There have been little hints for a while now. Mysterious hang ups when you answer the phone. Repeated calls from the same number. She’s working late more and more often. And every so often, late at night, you roll over and you’re pretty sure she’s mid-coitus with a strange man. Yep, looks like she may be cheating on you. But how do you know 100% for sure? Maury. But failing that, Holy Taco has these surefire methods of figuring out if your special someone is doing that special thing to someone else’s special place and making you look like Special Ed.
Ballprints in the Butter – You know what it’s like when you come home from work and you’re still upset about that whole thing with Jenkins after lunch when he was trying to horn in on your ideas and you were all “Jenkins, what the f*ck?” and Jenkins gave you that goddamn smug smile that makes him look like a rat and if Mr. Avery wasn’t there you would have smacked his smart mouth with a stapler, but all you could do was try to sound smarter than the little bitch and it irked you the whole day? And then on the drive home you got stuck at that red light next to the bar where all the tranny hookers hang out, and the red lasts literally five minutes, so for five minutes you just had to sit there trying to ignore the three trannies who were asking if you wanted to taste some cock candy? And then you finally get home and all you want is to have a drink and make a sandwich and then you go into the fridge and there’s no beer left and the only Coke is already open, and the cheese was left unwrapped so it got that dark, chunky crust buildup that you hate, and when you grabbed the butter you could swear there was a perfect impression of a waxed scrotum in there, detailed wrinkles and all? That doesn’t happen by accident.
We had a Holy Taco intern head to a five star restaurant and the physics lab at Berkeley, the two places we figured would have the most advanced knowledge of scrotal imprints in butter, to see what conclusions they could draw from a scrotal imprint in butter and both chef and science confirmed that yes, if you come home and find ball marks in your butter, your wife probably was dunking balls in the butter. Maybe not even yours.
Penis Shaped Bruises on her Thighs and Back – You’d be surprised how often and how easily you can be talked out of noticing the obvious. Our own resident cuckold, Holy Taco editor Luis Prada, managed to be completely oblivious that his old lady was working the entire neighborhood for 6 months despite numerous wang impressions all over her. How did she cover? Here’s a highlight reel of some of her excuses;
• Hot dog fight at work
• Small elephant attack
• Ferris wheel accident
• Spontaneous low grade leprosy
• Post traumatic stress
• Prolapsed kidney
• Varicose veins
• Psychosomatic penis envy
Now we’re no doctors but some of those don’t even make sense. Luckily we know a doctor – he’s a chiropractor actually but he pretends that counts, and even he agrees that, at the very least, the last one needs to be used in a full sentence before it could possibly make sense.
When it’s all said and done, penis shaped bruises are almost exclusively caused by penises. Maybe not even yours.
Sometimes Has Babies of Unexpected Race – If years of watching daytime TV have given nothing to mankind and, let’s be honest, they haven’t, we can at least acknowledge them for producing venues for society’s refuse to vent there frustrations as it relates to issues of paternity, boot camp for kids and girls who wear clothing that is too revealing. And it’s that first point which is of special interest to us here. You may not need an expensive test to figure out if something is afoot in your relationship. In fact, for the price it’ll cost you to print this page, we may be able to save your life.
His here is hard science that’s hard to argue with. Galileo and Stephen Hawking together couldn’t make much of a case for this being anything other than what it looks like. And it looks like maybe Mr. Ho wasn’t coming over to teach Tai Chi at all. And maybe some pregnancies were happening at the hands of some crazy, uninvited sperms. Maybe not even yours.
Has Own Nudie Site – Have you ever used the internet? That’s a trick question, because this is the internet and you’re up to your nuts in it. We’ve used that expression on the site two days in a row now, because it carries a lot of weight. Nut height weight.
One of the most prolific kind of sites on the internet, aside from comedy sites run by ex-dishwashers, are amateur porn sites. Normally we’d explain a little further but c’mon. We all know better. Anyway, with that in mind, it would forgivable, even prudent, if you were to spend some time every few days trolling the internet for these sites as a research project. And maybe you’ll live your whole life and never stumble upon a site owned by anyone you’ve even seen from across the room. But maybe you’ll stumble on a site that features your significant other at the business end of a weiner conga line. Maybe not even yours.
Maury Tells You So – Sometimes you need to call in the big guns and there are no bigger guns when it comes to airing your mistrustful and dysfunctional dirty laundry before an audience than Maury. Getting Maury to serve as a relationship counselor is like getting a drug dealer to manage your child’s allergies. Too abstruse? It’s like hiring a Victorian factory owner to babysit your children. Still no good? Alright, bullet list;
• It’s like appointing the chairman of Nike to oversee 3rd World employment initiatives
• It’s like learning vegan cooking from a 300lb Texas cattle rancher
• It’s like getting Goebbels to explain a Woody Allen movie to you.
• It’s like a Hooters waitress on “take your daughter to work” day explaining to her daughter how she can be an astronaut
• It’s like Kim Jong-il teaching. Anything.
• It’s like Gary Busey telling you to calm down and get your shit together.
• It’s like the cast of Jersey Shore curing cancer.
• It’s like David Hasselhoff giving you singing lessons.
Point is, shit doesn’t make sense. Not at all. But anyway, Maury can at least get you to spit in a cup and then tell you in front of a crowd of hooting sub-humans that your life partner has banged at least 25 different people more than 10 times. That’s something special.
It wouldn’t make sense to end this portion by saying “maybe not even yours.”