Company Christmas parties are about sharing a love for Christ with your co-workers, as well as finding someone to rub genitals with. We decided to show you how to do the latter.
1. Do Your Homework
Odds are there are going to be more than a few women at the office Christmas party, and they can’t all be viable options for you. You’ll have to know which chicks to watch and which ones to forget about, so it’s important to be prepared. Pay close attention on casual Fridays. If you know what you’re looking for, the smallest details can speak volumes. Watch for things like tramp stamps, exposed underwear straps, and big slutty heels. Those things say "I have in the past or still do, enjoy casual intercourse with partners I wish to never speak to again."
2. Make Your Presence Known But Keep Focus
No one is going to bang you if they don’t know you’re there. Therefore, you can’t get sucked into the vortex of the weird IT guy who wants to corner you for forty minutes and talk to you about an episode of the original Batman series were he’s pretty sure Adam West uses the N word. The best way to avoid this is to walk past these people and point at them, while saying their name loudly and adding the suffix “-bo” to the end of it. then continue walking past them. E.g. “Tim-bo!!” If they still attempt to come up to you and engage in conversation, continue walking, and add “You’re hilarious man, I’m gonna head to the bano. We’ll talk later though.” Now you’ve complimented them, as well as substituted the word bathroom for its Spanish counterpart, which for some unknown reason, makes them think you think they’re cool.
3. Watch Who Likes Themselves Some Booze
Booze is like Jeff Goldbum, It’s really great to a point, but if you put too much of it in something it becomes really annoying. Therefore you have to make sure to keep an eye out for who’s downed what liquor and how much of it. Sure, that’s an annoying task, but so is masturbating at 4 in the morning in a Christmas sweater because you tried to take home the girl who was doing the “putting your tongue between two fingers to make the eat my pussy face” signal before they started serving dessert.
4. Smell The Desperation
The great thing about evolution is that it tells us we’re only worth as much as the highest quality penis or vagina we can find to play with us. Now, while we’re sober, we allow things like our career, or integrity to help define our worth. Luckily, booze eliminates those factors, and evolution kicks in. Their body is telling them “Unless you can find someone to make a strong child with, you’re a complete piece of shit.” Thus, the more rejections they get, the closer they are to coming to the realization that nature intended for them to die out. Once they’ve reached the point of “Only finding a penis to enter my vagina will reestablish my worth as a human being” you approach.
5. Be Ready for the Encounter
Now that your target has become sufficiently intoxicated, it’s time for her to start the hunt. Your objective here is to make it seem like she’s found you. She’ll start by drunkenly chatting up every guy in the room. Make sure that you’re toward the front of the line. Most of the dudes she chats with will be thrown by her overt drunkenness, and will stutter, stammer, or take a few moments to get into the “I’m talking to a drunk chick” zone. Those few seconds are enough to send her packing to the next witless beau, so don’t give her a chance. Be in the zone ahead of time, and be ready to engage her in a conversation that a typical drunk would enjoy. Non-sensical observations that make fun of other employees work incredibly well. E.g. "I totally agree, bob from ad sales looks like a circumcised penis." Reciprocate body language, like touching, laughing, and eye contact.
6. Find the Point of Lowest Self-Esteem & Boost It
Have another drink on hand for this one. A quick visual survey of your target should provide you with adequate material. Odds are, there will be at least one thing that makes your penis cringe a little bit, and if you noticed it, then she is certainly aware of it. Compliment that disgusting attribute, but only once. Avoid mocking tones and gag noises at all costs, and use words like “cute”, “adorable”, and “very attractive”. Examples:
“You have an adorable underbite.”
“That’s a really cute knife-wound scar you have.”
“I have to tell you something: I find your scoliosis brace very attractive.”
7. Know exactly where you can find a taxi
If having sex with someone you work with is considered “shitting where you eat,” then having sex with someone you work with AT your company Christmas party is “shitting on what you’re eating, then eating it, while sitting in a pile of shit.” In other words, don’t do it. Before you enter the party, know exactly where you can catch a cab. Any sort of delay between deciding you’re going to have sex, and having sex, provides your partner with the opportunity to realize what a mistake their making. Drunk people are like monkeys, so if you do have to wait, keep them distracted by showing them a function on your cell phone or feeding them something that needs unwrapping.
Hurts my soul that my staff christmas party was held in a Middle School cafeteria with almost everyone's children there and, dare it be spoken, no booze to speak of.
you know what you men are a bunch of freaking loosers !! i was raped and that son of a bitch is in prison where he belongs!!! so fuck all of you idiots and my dumbass husband can go to hell!!!
I did a google search and I find no public record of any case involving the words rape and Susan Ezell. Don't get mad but are you sure it was an "Offical" rape and not some kind of "I Need Attention After Being Upset By An Article Dealing With Sex"?
Can you provide a picture or link to the story to further the investigation into your tragic past? Thanks!
This is cools shit man, F%^&* those losers that bag this article. You hit it right on bitches are dumb when they are drunk and a little of guidance will get them in your bed no problem.
Looks like the guy who wrote this has spent more time thinking about how to approach a person of the opposite sex (mainly women) rather than getting them.
Ten steps my azz. You can sense the nice/hot person, just be a normal human.
the next day everything will be weird as fuck!!!! don't shit where you eat, its so damn true. Just go to a club and pick a chick there, from work is a bad bad idea. unless she works in a different floor or even better a dif location.
God you're a wanker. I'm a guy in my mid thirties and I can tell you, these office pick up rules you speak of, do not exist. A girl is attracted to a guy who is just being himself and comfortable with himself...not some sleaze bag jerk, unless she's totally brainless. Have some respect for women instead of viewing every woman as a potential sex object, just because you have most likely been burnt in the past by a girl you loved. Doesn't mean they're all Ho ho hoes. I really don't like people like you...
There is no such thing as rape. Any female who leaves her rightful place in the house and the kitchen is fucking begging for cock in her holes. If she gets the cock she so badly is asking for, it's not fucking rape, it's a damn slut getting what she fucking deserves.
Males still rule this fucking world. In most of the world, a fucking bitch can get killed for looking at a man straight in the eye. In America and Europe, every day dumb sluts get their holes penetrated without their so-called consent, which isn't rape, just them getting the fucking dick they deserve up their asses.
Sexual abuse is on the rise, spousal abuse is on the rise and more bitches die every year. Fucking cunts. I am so glad I was born a man. I am so glad there is a bunch of retarded sluts jumping through hoops just to get my cock.
Haha, females are so fucking sad. We treat you bitches like shit, and you still spend time, money and effort on trying to look good for us. Way to be a good slave, whores. Now keep acting like sluts and sucking our cocks. And if you change your mind after you leave the house, too fucking bad, you're getting your holes fucked and there isn't shit you can do about it because that's your only fucking purpose in life.
What the fuck is wrong with you. Your the reason you make us look bad. Go into a fucking hole and die, worthless piece of shit. I hope something bad happens to you soon. Waste of life.
What a load of losers....... so much for the real meaning of Christmas.... If you want to behave like animals dont use Christmas as an excuse .... I hate the rubbish people seem to think they have to do at staff Christmas parties. If you believe in Christmas then its an insult, if you dont believe in Christmas then what are you celebrating? And is that the best way you can think of to celebrate Christmas? Have sex with a girl who is drunk and play on her insecurities? Real men dont do that. Only insecure dicks who have not grown up... or never will... the kind who would not be capable of a real relationship.. the kind who cant even relate to themselves.
SO THERE!!!!
I share that guys morals and I'm into the whole celebrating Christmas as the birth of Jesus Christ thing, but this article was still hilarious. Not something I'd try, personally, but that doesn't mean I can't think it was absolutely funny
I can't believe you actually take the time to try and correct someone on a detail like that, and you actually end up failing miserably at it. He wrote their and you want him to correct it to they're, but you suggest doing the opposite? Epic Fail man..
"shitting on what you’re eating, then eating it, while sitting in a pile of shit." I agree you have to have an exit strategy if you want to close the deal. Wait to take her home, then defecate on her.
(59 Comments)
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December 28th, 2008 at 03:13 pm
Hurts my soul that my staff christmas party was held in a Middle School cafeteria with almost everyone's children there and, dare it be spoken, no booze to speak of.
sigh.
June 12th, 2009 at 01:20 pm
Yeah, but did you score?
December 26th, 2008 at 06:24 pm
you know what you men are a bunch of freaking loosers !! i was raped and that son of a bitch is in prison where he belongs!!! so fuck all of you idiots and my dumbass husband can go to hell!!!
June 12th, 2009 at 01:31 pm
was it at a staff christmas party? cause if not i don't see the relevance...
December 27th, 2008 at 05:50 am
I did a google search and I find no public record of any case involving the words rape and Susan Ezell. Don't get mad but are you sure it was an "Offical" rape and not some kind of "I Need Attention After Being Upset By An Article Dealing With Sex"?
Can you provide a picture or link to the story to further the investigation into your tragic past? Thanks!
December 26th, 2008 at 10:10 pm
maybe you shouldn`t be a dumb slut then.
December 25th, 2008 at 08:26 pm
number6, whether xmas party or standard everyday life, will work wonders with any girl
December 25th, 2008 at 03:12 am
This is cools shit man, F%^&* those losers that bag this article. You hit it right on bitches are dumb when they are drunk and a little of guidance will get them in your bed no problem.
December 24th, 2008 at 10:05 pm
u guys got it all wrong u really want a gurl u gotta pee in her butt.
December 24th, 2008 at 01:40 pm
I enjoyed this article. Ignore all the haters. You're spewing valid evolutionary psychology. :)
December 24th, 2008 at 01:28 pm
i'm guessin' you don't get much practice...
December 24th, 2008 at 11:17 am
Looks like the guy who wrote this has spent more time thinking about how to approach a person of the opposite sex (mainly women) rather than getting them.
Ten steps my azz. You can sense the nice/hot person, just be a normal human.
December 24th, 2008 at 10:39 am
I DO NOT LOOK LIKE ANY TYPE OF PENIS!!!
December 24th, 2008 at 07:05 am
DO NOT DO IT!!!!
the next day everything will be weird as fuck!!!! don't shit where you eat, its so damn true. Just go to a club and pick a chick there, from work is a bad bad idea. unless she works in a different floor or even better a dif location.
damn you HR!
December 24th, 2008 at 06:29 am
This is hilarious! I love it. Great how-to you guys put together here :D
December 24th, 2008 at 05:01 am
I bet the dude who made the first comment doesn't get laid very much.
December 24th, 2008 at 04:58 am
it's articles like this that make me hate men.
December 24th, 2008 at 03:53 am
God you're a wanker. I'm a guy in my mid thirties and I can tell you, these office pick up rules you speak of, do not exist. A girl is attracted to a guy who is just being himself and comfortable with himself...not some sleaze bag jerk, unless she's totally brainless. Have some respect for women instead of viewing every woman as a potential sex object, just because you have most likely been burnt in the past by a girl you loved. Doesn't mean they're all Ho ho hoes. I really don't like people like you...
Grow up
j
December 25th, 2008 at 12:46 pm
Easy there Nancy Boy, don't get your panties in a bunch.
December 24th, 2008 at 04:39 am
They also say women are attracted to men with a sense of humour, which obviously you lack. Wanker
December 24th, 2008 at 03:49 am
Or just rape a woman.
December 26th, 2008 at 04:41 am
There is no such thing as rape. Any female who leaves her rightful place in the house and the kitchen is fucking begging for cock in her holes. If she gets the cock she so badly is asking for, it's not fucking rape, it's a damn slut getting what she fucking deserves.
Males still rule this fucking world. In most of the world, a fucking bitch can get killed for looking at a man straight in the eye. In America and Europe, every day dumb sluts get their holes penetrated without their so-called consent, which isn't rape, just them getting the fucking dick they deserve up their asses.
Sexual abuse is on the rise, spousal abuse is on the rise and more bitches die every year. Fucking cunts. I am so glad I was born a man. I am so glad there is a bunch of retarded sluts jumping through hoops just to get my cock.
Haha, females are so fucking sad. We treat you bitches like shit, and you still spend time, money and effort on trying to look good for us. Way to be a good slave, whores. Now keep acting like sluts and sucking our cocks. And if you change your mind after you leave the house, too fucking bad, you're getting your holes fucked and there isn't shit you can do about it because that's your only fucking purpose in life.
January 16th, 2009 at 02:14 am
LMAO PEE IN HER BUTT
January 6th, 2009 at 01:11 pm
What the fuck is wrong with you. Your the reason you make us look bad. Go into a fucking hole and die, worthless piece of shit. I hope something bad happens to you soon. Waste of life.
December 24th, 2008 at 07:28 am
using term "rape" is wrong. i prefer using "surprise sex"
December 24th, 2008 at 06:28 am
no.... don't, jackass.
December 24th, 2008 at 02:53 am
I couldn't agree more with the first comment - WELL PUT!
December 24th, 2008 at 02:56 am
Sorry, I meant the comment below - about this whole sad-@ss story being for losers!!
December 24th, 2008 at 01:38 am
What a load of losers....... so much for the real meaning of Christmas.... If you want to behave like animals dont use Christmas as an excuse .... I hate the rubbish people seem to think they have to do at staff Christmas parties. If you believe in Christmas then its an insult, if you dont believe in Christmas then what are you celebrating? And is that the best way you can think of to celebrate Christmas? Have sex with a girl who is drunk and play on her insecurities? Real men dont do that. Only insecure dicks who have not grown up... or never will... the kind who would not be capable of a real relationship.. the kind who cant even relate to themselves.
SO THERE!!!!
December 24th, 2008 at 08:18 am
Who makes the decision to /read/ this whole article, then decides to /moralize/ about it?
Hypocrite wanker...
December 24th, 2008 at 01:34 pm
I share that guys morals and I'm into the whole celebrating Christmas as the birth of Jesus Christ thing, but this article was still hilarious. Not something I'd try, personally, but that doesn't mean I can't think it was absolutely funny
December 24th, 2008 at 03:56 am
A Life.
Go get one.
December 24th, 2008 at 03:44 am
Yep. And I am proud to be one of those immature dicks! Sex without relationships: All of the fun, none of the hassle.
December 24th, 2008 at 12:48 am
this is great
Akon, left, during the making of the “I’m So Paid
December 23rd, 2008 at 10:48 pm
You forgot the final and most important section(s). How to deal with the aftermath...
December 23rd, 2008 at 09:41 pm
You use the wrong spelling of "they're" near the end. It should be "their." Good try, though.
January 1st, 2009 at 09:07 pm
Hey Professor Grammer, shut the hell up. Go post at some dictionary site.
December 23rd, 2008 at 11:14 pm
I can't believe you actually take the time to try and correct someone on a detail like that, and you actually end up failing miserably at it. He wrote their and you want him to correct it to they're, but you suggest doing the opposite? Epic Fail man..
December 23rd, 2008 at 09:43 pm
At least the writer isn't dyslexic.
It should be "They're" NOT "Their."
December 23rd, 2008 at 09:39 pm
Always picking on the ad sales folks...
December 23rd, 2008 at 09:19 pm
If you added in to behave yourself in front of the bosses, this article would transcend comedy and become truth.
Good post =)
December 23rd, 2008 at 09:02 pm
thanks for the tips for tomorrow´s party :D
December 23rd, 2008 at 07:44 pm
LOL, well done. Once again Holy Taco comes through with flying colors!
jess
www.privacy.de.tc
December 23rd, 2008 at 11:53 am
No you dit int!
December 23rd, 2008 at 11:44 am
Booze is nothing like Jeff Goldbum, you assholes. Maybe schnapps.
December 23rd, 2008 at 07:48 am
"shitting on what you’re eating, then eating it, while sitting in a pile of shit." I agree you have to have an exit strategy if you want to close the deal. Wait to take her home, then defecate on her.
December 22nd, 2008 at 08:44 pm
My company Christmas party was Saturday. And yes, I did bang a coworker that night!
December 23rd, 2008 at 08:44 pm
You full of shit, and the only thing u bang is hole on your bedroom wall!
December 23rd, 2008 at 02:15 pm
Your hand
December 22nd, 2008 at 05:03 pm
Hilarious! Who writes this sh*t?