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How To: Score at the Office Christmas Party

Company Christmas parties are about sharing a love for Christ with your co-workers, as well as finding someone to rub genitals with.  Since our company christmas party is tonight, we’ve decided to show you how to do the latter:
Step #1: Do Your Homework 
The odds are pretty good that there are going to be more than a few women at the office Christmas party, and they can’t all be viable options for you.  You’ll have to know which chicks to watch and which ones to forget about, so it’s important to be prepared.  Pay close attention on casual Fridays.  Watch for things like tramp stamps, exposed underwear straps, and big slutty heels.  Those things say "I have in the past, or still do, enjoy casual intercourse with partners I wish to never speak to again."
Step #2: Make Your Presence Known But Keep Focus
No one is going to bang you if they don’t know you’re there.   Therefore, you can’t get sucked into the vortex of the weird IT guy who wants to corner you for forty minutes and talk to you about an episode of the original Batman series were he’s pretty sure Adam West uses the N word.  Instead, just walk past him and point at him, while saying his name loudly and adding the suffix “-bo” to the end of it. then continue walking (e.g. “Tim-bo!!”).  If they still attempt to engage in conversation, continue walking, and add “You’re hilarious man! I’m gonna head to the bano. We’ll talk later though.”  Now you’ve complimented them, as well as substituted the word bathroom for its Spanish counterpart, which for some unknown reason, makes them think you think they’re cool. 
Step #3: Notice Who Likes Themselves Some Booze

Booze is like Jeff Goldbum: it’s really great to a point, but if you put too much of it in something it becomes really annoying.  Therefore, you have to make sure to keep an eye out for who’s downed what liquor and how much of it.  Sure, that’s an annoying task, but so is masturbating at 4 in the morning in a Christmas sweater because you tried to take home the girl who was doing the “putting your tongue between two fingers to make the eat  my pussy face” signal before they even started serving dessert, and now she’s passed out in a pool of vomit on your kitchen floor.
Step #4: Smell The Desperation
The great thing about evolution is that it tells us we’re only worth as much as the highest quality penis or vagina we can find to play with us.  While we’re sober, we allow stupid things like our career, or integrity to help define our worth.  Luckily, booze eliminates those factors, and evolution kicks in.  Their body is telling them “Unless you can find someone to make a strong child with, you’re a complete piece of shit.”  Thus, the more rejections they get, the closer they are to the realization that nature intended for them to die out.  Once they’ve reached the point of “only finding a penis to enter my vagina will re-establish my worth as a human being”, you approach.
Step #5: Be Ready for the Encounter 
Now that your target has become sufficiently intoxicated, it’s time for her to start the hunt.  Your objective here is to make it seem like she’s found you.  She’ll start by drunkenly chatting up every guy in the room.  Make sure that you’re toward the front of the line.  Most of the dudes she chats with will be thrown by her overt drunkenness, and will stutter, stammer, or take a few moments to get into the “I’m talking to a drunk chick” zone.  Those few seconds are enough to send her packing to the next witless beau, so don’t give her a chance.  Be in the zone ahead of time, and be ready to engage her in a conversation that a typical drunk would enjoy.  Non-sensical observations that make fun of other employees work incredibly well (e.g. -"I totally agree, bob from ad sales looks like a circumcised penis.")  Reciprocate body language, like touching, laughing, and eye contact, and move in for the kill.
Step #6: Find the Point of Lowest Self-Esteem & Boost It
Have another drink on hand for this one.  A quick visual survey of your target should provide you with adequate material.  Odds are, there will be at least one thing that makes your penis cringe a little bit, and if you noticed it, then she is certainly aware of it.  Compliment that disgusting attribute, but only once. Avoid mocking tones and gag noises at all costs, and use words like “cute”, “adorable” and “very attractive”.  Examples: 
“You have an adorable underbite.”
“That’s a really cute knife-wound scar you have.”
“I have to tell you something: I find your scoliosis brace very attractive.”

Step #7: Know exactly where you can find a taxi
If having sex with someone you work with is considered “shitting where you eat,” then having sex with someone you work with AT your company Christmas party is “shitting on what you’re eating, then eating it, while sitting in a pile of shit.”  In other words, don’t do it.  Before you enter the party, know exactly where you can catch a cab.  Any sort of delay between deciding you’re going to have sex and actually having that sex provides your partner with the opportunity to realize what a mistake their making.  Drunk people are like monkeys, so if you do have to wait, keep them distracted by showing them a function on your cell phone or feeding them something that needs unwrapping.  

24 Responses to "How To: Score at the Office Christmas Party"

  1. Mak says:

    Wow! Thank for sharing..

  2. Mark says:

    Hi, I have enjoyed this xmass party with my co-workers. It was a wonderful evening and will remember it till death. All the people was dancing on the beat of music. The most important thing was I ahve won a huge prize at a famous online jackpot site. I have read your post and it is very good. Thanks for sharing.

  3. Captain America says:

    Worst article yet

  4. Blah blah blah says:


  5. sister christian says:


  6. o.O Goggle Eyed Genius says:


  7. Green Lantern says:

    You Fail, there are much worse articles. This and my wolf sweatshirt are totally going to get me laid.

    Oh, and suck it.

  8. WTF says:

    #6 is too fugly – I’m sure seeing her naked would make my penis hide like a scared turtle.

  9. Mr. Anonymous says:

    Women are always beautiful on the inside. If you know what I mean.

  10. sort of says:

    Only a light switch away man!

  11. Philosofag says:

    What about the guide for the holy taco readers who women find attractive so they don’t need these scam techniques?

  12. office jerk says:

    scam techniques – mating rituals – rohypnol… tomato – tomatoe

  13. office jerk says:

    there should be a step about connies in there.

    If having sex with someone you work with is considered “shitting where you eat, and having sex with someone you work with AT your company Christmas party is “shitting on what you’re eating, then eating it, while sitting in a pile of shit.

    then having sex with someone from your work and knocking her up is like shitting on what you’re eating, eating it, while sitting in said shit, vomiting it back up, and eating it again.

    Oh and you have to pay child support.

  14. says:

    I dred the xmas party already

  15. Getting stuck at the table next to the a-hole boss is never any fun.

  16. Chicoson says:

    What are the odds HT has women people would want to screw at their Christmas party? Also, if anyone from HT would like to prove me wrong, send me their pics and tell them to come to Cleveland, cause God knows we need more attractive women out here.

  17. susan says:

    I found a great club for you________B l a c k w h i t e C u p i d . C o m________. The best club for seeking the interracial singles, sexy beauties and even hot interracial celebs… I think everyone need to meet some miracle after all the terrible stuff in the news and the economy .You should check it out!!! GGGGGGG

  18. Masshole says:

    Go-od dammit, whore, how many fahking times do I gotta tell ya, get o-off the fahking computah and make me my fahking dinnah!

  19. toats mcgoats says:


  20. McFuzzlesTehPwner says:


  21. Xander Cage says:

    First and Hilarious

  22. b d mcghee says:

    first huh lol

  23. i have a boner says:

    firstto levying

  24. now i really have a boner! says:

    holy shit i was first for once. fuck me in the butt you guys!