’s a good chance that if you’ve made the decision to call a hooker from a phonebook, you’re probably extremely drunk.  If you’re not, then you should quickly drink as much as is humanly possible, and don’t stop until your doorbell rings.  This is going to make the ensuing sh*t storm easier to weather, and it’s going to greatly assist your ability to find the troglodyte that limps into your apartment jst bearable enough to tolerate, because she’s going to look like something that Rob Zombie drew on a Denny’s napkin.
 
 

 
 STEP 2: Know Where to Look
 
The phonebook is full of numbers, most of which do not lead to prostitutes.  Believe me: I probably dialed every "Hooker" in the White Pages before I figured out that it was just someone’s unfortunate last name.  In order to find an actual prostitute, you’ll have to turn to the Yellow Pages.  Don’t waste your time checking the H’s for "Hooker", or even the P’s for "Prostitute".  Just flip to E, for "Escort".  You’ll find at least two full pages of phone numbers here.  You’ve already decided to play STD Roulette, so deciding which particular service you contract that STD from is as easy as drunkenly pointing to the least blurry number on the page.  Once you’ve dialed the number, try to be coherent enough to slur out your address and phone number.  There’s no need to speak in Navajo code like a Wind Talker or anything.  The person on the other end knows exactly what you’re calling for.
 
 
STEP 3:  Don’t Be Fooled by the Allure of a Threesome
 
After you’ve called "dispatch", you’ll be instructed to wait for your hooker to call you back, because she currently has some dude’s penis in her mouth.  After she swallows, she’ll call you from a blocked number.  This is where things start to get a little tricky.  She’s going to explain that she has a friend with her, and that the both want to come over.  This will sound like the best friggin’ news you’ve ever heard, but you must not fall for this trap, because instead of one out of shape, ratty-looking, urinal-scented hooker walking into your house, two out of shape, ratty-looking, urinal-scented hookers will show up, and then you’ll have to pay both of them to walk around and look through your cabinets for an hour.
 
 
STEP 4: Wear Pants When You Answer the Door
 
Hookers take about as long as a pizza takes to arrive at your door.  In fact, if you don’t mind sharing a pizza with a hooker, a fun game is to order both at the same time and see which one arrives first (Hint: you’re always happier about the pizza). You’ll be tempted to come to the door naked, to let the hooker know that you’re ready.  Reconsider this. Nothing will vanquish a boner faster than the terrifying Samoan pimp who’s staring down at you when you open the door. Try not to start crying, because he’s only there to let you know that he will stab you in the face if you don’t pay him, but he also wants you to "have a good time, bra."
 
 
STEP 5: Have Plenty of Cash
 
I cannot stress this point enough: cash is the only reason that hookers and pimps are there to see you.  They do not take checks, they hate being asked if they take checks, and they will be very unhappy if they discover that you don’t have any cash on you.  If you find yourself in this situation, your immediate future looks pretty dismal: you’re drunk, unable to drive, and now you’re being inundated with threats from the Samoan pimp who’s been summoned back into your living room, backed by an endless chorus of "hell naw"’s and "Nuh-Uh"’s from the hookers flanking him.  This is bad news.  If you find yourself in this situation, you’ve got a few options:
 
1) Drive drunk to the nearest ATM, risk getting a DUI, and leave the pimp and hookers at your house to steal all of your belongings.
 
2) Tell them to get the f*ck out of your house, then get promptly stabbed in the face.
 
3) Have the pimp and the two hookers drive you to the nearest ATM.
 
I think it’s obvious what your choice should be.  The drive to the ATM will be pleasant, but it will most certainly kill the mood.
 
 
STEP 6: Know What You’re Paying For
 
Don’t be afraid to go over exactly what your money is going to get you.  After all, this is a business transaction.  You wouldn’t go to Arby’s and just hand them a wad of cash without knowing for sure that you’re getting a Big Montana.  Giving all of your cash to the hookers without clarifying what you’ll get in return is an excellent way to end up sitting naked, spread eagle on your couch,  awkwardly masturbating in front of them as they lazily "dance" to imaginary music, fully clothed, texting on their sidekicks until your time is up.  Sure, it might seem like fun, but the only thing worse than getting scammed by two hookers is getting scammed by two hookers and then shamefully blowing a load in front of them.  Trust me, I know.
 
 

53 Responses to "How To Order a Phonebook Hooker"

  1. jwrangler says:

    First of all, Craigslist is still allowing escorts to post ads. Second of all, instead of bothering with the phonebook, there are plenty of other sites out there like http://www.naughtyreviews.com that not only provide contact information, but also provide photos, the services offered and reviews from guys who have seen them.

    I used to find escorts in the phone book and would get ripped off more than not, thanks to the internet being ripped off is a thing of the past.

  2. Anonymous says:

    ROAD TRIP!!! Thats fucking funny. oops i cant type swears to loud or my mom will get mad.

  3. Shizzire says:

    If you live near a casino, its easier to go there and “browse”. It’s this easy: Look EVERY girl in the eyes. Eventually one of them will catch, and they’ll ask you if you are “looking for a good time”. You’ll then have the chance to look her up and down and decide if you are drunk enough to have sex with her. If not, either continue drinking, or continue shopping.

  4. Anonymous says:

    Or, you know, you could just, like … polish your appearance, lose some LBs, develop some social skills and *GASP* maybe even, like … TALK to a real live woman or something!

  5. Anonymous says:

    Vancouver Canada is the best place to use the phone book for hookers. I work in the Seattle area and have been there a few times on business trips. If you call from the room they have caller ID and already know what hotel you are at so no worry on giving an address or hotel name, just the room number. Takes about an hour for her to show up. At least with the asian escort services I have called they show up at your door alone and the bodyguard is either waiting on the street or leaves and comes back in about an hour. They will ask what age range you want and ethnicity. Since I have a thing for asian girls that is what I would go for, and the couple times I have been there and called they were very attractive! So no worry on a street walking crackhead hooker with no teeth.

  6. Tanner says:

    If you ask a hooker for a “Big Montana” it is also lovely!!

  7. Horny Chick says:

    Don’t get caught out… Meet Horny Girls in your local area right now!

  8. Takahashi says:

    You can always resort to AFF. I mean of all people you guys have Noah on your side to filter through the decent hookers.

  9. Kathy says:

    phone book hookers?! hahaha!! this was pretty funny. we actually go through this sometimes but we don’t look for hookers but models instead. and so far so good we’ve actually got some really attractive models. actually i got this gig the same way!!

    hahaha!

    http://tinyurl.com/588taz

  10. Hexter19 says:

    I can no longer afford this way of meeting whores. Polishing my appearance or not, meeting filthy whores in bars, churches, and j date costs too much and takes more time than I am willing to invest in a deep meaningful nut-blast. I’ll stick to paying. You know what they say….whores is whores.

  11. lunchboy says:

    Opie and Anthony are the worst.

  12. Amadaeo says:

    OMG..those of you that think this was serious….get a life. If you’re reading Holy Taco in the first place, you’re looking for laughs.

    Go back and thought police someone else.

    OPIE AND ANTHONY ROCK!

  13. Anonymous says:

    Disgusting…

    Electronic Cigarette

  14. tits mcgee says:

    its like when your in the mood for smoked gouda but all you have is cheerios. just opt for the(cheaper) non-polarized pair.

  15. PDizzle says:

    lol Yall got any chex mix Priceless!!!!

  16. steve says:

    is there a women in clinton ohio

  17. steve says:

    my phone number is 330-825-2052

  18. steve says:

    just looking for a women

  19. wow says:

    I Cant belive i read all this while thinking i might want to order a hooker. lol. thanks for all the great advice and such but danm, i would rather jack off and be alone than go thru all the bullshit and drama that hookers bring. lol. thanks again for the entertainment

  20. basha says:

    i have money and looking for young indian hot girls mobile numbers.

  21. brandon says:

    if theres a hooker come to the place 518 Haley St Apt 120 Irving Tx 75060

  22. Daniel says:

    my phone number is 973 866 8976. i need to get laid. i’m a virgin.

  23. Sexxytease says:

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  24. Vili says:

    i have money and looking for young hot girl.

  25. escort service amsterdam says:

    I’ll save everybody the trouble: 98.3% of all Asian hookers are guys. The other 1.7%, you can’t afford.

  26. Berbalerbs says:

    um…die, whoever wrote this.

  27. Anonymous says:

    They DID NOT get rid of erotic services they renamed it!
    Christ do some research before you write something!!
    Its now Adult Services

  28. Anonymous says:

    YAY! Denver phone book, I knew I kept one for a reason!

  29. Fuck says:

    Best idea I’ve heard in a long time.

  30. Zepode says:

    Get Noah to order a hooker. Post the ensuing hilarity.

  31. Denver FTW says:

    I prefer the “Every girl is a hooker hooker.”

    1. Buy a cheap suit that looks really nice. Put an armani tag in it or something.

    2. Rent some sort of convertible or hummer

    3. Take out about 500 dollars in cash all in ones so that you can break out a massive was.

    4. Wear some sort of golden or fake diamond looking something.

    5. Bring an ID that says you are a doctor

    6. Find the dumbest/hottest girl in the room.

    7. Introduce yourself as a some sort of doctor that helps children

    8. Offer to buy her a drink. Whip out cash.

    9. After a few drinks take her to see your rental car pretend it’s brand new due to your new promotion.

    10. Lie about an upcoming vacation to hawaii.

    11. Bang chick in back alley take cab home. If she vandalizes your car hopefully you bought the insurance.

  32. Anoahmous says:

    In Engrish, ‘was’ is not a noun.

  33. blueBalls says:

    wtf? you don’t leave the house much, do you…

  34. steve says:

    no i dont my wife is gone looking for a good time

  35. Anonymous says:

    Noah Limits baby!

  36. Anonymouse says:

    Yeah! I’m with these guys, give him a low, a medium and a high price budget to follow on different nights.

  37. Anoahmous says:

    Yes, do it do it!

  38. Johnny Mastodon says:

    Fuck yea !!! Step up and take another one for the team.
    Noah, Noah, NOAH !!!

  39. sexbitch101 says:

    i just had a guy shove his dick in my vagina

  40. nonymous says:

    id like to stick my dick in your vagina

  41. Fergie Jenkins says:

    Just a question, but is it a faux pas to request a hooker of a certain race? For instance, let’s say you weren’t particularly into black chicks, or maybe you had a special request. What’s the book on this?

  42. lunchboy says:

    hilarious

  43. Pierre says:

    thanks for the insight, holytaco. Hum.. I think i’ll just opt for the pizza.

    my friend had a very similar experience at a bachelor party where he was the best man. They had rented a house somewhere near monterrey and festivities had ended – the groom was passed out, he was passed out.

    suddenly he was woken by an angry fellow that he did not recognize. he wanted money. beside him stood one of the groomsmen, looking startled. After a few inquiries, he found out that the non-unconscious groomsmen had not been satisfied with the plain vanilla stripper at the bachelor romp, and had ordered a couple of prostitutes. Well, they had actually ordered one, but they fell for step 3 outlined in your excellent guide.

    Now, it turned out they had also failed step 5 in your guide, and now there was an angry black man wanting money breathing in my half-awake friend’s face.

    My friend ended up paying the pimp his money, and his groomsmen friends ended up with STDs. When the groom later awoke, he was told about the calamity that had ensued and made them all swear on the virginity of their buttholes that none of what had transpired would be relayed to the bride-to-be.

    this, of course, was a lofty request but being the gentlemen they were a promise was a promise, and all seemed well. Until the groom realized that the prostitutes had eloped with his wallet, containing various credit cards.

    i’ll spare you the raging bitch fest that was the aftermath of their trip, but the brief is that the marriage and a number of friendships were called off by an unreasonable bride.

    good times.

  44. Richard Tucker says:

    Got it, black hookers = no good. Please do one about asian hookers next.

  45. BroBroCop says:

    I’ll save everybody the trouble: 98.3% of all Asian hookers are guys. The other 1.7%, you can’t afford.

  46. steve says:

    is there a women or not

  47. jdashdog says:

    If only you would have posted this important information before last Saturday night…

  48. steve says:

    i have cash looking for some young hot pussy

  49. steve says:

    just looking for a good time not a freak

  50. Anonymous says:

    This couldn’t be more right, I’ve had the expeirence of riding to an atm at 4 in the morning with a hooker and her pimp, not a fun ride

  51. Anonymous says:

    next time make sure you have on hand: gun, meat cleaver and lots of plastic bags.

  52. Adam.s says:

    Let me get this right you got a ride with a hooker and her pimp to an ATM to pay her or him rather. I would love to know how you ended up in a predicament like that. I’ve had quite a few london escorts and always make sure to use nothing but the best services that are reputable without having to worry about a pimp plus they take visa haha.