If you live in Los Angeles, there’s a good chance that this is what you’re staring at throughout the day, while you’re sitting at home doing "freelance work". Most of Southern California is on fire right now, and some people are wondering: what if that fire comes into the city? What if Los Angeles starts burning?! How will I ever survive?!! Well fear not, crazy people who actually think that this scenario might be possible, because if your city catches on fire, surviving is as easy as these five simple steps:
Step 1: Get Some Transportation and Weapons
If you’re going to get anywhere during a disaster scenario, you’re going to need some wheels. Sure, you can take your ’94 Accord if you want, but why not use the confusion from the ensuing chaos to trade in for a better ride? In most situations, you’ll want to opt for the largest vehicle possible. Larger vehicles mean less stopping for obstacles along the way, like abandoned cars, rubble, downed aircraft and signs, and hordes of crazy people. It’s also a good idea to get a weapon of some sort, in case you have to proceed on foot at any point. Luckily, anything can be considered a weapon if you use it correctly. Whether it’s a gun or a table leg, wrapping it in barbed wire will make it look cooler, and add some much-needed functionality.
Y’know how, in all those disaster movies, there’s always the normal, everyday guy who meets up with a super-hot chick who’s some kind of expert in whatever the major threat is? Well, art imitates life. Those movies are probably put together like that because that’s how it actually happens. In this particular disaster scenario, you should be on the lookout for the super-hot firefighter babe. You and this babe will team up for the duration of the disaster scenario, and you’ll probably end up falling in love at the end of it, so if you have a girlfriend, you should get rid of her along the way.
Step 3: Pick Up a Party Sub
Your first stop on the road to survival should be a grocery store, a Subway Restaurant, or any other fine sandwich-selling establishment that offers sub sandwiches of the 6-foot party variety. The party sub will prove to be your best friend in a survival situation. Firstly, it’s got all five major food groups right in it (tomatoes are a fruit, remember?). Secondly, it comes pre-wrapped, and it’s very easy to re-wrap. Thirdly, have you ever had one of those party subs? Those things never run out! It’ll easily last 3-5 days before it starts to go bad, and they’ll have the city under control by then for sure. Plus, a party sub is pretty easy to transport, even in spite of it’s comically large size. It can easily be stuffed down the leg of a pant, or in the back of the shirt, sword-style, if you need to use both hands for something. Basically, it’s the ultimate survival food.
Step 4: Overcome Your Reluctance to Murder
In a disaster scenario like this one people tend to go crazy, and crazy people, while highly entertaining, are usually a major liability. The main obstacle in your mission won’t be the fire itself. If you’re any good at not dying, you’ll be ahead of the flames. Your obstacle is going to be all the crazy dickheads who don’t have a plan, because these people will try to take what you have for themselves. In this case, you’ll have a bus, a weapon, a party sub, and a hot firefighter chick, so you’re going to be a high-priority target. Don’t allow yourself or any of your possessions to fall into their hands, and don’t ever EVER team up with them, under any circumstances. Remember: it’s always better to kill all the crazy people than to become a crazy person yourself.
Step 5: Stand About Waist-Deep in the Ocean and Wait
Finally, you’ve made it to the end of your journey! The hard part is over, and now all you have to do is carry our your brilliant master plan. Once you’ve made it to the ocean, take your party sub, your weapon, and your hot firefighter chick, walk out into the ocean until you’re about waist-deep, and stand there. This is the absolute safest place to be when your city is on fire. You’re surrounded on all sides by water and sand. It’s like standing in a giant puddle in the middle of an enormous ashtray. There’s no way the fire can get to you. It’ll probably take a few days for the government to gain control of the fire and the crazy people who you haven’t killed. This is where the party sub comes in: as long as you keep it wrapped and hold it up out of the water, it should be more than sufficient for sustaining you and the hot firefighter babe for the duration of the disaster. Then, when it’s over, simply walk ashore and claim your rightfully earned title of "Smartest Person in New Los Angleles".