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How to Abuse the New Features of the iPhone 4s

smashed phone screen

After ages of speculation, Apple finally made their big announcement that you can cram the iPhone 5 in your Mac hole, you’re getting another iPhone 4.  A 4s in fact!  The extra s is for “sex.”  You know, if you do that with phones. Otherwise it’s for Siri, maybe.  Or “suckas!” or any number of other quick and easy jokes we could make here.


The new phone is offering up a ton of new features sure to get geeks and non-geeks alike all excited but remember, the iPhone is the must have tech gadget for people who don’t give a canned fart for all the technical features.  They want to look cool and be able to play apps, take pictures and text incessantly with poor grammar further destroying the English language.  And for those people, we offer up this handy guide on what you can do with the new features on the iPhone 4s.


 new iphone 4s camera

One of the biggest features that has people all excited is the iPhone 4s’ new camera.  Not only does it capture images 33% faster and offer improved HD video at 1080p, it’s rocking an 8 MP camera.  What does that mean for you?  Glad you asked!


  • With the new iPhone 4s camera, the definition on the pubic hair of senators and congressmen as they send inappropriate photos to prostitutes and interns around the country will be breathtaking.
  • Girls with abandonment issues desperate for the approval of strangers will be able to take rich, detailed duck face photos in their bathroom mirrors.  The off-yellow ring in the toilet, the errant hairs in the razor and the bunched up undies in the corner will all come through as clear as day.
  • The inside of your pocket when you accidentally turn your phone on and snap off a few stills will look almost true to life.


Double Processing Speed

Processing speed is technically important to anyone who uses a computer but only actually important to those who know what it means.  To everyone else it’s pleasant enough to hear that their gizmo is fast.  No one likes a slow gizmo.  That’s why microwaves are sexier than ovens, because they can make a burrito in a minute, and that shitty oven is barely even warm by then.  Now that you have a double fast iPhone 4s, how can it help you get through your day?  Well, let’s consider;


  • Twice the processing speed means you can switch from drunk texting that person you just met in a bar to trying to get the 3rd star in that last level on Angry Birds lightning quick!
  • Your clock is going to be wicked fast.  Like, seconds will probably only take a second to go by, for reals.
  • Every time you take a video of the police tasing someone at a protest, rally or college campus event, you’ll be able to load, fast forward, rewind and replay like it was gliding across butter.



Most people enjoy the stylistic features of a new phone.  Smaller, thinner, sexier, these are the “ers” that people long for in their technology.  One day if we manage to master postage stamp-sized phones, celebutantes may never need to by vibrators again because every chance they get to be seen in public taking a call will be orgasmic.  But isn’t there something to be said for being ubiquitous?   That’s what Apple is all about, after all.  Lucky for you, iPhone 4s had you in mind by changing the design of the 4s in no way from the previous iPhone!


  • Hide in plain sight by looking like everyone else who now has a discount iPhone 4!
  • When next gen phones appear and you’re still saddled with a phone that looks 4 years out of date, you can say it’s your old phone and you’re just trying to make the zit popper app work on it for your kid brother



Download Speed


The iPhone 4s boasts download speeds of 14mbps which is fast for a mobile device.  How fast?  Fast enough for this!


  • Download feature length movies anywhere ensuring you don’t have to speak to people on buses, trains, planes, at work, on the street, at home or anywhere, ever again!
  • Enjoy tiny screen online gaming until your face actually develops a permanent squint from hours on hours of trying to function using a screen the size of a deck of cards!
  • Download dozens upon dozens of terrible apps that you’ll use once and forget in the blink of an eye.





This is Apple’s big development for the iPhone 4s, Siri, a voice recognition system that will interact with you. It’s supposed to be able to understand context and allow you to speak naturally when asking questions, setting appointments or whatever you need to do.  And it talks back to you.  And that friends, leads us to this list of words you need to teach Siri to say on at least a semi-regular basis;


  • Anus
  • Twat
  • Shit-tickets
  • Lohan
  • Ululate
  • Stank
  • Squat
  • Cramp
  • Dong
  • Crunk
  • Shatner
  • Shocker
  • Teabaggers
  • Palin
  • Cockamamie
  • Fornicate
  • Bush
  • Holy Taco

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