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How to Be Wrong

As some of you know, I’m an avid Twat.  Ha ha!  I play with linguistics.  But seriously, as part of my job, I’m on Twitter a lot and, unofficially, part of my job is to make fun of Donald Trump.  I now present to you a series of tweets that resulted from me making fun of Trump’s gun control tweet.

Or not.  By the time it was all over my terrible conversation with @aliceykim had vanished behind a wall of her protected account.  But what started it and what made it so terrible? She defended Trump with the classic “guns don’t kill people” argument, which I found charming and made fun of.  Just look!


As you can see, she was just adorable.  I’ll take this opportunity to say I have no desire to debate gun control here.  I was just making fun of Trump, really.  I do it all the time.  It doesn’t even matter what he says, he’s just such a goon I like to use him to get some laughs.  I’m aware he’s probably never read anything I’ve said, I don’t do it for him, it’s just for the joke.  But I digress.

Our friend Alice soon replied with this;


Oh good lord, stop the train.  Really?  Now this is about where I lost it and not because of what she said – I don’t even like my mother and I’m not even 100% sure she meant me or the other guy included in the tweet.  Or maybe she hates Trump’s mom, I don’t know.  It’s that she said it.  She said this.  We bantered in an antagonistic way about gun control and, being on the opposite side of the argument, she decided that rape was in order.  You don’t agree with me so I hope someone you presumably care for is violently assaulted because if you believe what I do, it wouldn’t happen.  But because you’re so stupid, you deserve this terrible pain, as do people related to you.

I like Chicago style hot dogs.  You like Fenway Franks.  Your kind sucks, I hope someone rapes you who has an allergy to dill and would have stayed away from you had you been eating a Chicago style dog.

You think Ghost Rider 2 was better than Hulk 2?  I hope Stan Lee rapes your dog.  Does anyone really think this way?  Yes.  Alice Kim does.

I railed on Alice for quite a while after this because she was every cliché of a stupid internet commenter rolled into one.  Every bad debate technique, every predictable reply that you could feel her taking pride in, she did.  Then she settled on pretending she thought it was all funny and she didn’t care what anyone said, a tack that really falls apart and exposes itself as bullshit when you then lock your Twitter account to make it all go away.

This offended me even more.

I could tell before she locked down her Twitter account that she was full of shit.  Her language choices gave her away as a kid, someone not as mature as they feel they are, who got backed into a corner and let ignorance be their weapon.  I fully support being offensive.  I love it.  I’ve written things that have gotten me in heaps of trouble, I’ve been fired from past writing gigs and been chewed out by bosses for making poor choices more than once.  And I consciously choose to either respect the wishes of my employers, or face the consequences.  And that’s the key.  You face up to it.  You own your bullshit.

Gilbert Gottfried famously told a joke at a roast of Hugh Hefner about wanting to take a direct flight to New York but being told the plane needed to make a stop at the Empire State Building.  He told this joke 3 weeks after 9/11.  He was booed.  The audience hated him.  And his reaction was to throw out the rest of his material and jump right into a telling of the Aristocrats.  As far as I can tell, that joke had never really been told in front of a crowd before.  It wasn’t a crowd joke.  It’s not funny and it’s not supposed to be and that’s kind of why it’s funny, if that makes sense.  But he did it because his other option was to slink away.  And even if you hate Gilbert Gottfried and don’t think he’s funny, he owns his shit.  Years later he lost his job with Aflac for jokes about the Japanese tsunami.  He’s tasteless because he can be.  He didn’t deny what he did or hide, he took his hits and to this day he still makes tasteless jokes.  So does Jim Norton.  So does Amy Schumer.  Lots of people do and I love each and every one of them even if their jokes sometimes fall flat because for every fool who claims to love the First Amendment and uses that as a way to somehow bolster their own silly arguments, other people beat a mudhole into that Amendment.  The tyranny of the ignorant, of the Westboro Baptists, the Victoria Jacksons and the Ted Nugents, is met with equally offensive witty comebacks.  That’s free speech.  You say what you want and you face what comes as a result.

Tell me you want my mother to be raped but stand tall and proud when I tell you what a broken, damaged wreck of a mangled twat you are.  Eat it up when I retweet you for everyone to see and get countless others to rain down vitriol on your head because you asked for it.  You asked for it so grab your spoon and eat that shit along with me.  Because if you don’t, if you hem and haw and hideaway like a coward and use every cliché, stereotypical bullshit internet argument technique.  Then worse than an ignorant fool, worse than a moron, or an asshole, you’re a coward who doesn’t even believe their own bullshit.  You don’t even have the self respect of Donald Trump who stands proud of his shit and uses it as a badge of courage.

You’re just a blind, deaf and dumb meat sack groping around hoping for validation, hoping to make an impression and you’re running headlong into a wall of people who see you as a joke.  A bad joke that no one wants to repeat.  You suck at life.

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