Man, with all this internet stuff nowadays, DVR’s recording all the shows that we want to watch, and all of those video games I want to play, it’s getting harder and harder to sit down with a good book and indulge in the craft and beauty of the written word. I’m sure all of us encounter this problem at one point or another, as all other entertainment mediums battle for our attention, and reading always seems to be the one that gets picked last – if at all.
But we must read. It makes us smart and stuff. So to assist you in your constant struggle to keep your attention on the words on the page, here’s a nifty step-by-step guide that will keep your thoughts on tra – hey, do you guys remember Step By Step? Man, that Cody was crazy! Did you know he was in Kickboxer 2? That movie sucked. It didn’t have enough spin kicks in it.
1) Read the first five pages. If those pages meet your standard of quality…
2) Read another five pages.
3) Then another.
4) Continue this process until you reach page 30 or 35. At this point ask yourself, “What the f*ck did I just read?” If you cannot answer this question beyond the basic premise of the book that you read on the dust jacket after you wandered in to Barnes and Nobel’s and purchased a book because you felt guilty for not having read one since R.L. Stein’s “The Haunted Mask,” then…
5) Read another five pages. If you find that the word “lust” on page 43 made you think about your sexy neighbor lady and you got a boner, then you should continue to read another 18 pages, none of which will actually register in your head because you can’t stop thinking about getting it on with your neighbor.
6) Put the book down.
7) Go to your computer
8) Open Firefox and go to YouJizz.com. Find that one video that gets your dick juices running; preferably the one with the Brazilian chick getting her mouth stretched by 4 pairs on hands. You like that one.
9) Masturbate lazily, because you’re kind of tired. You probably shouldn’t have started reading. You wasted all that time, and your brain isn’t even in to it.
11) Feel shame.
12) Look at the video of the Brazilian chick getting her mouth stretched (she’s now getting spit hurled in to other holes in her body), and think, “Jesus, what have I done?”
13) Wipe yourself down. You can’t continue your day caked in your own batter.
14) Pick up the book and continue from the sentence you left off on. It’s the one that reads, “…it was during this time that Sheldon wished Damien would be sexually molested by a horse.” Woah! What’s this book about anyway? It must be good, because it’s got horse molestation in it.
15) Masturbate, again.
16) Have a cigarette.
17) There’s a knock at your door. You’d better answer it! The book can wait!
18) Answer door. It’s the neighbor lady. Accept her invite to go to her place.
19) Realize you don’t have condoms. Slyly inquire about her supply of plastic wrap and rubber bands. When she says, “Uh, yeah, I’ve got some. Why?” You respond with, “That’s how I judge a person’s self-worth.” You only partially believe this to be true.
20) Graciously accept her offering of a glass of wine.
21) Drink four of them.
22) Tell her that you’re reading a book! You’re so proud of that book you’re reading! Tell her that it’s got pages! A majority of which contain words!
23) Respond with, “How the f*ck should I know?” after she asks, “Is it good?”
24) When she asks, “What’s it about?” Say “Horses that molest people. I think it’s a horror.”
25) Sit in silence for a few moments. Man, it’d be great if she stopped dicking around and got straight to the sex that she obviously wants.
26) Ask her if she wants the sex she obviously wants.
27) Don’t worry. She’s not actually offended. She’s just playing one of those mind games that women play. And she’s not actually trying to kick you out of her house; she’s trying to keep you in in that womanly kind of way.
28) Say, “I see through your guise, women!” And, yes; you mean “women,” as in all women. You are not currently talking to this one woman; you are directing your words toward all women, none of whom are actually there to hear you.
29) Ask your neighbor lady to calm down and to take a chill pill.
30) Offer her a chill pill.
31) When she says, “This isn’t so much a ‘chill pill’ as it is a ruffie wrapped in an LSD strip with a picture of a unicorn on it” Say, “Here, take two.” Follow that up with, “…and call me when things get sexy.”
32) Tell her you’ll be at your place trying to “force printed words in to my head.”
33) Go back to your place.
34) Continue reading where you left off. It was the part that reads, “…and then he, not thinking about the repercussions of his actions, inflated 12 balloons with his own farts.” By this point you should have no idea what the f*ck this book is about. Like, at all.
35) Get frustrated and toss the book in to the wall. “Grrr-aahhh! Curse’ed publication!” you say. “Why must you torment me with your polysyllabic balloon horse fart molestation!!”
36) Try to calm down – take a “chill pill.”
37) Wonder why there’s a unicorn in your kitchen eating your Muesli cereal. Say, “Magic Horses don’t need to keep regualr, man.” The unicorn responds with an incoherent, other-worldly scream, filled with lots of tongue waggling and spinning spirals of black and white for eyes.
38) Say, “Good point.”
39) There’s a panicked knock on your door. Answer it.
40) It’s neighbor lady! She’s even more glorious than before! Her eyes radiate like exploding suns! Her hair shimmers like heavenly light gleaming off of a river! He mouth is being stretched by four Brazilian goblins!
41) After she asks, “Hey, do you have water? I’ve got goblins.” Say, “It’s there, by the unicorn.” (NOTE: the unicorn may or may not respond with a pleasant hand wave. He’s temperamental like that.)
42) After she drinks her water, ask if she’s up for some sex.
43) She will say, “I would love to, I mean, I would, but – you know, I got these goblins, so…” but, of course, the goblins are stretching her mouth, so all you hear her say is, “AACK-ACCCCK-AAACCKK-GRR-AAACCCK!” as her tongue flaps around like the tail of a dying velociraptor.
44) You say, “Why’s everybody got all these good points and shit? I ain’t got no points.”
45) The unicorn responds with, “Yeah, but I give that ass a 10!” as she squeezes your bottom inappropriately.
46) The neighbor lady will feel weirded out. “Uh, yeah, I’m gonna go.”
47) Watch as she inflates 12 balloons with her farts and flies away while getting her faced stretched by Brazilian goblins.
48) Get molested by a unicorn.
49) Finally understand what that book is about.
50) Congratulations! You’ve read a book!