This past weekend, I played the part of Best Man at my brother’s wedding. It’s pretty well-known that weddings are a fantastic place to pick up chicks, and of all the girls that you’ll find at a wedding, the bridesmaids are easily the most susceptible to a potential wedding bone. It’s like shooting fish in a barrel that’s also made of fish. Here are a few simple steps to strengthen your chances of hooking up with a bridesmaid at the next wedding you attend.
Find the Slutty One
Bridesmaids come in all shapes and sizes, but there’s a 100% chance that one of the bridesmaids is going to be sluttier than the others. Just like your first day in jail, it’s important that you identify right away who is most likely to fuck you, then make sure you always know where that person is so that you’re prepared for when it might happen. There are a few simple ways to quickly identify the slutty bridesmaid:
She’s decided to cut her ugly bridesmaid's dress significantly shorter than the other bridesmaids.
She goes out of her way to offer up a generic, unsolicited introduction, like “What’s up”, followed by a few awkward moments to allow you to check her out.
She’s a raging drunk, saying things like, “I was gonna get fake tits, I might still, I dunfugginknow.”
Booze Her Up
Get that chick drunk. Really drunk. Don’t cling onto her and feed her drinks. Just make sure you drop another one off every time you walk past her. Think of alcohol as the fullback to your running back: it opens holes for you so that you don’t have to.
Separate Her From the Flock
Just because your target is slutty doesn’t mean she wants everyone to know it. Separate her from the flock after the booze has begun to flow. It’s easy. Just grab her by the hand and drag her away. If you’re the Best Man, then you’re already ahead of the flock, provided you’ve done an awesome job with your speech and made a good impression on the room (hint: A wedding crowd is the easiest crowd to play in the world. It’s like performing in front of a group of retarded people and having an array of different colored handkerchiefs at your disposal.) She’ll hesitantly and curiously oblige to go with you. Make sure you have a couple of glasses of champagne with you and take her for a leisurely walk.
Flirt With Her
Every woman has a meter on them that measures how much conversational contact they’ve had with you, and on that meter, there is a line that says “I’ve talked enough to him so that I’m not a whore if I f*&k him.” Reach that line and you’re golden.
Flirting with a bridesmaid is easy. She’s spent the entire day dolling herself up for this event, so there’s plenty to compliment. Do something simple, like complimenting her dress in a tone that could be either serious or mocking. Her immediate response will tell you exactly how to proceed. Here are some possible scenarios:
YOU: “I like your dress.”
HER: “Oh, thanks! I really like the color.”
YOU: Yeah, it reminds me of (reference any attractive character from the original Beverly Hills 90210)
OR
YOU: “I like your dress.”
HER: “Ugh! It’s hideous!”
YOU: Yeah, it reminds me of the dress (reference Andrea Zuckerman from the original Beverly Hills 90210)
There’s always a chance that the slutty bridesmaid you’ve targeted is just a raging bitch. If normal flirting isn’t working on her, don’t waste your time on it. Instead, jump to playing hardball by saying something like “Y’know, you’re a really pretty girl, but I think you’d be much hotter if you didn’t act like a bitch all the time.” She might get mad and walk away, in which case you didn’t have a chance anyway because she’s just a legitimate bitch. Most likely, though, she’s putting up a bitch front because she’s insecure at a wedding, and by calling her a bitch, you’ve punched her only line of defense right in the groin.
Follow it up with some explanation of how her bitchiness makes her unapproachable, but you’re starting to see that, once you get past all that, she’s an awesome girl. Now, you’ve confused her so much, she has no choice but to do whatever you say. I call this approach “The Mac Store salesman approach.” Spit some more of this kind of bullshit at her, and before long she’ll feel like you’ve figured her out. After that, just find a comfortable spot somewhere and have at it.
Aftermath
Make sure that you’re both presentable before returning to the reception. Once you’re back inside, get away from her, but don’t avoid her. A good measure is to act as if she shit her pants, but has the keys to your car. You don’t want to talk to her, you just want to keep an eye on her. If you happen to pass each other, flash her a friendly smile, or touch her on the arm or something. She’ll make the next move. If she doesn’t do anything for the rest of the night, who cares? You already got some. If she decides she wants more, then she’ll get to work on you, and it’s off to Round 2.
you should have come to my wedding, there was one bridesmaid that would fuck everything, boy or girl. She got really drunk too.
I don't like her but she looks like a sure fuck.
"Horribly manipulative if not outright criminal (if she starts regretting it after she sobers up, you could have a lawsuit on your hands)"
Can that be spun around? I've had more than one occasion where after hitting the drinks I've ended up with a girl I really wish I didn't bang. Can I sue her? Plz? :)
Seriously, there's rape, and it's wrong. Then there's girls who make a conscious decision to sleep with someone, and whether they've been drinking or not, it's still just as wrong for them to turn it around afterwards and try to financially rape a guy by pretending they were forced. I find rape itself only slightly more disgusting than doing this.
OMFGOD this is so right on not to mention incredibly funny, I can tell you how many weddings I have followed these recommendations but this line has to be the best.
"A good measure is to act as if she shit her pants, but has the keys to your car"
Great article, I can wait until this weekend to go to my buddies wedding and look for another girl that shit her pants.
(113 Comments)
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Holy Taco Goes to the Bahamas
July 3rd, 2009 at 09:07 pm
you should have come to my wedding, there was one bridesmaid that would fuck everything, boy or girl. She got really drunk too.
I don't like her but she looks like a sure fuck.
July 3rd, 2009 at 09:08 pm
LoL this is some good shit,but I have a different approach...
Still cool article LoLChristian Louboutin Shoes
July 5th, 2009 at 07:12 am
What? This isn't the Hot Tranny Porn I was looking for!
July 9th, 2009 at 11:11 am
hahaha.. hilarious.
July 16th, 2009 at 04:27 am
that is how you pick up any woman
July 18th, 2009 at 01:33 am
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July 19th, 2009 at 12:21 am
wtf that's not even a good comment u little bitch
July 26th, 2009 at 11:59 pm
Intentionally getting a chick drunk in order to screw you is:
A) Pretty pathetic, because if you need to drug someone up to get laid then it's definitely not the privilege of boning you that got her into bed.
B) A good way to get an STD.
C) Horribly manipulative if not outright criminal (if she starts regretting it after she sobers up, you could have a lawsuit on your hands).
D) Desperate like whoa. You're just as sad and insecure as the skanky bridesmaid you have on your radar.
E) All of the above.
Today's lesson - consensual sober sex is A-OK. Date rape, not so much.
August 6th, 2009 at 09:03 pm
Yes, those STDs really pump it up when you hit the piss....
If you're skanky and STD ridden, alcohol isn't going to make it more likely that you pass it on when you sleep with some poor dude.
August 6th, 2009 at 09:07 pm
"Horribly manipulative if not outright criminal (if she starts regretting it after she sobers up, you could have a lawsuit on your hands)"
Can that be spun around? I've had more than one occasion where after hitting the drinks I've ended up with a girl I really wish I didn't bang. Can I sue her? Plz? :)
Seriously, there's rape, and it's wrong. Then there's girls who make a conscious decision to sleep with someone, and whether they've been drinking or not, it's still just as wrong for them to turn it around afterwards and try to financially rape a guy by pretending they were forced. I find rape itself only slightly more disgusting than doing this.
July 28th, 2009 at 06:58 am
haha, the funny thing is, my brother is a mac salesman who works at an apple store. and i can tell you, your right about the mac thing...
August 5th, 2009 at 01:46 pm
Whitepower
August 12th, 2009 at 05:55 pm
OMFGOD this is so right on not to mention incredibly funny, I can tell you how many weddings I have followed these recommendations but this line has to be the best.
"A good measure is to act as if she shit her pants, but has the keys to your car"
Great article, I can wait until this weekend to go to my buddies wedding and look for another girl that shit her pants.
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