a very special guest column by Johnny Wickham
As a person who got into a lot of trouble as a kid, nothing worries me more than what a normal, everyday person would have to do to survive prison. Prison seems kind of like church camp: You don’t know how you got there, you just want to go home, and everyone is crazy, but instead of scripture being pounded into you, it’s shivs and penises. So how can you survive prison, a place where rape is an everyday occurrence for a 20-something, upper-middle class, soft, fresh boy-fish? A few simple steps will help ensure that you make it out of the Big House with your life, and at least some of your dignity, still intact.
Learn the “Bid’ness”
Prison systems have their own economy. If you are able to manage your finances outside of the Big House, then you already know the basic principles that can help you to succeed in the Pen. Of course, there are some subtle differences: in the real world, people exchange money for goods and services. In prison, currencies called “cigarettes” and “drugs” are exchanged for “blowjobs” and “legal advice”. Your best bet, as a soft young boy who wants to avoid blowjobs as much as possible, will be to head to the prison library, pronto. Spend all of your free time reading up on legal matters, specifically those that pertain to “getting someone out of the slammer”.
This practice will benefit you in two ways: first, you’ll be able to exchange "legal advice" to other inmates for "cigarettes" or "drugs", which you can then exchange for "protection" and “not getting raped as much”. Furthermore, you don’t tend to sweat much when you’re in the library all day, which means that you won’t have to shower as much, and showering less equals getting raped less. That’s just basic prison math, as illustrated below:
Don’t Get Killed
Survival will be your first and foremost priority, and what better way to ensure your survival than by creating an important, necessary role for yourself right away? As sure as there are gangs in prison, there will be another soft young boy there that is only alive because he tells tons of funny jokes and is good at getting raped. This guy will be easy to spot: he’ll be the one without tattoos, his hair will be nicely combed, and in between his daily savage rapes, he’ll be surrounded by a group of laughing inmates, telling jokes to them at a pace that rivals an old-skool Robin Williams.
This guy is your competition. There’s only room for one funny guy. Both of you know this. Eventually, there’s going to be a huge, epic showdown-type prison fight between the two of you. You must kill him and rise to power, thus becoming the guy that’s good at getting raped and telling tons of funny jokes. It’s the only way you’ll come out alive.
Be A Good Rape Victim
Let’s just face the facts: your soft, supple skin is going to be irresistible to the rest of the prison population. Rape is unavoidable. You’re the closest thing to a woman most of these guys have seen in years, so you’d better get used to getting raped. In fact, you’d better get damn good at it. You’re probably thinking, “What!? Get good at being raped? I’d shit my pants everyday, so that no one would want to rape me!”
Before you jump straight to pants-shitting tactics, remember this age-old prison adage: "A little doo-doo in the pants does not a rape deter." Basically, it means that you’re probably going to get raped no matter what, so don’t fight it. If you’re getting raped, you definitely don’t want to prolong the experience by complaining or crying or passing out, thus becoming a bad lay. When it comes to prison sex, a figurative “dead fish” quickly becomes a literal “dead fish”, so your best bet at survival will be to simply f*&k him back. Communication is important. Ask him what he likes, and then cater to his needs. A little romance never hurt anything either. Soft, romantic music can often times turn a brutal savage rape, into a gentler, more intimate savage rape.
Of course, the easiest way to avoid an epic prison fail is to avoid going to prison altogether, but if you must go to prison, following these few tips will help you to survive any prison stint, whether it be 5 to 10 or straight up 69.