How to Threaten a Coworker

We live in a bit of a soft-cornered age. An age of helmets and general pussification. Is that a bad thing? Maybe not, we have penicillin and strip clubs and other things that prevent slow, painful deaths so that ain’t bad. On the other hand, we’re all expected to be pleasant, non-confrontational types when dealing with others face to face. Sexual harassment is no longer kosher, neither is stealing your neighbors goats or punching nuns. It’s a mixed bag.

Despite all the alleged upsides of the modern world, the downsides are many. And they breed frustration. If you’ve ever been on the internet, and statistics say there’s a 57% chance you have, you’ll notice most people are hate filled and suffering from some manner of technological Asperger’s. For instance, look at the comments on every single article on this website. If you didn’t know better you’d think we were cursing your mother with every word we wrote. But the truth is it’s the oppression of the outside world that people come to the virtual world to vent, whether that be by watching goatse remixes or by anonymously calling comedy writers dick faced idiots. No one at Holy Taco is an idiot. But we understand what you mean.

Eventually, no amount of message board shitting will save you from exploding. One day you’re going to lose it to someone’s face and when you do, by God, you better make it good. If you can spend all day online calling total strangers ass pirates in 50 different ways, you can work up some good insults and threats for the people who cross you in your day to day life. And if you can’t, then take some inspiration from us.

Go Old School

“You’ll regret this,” is the worst threat you can ever make because it has no balls whatsoever. People don’t take it seriously unless you have a history of being the guy with the lazy eye who cuts himself. If that’s not you, you need a better approach. And history has shown us that everything awful was more awful 100 years ago.

“I know how to get my hands on cholera,” is a more effective threat, because who wants cholera? Do you even know what cholera does to you? Probably the person you’re threatening doesn’t, either. They just know two things – they don’t want it and if you know where to get it, you’re f*cked up.

Homage Threats

Some of the best threats come to us from our most famous crazies. Remember when Mike Tyson was still big? He once threatened to eat a man’s children. Can you even fathom what it would take to get you to the point where you’d say that out loud to another human being? And can you even imagine what you’d do if someone said it to you?

Obviously you’ll not be holding a press conference full of bluster, but that’s to your advantage. Calling someone on the phone to quickly let them know that if they don’t cut out whatever shit is bothering you, you’ll eat their children, is far more effective. Worried about repercussions? Don’t be. If you get called in to see the boss, all you need to say is “didn’t Mike Tyson say that like 10 years ago? That’s insane.” And suddenly this other guy has to worry about his job and you eating his kids.

Left Field

The art of threatening others has long been lost due to our civility. You’ll say something like “I’ll kick your ass” and even if you mean it, meh, there’s no style. It doesn’t put fear into the heart of the ass kickee because it’s just too pedestrian and mundane.

Threats of violence and ruin have been all the rage since the 1950s and as such have been pretty much exhausted. A superior course of action is to think outside the box. For instance “I will shit glass right on your desk” is both unexpected and, quite honestly, far more terrifying than simply threatening a beating. Would you rather get punched in the face or see some shit glass? Think about it.