As a person who got into a lot of trouble as a kid, nothing worries me more than what a normal, everyday person would have to do to survive prison. Prison seems kind of like church camp: You don’t know how you got there, you just want to go home, and everyone is crazy, but instead of scripture being pounded into you, it’s shivs and penises. So how can you survive prison, a place where rape is an everyday occurrence for a 20-something, upper-middle class, soft, fresh boy-fish? A few simple steps will help ensure that you make it out of the Big House with your life, and at least some of your dignity, still intact.
Learn the “Bid’ness”
Prison systems have their own economy. If you are able to manage your finances outside of the Big House, then you already know the basic principles that can help you to succeed in the Pen. Of course, there are some subtle differences: in the real world, people exchange money for goods and services. In prison, currencies called “cigarettes” and “drugs” are exchanged for “blowjobs” and “legal advice”. Your best bet, as a soft young boy who wants to avoid blowjobs as much as possible, will be to head to the prison library, pronto. Spend all of your free time reading up on legal matters, specifically those that pertain to “getting someone out of the slammer”.
This practice will benefit you in two ways: first, you’ll be able to exchange "legal advice" to other inmates for "cigarettes" or "drugs", which you can then exchange for "protection" and “not getting raped as much”. Furthermore, you don’t tend to sweat much when you’re in the library all day, which means that you won’t have to shower as much, and showering less equals getting raped less. That’s just basic prison math, as illustrated below:
Don’t Get Killed
Survival will be your first and foremost priority, and what better way to ensure your survival than by creating an important, necessary role for yourself right away? As sure as there are gangs in prison, there will be another soft young boy there that is only alive because he tells tons of funny jokes and is good at getting raped. This guy will be easy to spot: he’ll be the one without tattoos, his hair will be nicely combed, and in between his daily savage rapes, he’ll be surrounded by a group of laughing inmates, telling jokes to them at a pace that rivals an old-skool Robin Williams.
This guy is your competition. There’s only room for one funny guy. Both of you know this. Eventually, there’s going to be a huge, epic showdown-type prison fight between the two of you. You must kill him and rise to power, thus becoming the guy that’s good at getting raped and telling tons of funny jokes. It’s the only way you’ll come out alive.
Be A Good Rape Victim
Let’s just face the facts: your soft, supple skin is going to be irresistible to the rest of the prison population. Rape is unavoidable. You’re the closest thing to a woman most of these guys have seen in years, so you’d better get used to getting raped. In fact, you’d better get damn good at it. You’re probably thinking, “What!? Get good at being raped? I’d shit my pants everyday, so that no one would want to rape me!”
Before you jump straight to pants-shitting tactics, remember this age-old prison adage: "A little doo-doo in the pants does not a rape deter." Basically, it means that you’re probably going to get raped no matter what, so don’t fight it. If you’re getting raped, you definitely don’t want to prolong the experience by complaining or crying or passing out, thus becoming a bad lay. When it comes to prison sex, a figurative “dead fish” quickly becomes a literal “dead fish”, so your best bet at survival will be to simply f*&k him back. Communication is important. Ask him what he likes, and then cater to his needs. A little romance never hurt anything either. Soft, romantic music can often times turn a brutal savage rape, into a gentler, more intimate savage rape.
Of course, the easiest way to avoid an epic prison fail is to avoid going to prison altogether, but if you must go to prison, following these few tips will help you to survive any prison stint, whether it be 5 to 10 or straight up 69.
OMG! this is the worst advice ever! Its a nightmare that can come true if you F up in the world.
And WTF! the shit your pants drill wont work! all hope is lost
Work out and get offensive body tattoos now, and you'll have an easier time in prison. Fewer people will mess with you if you're the buff guy with the devil raping a keebler elf on your chest.
"Prison seems kind of like church camp: You don’t know how you got there, you just want to go home, and everyone is crazy, but instead of scripture being pounded into you, it’s shivs and penises."
No, actually, that sounds a lot like my church camp. Especially the penises.
I actually have a portrait of me shoving razor blades into my asshole with a baseball bat on my back. This suggests that my butt is blown out and will cut you. I deal narcotics and got this tattoo in preparation of the worst.
Sorry, but in REALITY, the only guys that get raped are the ones that LET it happen. Sure this is a funny post but seriously, you make it the biggest pain in the ass for them (not literally) they will find better targets. You may end up in the prison hospital a couple times but your asshole will be intact. Probably not so much your face or teeth but...
You are 100% right. Don't be a bitch or start shit with anyone, keep to yourself and if someone tries to fuck with you (and they will) hit them first and hit em hard. You may get your ass beat a few times, but it will earn you some much needed respect and people will learn that if they wanna fuck with u, it ain't gonna be easy. I served 5 years and the only time someone tried to fuck with me was in my first week, at lunch and they got a tray to the head repeatedly. Never touched me. I paid for it with 30 days in solitary but nobody tried that shit anymore, and the guy I hit actually ended up being an ok guy after a while.
And don't even try the old,"I have AIDs." trick. Half the dudes in the slammer (pun intended) have heard that one. The other half will be like "Me too". Either way, you're taking a pounding. You'll probably want to go with a more exotic, or made up disease. Try: "I think I got the Ebola." or "You really don't want my case of Penisharts."
What about the eye-twitching, crazy-guy defense? You know, anyone comes near you and you start screaming about squirrels and shit. That's what I would do. I'm also practicing anal clenching...
A young white man gets sent to prison. He gets his jumpsuit, blankets, and his cell. As soon as the guard leaves his big, black, monster cellmate stands up and says: "We're gonna play house, you want to be the mommy or the daddy?" Well the white thinks, "this guy must think I'm stupid" and blurts out "I'm going to be the daddy". To which his cellmate replies, "OK, then come over here and suck mommy's dick."
Well...I'm looking at 8+ for an attempted murder beef. My trial starts June 22nd. So thank you for the timely advice. At least yours isnt costing me $300 an hour!
He probably tried to kill a cow in India...thats could explain the number of years he has to serve, he's lucky it wasn't life without the possibility of parole.
i think that u should jus bend over n take it like a man, n if that doesnt wrk switch it up n take the lead. that wat when your behind u can stick sumthin sharp n no one will mess wit u.
yea i was in prison for 7 yrs for attempted robbery
maybe if you learned how to be good at life you wouldn't have to rob and if you learned how to rob you have to take dick like a man way to literally suck dick
I don't know if they will take the offer, but just offer a BJ if someone tries to sodomize you. Then when you get the cock in your mouth bite down as hard as you can and attempt to rip it off. Probably be seen as too crazy after that to be raped. I always just assumed this is what I would do.
Anyone who has actually been to prison knows that 95% of this post is not only bullshit, but really dangerous advice to follow. If you are ever put in there for any decent length of time you'll learn pretty fast that things like rape and getting your ass kicked are really nothing to worry about as long as you aren't being a little bitch and pissing people off. Its very much like high school. You have the badasses who like to fuck with you and the losers who get fucked with. If you can find a way to make it no longer fun for the badasses to fuck with you, then you're fine. Besides, the longing to get out is far worse than any beating could ever be.
I actually found that in prison most people are pretty balanced. Sure there are some people who are just flat out unapproachably crazy, but most criminals aren't complete sociopaths and feel they had a really good reason for what they did and thus have no reason to hold anything against you in particular, so why shouldn't you all just get along and try to pass the time as quickly and painlessly as possible?
That's how the vast majority of people in there are, I found.
My dad is a dentist in a few different prisons and says if you follow the rules you will be fine. But no matter what if you are in for a crime against a child you are fucked. And for the guy that said offer a bj and bit it off, my dad makes dentures for those guys all the time and every inmate wants a bj from the guy with no teeth.
I would concur w/this statement -
and much about prison is overblown (no pun intended)
in the media and therefore in people's minds.
"Anyone who has actually been to prison knows that 95% of this post is not only bullshit, but really dangerous advice to follow. If you are ever put in there for any decent length of time you'll learn pretty fast that things like rape and getting your ass kicked are really nothing to worry about as long as you aren't being a little bitch and pissing people off. Its very much like high school. You have the badasses who like to fuck with you and the losers who get fucked with. If you can find a way to make it no longer fun for the badasses to fuck with you, then you're fine. Besides, the longing to get out is far worse than any beating could ever be.
I actually found that in prison most people are pretty balanced. Sure there are some people who are just flat out unapproachably crazy, but most criminals aren't complete sociopaths and feel they had a really good reason for what they did and thus have no reason to hold anything against you in particular, so why shouldn't you all just get along and try to pass the time as quickly and painlessly as possible?
That's how the vast majority of people in there are, I found."
It's started up pretty funny and a little gay. But then it turned creepy and very, very gay. Way to fuck up a funny article by overkilling the rape joke.
I think the author of this "article" wrote it with one hand down his pants. The back of his pants.
dood... if you ever had a funny bone in your body it was when I was fucking you in the ass.
See? That was funny. You are not. Try writing about something you know something about, because this lame piece of crap, by itself, will get you fucked in the ass, in prison. Repeatedly.
I'm serious. If you ever make a misstep and wind up in prison, kiss your anus goodbye because it will never be the same again. You'll be known as that guy who thinks ass-rape is funny... only you won't be laughing.
(61 Comments)
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Holy Taco Goes to the Bahamas
May 28th, 2009 at 11:46 am
OMG! this is the worst advice ever! Its a nightmare that can come true if you F up in the world.
And WTF! the shit your pants drill wont work! all hope is lost
Kg
May 28th, 2009 at 10:08 pm
Prepare to eat your own shit off the rapers dick!!
May 28th, 2009 at 11:48 am
i wanted to post something comical here. prison is a bitch.
May 28th, 2009 at 11:55 am
Work out and get offensive body tattoos now, and you'll have an easier time in prison. Fewer people will mess with you if you're the buff guy with the devil raping a keebler elf on your chest.
May 28th, 2009 at 12:31 pm
Awesome! Already got the tattoo!
May 28th, 2009 at 10:17 pm
thanks for the lolz
May 28th, 2009 at 12:33 pm
"Prison seems kind of like church camp: You don’t know how you got there, you just want to go home, and everyone is crazy, but instead of scripture being pounded into you, it’s shivs and penises."
No, actually, that sounds a lot like my church camp. Especially the penises.
May 29th, 2009 at 12:41 pm
you must not be catholic
May 28th, 2009 at 12:49 pm
I actually have a portrait of me shoving razor blades into my asshole with a baseball bat on my back. This suggests that my butt is blown out and will cut you. I deal narcotics and got this tattoo in preparation of the worst.
May 28th, 2009 at 08:47 pm
that is definitely the strangest comment i have ever read on the internet. and that's saying a lot...
May 29th, 2009 at 05:47 am
Yup
February 1st, 2010 at 10:23 pm
bash.org has some stuff that will beat that comment.
May 28th, 2009 at 12:49 pm
kinda wierd post.
May 28th, 2009 at 01:00 pm
Sorry, but in REALITY, the only guys that get raped are the ones that LET it happen. Sure this is a funny post but seriously, you make it the biggest pain in the ass for them (not literally) they will find better targets. You may end up in the prison hospital a couple times but your asshole will be intact. Probably not so much your face or teeth but...
May 28th, 2009 at 03:05 pm
You are 100% right. Don't be a bitch or start shit with anyone, keep to yourself and if someone tries to fuck with you (and they will) hit them first and hit em hard. You may get your ass beat a few times, but it will earn you some much needed respect and people will learn that if they wanna fuck with u, it ain't gonna be easy. I served 5 years and the only time someone tried to fuck with me was in my first week, at lunch and they got a tray to the head repeatedly. Never touched me. I paid for it with 30 days in solitary but nobody tried that shit anymore, and the guy I hit actually ended up being an ok guy after a while.
May 28th, 2009 at 03:25 pm
There are some fucked up people here...
May 28th, 2009 at 10:15 pm
well, i for one appreciate the insight
June 2nd, 2009 at 04:13 pm
That's because you're one of the fucked up people, frenchy.
May 28th, 2009 at 01:15 pm
And don't even try the old,"I have AIDs." trick. Half the dudes in the slammer (pun intended) have heard that one. The other half will be like "Me too". Either way, you're taking a pounding. You'll probably want to go with a more exotic, or made up disease. Try: "I think I got the Ebola." or "You really don't want my case of Penisharts."
May 28th, 2009 at 01:16 pm
What about the eye-twitching, crazy-guy defense? You know, anyone comes near you and you start screaming about squirrels and shit. That's what I would do. I'm also practicing anal clenching...
May 28th, 2009 at 01:47 pm
You know who won't last long in prison? This drunk bastard:
http://www.digitalfuntown.com/videos/168
May 28th, 2009 at 01:52 pm
This reminds me of a joke:
A young white man gets sent to prison. He gets his jumpsuit, blankets, and his cell. As soon as the guard leaves his big, black, monster cellmate stands up and says: "We're gonna play house, you want to be the mommy or the daddy?" Well the white thinks, "this guy must think I'm stupid" and blurts out "I'm going to be the daddy". To which his cellmate replies, "OK, then come over here and suck mommy's dick."
May 28th, 2009 at 02:18 pm
Whoa holytaco, this post leads me to believe you used to really like that HBO show OZ and that you probably like to wank to it too.
May 28th, 2009 at 04:43 pm
Hey! We can all admit there has been a time we have wanked our willy wankers to something we probably shouldn't have.
May 28th, 2009 at 02:41 pm
Well...I'm looking at 8+ for an attempted murder beef. My trial starts June 22nd. So thank you for the timely advice. At least yours isnt costing me $300 an hour!
May 28th, 2009 at 08:44 pm
You attempted to murder beef? 8 years sounds high...
May 29th, 2009 at 06:37 am
He probably tried to kill a cow in India...thats could explain the number of years he has to serve, he's lucky it wasn't life without the possibility of parole.
May 28th, 2009 at 03:40 pm
Maybe it would be a good idea to trade cigarettes for KY
May 28th, 2009 at 04:03 pm
i think that u should jus bend over n take it like a man, n if that doesnt wrk switch it up n take the lead. that wat when your behind u can stick sumthin sharp n no one will mess wit u.
yea i was in prison for 7 yrs for attempted robbery
May 28th, 2009 at 04:52 pm
maybe if you learned how to rob you wouldn't have to take dick like a man way to literally suck dick at life
May 29th, 2009 at 07:42 pm
maybe if you learned how to be good at life you wouldn't have to rob and if you learned how to rob you have to take dick like a man way to literally suck dick
May 28th, 2009 at 06:24 pm
ATTEMPTED robbery. You didn't even get the job done. No wonder you like to take it up the ass.
May 28th, 2009 at 07:09 pm
You gotta join a gang! you dropped the ball on that one taco bitches
May 28th, 2009 at 07:13 pm
This post fails
May 28th, 2009 at 07:40 pm
I don't know if they will take the offer, but just offer a BJ if someone tries to sodomize you. Then when you get the cock in your mouth bite down as hard as you can and attempt to rip it off. Probably be seen as too crazy after that to be raped. I always just assumed this is what I would do.
May 28th, 2009 at 11:15 pm
whoever wrote this article is obviously a homo. go to prison and suck all the dick you want, faggot.
May 28th, 2009 at 11:25 pm
Has this guy ever gone to prison?
His insight is way the fuck off.
May 28th, 2009 at 11:43 pm
Familiarize yourself with the local economy.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K2IYIJc1f00
1:25 in says it all.
Best onion vid yet. the bottom feed is even better than the dialogue.
May 29th, 2009 at 02:08 am
I would get a huge tattoo saying "Don't think of your Mom!" on my back. The old reverse psychology trick.
That could get some weird reactions though. If someone in prison reads this please try it out and let me know how it went.
May 29th, 2009 at 06:22 am
Anyone who has actually been to prison knows that 95% of this post is not only bullshit, but really dangerous advice to follow. If you are ever put in there for any decent length of time you'll learn pretty fast that things like rape and getting your ass kicked are really nothing to worry about as long as you aren't being a little bitch and pissing people off. Its very much like high school. You have the badasses who like to fuck with you and the losers who get fucked with. If you can find a way to make it no longer fun for the badasses to fuck with you, then you're fine. Besides, the longing to get out is far worse than any beating could ever be.
I actually found that in prison most people are pretty balanced. Sure there are some people who are just flat out unapproachably crazy, but most criminals aren't complete sociopaths and feel they had a really good reason for what they did and thus have no reason to hold anything against you in particular, so why shouldn't you all just get along and try to pass the time as quickly and painlessly as possible?
That's how the vast majority of people in there are, I found.
May 29th, 2009 at 07:02 am
best way NOT to get ass fuck is to NOT do a crime (duh)
May 29th, 2009 at 08:07 am
If I was going to jail for life I'd just murder everyone I could to be put in solitary. Better then ass rape in my opinion.
May 29th, 2009 at 09:21 am
just pay everybody off. if ur stupid (but rich), better get ur outside connections straight before incarcerating yourself.
be the BOSS.
money is boss.
no inmate is stupid enough to take ass-rape over money.
May 29th, 2009 at 09:26 am
My dad is a dentist in a few different prisons and says if you follow the rules you will be fine. But no matter what if you are in for a crime against a child you are fucked. And for the guy that said offer a bj and bit it off, my dad makes dentures for those guys all the time and every inmate wants a bj from the guy with no teeth.
May 29th, 2009 at 01:01 pm
Freaking Celeb sex scandals
May 29th, 2009 at 12:57 pm
Then u may also interested in Black in prison fuck the white chick
May 29th, 2009 at 01:39 pm
I would concur w/this statement -
and much about prison is overblown (no pun intended)
in the media and therefore in people's minds.
"Anyone who has actually been to prison knows that 95% of this post is not only bullshit, but really dangerous advice to follow. If you are ever put in there for any decent length of time you'll learn pretty fast that things like rape and getting your ass kicked are really nothing to worry about as long as you aren't being a little bitch and pissing people off. Its very much like high school. You have the badasses who like to fuck with you and the losers who get fucked with. If you can find a way to make it no longer fun for the badasses to fuck with you, then you're fine. Besides, the longing to get out is far worse than any beating could ever be.
I actually found that in prison most people are pretty balanced. Sure there are some people who are just flat out unapproachably crazy, but most criminals aren't complete sociopaths and feel they had a really good reason for what they did and thus have no reason to hold anything against you in particular, so why shouldn't you all just get along and try to pass the time as quickly and painlessly as possible?
That's how the vast majority of people in there are, I found."
May 30th, 2009 at 04:36 pm
It's started up pretty funny and a little gay. But then it turned creepy and very, very gay. Way to fuck up a funny article by overkilling the rape joke.
May 30th, 2009 at 11:00 pm
Just thought i'd point out that the logic of
showers = getting raped.....and less showers = less rape is flawed. You mixed up sufficiency with necessity
the correct reverse logic would be
less getting raped = less showers.
I'm taking my LSAT soon, so i've got the logic stuff down pat..lol...kthxbye
June 1st, 2009 at 11:53 am
I think the author of this "article" wrote it with one hand down his pants. The back of his pants.
dood... if you ever had a funny bone in your body it was when I was fucking you in the ass.
See? That was funny. You are not. Try writing about something you know something about, because this lame piece of crap, by itself, will get you fucked in the ass, in prison. Repeatedly.
I'm serious. If you ever make a misstep and wind up in prison, kiss your anus goodbye because it will never be the same again. You'll be known as that guy who thinks ass-rape is funny... only you won't be laughing.
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