How to Be a Hobo (Based on Observation Only)

So you’ve decided to eschew society’s comforts in favor of beggary and frostbite, good for you!  It’s no easy task to simply let go of the material aspect of your life and become the thing most people equate with a living, breathing fart.   Is that a terrible thing to say about a person?  Of course, which is why most people’s view of the homeless is terrible.  Good luck!

Being homeless is not quite as simple as just not having a home, at least from what we’ve seen.  Who’s to say anyone you pass on the street actually has a home?  You just assume.  There’s something that sets actual homeless people apart, something that makes them more easily identifiable, and that’s what we’re going for here.  Strap on your bindle staff and let’s go on a journey.

Get Rid of Your Home

Um, well.  Yeah.

Adopt a Tic

The reason you know a homeless person is not because they carry some kind of sign around proclaiming they need your money.  Er. Well, that helps. But also, if he lost that sign in a freak busking accident, you’d likely still recognize him (or her, let’s support equal squalor) by a hilarious variety of tics, quirks and the odd paroxysm.  Used the thesaurus to find that one.

Regular folks walk down a street like so –

A hobo has to be able to pull this off –

What’s happening there?  Is his hat made of foil?  Is he throwing feces at children?  There’s a lot of possible events taking place right before our eyes and we just don’t know.  Because the homeless do things differently.

Refine Your Look

Before we get too far, remember that some homeless people can make more panhandling than the average wage out there.  Some of these crazy cats are making upwards of $50,000 a year or more, and that ain’t bad.  If you want to get in on that sweet money, you need to look the part.  But don’t be hasty.  Not every hobo has the look of a millionaire hobo.  For instance, which of these two gentlemen looks more appealing to you?

Ha ha, of course they’re both terrible, but the first one looks like he might shit in your shoe while the second one looks like he’ll try to shine it, so that’s not bad.  You need to be the loveable tramp, not the terrifying one who haunts a methadone clinic.

Try to get the right hobo accessories as well.  People love a hobo with accessories.

Hone Your Crazy

Homelessness is not a particularly pleasant experience for anyone but there is at least a positive spin you can put on it if you find yourself in that position – you are truly free.  Society as we generally accept it has implicit rules.  Some of these rules include that you can’t defecate outdoors, you need to be polite to others and you should act with a degree of decorum in all situations and not “cause a scene.”  Well, shit.  If you’re homeless, you cause a scene.  Why?  Because why not?  Try to follow this checklist as best you can and you’ll fit in in no time.