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How to Be a Mall Santa

So you’ve decided to be society’s version of herpes, good for you!  Now is the season when mall Santas are in higher demand than ever because early June mall Santas are usually serial killers who are actually volunteers more often than not.  Many positions have already been filled but never forget, this last two weeks is also when many amateur Santas break down and end up incarcerated for public drunkenness, lewdness, theft, arson, devilry, botulism, hate crimes, kidnapping and various other crimes that often include the terms “statutory” or “penis.”

Get a Santa Suit

This is really key to becoming a proper mall Santa.  Without a Santa suit you’re basically just a sex offender trying to get children to sit in your lap in public and history tells us you’re not going to be super successful doing such a thing.  Ad even if you were; gross.  Stop that.

A Santa suit can be procured just about anywhere fine costumes are sold or, if you’re more frugal, you could try to make one out of some velvet and hair shorn from the elderly.  Elder hair makes great festive trim.  Unless your elders are those skuzzy types who smoke so their white hair turned a little off white, maybe eve yellow, so they look like they have pee stains in their hair.  Way to end your life, Gramps.  You look like a toilet brush.

Try not to be a Felon

This harkens back to our previous point about children and laps.  Let’s face it, when it comes to a strange man in disguise holding children, most of the ways this scenario ends are less hilarious and more soul-shattering than a site like Holy Taco is ready to deal with.  In the interests of making things easier for you and the children you’re far too close to, don’t be a horrible monster.  Because you’ll totally lose this Santa gig if it turns out you have a room in which you paint clowns and a crawl space that smells like the alley behind a KFC.

If you are a felon, and hey, we all make mistakes, maybe be a loveable felon.  Like an embezzler or maybe a drug kingpin.  Those of you who aren’t drug kingpins probably found that suggestion offensive but I my experience watching movies, drug kingpins (or czars, if you will) seem to be fairly well appointed gentlemen with no malice towards children.  Basically don’t be a guy who owns a cube van.  You know what I’m talking about.

Develop a Tolerance for Children

Now just because you’re a drug czar in a Santa suit doesn’t mean you’re going to be cool with 1,001 kids punching your nuts all day.  You need to build up a bit of a thick skin, maybe not literally as nut skin shouldn’t be too thick, that’s weird.  But metaphorically you need to center yourself.  You’ll probably want to murder those kids and their parents about 1/3 of the way through day one but remember, as soon as you start murdering people, it’s very difficult to stop until you’re gunned down.  And, in general, employers will frown upon any and all murders that take place on the clock.  And sometimes even in your own personal time.  It’s the world we live in.

Your best bet is to force your rage deep, deep down where you can channel it towards other things, like drinking.  When you’re in the moment, try to keep your cool by imagining how those kids would feel if they knew you were doing their mom. Maybe try doing their mom.  But on the sly and only if she’s into it.

Have Nothing Else

In order to function as a proper mall Santa you really need to be at rock bottom. If there’s anything in life ringing you joy, that’s going to be the seed or resentment in you when you realize what you’re doing.  You’re going to start thinking you deserve better, you can do better and you are better.  And as long as any of that is true, you’ll be a terrible mall Santa.  You need to have no hope, no prospects and no shame at all to do this properly.  Kids can smell dignity and they’ll shit on it.  Literally.  Kids will literally shit on you.  You need to not care about that.  You need to not care about anything.

Mall Santas are basically the festive nightmare of Frederich Nietzsche.  Embrace that and run with it and you’ll get through the season in one piece.  That piece might have shit on it, but of course you don’t care.

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