This past weekend, I played the part of Best Man at my brother’s wedding. It’s pretty well-known that weddings are a fantastic place to pick up chicks, and of all the girls that you’ll find at a wedding, the bridesmaids are easily the most susceptible to a potential wedding bone. It’s like shooting fish in a barrel that’s also made of fish. Here are a few simple steps to strengthen your chances of hooking up with a bridesmaid at the next wedding you attend.
Find the Slutty One
Bridesmaids come in all shapes and sizes, but there’s a 100% chance that one of the bridesmaids is going to be sluttier than the others. Just like your first day in jail, it’s important that you identify right away who is most likely to fuck you, then make sure you always know where that person is so that you’re prepared for when it might happen. There are a few simple ways to quickly identify the slutty bridesmaid:
- She’s decided to cut her ugly bridesmaid’s dress significantly shorter than the other bridesmaids.
- She goes out of her way to offer up a generic, unsolicited introduction, like “What’s up”, followed by a few awkward moments to allow you to check her out.
- She’s a raging drunk, saying things like, “I was gonna get fake tits, I might still, I dunfugginknow.”
Booze Her Up
Get that chick drunk. Really drunk. Don’t cling onto her and feed her drinks. Just make sure you drop another one off every time you walk past her. Think of alcohol as the fullback to your running back: it opens holes for you so that you don’t have to.
Separate Her From the Flock
Just because your target is slutty doesn’t mean she wants everyone to know it. Separate her from the flock after the booze has begun to flow. It’s easy. Just grab her by the hand and drag her away. If you’re the Best Man, then you’re already ahead of the flock, provided you’ve done an awesome job with your speech and made a good impression on the room (hint: A wedding crowd is the easiest crowd to play in the world. It’s like performing in front of a group of retarded people and having an array of different colored handkerchiefs at your disposal.) She’ll hesitantly and curiously oblige to go with you. Make sure you have a couple of glasses of champagne with you and take her for a leisurely walk.
Flirt With Her
Every woman has a meter on them that measures how much conversational contact they’ve had with you, and on that meter, there is a line that says “I’ve talked enough to him so that I’m not a whore if I f*&k him.” Reach that line and you’re golden.
Flirting with a bridesmaid is easy. She’s spent the entire day dolling herself up for this event, so there’s plenty to compliment. Do something simple, like complimenting her dress in a tone that could be either serious or mocking. Her immediate response will tell you exactly how to proceed. Here are some possible scenarios:
YOU: “I like your dress.”
HER: “Oh, thanks! I really like the color.”
YOU: Yeah, it reminds me of (reference any attractive character from the original Beverly Hills 90210)
YOU: “I like your dress.”
HER: “Ugh! It’s hideous!”
YOU: Yeah, it reminds me of the dress (reference Andrea Zuckerman from the original Beverly Hills 90210)
There’s always a chance that the slutty bridesmaid you’ve targeted is just a raging bitch. If normal flirting isn’t working on her, don’t waste your time on it. Instead, jump to playing hardball by saying something like “Y’know, you’re a really pretty girl, but I think you’d be much hotter if you didn’t act like a bitch all the time.” She might get mad and walk away, in which case you didn’t have a chance anyway because she’s just a legitimate bitch. Most likely, though, she’s putting up a bitch front because she’s insecure at a wedding, and by calling her a bitch, you’ve punched her only line of defense right in the groin.
Follow it up with some explanation of how her bitchiness makes her unapproachable, but you’re starting to see that, once you get past all that, she’s an awesome girl. Now, you’ve confused her so much, she has no choice but to do whatever you say. I call this approach “The Mac Store salesman approach.” Spit some more of this kind of bullshit at her, and before long she’ll feel like you’ve figured her out. After that, just find a comfortable spot somewhere and have at it.
Make sure that you’re both presentable before returning to the reception. Once you’re back inside, get away from her, but don’t avoid her. A good measure is to act as if she shit her pants, but has the keys to your car. You don’t want to talk to her, you just want to keep an eye on her. If you happen to pass each other, flash her a friendly smile, or touch her on the arm or something. She’ll make the next move. If she doesn’t do anything for the rest of the night, who cares? You already got some. If she decides she wants more, then she’ll get to work on you, and it’s off to Round 2.