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How to Be Vin Diesel

Vin Diesel started life as a break dancing afro samurai, or something very much like that.  When he was born he was 200lbs of muscle and forced, gravelly voice.  He punched out the doctor that delivered him but only because that doctor was secretly dealing smack to other babies. Smack babies.  Vin Diesel uppercuts the plaque off of his own teeth.  Enough of the biography, more paragraphs await further down the page!

If you want to be Vin Diesel, and you do, you need to get to work.  First, what do you look like?  You look like you’re a tube sock full of jam.  Vin Diesel looks like a spandex body stocking full of maple wood and concrete.  Defeat your jamminess and do it properly or fail and be considered Paul Walker for life.

The best way to get into Vin Diesel shape is to kill stupid aliens.  You might think it’s fastly and furiously driving but that is so incorrect.  That just makes you look so cool you don’t even know, it does not make you look like you were carved out of the sternum of Lou Ferrigno.  No, to polish that look you need to kill aliens, there’s no other way.  Please be careful in your choice of alien.  Killing an alien like ET will give you the physique of Jeff Bridges as best.  Maybe Jeff Daniels.  Definitely a Jeff though.  Is that what you’re going for?  Is it, Jeff?  Stop reading this article immediately.

Now that Jeff is gone we can continue.  Vin Diesel put on goggles and murdered a whole swarm of ugly space fruit bats, so maybe you should get your goggles on and try to kill a pelican or something.  Wrestle the shit out of that pelican.  They’re big birds though, don’t underestimate them for a second or they will probably gore you.  Pelicans gore, yeah?

In between pelican fights, do some crunches to work those abs.  It’s a known fact that pelican mayhem doesn’t really hit your core area.  But it should be good for your lats and delts and quads.  Did I just make all three of those words up?  Of course not, but I don’t know what they mean.  I think they’re ass muscles.  I write on the internet, I can’t even guarantee I have muscles.

Now choose your name from the following!

First names:

Last Names:

You’ll notice Vin and Diesel are not on the list.  But you want to be Vin Diesel right, so why not just call yourself Vin Diesel?  Because identity theft is a crime, you miscreant.

So now you’re Headwound Crawlspace and pelicans all along the coast fear you.  What next?  Time to get serious.  Seriously serious.  Dieselerious.

Vin Diesel is at his most serious when he’s fasting furiously or XXXing.  I only say this because, if you look over his acting history, he’s sort of only made like 7 movies and then sequels.  He’s either Riddick, XXX or Fasty McFurious.  Did you know they’re making Fast and Furious 6?  It’s probably going to be called Live Fast or Die Furious.   That’s what I’d call it.  But no time for tangents!

You should try to race cars against Ice Cube while blowing up crooked federal agents from space, just to safe.  That’ll get you in prime Vin Diesel headspace.  Then beat the tar out of a pelican, just to make a point.

Anyway, you’re Vin Diesel now, so enjoy that.  Whatever.  Stop making shitty sequels.

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