Recently, the FBI apprehended 10 suspects accused of being dastardly Russian spies. So far, there has been no mention of James Bond’s involvement in exposing these spies, but seeing as at least one of them is a pretty good looking chick, one can only logically assume that if James Bond is involved then he’s already had sex with her and saved her from falling out of a flying helicopter.
But this news raises some fear-mongering questions like, should Americans fear Russians? Should we walk by Russian delis while giving the people inside the stink eye? Is there even such a thing as a Russian deli, or is it something we just made-up because we couldn’t think of anything Russian other than salad dressing? The answers to these questions is yes, because we’re America – thinking everyone of a single race or nationality is “evil” simply because one small contingent acted dickish is what we do, and we do it better than anyone else in the developed world. If you argue otherwise, we’ll call you a freedom hater and hate everyone that looks like you.
All fear-mongering aside, let’s drum-up some more fear-mongering with this list of ways to you’ll be able to tell if you’re neighbors are Russian spies.
Vodka
As we’ve seen in countless films and TV shows, Russians love their vodka. Ergo, anyone that buys vodka should be treated like a villain of the highest order. If you’re having at party and a buddy that you’ve known for well over a decade shows up with a bottle of vodka that is to be shared with everyone, then give him or her a red, white, and blue punch in the ear to discombobulate them, then accuse them of being a commie for not attempting to bogart the drunk juice.
They may argue that you’re crazy and very, very drunk, and while they may be very right on both accounts, in your mind, you’re just taking a precaution.
Gadgets
We’ve all seen the Bond movies. We all know the score. If you see a person in possession of technology that you don’t have, then he may be a Russian spy. This is the only logical assumption, seeing as Russia is currently pouring millions of dollars in to creating technology that can outwit us (this is 1963, right?).
If you’re stuck with a cell phone from 2005 – one of those phones that takes pictures with a quality that rivals pinhole cameras – then you may want to be on the lookout for people with those futuristic phones that have screens that can be manipulated by touch. You know what they say, “If it’s a touch screen phone, it’s probably also a nuclear detonator.”
These Hats…
We have no clue what these hats are called, and neither should you. Simply knowing the name is like walking yourself in to a gulag, which is another thing you should keep yourself ignorant of.
But one must express a level of caution when one spots a person wearing one of these hats. America has a very precious stockpile of hipsters that may sport these suckers in the interest of looking “cool” and “trendy” and “very much like a totally asshole.” We need not persecute our hipster collective for wearing one of these, for there are much better reasons to persecute hipsters, like this picture…
Seriously? What the f*ck is that thing around that dude’s neck? What an asshole.
Mail-Order Brides
If one day your neighbor is a sad sack of man, then the next he has a gorgeous Russian bade latched to his side, it’s probably safe to assume two things: 1) your neighbor is rich, has a lot of disposable income, and just wants to get laid; and 2) that girl is a Ruski here to learn everything she can about the arrangement of your lawn, and they brand of mower you use so she can take this information back to the Motherland and aid in the battle against America’s infrastructure.
Sure, it may seem frivolous and stupid at first, but think about it. First, they attack your daffodils and lilies, then they try to implant nanomachines in our drinking water to make use think communism is glorious and Yakov Smirnoff is should have his own CBS sitcom.
The moral of the story is this, folks: we must fear the Russians, but we must not give in to fear-mongering. So be afraid, just don’t make other people afraid when you warn them about the nanomachines thing.
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the dude with the uh thing around his neck is really a woman. look for the indentations of the breasts in her shirt.
the last pic, its a craftsman mower and gas powered. I normally mow the front yard in a north to south movement while the backyard is an east to west movement. i hope this data can be of use to you.
Where’s my hat?
It’s a ushanka. I have a couple, from my grandfather. Second generation american, they thought my grandfather was a spy because he had a ham radio.
Obviously your grandfather was a spy.
Also, were Anna Chapman’s neighbors ignorant fools or rabid paranoid fear-mongers? If I was her neighbor I would have extorted blow jobs from her to keep her secret until she was forced to kill me (cause I’m the fear-monger type)
Three cheers for a RL sexy Russian spy.
Oh, I know! I know! Marxism!!!
also look out for hockey players. if you see one, he may be canadian but they’re just as bad (maybe worse). also, i love vodka and will probably keep drinking it.
Whoever wrote this article should be killed violently and slowly.