This past weekend, I played the part of Best Man at my brother’s wedding. It’s pretty well-known that weddings are a fantastic place to pick up chicks, and of all the girls that you’ll find at a wedding, the bridesmaids are easily the most susceptible to a potential wedding bone. It’s like shooting fish in a barrel that’s also made of fish. Here are a few simple steps to strengthen your chances of hooking up with a bridesmaid at the next wedding you attend.
Find the Slutty One
Bridesmaids come in all shapes and sizes, but there’s a 100% chance that one of the bridesmaids is going to be sluttier than the others. Just like your first day in jail, it’s important that you identify right away who is most likely to fuck you, then make sure you always know where that person is so that you’re prepared for when it might happen. There are a few simple ways to quickly identify the slutty bridesmaid:
She’s decided to cut her ugly bridesmaid's dress significantly shorter than the other bridesmaids.
She goes out of her way to offer up a generic, unsolicited introduction, like “What’s up”, followed by a few awkward moments to allow you to check her out.
She’s a raging drunk, saying things like, “I was gonna get fake tits, I might still, I dunfugginknow.”
Booze Her Up
Get that chick drunk. Really drunk. Don’t cling onto her and feed her drinks. Just make sure you drop another one off every time you walk past her. Think of alcohol as the fullback to your running back: it opens holes for you so that you don’t have to.
Separate Her From the Flock
Just because your target is slutty doesn’t mean she wants everyone to know it. Separate her from the flock after the booze has begun to flow. It’s easy. Just grab her by the hand and drag her away. If you’re the Best Man, then you’re already ahead of the flock, provided you’ve done an awesome job with your speech and made a good impression on the room (hint: A wedding crowd is the easiest crowd to play in the world. It’s like performing in front of a group of retarded people and having an array of different colored handkerchiefs at your disposal.) She’ll hesitantly and curiously oblige to go with you. Make sure you have a couple of glasses of champagne with you and take her for a leisurely walk.
Flirt With Her
Every woman has a meter on them that measures how much conversational contact they’ve had with you, and on that meter, there is a line that says “I’ve talked enough to him so that I’m not a whore if I f*&k him.” Reach that line and you’re golden.
Flirting with a bridesmaid is easy. She’s spent the entire day dolling herself up for this event, so there’s plenty to compliment. Do something simple, like complimenting her dress in a tone that could be either serious or mocking. Her immediate response will tell you exactly how to proceed. Here are some possible scenarios:
YOU: “I like your dress.”
HER: “Oh, thanks! I really like the color.”
YOU: Yeah, it reminds me of (reference any attractive character from the original Beverly Hills 90210)
OR
YOU: “I like your dress.”
HER: “Ugh! It’s hideous!”
YOU: Yeah, it reminds me of the dress (reference Andrea Zuckerman from the original Beverly Hills 90210)
There’s always a chance that the slutty bridesmaid you’ve targeted is just a raging bitch. If normal flirting isn’t working on her, don’t waste your time on it. Instead, jump to playing hardball by saying something like “Y’know, you’re a really pretty girl, but I think you’d be much hotter if you didn’t act like a bitch all the time.” She might get mad and walk away, in which case you didn’t have a chance anyway because she’s just a legitimate bitch. Most likely, though, she’s putting up a bitch front because she’s insecure at a wedding, and by calling her a bitch, you’ve punched her only line of defense right in the groin.
Follow it up with some explanation of how her bitchiness makes her unapproachable, but you’re starting to see that, once you get past all that, she’s an awesome girl. Now, you’ve confused her so much, she has no choice but to do whatever you say. I call this approach “The Mac Store salesman approach.” Spit some more of this kind of bullshit at her, and before long she’ll feel like you’ve figured her out. After that, just find a comfortable spot somewhere and have at it.
Aftermath
Make sure that you’re both presentable before returning to the reception. Once you’re back inside, get away from her, but don’t avoid her. A good measure is to act as if she shit her pants, but has the keys to your car. You don’t want to talk to her, you just want to keep an eye on her. If you happen to pass each other, flash her a friendly smile, or touch her on the arm or something. She’ll make the next move. If she doesn’t do anything for the rest of the night, who cares? You already got some. If she decides she wants more, then she’ll get to work on you, and it’s off to Round 2.
Sounds like the dude who wrote this is a real chap-ass. A real "I know it all" prick who probably wears a skin-tight Affliction shirt or Ed Hardy. Seems like everyone want's to be the "Pick Up Artist" these days.
Truly epic...And the fact this article pisses off so many girls is hilarious. Heres a nifty thing to try, if you don't want guys to do this to you, don't spread your fucking legs!
Something to ponder. Is it disgusting that guys act like this, or that girls actually give in to this? Now who's the pig, hmm?
Getting someone drunk to have sex with them is straight up wrong. BUT like you said, the girl has every chance to refuse the drinks and say NO.
About the article, something pissed me off. They said "maybe she's a legitimate bitch"
Um, well if you say "If you weren't such a bitch you'd be cool" how do you expect her to react? Her reaction doesn't mean she really WAS a bitch, it means that she probably saw right through his act, knew what he was up to, and had enough when he actually called her a bitch to her face.
I do like this article though and think every girl should read it. Gives them proof that they NEED to take responsibility for themselves, EVEN if the guys an asshole who thinks she's a bitch. If he's such an asshole, don't worry about him thinking you're a bitch.
Awesome article...this is something I'd expect to read over at Cracked, and that's a really good thing. List comedy, when done right, is simply the best comedy on the Internet. Period.
HAHA. This site should change the default "Anonymous" posting name to "ImAHumourlessBitch".
It seems to me that the only girl that would take offense to this article are skanky bridesmaids. Why don't you whiners go write a response to this article - like every other sandy crotched woman with no originality or talent.
Honestly - this shit was classic - the whole 'shit her self/got your keys' thing...i've never known how to put that strange, post-fuckin a girl you never wanna see again, behaviour in actual, human words.
i am a guy and i hate sleazy guys like this. but girls are not blameless, dont get drunk if you dont want this to happen to you. that being said, this article was hillarious :)
The article was great...really funny. Loved the line...A good measure is to act as if she shit her pants, but has the keys to your car... Now that was so originality. Yet, I really liked Anonymoosex's response...Guaranteed you are just mad you've gotten banged drunk and you got the shitpants treatment... THE SHITPANTS TREATMENT!! Now that's a term I'll never forget! That's humor at it's best.
you should have come to my wedding, there was one bridesmaid that would fuck everything, boy or girl. She got really drunk too.
I don't like her but she looks like a sure fuck.
if you pretend you are batman and start using stupid gadgets to dumb things like open doors and pour drinks one of the dumb girls might get impressed.....
dude i was at a wedding last week and there was this blond from the brides side that was gorgeous. so i started to talk and dance with her and ended up boning her 3 times that night. later on i find out she did a few internet clips and i just realized i boned a semi internet sensation. again shes the blond one.
went to a wedding last month and my buddy was getting married to a fuckin model and we all know what that means, model brides maids. lucky us 6 out of the 9 were all single and they were so jealous of my buddy's wife for getting hitched before them. long story short all these brides maids started to get real clingy and we could do anything we wanted to do with them. i got a brunette russian chick that was an absolute soviet animal in bed and she did some shit online too that just sealed the deal for me.
The only reasons these cunts are posting hater male is 1) sodomized by daddy 2) this article touched them deeply the way a best man or lowely usher did and then took off with the hot one or 3) PENIS ENVY.
dude went to a wedding last month and it was absolutely off the hook. my buddy's friend got married to a hooters waitress and seriously every chick from hooters was at the wedding. it was absolutely unbelievable. every "single" dude had atleast 3 girls they were talking to the whole night and i had a bomb ass blond i took home after 30 mins of conversation. needless to say i demolished her that night and found out she did some acting online and that just bumped my cred 2 points.
Seems like the only weddings I end up at are full of fatties, middle-aged people, married folk with kids, etc. Even when I see the hot chicks they always have boyfriends.
It funniest when you see the hot bride and she's only got fugly female friends for bridesmaids...none of whom have a boyfriend.
few weeks back i went to my friends wedding up in some lake area i cant remember. she and i have been friends for a while and even had a benifit relationship for a couple of years until she met this guy on a trip to rome. so my friend is russian and i have to say russian women are absolute dimes (well atleast the ones she hangs out with). there was this one brunette that was possibly the hottest of the lot and my friend introduced us and we hit it off. every guy at the wedding was going after her trying to dance and shit but she was all over me. a bottle of absolute later shes giving me the best BJ i've ever had and we fucked for like 3 hours.
during our sexcapade she kept on talkin about how shes online and stuff and for some reason i retained that info and checked her out the next day. well it seems that she was tellin the truth and now im fuckin a bomb russian brunette thats an internet senstaion!
(113 Comments)
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Holy Taco Goes to the Bahamas
May 6th, 2009 at 01:45 pm
Of course she has to consent. But I hope you're not one of those girls that blacks out and only assumes it must have been rape.
May 6th, 2009 at 02:43 pm
If she blacked out and he didn't, it is rape. If he blacked out and she didn't it is rape.
May 6th, 2009 at 03:25 pm
"Blackout" does not mean "pass out."
May 6th, 2009 at 01:52 pm
it's not rape if you yell "SURPRISE!" first
May 6th, 2009 at 05:44 pm
HAHA!
May 6th, 2009 at 06:15 pm
OH MY DAYS!!!!!!
This article was awesome by the way.
May 6th, 2009 at 01:11 pm
this article sounds like it was written by a virgin with a slightly active but not very original imagination.
May 6th, 2009 at 07:27 pm
truth!
May 6th, 2009 at 01:15 pm
Sounds like the dude who wrote this is a real chap-ass. A real "I know it all" prick who probably wears a skin-tight Affliction shirt or Ed Hardy. Seems like everyone want's to be the "Pick Up Artist" these days.
May 7th, 2009 at 08:20 pm
Nobody wants to be the Pick Up Artist, unless they want to look like a total douche.
May 6th, 2009 at 01:19 pm
Alternative Title:
How to act like a douchebag at a wedding.
October 26th, 2009 at 09:25 am
so this approach has worked on you? Don't be mad you probably loved it.
May 6th, 2009 at 01:24 pm
Truly epic...And the fact this article pisses off so many girls is hilarious. Heres a nifty thing to try, if you don't want guys to do this to you, don't spread your fucking legs!
Something to ponder. Is it disgusting that guys act like this, or that girls actually give in to this? Now who's the pig, hmm?
-c.p
May 6th, 2009 at 02:38 pm
True. But it's disgusting BOTH ways.
Getting someone drunk to have sex with them is straight up wrong. BUT like you said, the girl has every chance to refuse the drinks and say NO.
About the article, something pissed me off. They said "maybe she's a legitimate bitch"
Um, well if you say "If you weren't such a bitch you'd be cool" how do you expect her to react? Her reaction doesn't mean she really WAS a bitch, it means that she probably saw right through his act, knew what he was up to, and had enough when he actually called her a bitch to her face.
I do like this article though and think every girl should read it. Gives them proof that they NEED to take responsibility for themselves, EVEN if the guys an asshole who thinks she's a bitch. If he's such an asshole, don't worry about him thinking you're a bitch.
May 6th, 2009 at 03:52 pm
"Article"? It's Holy Taco cupcake. Caveat Emptor.
PS Guaranteed you are just mad you've gotten banged drunk and you got the shitpants treatment.
May 6th, 2009 at 06:16 pm
yea this is holy taco and not anything serious so dont get ur panties in a bunch.
but props for admitting that bitches need to take responsibility. Oops I mean women.
October 26th, 2009 at 09:27 am
The shitpants treatment... classic.
November 18th, 2009 at 06:59 am
suck
June 7th, 2009 at 03:35 pm
bitch!
May 6th, 2009 at 04:27 pm
You do realize this article is satirical, right?
May 6th, 2009 at 01:26 pm
OMGosh dude that is just too funny. Love the BH90210 reference! Damn that Jennie Garth (Kelly) was HOT!
RT
www.privacy-web.net.tc
May 6th, 2009 at 01:40 pm
Love it. Very good. ;->
May 6th, 2009 at 02:03 pm
Awesome article...this is something I'd expect to read over at Cracked, and that's a really good thing. List comedy, when done right, is simply the best comedy on the Internet. Period.
May 6th, 2009 at 02:44 pm
Be careful giving alcohol to people you want to bed. Just enough for social lubricant, not enough to rape.
May 6th, 2009 at 03:20 pm
i like how all the girls object to this behavior, probably because they have gone through a much similar experience.
May 6th, 2009 at 04:15 pm
Me thinks you've watched the Wedding Crashers one too many times.
----------------
Television Spy
May 6th, 2009 at 04:55 pm
HAHA. This site should change the default "Anonymous" posting name to "ImAHumourlessBitch".
It seems to me that the only girl that would take offense to this article are skanky bridesmaids. Why don't you whiners go write a response to this article - like every other sandy crotched woman with no originality or talent.
May 6th, 2009 at 05:49 pm
"A good measure is to act as if she shit her pants, but has the keys to your car"
best line ever
May 6th, 2009 at 06:23 pm
Honestly - this shit was classic - the whole 'shit her self/got your keys' thing...i've never known how to put that strange, post-fuckin a girl you never wanna see again, behaviour in actual, human words.
Brilliant.
May 6th, 2009 at 06:57 pm
Thats not booze its SPARKLING CIDER take a look
May 6th, 2009 at 07:43 pm
i am a guy and i hate sleazy guys like this. but girls are not blameless, dont get drunk if you dont want this to happen to you. that being said, this article was hillarious :)
June 6th, 2009 at 05:42 am
what is nice place
October 26th, 2009 at 09:29 am
AdamK you may be male but you also may be gay, you may want to get that checked out.
May 7th, 2009 at 05:09 am
LoL this is some good shit,but I have a different approach...
Still cool article LoL
May 7th, 2009 at 12:20 pm
I bet you would like to see Nude swimmer suicide bomber babes
May 7th, 2009 at 04:13 pm
The article was great...really funny. Loved the line...A good measure is to act as if she shit her pants, but has the keys to your car... Now that was so originality. Yet, I really liked Anonymoosex's response...Guaranteed you are just mad you've gotten banged drunk and you got the shitpants treatment... THE SHITPANTS TREATMENT!! Now that's a term I'll never forget! That's humor at it's best.
May 9th, 2009 at 08:36 pm
you should have come to my wedding, there was one bridesmaid that would fuck everything, boy or girl. She got really drunk too.
I don't like her but she looks like a sure fuck.
May 30th, 2009 at 09:33 am
Going to a wedding tonight. I had to review this article. Wish me luck!
June 4th, 2009 at 01:36 am
if you pretend you are batman and start using stupid gadgets to dumb things like open doors and pour drinks one of the dumb girls might get impressed.....
or not
June 4th, 2009 at 06:10 am
Or alternativly try hooking up with Horny Girls in your local area tonight!
June 5th, 2009 at 10:25 am
dude i was at a wedding last week and there was this blond from the brides side that was gorgeous. so i started to talk and dance with her and ended up boning her 3 times that night. later on i find out she did a few internet clips and i just realized i boned a semi internet sensation. again shes the blond one.
http://tinyurl.com/5b4nmd
June 6th, 2009 at 03:57 am
how to fuck
June 7th, 2009 at 04:18 pm
what ever happened to the good ol' fashioned rufie?
June 9th, 2009 at 05:14 pm
absolutely... isolating her from the rest of the crowd is key.
June 11th, 2009 at 11:10 am
went to a wedding last month and my buddy was getting married to a fuckin model and we all know what that means, model brides maids. lucky us 6 out of the 9 were all single and they were so jealous of my buddy's wife for getting hitched before them. long story short all these brides maids started to get real clingy and we could do anything we wanted to do with them. i got a brunette russian chick that was an absolute soviet animal in bed and she did some shit online too that just sealed the deal for me.
http://tinyurl.com/5b4nmd
June 14th, 2009 at 08:59 am
The only reasons these cunts are posting hater male is 1) sodomized by daddy 2) this article touched them deeply the way a best man or lowely usher did and then took off with the hot one or 3) PENIS ENVY.
June 16th, 2009 at 10:28 am
dude went to a wedding last month and it was absolutely off the hook. my buddy's friend got married to a hooters waitress and seriously every chick from hooters was at the wedding. it was absolutely unbelievable. every "single" dude had atleast 3 girls they were talking to the whole night and i had a bomb ass blond i took home after 30 mins of conversation. needless to say i demolished her that night and found out she did some acting online and that just bumped my cred 2 points.
http://tinyurl.com/572ng5
June 16th, 2009 at 12:21 pm
I need to find the weddings full of hot chicks.
Seems like the only weddings I end up at are full of fatties, middle-aged people, married folk with kids, etc. Even when I see the hot chicks they always have boyfriends.
It funniest when you see the hot bride and she's only got fugly female friends for bridesmaids...none of whom have a boyfriend.
June 18th, 2009 at 11:07 am
few weeks back i went to my friends wedding up in some lake area i cant remember. she and i have been friends for a while and even had a benifit relationship for a couple of years until she met this guy on a trip to rome. so my friend is russian and i have to say russian women are absolute dimes (well atleast the ones she hangs out with). there was this one brunette that was possibly the hottest of the lot and my friend introduced us and we hit it off. every guy at the wedding was going after her trying to dance and shit but she was all over me. a bottle of absolute later shes giving me the best BJ i've ever had and we fucked for like 3 hours.
during our sexcapade she kept on talkin about how shes online and stuff and for some reason i retained that info and checked her out the next day. well it seems that she was tellin the truth and now im fuckin a bomb russian brunette thats an internet senstaion!
http://tinyurl.com/5b4nmd
June 18th, 2009 at 12:40 pm
dude the online porn adds on this site are amazingly well thought out. congrats guys.
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