This past weekend, I played the part of Best Man at my brother’s wedding. It’s pretty well-known that weddings are a fantastic place to pick up chicks, and of all the girls that you’ll find at a wedding, the bridesmaids are easily the most susceptible to a potential wedding bone. It’s like shooting fish in a barrel that’s also made of fish. Here are a few simple steps to strengthen your chances of hooking up with a bridesmaid at the next wedding you attend.
Find the Slutty One
Bridesmaids come in all shapes and sizes, but there’s a 100% chance that one of the bridesmaids is going to be sluttier than the others. Just like your first day in jail, it’s important that you identify right away who is most likely to fuck you, then make sure you always know where that person is so that you’re prepared for when it might happen. There are a few simple ways to quickly identify the slutty bridesmaid:
She’s decided to cut her ugly bridesmaid's dress significantly shorter than the other bridesmaids.
She goes out of her way to offer up a generic, unsolicited introduction, like “What’s up”, followed by a few awkward moments to allow you to check her out.
She’s a raging drunk, saying things like, “I was gonna get fake tits, I might still, I dunfugginknow.”
Booze Her Up
Get that chick drunk. Really drunk. Don’t cling onto her and feed her drinks. Just make sure you drop another one off every time you walk past her. Think of alcohol as the fullback to your running back: it opens holes for you so that you don’t have to.
Separate Her From the Flock
Just because your target is slutty doesn’t mean she wants everyone to know it. Separate her from the flock after the booze has begun to flow. It’s easy. Just grab her by the hand and drag her away. If you’re the Best Man, then you’re already ahead of the flock, provided you’ve done an awesome job with your speech and made a good impression on the room (hint: A wedding crowd is the easiest crowd to play in the world. It’s like performing in front of a group of retarded people and having an array of different colored handkerchiefs at your disposal.) She’ll hesitantly and curiously oblige to go with you. Make sure you have a couple of glasses of champagne with you and take her for a leisurely walk.
Flirt With Her
Every woman has a meter on them that measures how much conversational contact they’ve had with you, and on that meter, there is a line that says “I’ve talked enough to him so that I’m not a whore if I f*&k him.” Reach that line and you’re golden.
Flirting with a bridesmaid is easy. She’s spent the entire day dolling herself up for this event, so there’s plenty to compliment. Do something simple, like complimenting her dress in a tone that could be either serious or mocking. Her immediate response will tell you exactly how to proceed. Here are some possible scenarios:
YOU: “I like your dress.”
HER: “Oh, thanks! I really like the color.”
YOU: Yeah, it reminds me of (reference any attractive character from the original Beverly Hills 90210)
OR
YOU: “I like your dress.”
HER: “Ugh! It’s hideous!”
YOU: Yeah, it reminds me of the dress (reference Andrea Zuckerman from the original Beverly Hills 90210)
There’s always a chance that the slutty bridesmaid you’ve targeted is just a raging bitch. If normal flirting isn’t working on her, don’t waste your time on it. Instead, jump to playing hardball by saying something like “Y’know, you’re a really pretty girl, but I think you’d be much hotter if you didn’t act like a bitch all the time.” She might get mad and walk away, in which case you didn’t have a chance anyway because she’s just a legitimate bitch. Most likely, though, she’s putting up a bitch front because she’s insecure at a wedding, and by calling her a bitch, you’ve punched her only line of defense right in the groin.
Follow it up with some explanation of how her bitchiness makes her unapproachable, but you’re starting to see that, once you get past all that, she’s an awesome girl. Now, you’ve confused her so much, she has no choice but to do whatever you say. I call this approach “The Mac Store salesman approach.” Spit some more of this kind of bullshit at her, and before long she’ll feel like you’ve figured her out. After that, just find a comfortable spot somewhere and have at it.
Aftermath
Make sure that you’re both presentable before returning to the reception. Once you’re back inside, get away from her, but don’t avoid her. A good measure is to act as if she shit her pants, but has the keys to your car. You don’t want to talk to her, you just want to keep an eye on her. If you happen to pass each other, flash her a friendly smile, or touch her on the arm or something. She’ll make the next move. If she doesn’t do anything for the rest of the night, who cares? You already got some. If she decides she wants more, then she’ll get to work on you, and it’s off to Round 2.
Dealing with a Mac salesman is like watching a cartoon that induces the epileptic seizure. You're there frozen on the floor, wide-eyed, and wondering wtf just happened.
I'd buy a Mac but I think it would be rather uncomfortable to walk around with a pickle up my ass trying to convince everyone around me that my shit doesn't stink.
Also, having to remember lines from every Mac commercial so you can appear 'edgy' and 'hip' in order to high five and play grab ass with your Friday night Starbucks meeting group would be tedious.
Nobody cares about your stupid PC. How many chicks come over to look at it before you bang? NOBODY. Its just like the big truck theory, what are you compensating for? And if you have a 2K PC chnaces are you got ripped off or your a video game nerd. Go back and hit your Warcraft some more nerd.
If you spout off about a 2k pc ... well you were not getting laid before so why should that change now. After the wedding you will go back to your parents basement.
I think youre all fucking stupid for talking about whether macs or pcs are better, instead of talking about the chicks youve hooked up with at weddings
Why not talk about computers? Most guys reading this are socially inept and have never "hooked up" with a girl.
With that being said, there are Linux PC users too. We pay nothing for software and therefore can afford more impressive hardware. Distros like Ubuntu are getting pretty user friendly and may get to the point of competing with Mac friendliness. With EXT4, we have really fast boot speed and can streamline our systems to remove bloat. We have decent compatibility with Wine. And we can act more elite than Mac people. Mac people act like their farts don't stink, but Linux people can act like we are rocket scientists that should be thanked for farting.
Windows became great with XP, the "blue screen" generalization pretty much became invalid. Vista screwed things up. Windows 7 will still have some bloat, but should shape up into something decent.
Oh and if you enjoy trainwrecks and or cougars look for the friend who wont stop ballin' their eyes out b/c they can't explain why Becky\Katey\Mandy or whoever has found their man and they haven't. Desperation is a stinky perfume.
In the picture with 4 bridesmaids dressed in red...
The thick one on the left is obviously an easy lay. Do you think it would be best to hit that early on and then focus on other more attractive girls for the remainder of the night? Or save the thick girl as a back up plan if all else fails? I don't think a little confidence boost early on in the night is a bad thing.
At my brother's wedding in Mexico I tagged the Maid of Honor (who was married but her husband recently cheated on her and was not there)the night before the wedding. During this bitch's speech she says "I know this is the first time some of you have seen me but you can ask Jim about that"...in front of my whole family...bad news
Well it's a wedding. If you say no there are plenty of other women to go around and ask. You think many guys like the chase. They don't so get over yourself and rethink your life.
Yes, do rethink your life. How will you ever be complete unless lazy men, who can't even hope to score with a woman based on their having any personality to speak of, fuck you while you're drunk?
All men hate it when a woman won't sleep with them right away so please jump on that skanky dick or else *shock* someone else might! Then you've missed the chance at unsatisfying sex with some socially retarded d-bag who may or may not be carrying an impressive variety and bouquet of STDs based on how often women have 'rethought their lives' near him.
Get off your fucking high horse you frigid bitch. I managed to get a brides maid at my cousins wedding. You know why? Because women want to have sex at a wedding just like men do.
(112 Comments)
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Holy Taco Goes to the Bahamas
May 5th, 2009 at 06:37 pm
Dealing with a Mac salesman is like watching a cartoon that induces the epileptic seizure. You're there frozen on the floor, wide-eyed, and wondering wtf just happened.
May 5th, 2009 at 07:32 pm
Awesome article
May 5th, 2009 at 07:38 pm
"The Mac Store salesman approach"
Classic. Anyone who has visited an Apple Store should totally get this analogy (although I don't regret my overpriced, yet, superior purchase).
May 6th, 2009 at 12:59 pm
You just got a platter of bs...haha
May 6th, 2009 at 01:58 pm
I'm pretty sure any mac would be eaten alive by any home built pc on the same budget. If that makes any sense.
July 23rd, 2009 at 05:40 am
Fuck Macs... they are for retarded people who can't tell blue from green...
July 24th, 2009 at 03:04 pm
And it is abundantly clear that you do not know what you are talking about.
August 7th, 2009 at 08:13 pm
Megan Fox: You should know everything about blue (screen), now don't you.
August 13th, 2009 at 05:34 pm
Fuck you springman, the article is awesome and you are half tarded!
May 6th, 2009 at 01:19 pm
My $2000 home built PC can eat any mac in production to date.
I agree that macs "just work" as their cute little commercial suggests.
Mine just works better...
May 6th, 2009 at 03:38 pm
Sure it does. It's running windows. /sarcasm
May 6th, 2009 at 05:03 pm
I'd buy a Mac but I think it would be rather uncomfortable to walk around with a pickle up my ass trying to convince everyone around me that my shit doesn't stink.
Also, having to remember lines from every Mac commercial so you can appear 'edgy' and 'hip' in order to high five and play grab ass with your Friday night Starbucks meeting group would be tedious.
May 7th, 2009 at 01:48 pm
you sound like a barrel of laughs
May 12th, 2009 at 12:38 pm
Nobody cares about your stupid PC. How many chicks come over to look at it before you bang? NOBODY. Its just like the big truck theory, what are you compensating for? And if you have a 2K PC chnaces are you got ripped off or your a video game nerd. Go back and hit your Warcraft some more nerd.
July 24th, 2009 at 03:06 pm
If you spout off about a 2k pc ... well you were not getting laid before so why should that change now. After the wedding you will go back to your parents basement.
August 1st, 2009 at 10:55 pm
I think youre all fucking stupid for talking about whether macs or pcs are better, instead of talking about the chicks youve hooked up with at weddings
August 14th, 2009 at 05:54 pm
Why not talk about computers? Most guys reading this are socially inept and have never "hooked up" with a girl.
With that being said, there are Linux PC users too. We pay nothing for software and therefore can afford more impressive hardware. Distros like Ubuntu are getting pretty user friendly and may get to the point of competing with Mac friendliness. With EXT4, we have really fast boot speed and can streamline our systems to remove bloat. We have decent compatibility with Wine. And we can act more elite than Mac people. Mac people act like their farts don't stink, but Linux people can act like we are rocket scientists that should be thanked for farting.
Windows became great with XP, the "blue screen" generalization pretty much became invalid. Vista screwed things up. Windows 7 will still have some bloat, but should shape up into something decent.
August 18th, 2009 at 01:38 pm
Ubuntu > Windows & OSX
August 19th, 2009 at 03:00 pm
And I'd put money on it that either my top Mac boxes or my top PC boxes would eat yours for lunch.
$2000 doesn't buy crap you wouldn't flush down the toilet.
2x X5482, 16GB, 8x300GB 15K RAID5. How's that one compare to yours?
May 5th, 2009 at 09:37 pm
"A good measure is to act as if she shit her pants, but has the keys to your car."
You guys had to by high when you wrote this. I was pissing in my pants.
May 5th, 2009 at 10:46 pm
hahahahaha - guys, some of your best writing in recent memory. I am going to try the Mac Salesman approach with some of the bitchy girls at tha club.
May 5th, 2009 at 10:49 pm
Oh and if you enjoy trainwrecks and or cougars look for the friend who wont stop ballin' their eyes out b/c they can't explain why Becky\Katey\Mandy or whoever has found their man and they haven't. Desperation is a stinky perfume.
May 6th, 2009 at 06:05 am
Man I love your site find it on digg all the time the articals are great.
Id love to get me one or 2 bridesmaids back to the hotel all alone haha
http://www.crunchnow.com
May 6th, 2009 at 06:32 am
Everyone is gunning for the bridesmaid. The “help” is a way better target at weddings, and you for sure never have to see them again!
May 6th, 2009 at 06:50 am
This was fuckin classic! Couldnt stop laughing...good stuff.
May 6th, 2009 at 06:55 am
love the fullback analogy
May 6th, 2009 at 07:19 am
Actually all hottall girls on __Tallmingle.com__ go crazy about him;they would kill to marry a man like him!!
May 6th, 2009 at 07:30 am
Great article. Hilarious!
May 6th, 2009 at 08:43 am
In the picture with 4 bridesmaids dressed in red...
The thick one on the left is obviously an easy lay. Do you think it would be best to hit that early on and then focus on other more attractive girls for the remainder of the night? Or save the thick girl as a back up plan if all else fails? I don't think a little confidence boost early on in the night is a bad thing.
May 6th, 2009 at 09:02 am
just say it while it's still PC.
F - A - T
May 6th, 2009 at 02:07 pm
C U D D L Y
May 6th, 2009 at 11:02 am
if you have to resort to that, you have already FAILED
May 6th, 2009 at 05:48 pm
Go Ugly Early
June 2nd, 2009 at 06:28 pm
There is only one other place I've heard that, Harry's @ Purdue. Great tag line for a bar, or life in general.
May 6th, 2009 at 11:23 am
"Think of alcohol as the fullback to your running back: it opens holes for you so that you don’t have to."
That may be one of the greatest lines ever written.
May 6th, 2009 at 12:58 pm
It really is.
May 6th, 2009 at 12:38 pm
At my brother's wedding in Mexico I tagged the Maid of Honor (who was married but her husband recently cheated on her and was not there)the night before the wedding. During this bitch's speech she says "I know this is the first time some of you have seen me but you can ask Jim about that"...in front of my whole family...bad news
May 6th, 2009 at 12:40 pm
I am totally disgusted with you guys. Imagine your sister is the bridesmaid. Nice. And by the way none of that shit would work on me!
FU
May 6th, 2009 at 12:53 pm
Well it's a wedding. If you say no there are plenty of other women to go around and ask. You think many guys like the chase. They don't so get over yourself and rethink your life.
May 6th, 2009 at 01:38 pm
Yes, do rethink your life. How will you ever be complete unless lazy men, who can't even hope to score with a woman based on their having any personality to speak of, fuck you while you're drunk?
All men hate it when a woman won't sleep with them right away so please jump on that skanky dick or else *shock* someone else might! Then you've missed the chance at unsatisfying sex with some socially retarded d-bag who may or may not be carrying an impressive variety and bouquet of STDs based on how often women have 'rethought their lives' near him.
Yummy.
May 6th, 2009 at 01:50 pm
Get off your fucking high horse you frigid bitch. I managed to get a brides maid at my cousins wedding. You know why? Because women want to have sex at a wedding just like men do.
May 6th, 2009 at 01:57 pm
Bitches will be bitches, so treat them like it haahahhahaa
May 6th, 2009 at 01:55 pm
Yep. ALL men. All of us. My goal is to fuck everything that moves, and if you don't do it I am so pissed off.
May 6th, 2009 at 04:58 pm
Sounds like someone got drunk at a few too many weddings.
May 6th, 2009 at 03:35 pm
Sex is sex. It takes two people to have it. Vagina is not worth more than dick is. Females like fucking just as much as males do.
Guys, here's a wake-up call. If a girls "lets you have sex with her" chances are you were her target just as much as she was yours.
Guys need to take the power back.
June 11th, 2009 at 12:15 pm
Females like fucking MORE than guys do.
They're just not as obvious and desperate for it.
May 6th, 2009 at 04:08 pm
You’d be much hotter if you didn’t act like a bitch all the time.
Does your sister have a number?
May 6th, 2009 at 06:19 pm
Cos we wouldn't work that shit on you in the first place, you Janet Reno-post-Gamma Bomb caused mutation-slag.
May 6th, 2009 at 12:41 pm
This is the reason women HATE men like that, hahahaha :)
Gave me a good smile, though! this article is effin hilarious.
May 6th, 2009 at 01:11 pm
One thing to consider- if she is drunk and you have sex, that is considered an act of RAPE if she is unable to consent.
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