Explore Holy Taco

How to Tell the Difference Between Mormons and Zombies

mormon zombies

Don’t you hate it when you’ve just sat down for dinner and you’re about to savor that first delicious sporkful of creamed spinach and tuna when your reverie is smashed by a knock upon the door? So you grunt your way out of the easy chair, pause your DVR’d episode of Iron Chef and head to the door only to discover it’s either a zombie or a Mormon? Seriously, that’s bullshit. And not just because they interrupted your meal, but because what now? Do you need to destroy someone’s brain or just say you’re already devout? It’s a tough call and if you make the wrong one you could end up spending every Sunday for the next year at a church full of friggin’ zombies. Have you ever been to zombie church? It completely sucks. All the hymns are moans and the host is usually feet. Gross feet.

Lucky for you, Holy Taco is all about making sure you don’t fall prey to zombies or evangelicals any time soon, which is why we created this handy guide to tell them apart, along with a few suggestions for how to handle each.

Know Your Sidewalk Shuffler: Sometimes it’s hard to tell if you’re dealing with a zombie or a Mormon. Know the differences!

zombie

mormons

zombies

mormos

zombie

mormons

zombie

mormons

zombies

Points of Caution: From time to time zombies and Mormons will display similar behaviors. Watch for subtle clues as, in these situations, it’s hard to determine who’s who.

zombies

zombies

chloe sevigny

Handling Methods: There are a handful of solutions when dealing with zombies or Mormons, choose as the situation dictates.

 
shotgun
 
 
islam
 
fire
 
courtney love
 
You’re as equipped as any post-apocalyptic crusader can hope to be.  Go forth and be prepared.

36 Responses to "How to Tell the Difference Between Mormons and Zombies"

  1. Utahdave says:

    Voj, we’ll die in a fire after you have been tarred and feathered a few times.

  2. Casper del la Rosa says:

    I am a zombie and I personally find it offensive that you have compared us to that wacko cult. We may be different from your white bred interpretation of what is right and wrong, but this is just ignorance on your part. We need to consume human brains in order to survive! What other choice do we have? It’s not like we can adopt a vegan diet and completely cut human brains out of our daily consumption.

    Mormons, on the other hand, aren’t discriminated against for the food they consume, but rather because their religion is a more obvious fraud than Islam. Joseph Smith “interpreted” an “ancient” “golden tablet” into 16th Century English reminiscent of a King James Bible. Further, they, as a group have slaughtered many innocent people (true story…look it up).

  3. Mormon says:

    I’m mormon and I thought it was really funny. I’ve been reading fortey for awhile now though. I cringed a little at the polygamy thing, but whatever, it’s just a joke. At least now people won’t confuse me for a zombie anymore.

  4. Ian Fortey says:
    Well that’s not very Christian.
  5. Voj says:

    screw you all. do your research before you post something like this.

    I’m a Mormon, and you can just die in a fire.

  6. bpratte says:

    I am a full blown Mormon. since birth.
    and I thought that was hilarious.
    It’s a funny comparison and we don’t need to worry if it’s not 100% on the money.
    Last I checked their aren’t zombies available to do accurate study.

  7. AnonyJim says:

    Yeah. We zombies are absolutely outraged at this comparison. Unthinkable. Uh, I mean,… BrrAAAAAAAAinnnnnssssss…

  8. Friend says:

    This is not funny, making fun of a group of people is insensitive. I’m not one, but my best friend is a Zombie. And yes, while most of the comparisons made are true. The way you go about them is disgusting. There are Zombies who are well dressed, who do practice polygamy and aren’t fooled by you turning you light out. Some do not even stand at your front door, they will choose a side door or window to make noises through. Insensitive sir, insensitive.

  9. I don't get it.... says:

    I always wonder why the Moromns are the most persecuted and targeted religion in the US? They seem to catch so much crap from everyone that doesn’t understand them. But then, so do the Amish and Jewish and now certainly the Muslims. It’s just sad that there is still a good number of folks that thrive on hurtful and ignorant postings like this. I have an idea…let’s make fun of cancer patients. Yeah, that’s it. Let’s compare cancer patients with zombies…I mean it’s even more relevant. You know…parts falling off…eventually they’ll die and have to go to hell or heaven and then I wonder if they’re cancer will affect them there…I’m really do have cancer and you know what??? I don’t think I’d find the cancer comparison funny…so lets try Down Syndrome…or maybe…just maybe one of you “haters” have some other kind of thing that we can make fun of. Let’s go after your mom and something that we don’t like about her…like giving birth to an absolute waste of a good abortion!

  10. Deep Thoughts says:

    One other thing…I find it interesting that those that sit and judge the Mormons for polygamy (a practice that is no longer supported by their religion and only highlighted by factions that have broken from the mainstream LDS religion) are also the same people that want to legalize gay marriage.One is like the other in that the “Bible” and “Religion” frown upon (putting it lightly) either. So let’s do this…free love, baby! Do what you ant to do as long as you don’t hurt anyone.

  11. Ashton Crueler says:

    Man, mormons aren’t polygamists… and they’re not that bad… they just try to help you out…

    Man, I hate people who don’t know jack about others and say shit… you peoples are ridiculous.

    And to think, i thought yall were funny.

  12. Warduke says:

    If you like Mormon Zombies, then you’ll love this movie!

    http://www.thebookofzombie.com

  13. Ian Fortey says:
    See, the thing is this – zombies aren’t real and Mormons aren’t a threat.  So the article was built on a preposterous notion that you need to be prepared to deal with both, and here’s how to tell the difference.  I think most people got that, but for those that didn’t, there it is.
  14. Funny says:

    I was raised Mormon and entire family is Mormon. I personally find this article to be hilarious. It’s just a joke people nothing to get all worked up about. I laughed out loud and had to immediately share this with my brother who served a 2 year “mission” in Honduras. Lighten up guys, I promise no one that is reading Holy Taco is using this article to base their beliefs about Mormons. Those that choose to hate made that choice long before this article. It is ok to look in the mirror and laugh at yourself every now and again.

  15. Seth R. says:

    I’m an active Mormon.

    And I actually thought this was pretty funny.

    Just sayin…

  16. yeahyeah says:

    Born and raised LDS here and I gotta say there’s some of you out there that have your panties in a serious bunch. Lighten up a bit, it was a joke. I’d guess the people here pitching a fit are the same variety that refuse to drink Coke. This holier than thou overly-righteous attitude is exactly why I’m NOT LDS anymore.

    BTW: I thought the blog was cute and I wish I could figure out a way to keep the missionaries from disturbing my family dinner hour without resorting to fire. :P

  17. Weston Krogstadt says:

    I love being Mormon.

  18. Thomas Martin says:

    As a Mormon, I appreciate people’s efforts to defend us but I have to admit that Merc is correct about Mormon theology. Polygamy is only suspended but remains a valid part of Mormon doctrine.

    I have a sneaking suspicion that Merc is a Mormon him- or herself.

  19. Utahdave says:

    Charlotte, you’re rude and an idiot. You don’t even know your own religion. YOU are the one that should do a little research.

    Do you truly think the highest level in the celestial kingdom is for those who have been eternally married in the temple? Let’s say a couple is married in the temple. Two years later the wife happens to pass away in a car accident. Can the Widower re-marry someone else in the temple and sealed “for time and all eternity” to him? …in addition to the first wife??? yes. He’s sealed to both women, and believes he will be with both of them in the next life.

    In addition to D&C 132, do you even have a clue what Brigham Young has said in regards to plural marriage? Seriously, do you? Here’s a little tidbit for YOU to do a little research on.

    “The only men who become Gods, even the Sons of God, are those who enter into polygamy,” (Journal of Discourses, vol. 11, p. 269).

    Clearly, I know a bit more about our religion than you do.
    Good night to you.

  20. Charlotte says:

    Just to make this clear for you,
    Latter Day Saints/Mormons are not polygamists. I repeat.
    We are not polygamists.
    You, intelligent author, have confused Latter Day Saints or Mormons,as you all prefer to call us, for the Fundamentalist Latter Day Saints. The FLDS are the ones who keep up polygamy. The young women in the FLDS are married around their early teens. If we were polygamists, then I’d be married by now. I’m sixteen. Do I have a wedding ring on my finger? I do not.
    Are you really so desperate for good writing material that you decide to jot down incorrect information?

    I advise you to do a little research next time you decide to bash a religion you clearly know nothing about.
    Good night.

  21. Ian Fortey says:
    I’m having trouble building up the desire to seriously defend an article chiefly concerned with comparing and contrasting Mormons with zombies.
  22. Merc says:

    Charlotte, I suggest you re-read D&C 132, the doctine of plural marriage. The LDS church has not gotten rid of it. The church cannot remove the doctrine because it would call into question the legitimacy of all of Joseph Smith’s work.

    OD-1 only suspended the practice of it due to political and legal pressure in order to secure statehood for Utah.

  23. Ashton Crueler says:

    Merc, you’re a fool. There are no real mormons that practice polygamy. I’m not a mormon, but at least I’m smart enough to understand who they are.

    Yeah, go read D&C 132. Wait, oh wait… so it’s been suspended and that one day all the mormons are going to one day abduct 30 wives and become polygamists because you say that it’s in their doctrine?

    The world would do much better without people like you, sir.

  24. John says:

    UtahDave, you’re an idiot. The journal of discourses isn’t Mormon doctrine, and never will be. You are right about being sealed to two women if one dies. But you clearly know very little about your religion.

  25. heythatsmybike says:

    Mormons haven’t believed in polygamy for a long time now. Practicing polygamy is grounds for excommunication from the Mormon church. http://www.pbs.org/mormons/faqs/controversies.html (The fourth question down addresses polygamy.)
    I’m not Mormon, but I have a lot of friends who are, and I thought this would be a really funny bit (and some of it was) that I could share with my Facebook friends. But the polygamy thing is just promoting ignorance, and I refuse to be a part of that.
    The Mormons banned polygamy in 1890. It’s been over 100 years. Think if other countries assumed that the U.S. was still participating in slavery and mentioned it frequently in TV and movies. It’s the same idea – yes, it was allowed, but it’s not anymore and hasn’t been for over 100 years.

  26. Ian Fortey says:
    Ask your Mormon friends what a fundamentalist Mormon is, then ask how many wives they have.  Also, it was a joke.  Zombies are’t big on committment in general, monogamous or otherwise.
     
     
  27. Note of Interest says:

    Actually, the Mormon doctrine doesn’t disallow polygamy specifically. It says only that they will respect “the law of the land” of wherever they are in regards to marriage.

    …unless a state passes gay marriage. Then, they mobilize an attack not unlike zombies.

  28. DonkeyXote says:

    I hate mormons with a passion.

    Pushy fuckers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NO is NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

  29. Sung Seets says:

    Wow thats some pretty funny stuff. Zombies are just cool like that.

    http://www.online-privacy.edu.tc

  30. Maria says:

    Mainstream Mormons do not practice polygamy with living wives. However, Polygamist sects still do exist.

    Also, mainstream Mormons practice what’s called “Celestial Polygamy.” Example: Mormon man and woman are married (sealed) in the temple. Mormon woman dies. Mormon widower meets another non-sealed Mormon woman. They get married, and sealed. At this time, according to church doctrine, that man has 2 wives. One might be dead, but both marriages are accepted by the church.

    Celestial polygamy also refers to polygamy being practiced in the afterlife, where a man will have more than one wife. This is taught in mainstream Mormonism.

  31. Anonymousy says:

    If mainstream Mormons were still polygamists, they would have many converts. They wouldn’t need to go door to door…people would flock to them. But it would soon turn into a sausage fest, so they would have to accept gay polygamous people, and then it would be just like San Francisco, only in Utah.

  32. Maria says:

    No, no sausage fest. Unfortunately, in polygamous societies, when they run out of adult women, they start to marry off teenage girls. For example, Joseph Smith married 14 year old Helen Mar Kimball.

  33. grlfromthenrthcntry says:

    Anonymous is definitely joking here…

  34. Ashton Crueler says:

    maria took that seriously… obviously she’s bitter about something..

  35. Mari says:

    I’ve never had Mormons knock on my door.. only Jehovah’s witnesses. I would like to see the response if, instead of picking on this minority group, the article treated Jews, Atheists, or Catholics in the same fashion. I’m not Mormon, but the fact is the humor in the article is crass and unnecessary. I expected, like many others, something witty about unique peculiarities that exist in Mormon belief.

  36. Ian Fortey says:
    I could have worke dup something about Jews or Catholics probably, wouldn’t have worked so well with the fire on the porch joke, though.  In any case – zombies.  I wrote about zombies.  This was not a philosophical treatise.