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How to Be Mistaken for a Pedophile

Today’s guest article is by C. Coville, who knows a thing or two about being creepy.

At first, you might say to yourself “Why would anyone want to be mistaken for a pedophile? Unless you are into society-wide shunning and getting beaten up in prison, it seems like a strange path to take. But unknown to many, looking like a pedophile does have its advantages. Maybe you constantly have kids getting on your lawn, and you want to encourage their parents to do something about it. Maybe your wife wants you to visit her sister’s family with their three annoying children for the summer. Maybe you just don’t like the idea of noise from the daycare center that’s about to be built next to your home. If any of these things apply to you, the following steps will make sure that you never have any problems related to child proximity. Ever again.

Step 1: The Mustache

This is the basic ingredient for any pedophile-like appearance. Although science has yet to prove exactly why, it is a commonly accepted fact that approximately 97% of pedophiles have at least one mustache. This also applies if you are female.

See? With one simple addition, enhanced by the “I’m stalking you’ hat, James Bond is suddenly way too fond of minors.

While the necessity of the mustache is not under question, you must be sure to do it right. One of those trendy hipster mustaches will not do. Anything fancy, like a Motorhead, a prodigiously styled beast like Kurt Russell’s in Tombstone, or worst of all, mutton chops, will instantly label you as “I’m a guy deliberately growing a mustache.’ No, you want the simple, trimmed, understated stache. The idea is to look like the mustache just sprung out on your face on its own volition, as if it figured that you were a pedophile and sensed your need for one.

Daniel Craig’s mustache drives him to haplessly check the perimeters for underage Taylor Swift fans nearby

Step 2: The Glasses

Unfortunately, a mustache alone won’t quite propel your face quite far enough into the pedophile-looking ranks. To finish the job, you need a good pair of glasses. Once again, choice is important here. Even a person with both a mustache and glasses will not resemble a pedophile if he does not choose his styles carefully. Those trendy rectangular lenses are way out, as are anything voluntarily worn by anyone under 40 in the last two decades or so. Your glasses should have been designed , and preferably made , pre-1980. They should be big, wire-rimmed and if possible, incorporate thick lenses.

This man is not interested in either of these women.

If you have perfect vision, this might be a problem, so think carefully about how far you are willing to go for your art.

Step 3: Choose Your Clothes Wisely

Now that you have perfected the “pedophile face’, it’s time to move on to the rest of you. The most important thing you need to remember about pedophile clothing is that short shorts are a must. You must banish forever the below-the-knee, baggy type that all the kids are wearing these days. No, you are going to go for the tiny men’s shorts that have been mercifully unpopular since the 80′s. These are somewhat hard to find these days, having long been banished to the inner circle of Hell, so you might have to make your own. This can be done by buying a cheap pair of jeans or trousers (make sure they’re tight!) and cutting them at approximately the area where your legs join your hips.

The two styles on the left will work well.

As for the rest of your clothes, make them as unassuming as possible. Remember, in most ways you want to look like you are trying to blend in to society, with your true pedophile nature only struggling its way to the surface every now and then. Think trousers, shirts and woolen vests, and anything you might have seen the presenter wearing when you watched those VHS science videos back in high school. Try to use the color brown, which for some reason pedophiles are drawn to like children to candy. Corduroy may also be employed in moderation. Another bonus of wearing “normal’ clothing is that when you are wearing your shorts, it will make the absence of pants even more disturbing.

And while we’re on general appearance, lose some weight. There is no such thing as an obese pedophile. You need to be skinny to look like you’d be able to catch up to your small but energetic prey.

Step 4: Acquire a Rape Van

A rape van is the ultimate accessory for any wannabe sex offender or, in your case, wannabe sex offender impersonator. It must , this is not an option , include painted-over or at least blocked-out windows, and it should preferably be white or some other light color for increased anonymity. If you are worried about the expense of acquiring a new vehicle, consider the fact that the older your van appears, the better.

Your new ride.

The van’s appearance is also important. Here you have a choice: either neglect your vehicle and allow it to remain in a state of decrepitude, or keep it obsessively clean, giving the implication that you are erotically obsessed with your abduction tool. If you choose this route, a good way to keep your van clean is to wash it in your front yard every Saturday, perhaps incorporating the tiny shorts mentioned in the last entry. Be sure to smile creepily and wave at anybody that walks by.

Step 5: Choose A Good Profession

Skimming the headlines of late, you might think that a good position for a fake pedophile is inside a public school or church. However, the problem is that both of these jobs usually require years of commitment before you can get a decent job in the field. Also, aware of their new pedophile-haven reputation, there is a good chance that these institutions might see your van and mustache and politely turn you down, possibly before calling the cops. And while an arrest might be stellar for your pedo reputation, you will probably not be treated pleasantly by law-enforcement officers.

So, you might have to think outside the box a little when it comes to a profession that gives you easy access to children, and yet which does not require much training. Some possible examples are:

,¢ Primary-school janitor

,¢ TSA agent

,¢ Ice cream truck driver

,¢ Carnie

,¢ Neighborhood kitten walker

and anything else you can think of that will make people visibly shudder when you mention what you do for a living.

Step 6: Change Your Name

Let’s face it, pedophiles tend to operate within a narrow range of names. If your parents named you some trendy crap like Carson or Jayden, the name probably needs to go. When was the last time you saw a picture in the paper of a pedophile named “Carson’?

Changing your legal name is quite easy to do these days, and the choice is easy too, since 65% of the pedophiles in the world are somehow named Gary.

Even famous Garys can’t escape

As for a surname, put yourself in Gary the Pedophile’s shoes for a minute. You don’t want an easily identifiable name that will trigger anyone’s memories from news reports. “Gary Smith, Jr.’ is ideal.

Congratulations, Gary! You now greatly resemble somebody with an uncontrollable sexual attraction towards children. The fruits of your labor will become apparent next Halloween, when you will be able to sit on your front lawn on a lawn chair, eating candy in the blissful knowledge that no one in the neighborhood will allow their children to ask you for any. You will never be solicited about Girl Scout cookies or bake sales again, either. And no matter how bad the teenage punks are in your area, chances are that they will run screaming in fear at the sight of you, as will most other people. Your wife will probably divorce you and you will die alone, but it will all be worth it. Good luck!

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