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How To Survive in Prison

a very special guest column by Johnny Wickham
 
As a person who got into a lot of trouble as a kid, nothing worries me more than what a normal, everyday person would have to do to survive prison. Prison seems kind of like church camp: You don’t know how you got there, you just want to go home, and everyone is crazy, but instead of scripture being pounded into you, it’s shivs and penises.  So how can you survive prison, a place where rape is an everyday occurrence for a 20-something, upper-middle class, soft, fresh boy-fish?  A few simple steps will help ensure that you make it out of the Big House with your life, and at least some of your dignity, still intact.
 
 
 
Learn the “Bid’ness”

Prison systems have their own economy.  If you are able to manage your finances outside of the Big House, then you already know the basic principles that can help you to succeed in the Pen. Of course, there are some subtle differences:  in the real world, people exchange money for goods and services.  In prison, currencies called “cigarettes” and “drugs” are exchanged for “blowjobs” and “legal advice”.  Your best bet, as a soft young boy who wants to avoid blowjobs as much as possible, will be to head to the prison library, pronto.  Spend all of your free time reading up on legal matters, specifically those that pertain to “getting someone out of the slammer”. 

 
 
This practice will benefit you in two ways: first, you’ll be able to exchange "legal advice" to other inmates for "cigarettes" or "drugs", which you can then exchange for "protection" and “not getting raped as much”.  Furthermore, you don’t tend to sweat much when you’re in the library all day, which means that you won’t have to shower as much, and showering less equals getting raped less.  That’s just basic prison math, as illustrated below:
 
 

Don’t Get Killed

Survival will be your first and foremost priority, and what better way to ensure your survival than by creating an important, necessary role for yourself right away?  As sure as there are gangs in prison, there will be another soft young boy there that is only alive because he tells tons of funny jokes and is good at getting raped. This guy will be easy to spot: he’ll be the one without tattoos, his hair will be nicely combed, and in between his daily savage rapes, he’ll be surrounded by a group of laughing inmates, telling jokes to them at a pace that rivals an old-skool Robin Williams.

 
 
This guy is your competition. There’s only room for one funny guy.  Both of you know this.  Eventually, there’s going to be a huge, epic showdown-type prison fight between the two of you. You must kill him and rise to power, thus becoming the guy that’s good at getting raped and telling tons of funny jokes. It’s the only way you’ll come out alive.
 
 
 
Be A Good Rape Victim

Let’s just face the facts: your soft, supple skin is going to be irresistible to the rest of the prison population. Rape is unavoidable. You’re the closest thing to a woman most of these guys have seen in years, so you’d better get used to getting raped.  In fact, you’d better get damn good at it. You’re probably thinking, “What!? Get good at being raped? I’d shit my pants everyday, so that no one would want to rape me!”

 
 
Before you jump straight to pants-shitting tactics, remember this age-old prison adage: "A little doo-doo in the pants does not a rape deter."  Basically, it means that you’re probably going to get raped no matter what, so don’t fight it.  If you’re getting raped, you definitely don’t want to prolong the experience by complaining or crying or passing out, thus becoming a bad lay. When it comes to prison sex, a figurative “dead fish” quickly becomes a literal “dead fish”, so your best bet at survival will be to simply f*&k him back. Communication is important. Ask him what he likes, and then cater to his needs. A little romance never hurt anything either.  Soft, romantic music can often times turn a brutal savage rape, into a gentler, more intimate savage rape.
 
 
Of course, the easiest way to avoid an epic prison fail is to avoid going to prison altogether, but if you must go to prison, following these few tips will help you to survive any prison stint, whether it be 5 to 10 or straight up 69.
 

 

64 Responses to "How To Survive in Prison"

  1. FAH Q says:

    whoever wrote this article is obviously a homo. go to prison and suck all the dick you want, faggot.

  2. M-Town says:

    Hey! We can all admit there has been a time we have wanked our willy wankers to something we probably shouldn’t have.

  3. Anonymous says:

    He probably tried to kill a cow in India…thats could explain the number of years he has to serve, he’s lucky it wasn’t life without the possibility of parole.

  4. Anonymous says:

    Just thought i’d point out that the logic of

    showers = getting raped…..and less showers = less rape is flawed. You mixed up sufficiency with necessity

    the correct reverse logic would be
    less getting raped = less showers.

    I’m taking my LSAT soon, so i’ve got the logic stuff down pat..lol…kthxbye

  5. Anonymous says:

    maybe if you learned how to be good at life you wouldn’t have to rob and if you learned how to rob you have to take dick like a man way to literally suck dick

  6. Anonymous says:

    My dad is a dentist in a few different prisons and says if you follow the rules you will be fine. But no matter what if you are in for a crime against a child you are fucked. And for the guy that said offer a bj and bit it off, my dad makes dentures for those guys all the time and every inmate wants a bj from the guy with no teeth.

  7. Anonymous says:

    just pay everybody off. if ur stupid (but rich), better get ur outside connections straight before incarcerating yourself.

    be the BOSS.

    money is boss.

    no inmate is stupid enough to take ass-rape over money.

  8. Thinker says:

    I would get a huge tattoo saying “Don’t think of your Mom!” on my back. The old reverse psychology trick.

    That could get some weird reactions though. If someone in prison reads this please try it out and let me know how it went.

  9. Anonymous says:

    i think that u should jus bend over n take it like a man, n if that doesnt wrk switch it up n take the lead. that wat when your behind u can stick sumthin sharp n no one will mess wit u.
    yea i was in prison for 7 yrs for attempted robbery

  10. sock monkey man says:

    Familiarize yourself with the local economy.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K2IYIJc1f00

    1:25 in says it all.

    Best onion vid yet. the bottom feed is even better than the dialogue.

  11. Kello says:

    Then u may also interested in Black in prison fuck the white chick

  12. Anonymous says:

    I think the author of this “article” wrote it with one hand down his pants. The back of his pants.

    dood… if you ever had a funny bone in your body it was when I was fucking you in the ass.

    See? That was funny. You are not. Try writing about something you know something about, because this lame piece of crap, by itself, will get you fucked in the ass, in prison. Repeatedly.

    I’m serious. If you ever make a misstep and wind up in prison, kiss your anus goodbye because it will never be the same again. You’ll be known as that guy who thinks ass-rape is funny… only you won’t be laughing.

  13. Anonymous says:

    best way NOT to get ass fuck is to NOT do a crime (duh)

  14. Mudbutt says:

    ATTEMPTED robbery. You didn’t even get the job done. No wonder you like to take it up the ass.

  15. Anonymous says:

    very few rapes and even less fights that shit get your ass in more trouble with the co’s who the fuck you trying to fool I would like to see his in lock down.

  16. joe w says:

    maybe if you learned how to rob you wouldn’t have to take dick like a man way to literally suck dick at life

  17. Anonymous says:

    I don’t know if they will take the offer, but just offer a BJ if someone tries to sodomize you. Then when you get the cock in your mouth bite down as hard as you can and attempt to rip it off. Probably be seen as too crazy after that to be raped. I always just assumed this is what I would do.

  18. Denver FTW says:

    If I was going to jail for life I’d just murder everyone I could to be put in solitary. Better then ass rape in my opinion.

  19. LJ says:

    You gotta join a gang! you dropped the ball on that one taco bitches

  20. Anonymous says:

    This post fails

  21. TrillVille says:

    It’s started up pretty funny and a little gay. But then it turned creepy and very, very gay. Way to fuck up a funny article by overkilling the rape joke.

  22. Anonymous says:

    Anyone who has actually been to prison knows that 95% of this post is not only bullshit, but really dangerous advice to follow. If you are ever put in there for any decent length of time you’ll learn pretty fast that things like rape and getting your ass kicked are really nothing to worry about as long as you aren’t being a little bitch and pissing people off. Its very much like high school. You have the badasses who like to fuck with you and the losers who get fucked with. If you can find a way to make it no longer fun for the badasses to fuck with you, then you’re fine. Besides, the longing to get out is far worse than any beating could ever be.

    I actually found that in prison most people are pretty balanced. Sure there are some people who are just flat out unapproachably crazy, but most criminals aren’t complete sociopaths and feel they had a really good reason for what they did and thus have no reason to hold anything against you in particular, so why shouldn’t you all just get along and try to pass the time as quickly and painlessly as possible?

    That’s how the vast majority of people in there are, I found.

  23. Anonymous says:

    Freaking Celeb sex scandals

  24. Hobbcore says:

    Maybe it would be a good idea to trade cigarettes for KY

  25. todders says:

    You know who won’t last long in prison? This drunk bastard:

    http://www.digitalfuntown.com/videos/168

  26. Buddy Ice says:

    This reminds me of a joke:

    A young white man gets sent to prison. He gets his jumpsuit, blankets, and his cell. As soon as the guard leaves his big, black, monster cellmate stands up and says: “We’re gonna play house, you want to be the mommy or the daddy?” Well the white thinks, “this guy must think I’m stupid” and blurts out “I’m going to be the daddy”. To which his cellmate replies, “OK, then come over here and suck mommy’s dick.”

  27. wally says:

    Has this guy ever gone to prison?

    His insight is way the fuck off.

  28. not Annonymous says:

    Whoa holytaco, this post leads me to believe you used to really like that HBO show OZ and that you probably like to wank to it too.

  29. Anonymous says:

    You attempted to murder beef? 8 years sounds high…

  30. Jinx says:

    Well…I’m looking at 8+ for an attempted murder beef. My trial starts June 22nd. So thank you for the timely advice. At least yours isnt costing me $300 an hour!

  31. Anonymous says:

    I would concur w/this statement -
    and much about prison is overblown (no pun intended)
    in the media and therefore in people’s minds.

    “Anyone who has actually been to prison knows that 95% of this post is not only bullshit, but really dangerous advice to follow. If you are ever put in there for any decent length of time you’ll learn pretty fast that things like rape and getting your ass kicked are really nothing to worry about as long as you aren’t being a little bitch and pissing people off. Its very much like high school. You have the badasses who like to fuck with you and the losers who get fucked with. If you can find a way to make it no longer fun for the badasses to fuck with you, then you’re fine. Besides, the longing to get out is far worse than any beating could ever be.

    I actually found that in prison most people are pretty balanced. Sure there are some people who are just flat out unapproachably crazy, but most criminals aren’t complete sociopaths and feel they had a really good reason for what they did and thus have no reason to hold anything against you in particular, so why shouldn’t you all just get along and try to pass the time as quickly and painlessly as possible?

    That’s how the vast majority of people in there are, I found.”

  32. Anonymous says:

    This I know for sure I don’t belive for on second this mf has ever been in the prison system cause he would not be talking like this .This mf saw someting on tv and thought nobody was watching. This cocksucker has never slept in the joint.Not in my house fucking joke

  33. Anonymous says:

    OK, so, like … wouldn’t the obvious solution be to, like … never wipe your ass?

  34. Anonymous says:

    learn grammar and sentence structure

  35. Anonymous says:

    At least he is trying to contribute. Why don’t you use grammar correctly before you criticize others’ use of it. The beginning of a sentence has a capital letter, when you are done, you add a period.

  36. Hood Mane says:

    I BEEN 2 PRISON, AND AIN’T NONE OF THAT SHIT HAPPEN. ACT LIKE A BITCH GET TREATED LIKE A BITCH. SIMPLE. THIS DUDE A STR8 UP LIL BOY 4REAL. FUCKIN PUNK.

  37. Anonymous says:

    I actually have a portrait of me shoving razor blades into my asshole with a baseball bat on my back. This suggests that my butt is blown out and will cut you. I deal narcotics and got this tattoo in preparation of the worst.

  38. snoopy says:

    that is definitely the strangest comment i have ever read on the internet. and that’s saying a lot…

  39. pratik says:

    bash.org has some stuff that will beat that comment.

  40. Skummer says:

    And don’t even try the old,”I have AIDs.” trick. Half the dudes in the slammer (pun intended) have heard that one. The other half will be like “Me too”. Either way, you’re taking a pounding. You’ll probably want to go with a more exotic, or made up disease. Try: “I think I got the Ebola.” or “You really don’t want my case of Penisharts.”

  41. Chilly Chill says:

    kinda wierd post.

  42. Thatguypete says:

    What about the eye-twitching, crazy-guy defense? You know, anyone comes near you and you start screaming about squirrels and shit. That’s what I would do. I’m also practicing anal clenching…

  43. plasticjesus says:

    you must not be catholic

  44. Zepode says:

    “Prison seems kind of like church camp: You don’t know how you got there, you just want to go home, and everyone is crazy, but instead of scripture being pounded into you, it’s shivs and penises.”

    No, actually, that sounds a lot like my church camp. Especially the penises.

  45. Cytrode says:

    Work out and get offensive body tattoos now, and you’ll have an easier time in prison. Fewer people will mess with you if you’re the buff guy with the devil raping a keebler elf on your chest.

  46. Me says:

    Awesome! Already got the tattoo!

  47. Pierre says:

    thanks for the lolz

  48. Kage says:

    OMG! this is the worst advice ever! Its a nightmare that can come true if you F up in the world.
    And WTF! the shit your pants drill wont work! all hope is lost

    Kg

  49. TimmyIsEvil says:

    Prepare to eat your own shit off the rapers dick!!

  50. BeenThereWroteThat says:

    Wow – I think I’d like to see the comments first and then maybe read the story… the more imaginative of you should write an article of posts – anyhow – for the real deal check it: http://www.surviveprisonjail.com – also gives away info on how to get out of speeding tickets and DWI’s

  51. JM says:

    Sorry, but in REALITY, the only guys that get raped are the ones that LET it happen. Sure this is a funny post but seriously, you make it the biggest pain in the ass for them (not literally) they will find better targets. You may end up in the prison hospital a couple times but your asshole will be intact. Probably not so much your face or teeth but…

  52. AB4ever666 says:

    You are 100% right. Don’t be a bitch or start shit with anyone, keep to yourself and if someone tries to fuck with you (and they will) hit them first and hit em hard. You may get your ass beat a few times, but it will earn you some much needed respect and people will learn that if they wanna fuck with u, it ain’t gonna be easy. I served 5 years and the only time someone tried to fuck with me was in my first week, at lunch and they got a tray to the head repeatedly. Never touched me. I paid for it with 30 days in solitary but nobody tried that shit anymore, and the guy I hit actually ended up being an ok guy after a while.

  53. anonymurderer says:

    i wanted to post something comical here. prison is a bitch.

  54. Pierre says:

    well, i for one appreciate the insight

  55. Anonymous says:

    There are some fucked up people here…

  56. WOW says:

    That’s because you’re one of the fucked up people, frenchy.

  57. Tyler says:

    Yup

  58. Anonymous says:

    To survive in prison you have to RAPE the biggest dude there, it puts everyone in their place. Prison is pretty much a rape totem pole.

  59. Chester Himes says:

    why didn’t my comments make it on

  60. Chester Himes says:

    So basically what you’re saying is that if I use cheaper ingredients and fillers I’ll make more money?

    If I had a dollar for every year I’ve spent in prison I could buy a fillet of fish and a new nose ring.

    Do you have aunt nancy’s e-mail address?

    Look up Chester Himes on wikipedia. It’s not a joke name.

  61. Been There says:

    The weak will be preyed upon.

    I agree with the comment about hitting first right away and showing you got balls. If your lucky enough to be out on the street and are risking going to prison everyday….then start training. Learning how to break joints and bones quickly would also be beneficial. Practice leg blows as well for those Big Fuckers in there. Only about 4 lbs of pressure is needed to bust up a knee on one of those Big Fuckers. I personally never really had a problem with those big fuckers, its the cut tattooed muscled up guy you watch for. Beleive me the 60 days in solitary was worth it knowing the fucker who wanted to fuck my ass was crippled for life. NO ONE FUCKED WITH ME EVER AFTER THAT.

  62. Anonymous1 says:

    I know someone that spent 5 years in prison for selling acid. And I asked them whats the true deal with prison if he wasn’t tramatized by it (u know what I mean).. he said, Listen Man it’s a very easy concept. First Week Someone IS going to fuck with you at one point. You stand up for yourself and Knock someone out or at least fight that will be the end of it. I said “That’s it?” He said look it at from Their point of view.. Why Go and Fuck With Rayon when he’ll fight back but the other guy down the in the other cell WONT fight back. Pretty Simple The Bitches wanna be the bitches.

  63. ruckuss says:

    join the aryan brotherhood

  64. Dat Dude says:

    This guy is such a bi*ch. With his mentality no wonder he got raped. Ide rape him!