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How To Score With A Bridesmaid At A Wedding

This past weekend, I played the part of Best Man at my brother’s wedding.  It’s pretty well-known that weddings are a fantastic place to pick up chicks, and of all the girls that you’ll find at a wedding, the bridesmaids are easily the most susceptible to a potential wedding bone.  It’s like shooting fish in a barrel that’s also made of fish.  Here are a few simple steps to strengthen your chances of hooking up with a bridesmaid at the next wedding you attend.
 
  
Find the Slutty One
Bridesmaids come in all shapes and sizes, but there’s a 100% chance that one of the bridesmaids is going to be sluttier than the others.  Just like your first day in jail, it’s important that you identify right away who is most likely to fuck you, then make sure you always know where that person is so that you’re prepared for when it might happen.  There are a few simple ways to quickly identify the slutty bridesmaid:
  • She’s decided to cut her ugly bridesmaid’s dress significantly shorter than the other bridesmaids.
  • She goes out of her way to offer up a generic, unsolicited introduction, like “What’s up”, followed by a few awkward moments to allow you to check her out. 
  • She’s a raging drunk, saying things like, “I was gonna get fake tits, I might still, I dunfugginknow.”
 
Booze  Her Up

Get that chick drunk.  Really drunk.  Don’t cling onto her and feed her drinks. Just make sure you drop another one off every time you walk past her.  Think of alcohol as the fullback to your running back: it opens holes for you so that you don’t have to.

 
 

 
Separate Her From the Flock

Just because your target is slutty doesn’t mean she wants everyone to know it. Separate her from the flock after the booze has begun to flow.  It’s easy. Just grab her by the hand and drag her away.  If you’re the Best Man, then you’re already ahead of the flock, provided you’ve done an awesome job with your speech and made a good impression on the room (hint: A wedding crowd is the easiest crowd to play in the world.  It’s like performing in front of a group of retarded people and having an array of different colored handkerchiefs at your disposal.)    She’ll hesitantly and curiously oblige to go with you.  Make sure you have a couple of glasses of champagne with you and take her for a leisurely walk.

 
  
Flirt With Her

Every woman has a meter on them that measures how much conversational contact they’ve had with you, and on that meter, there is a line that says “I’ve talked enough to him so that I’m not a whore if I f*&k him.” Reach that line and you’re golden. 

Flirting with a bridesmaid is easy.  She’s spent the entire day dolling herself up for this event, so there’s plenty to compliment.  Do something simple, like complimenting her dress in a tone that could be either serious or mocking.  Her immediate response will tell you exactly how to proceed.   Here are some possible scenarios:

YOU: “I like your dress.”

HER: “Oh, thanks! I really like the color.”

YOU: Yeah, it reminds me of (reference any attractive character from the original Beverly Hills 90210)

OR

YOU: “I like your dress.”

HER: “Ugh! It’s hideous!”

YOU: Yeah, it reminds me of the dress (reference Andrea Zuckerman from the original Beverly Hills 90210)

 
 
There’s always a chance that the slutty bridesmaid you’ve targeted is just a raging bitch.   If normal flirting isn’t working on her, don’t waste your time on it.  Instead, jump to playing hardball by saying something like “Y’know, you’re a really pretty girl, but I think you’d be much hotter if you didn’t act like a bitch all the time.”  She might get mad and walk away, in which case you didn’t have a chance anyway because she’s just a legitimate bitch.  Most likely, though, she’s putting up a bitch front because she’s insecure at a wedding, and by calling her a bitch, you’ve punched her only line of defense right in the groin. 
 
 
Follow it up with some explanation of how her bitchiness makes her unapproachable, but you’re starting to see that, once you get past all that, she’s an awesome girl.  Now, you’ve confused her so much, she has no choice but to do whatever you say.   I call this approach “The Mac Store salesman approach.”   Spit some more of this kind of bullshit at her, and before long she’ll feel like you’ve figured her out.  After that, just find a comfortable spot somewhere and have at it.
 
Aftermath

Make sure that you’re both presentable before returning to the reception.  Once you’re back inside, get away from her, but don’t avoid her.  A good measure is to act as if she shit her pants, but has the keys to your car.  You don’t want to talk to her, you just want to keep an eye on her.  If you happen to pass each other, flash her a friendly smile, or touch her on the arm or something.  She’ll make the next move.  If she doesn’t do anything for the rest of the night, who cares? You already got some.  If she decides she wants more, then she’ll get to work on you, and it’s off to Round 2.  

 
 

113 Responses to "How To Score With A Bridesmaid At A Wedding"

  1. Anonymous says:

    Of course she has to consent. But I hope you’re not one of those girls that blacks out and only assumes it must have been rape.

  2. r says:

    “A good measure is to act as if she shit her pants, but has the keys to your car”

    best line ever

  3. PJ says:

    Go Ugly Early

  4. The Anonymous Cunt says:

    Honestly – this shit was classic – the whole ‘shit her self/got your keys’ thing…i’ve never known how to put that strange, post-fuckin a girl you never wanna see again, behaviour in actual, human words.

    Brilliant.

  5. :P says:

    Sounds like someone got drunk at a few too many weddings.

  6. Anonymous says:

    I am totally disgusted with you guys. Imagine your sister is the bridesmaid. Nice. And by the way none of that shit would work on me!

    FU

  7. LOL says:

    HAHA. This site should change the default “Anonymous” posting name to “ImAHumourlessBitch”.
    It seems to me that the only girl that would take offense to this article are skanky bridesmaids. Why don’t you whiners go write a response to this article – like every other sandy crotched woman with no originality or talent.

  8. MJJM says:

    if you have to resort to that, you have already FAILED

  9. Cooter says:

    In the picture with 4 bridesmaids dressed in red…

    The thick one on the left is obviously an easy lay. Do you think it would be best to hit that early on and then focus on other more attractive girls for the remainder of the night? Or save the thick girl as a back up plan if all else fails? I don’t think a little confidence boost early on in the night is a bad thing.

  10. Anonymous says:

    You’d be much hotter if you didn’t act like a bitch all the time.

    Does your sister have a number?

  11. The Shux says:

    This was fuckin classic! Couldnt stop laughing…good stuff.

  12. Anonymoosex says:

    “Article”? It’s Holy Taco cupcake. Caveat Emptor.

    PS Guaranteed you are just mad you’ve gotten banged drunk and you got the shitpants treatment.

  13. Erk says:

    Yep. ALL men. All of us. My goal is to fuck everything that moves, and if you don’t do it I am so pissed off.

  14. Anonymous says:

    If she blacked out and he didn’t, it is rape. If he blacked out and she didn’t it is rape.

  15. dr.schwazzeneger says:

    love the fullback analogy

  16. Anonymous says:

    Thats not booze its SPARKLING CIDER take a look

  17. Anonymous says:

    This is the reason women HATE men like that, hahahaha :)

    Gave me a good smile, though! this article is effin hilarious.

  18. Mike Thornley says:

    Love it. Very good. ;->

  19. clarkkiss says:

    Actually all hottall girls on __Tallmingle.com__ go crazy about him;they would kill to marry a man like him!!

  20. Anonymous says:

    One thing to consider- if she is drunk and you have sex, that is considered an act of RAPE if she is unable to consent.

  21. Pierre says:

    just say it while it’s still PC.

    F – A – T

  22. Anonymous says:

    At my brother’s wedding in Mexico I tagged the Maid of Honor (who was married but her husband recently cheated on her and was not there)the night before the wedding. During this bitch’s speech she says “I know this is the first time some of you have seen me but you can ask Jim about that”…in front of my whole family…bad news

  23. Jeebus says:

    Me thinks you’ve watched the Wedding Crashers one too many times.
    —————-
    Television Spy

  24. Anonymous says:

    Yes, do rethink your life. How will you ever be complete unless lazy men, who can’t even hope to score with a woman based on their having any personality to speak of, fuck you while you’re drunk?

    All men hate it when a woman won’t sleep with them right away so please jump on that skanky dick or else *shock* someone else might! Then you’ve missed the chance at unsatisfying sex with some socially retarded d-bag who may or may not be carrying an impressive variety and bouquet of STDs based on how often women have ‘rethought their lives’ near him.

    Yummy.

  25. Deven says:

    Awesome article…this is something I’d expect to read over at Cracked, and that’s a really good thing. List comedy, when done right, is simply the best comedy on the Internet. Period.

  26. Anonymous says:

    Nobody wants to be the Pick Up Artist, unless they want to look like a total douche.

  27. Anonymdts says:

    Great article. Hilarious!

  28. The Anonymous Cunt says:

    Cos we wouldn’t work that shit on you in the first place, you Janet Reno-post-Gamma Bomb caused mutation-slag.

  29. Anonymous says:

    Get off your fucking high horse you frigid bitch. I managed to get a brides maid at my cousins wedding. You know why? Because women want to have sex at a wedding just like men do.

  30. Anonymous says:

    Sex is sex. It takes two people to have it. Vagina is not worth more than dick is. Females like fucking just as much as males do.

    Guys, here’s a wake-up call. If a girls “lets you have sex with her” chances are you were her target just as much as she was yours.

    Guys need to take the power back.

  31. Anonymous says:

    “Think of alcohol as the fullback to your running back: it opens holes for you so that you don’t have to.”

    That may be one of the greatest lines ever written.

  32. AdamK says:

    i am a guy and i hate sleazy guys like this. but girls are not blameless, dont get drunk if you dont want this to happen to you. that being said, this article was hillarious :)

  33. Anonymous says:

    Sounds like the dude who wrote this is a real chap-ass. A real “I know it all” prick who probably wears a skin-tight Affliction shirt or Ed Hardy. Seems like everyone want’s to be the “Pick Up Artist” these days.

  34. Anonymous says:

    Bitches will be bitches, so treat them like it haahahhahaa

  35. Anonymous says:

    Well it’s a wedding. If you say no there are plenty of other women to go around and ask. You think many guys like the chase. They don’t so get over yourself and rethink your life.

  36. Anonymous says:

    You do realize this article is satirical, right?

  37. Anonymous says:

    i like how all the girls object to this behavior, probably because they have gone through a much similar experience.

  38. Anonymous says:

    Be careful giving alcohol to people you want to bed. Just enough for social lubricant, not enough to rape.

  39. Anonymous says:

    It really is.

  40. Anonymous says:

    HAHA!

  41. captain_pessimism says:

    Truly epic…And the fact this article pisses off so many girls is hilarious. Heres a nifty thing to try, if you don’t want guys to do this to you, don’t spread your fucking legs!

    Something to ponder. Is it disgusting that guys act like this, or that girls actually give in to this? Now who’s the pig, hmm?

    -c.p

  42. Anonymous says:

    C U D D L Y

  43. Anonymous says:

    it’s not rape if you yell “SURPRISE!” first

  44. Anonymous says:

    truth!

  45. Anonymous says:

    True. But it’s disgusting BOTH ways.

    Getting someone drunk to have sex with them is straight up wrong. BUT like you said, the girl has every chance to refuse the drinks and say NO.

    About the article, something pissed me off. They said “maybe she’s a legitimate bitch”

    Um, well if you say “If you weren’t such a bitch you’d be cool” how do you expect her to react? Her reaction doesn’t mean she really WAS a bitch, it means that she probably saw right through his act, knew what he was up to, and had enough when he actually called her a bitch to her face.

    I do like this article though and think every girl should read it. Gives them proof that they NEED to take responsibility for themselves, EVEN if the guys an asshole who thinks she’s a bitch. If he’s such an asshole, don’t worry about him thinking you’re a bitch.

  46. Anonymous says:

    yea this is holy taco and not anything serious so dont get ur panties in a bunch.

    but props for admitting that bitches need to take responsibility. Oops I mean women.

  47. Anonymous says:

    Alternative Title:

    How to act like a douchebag at a wedding.

  48. Anonymous says:

    “Blackout” does not mean “pass out.”

  49. The Anonymous Cunt says:

    OH MY DAYS!!!!!!

    This article was awesome by the way.

  50. Anonymous says:

    OMGosh dude that is just too funny. Love the BH90210 reference! Damn that Jennie Garth (Kelly) was HOT!

    RT
    http://www.privacy-web.net.tc

  51. Anonymous says:

    this article sounds like it was written by a virgin with a slightly active but not very original imagination.

  52. cctv says:

    bitch!

  53. Anonymous says:

    There is only one other place I’ve heard that, Harry’s @ Purdue. Great tag line for a bar, or life in general.

  54. Anonymous says:

    what is nice place

  55. Twist says:

    Females like fucking MORE than guys do.

    They’re just not as obvious and desperate for it.

  56. reasonable comments says:

    so this approach has worked on you? Don’t be mad you probably loved it.

  57. reasonable comments says:

    The shitpants treatment… classic.

  58. reasonable comments says:

    AdamK you may be male but you also may be gay, you may want to get that checked out.

  59. denies says:

    suck

  60. Ukrainian Ox says:

    Dealing with a Mac salesman is like watching a cartoon that induces the epileptic seizure. You’re there frozen on the floor, wide-eyed, and wondering wtf just happened.

  61. Crunch Now says:

    Man I love your site find it on digg all the time the articals are great.

    Id love to get me one or 2 bridesmaids back to the hotel all alone haha

    http://www.crunchnow.com

  62. JROD says:

    Fuck you springman, the article is awesome and you are half tarded!

  63. fixThese says:

    Megan Fox: You should know everything about blue (screen), now don’t you.

  64. Erk says:

    I’m pretty sure any mac would be eaten alive by any home built pc on the same budget. If that makes any sense.

  65. springman says:

    And it is abundantly clear that you do not know what you are talking about.

  66. Megan Fox says:

    Fuck Macs… they are for retarded people who can’t tell blue from green…

  67. Truth says:

    Why not talk about computers? Most guys reading this are socially inept and have never “hooked up” with a girl.

    With that being said, there are Linux PC users too. We pay nothing for software and therefore can afford more impressive hardware. Distros like Ubuntu are getting pretty user friendly and may get to the point of competing with Mac friendliness. With EXT4, we have really fast boot speed and can streamline our systems to remove bloat. We have decent compatibility with Wine. And we can act more elite than Mac people. Mac people act like their farts don’t stink, but Linux people can act like we are rocket scientists that should be thanked for farting.

    Windows became great with XP, the “blue screen” generalization pretty much became invalid. Vista screwed things up. Windows 7 will still have some bloat, but should shape up into something decent.

  68. Bah! says:

    I’d buy a Mac but I think it would be rather uncomfortable to walk around with a pickle up my ass trying to convince everyone around me that my shit doesn’t stink.
    Also, having to remember lines from every Mac commercial so you can appear ‘edgy’ and ‘hip’ in order to high five and play grab ass with your Friday night Starbucks meeting group would be tedious.

  69. Anon. says:

    I think youre all fucking stupid for talking about whether macs or pcs are better, instead of talking about the chicks youve hooked up with at weddings

  70. Anonymous says:

    Sure it does. It’s running windows. /sarcasm

  71. dr.schwazzeneger says:

    you sound like a barrel of laughs

  72. all that is man! says:

    Nobody cares about your stupid PC. How many chicks come over to look at it before you bang? NOBODY. Its just like the big truck theory, what are you compensating for? And if you have a 2K PC chnaces are you got ripped off or your a video game nerd. Go back and hit your Warcraft some more nerd.

  73. springman says:

    If you spout off about a 2k pc … well you were not getting laid before so why should that change now. After the wedding you will go back to your parents basement.

  74. BLah says:

    Ubuntu > Windows & OSX

  75. Anonymous says:

    if you pretend you are batman and start using stupid gadgets to dumb things like open doors and pour drinks one of the dumb girls might get impressed…..

    or not

  76. Gozinya says:

    OMFGOD this is so right on not to mention incredibly funny, I can tell you how many weddings I have followed these recommendations but this line has to be the best.

    “A good measure is to act as if she shit her pants, but has the keys to your car”

    Great article, I can wait until this weekend to go to my buddies wedding and look for another girl that shit her pants.

  77. Dan says:

    “Horribly manipulative if not outright criminal (if she starts regretting it after she sobers up, you could have a lawsuit on your hands)”

    Can that be spun around? I’ve had more than one occasion where after hitting the drinks I’ve ended up with a girl I really wish I didn’t bang. Can I sue her? Plz? :)

    Seriously, there’s rape, and it’s wrong. Then there’s girls who make a conscious decision to sleep with someone, and whether they’ve been drinking or not, it’s still just as wrong for them to turn it around afterwards and try to financially rape a guy by pretending they were forced. I find rape itself only slightly more disgusting than doing this.

  78. Dan says:

    Yes, those STDs really pump it up when you hit the piss….

    If you’re skanky and STD ridden, alcohol isn’t going to make it more likely that you pass it on when you sleep with some poor dude.

  79. TackyTerry says:

    Whitepower

  80. btg says:

    wtf that’s not even a good comment u little bitch

  81. lol says:

    Intentionally getting a chick drunk in order to screw you is:

    A) Pretty pathetic, because if you need to drug someone up to get laid then it’s definitely not the privilege of boning you that got her into bed.

    B) A good way to get an STD.

    C) Horribly manipulative if not outright criminal (if she starts regretting it after she sobers up, you could have a lawsuit on your hands).

    D) Desperate like whoa. You’re just as sad and insecure as the skanky bridesmaid you have on your radar.

    E) All of the above.

    Today’s lesson – consensual sober sex is A-OK. Date rape, not so much.

  82. TheOtherGuy says:

    haha, the funny thing is, my brother is a mac salesman who works at an apple store. and i can tell you, your right about the mac thing…

  83. uptv007 says:

    To be on real TV was never this easy for herein comes http://www.uploaded.tv to offer you an opportunity to upload your self-produced videos here

  84. imscary2 says:

    that is how you pick up any woman

  85. shannon says:

    hahaha.. hilarious.

  86. Nasty Girl says:

    What? This isn’t the Hot Tranny Porn I was looking for!

  87. cnnic2005 says:

    LoL this is some good shit,but I have a different approach…
    Still cool article LoLChristian Louboutin Shoes

  88. cnnic2005 says:

    you should have come to my wedding, there was one bridesmaid that would fuck everything, boy or girl. She got really drunk too.
    I don’t like her but she looks like a sure fuck.

  89. don says:

    went to a wedding last month and my buddy was getting married to a fuckin model and we all know what that means, model brides maids. lucky us 6 out of the 9 were all single and they were so jealous of my buddy’s wife for getting hitched before them. long story short all these brides maids started to get real clingy and we could do anything we wanted to do with them. i got a brunette russian chick that was an absolute soviet animal in bed and she did some shit online too that just sealed the deal for me.

    http://tinyurl.com/5b4nmd

  90. Anonymous says:

    The only reasons these cunts are posting hater male is 1) sodomized by daddy 2) this article touched them deeply the way a best man or lowely usher did and then took off with the hot one or 3) PENIS ENVY.

  91. james says:

    dude went to a wedding last month and it was absolutely off the hook. my buddy’s friend got married to a hooters waitress and seriously every chick from hooters was at the wedding. it was absolutely unbelievable. every “single” dude had atleast 3 girls they were talking to the whole night and i had a bomb ass blond i took home after 30 mins of conversation. needless to say i demolished her that night and found out she did some acting online and that just bumped my cred 2 points.

    http://tinyurl.com/572ng5

  92. Anonymous says:

    I need to find the weddings full of hot chicks.

    Seems like the only weddings I end up at are full of fatties, middle-aged people, married folk with kids, etc. Even when I see the hot chicks they always have boyfriends.

    It funniest when you see the hot bride and she’s only got fugly female friends for bridesmaids…none of whom have a boyfriend.

  93. steve says:

    few weeks back i went to my friends wedding up in some lake area i cant remember. she and i have been friends for a while and even had a benifit relationship for a couple of years until she met this guy on a trip to rome. so my friend is russian and i have to say russian women are absolute dimes (well atleast the ones she hangs out with). there was this one brunette that was possibly the hottest of the lot and my friend introduced us and we hit it off. every guy at the wedding was going after her trying to dance and shit but she was all over me. a bottle of absolute later shes giving me the best BJ i’ve ever had and we fucked for like 3 hours.

    during our sexcapade she kept on talkin about how shes online and stuff and for some reason i retained that info and checked her out the next day. well it seems that she was tellin the truth and now im fuckin a bomb russian brunette thats an internet senstaion!

    http://tinyurl.com/5b4nmd

  94. Anonymous says:

    dude the online porn adds on this site are amazingly well thought out. congrats guys.

  95. Bradford says:

    Everyone is gunning for the bridesmaid. The “help is a way better target at weddings, and you for sure never have to see them again!

  96. Anonymous says:

    “The Mac Store salesman approach”

    Classic. Anyone who has visited an Apple Store should totally get this analogy (although I don’t regret my overpriced, yet, superior purchase).

  97. Anonymous says:

    You just got a platter of bs…haha

  98. mrhahn530 says:

    My $2000 home built PC can eat any mac in production to date.

    I agree that macs “just work” as their cute little commercial suggests.

    Mine just works better…

  99. Zorb750 says:

    And I’d put money on it that either my top Mac boxes or my top PC boxes would eat yours for lunch.

    $2000 doesn’t buy crap you wouldn’t flush down the toilet.

    2x X5482, 16GB, 8x300GB 15K RAID5. How’s that one compare to yours?

  100. The LoLeR says:

    LoL this is some good shit,but I have a different approach…
    Still cool article LoL

  101. Bomber Babes says:

    I bet you would like to see Nude swimmer suicide bomber babes

  102. La Fuerza says:

    hahahahaha – guys, some of your best writing in recent memory. I am going to try the Mac Salesman approach with some of the bitchy girls at tha club.

  103. La Fuerza says:

    Oh and if you enjoy trainwrecks and or cougars look for the friend who wont stop ballin’ their eyes out b/c they can’t explain why Becky\Katey\Mandy or whoever has found their man and they haven’t. Desperation is a stinky perfume.

  104. Mike Kruger says:

    you should have come to my wedding, there was one bridesmaid that would fuck everything, boy or girl. She got really drunk too.
    I don’t like her but she looks like a sure fuck.

  105. GetUsuM says:

    The article was great…really funny. Loved the line…A good measure is to act as if she shit her pants, but has the keys to your car… Now that was so originality. Yet, I really liked Anonymoosex’s response…Guaranteed you are just mad you’ve gotten banged drunk and you got the shitpants treatment… THE SHITPANTS TREATMENT!! Now that’s a term I’ll never forget! That’s humor at it’s best.

  106. Hurricane Ditka says:

    Awesome article

  107. Buddy Ice says:

    “A good measure is to act as if she shit her pants, but has the keys to your car.”

    You guys had to by high when you wrote this. I was pissing in my pants.

  108. Shizzire says:

    Going to a wedding tonight. I had to review this article. Wish me luck!

  109. supermanlymangunowner says:

    what ever happened to the good ol’ fashioned rufie?

  110. Anonymous says:

    how to fuck

  111. Horny Chick says:

    Or alternativly try hooking up with Horny Girls in your local area tonight!

  112. paul says:

    dude i was at a wedding last week and there was this blond from the brides side that was gorgeous. so i started to talk and dance with her and ended up boning her 3 times that night. later on i find out she did a few internet clips and i just realized i boned a semi internet sensation. again shes the blond one.

    http://tinyurl.com/5b4nmd

  113. alcoLOLic says:

    absolutely… isolating her from the rest of the crowd is key.