How to Become a Beloved Boy Wizard

So you’ve decided to take up the life of a fictional, impish boy wizard of some renown, good for you!  It’s no small task to take up the slack that Harry Potter left behind when JK Rowling decided her mountain of money had grown just high enough so that she couldn’t see the ground any longer.

Your biggest hurdle to living the life of a boy wizard will be the fact that magic isn’t exactly real.  Another potential hurdle is if you’re not a boy, but Chaz Bono managed to leap that and look at his physique.  You can manage it, it’ll just take some effort.  No, getting past that magic thing is where the big problem lies.

Simply being a boy wizard isn’t really the goal though, if you’re familiar with Harry Potter you’ll understand that there were dozens of boy wizards that ranged from that foolish ginger kid to that pompous Aryan child.  You don’t want to be one of them, that’ll get you nowhere, so you’re going to need to focus on the more charming, clueless and totally unaware aspects of the persona that seem to so bedazzle and enthrall children and adults who read children’s books alike.

Lack of Self Reliance

A good boy wizard knows when he’s outmatched and is therefore willing to rely on the assistance of others pretty much exclusively. Do you have a ginger kid and a girl who internet nerds think is gorgeous in a very creepy, wasn’t she under 18 for like 6 of those movies way?  Maybe you should find them.  Failing that, there are a handful of other generally accepted magical sidekicks you may want to invest in;

• A singing teapot
• Sean Astin
• Sean Connery
• Dormice
• A talking lion
• A green, piggy ghost
• Dwarves in varying numbers
• Selena Gomez

Utilize these magical sidekicks to accomplish all of your goals while inexplicably still seeming like you yourself are the hero.  Also you can maybe get a really memorable song or two out of some of them.  Never ask this of Sean Connery, he will only punch your mouth while making eye contact.

Far Away Stare

A good hero has to look like he never knows where he is at the best of times.  This is doubly so for a boy wizard because of all that boyishness and magical wonderment and so forth.  Look at these boyish wizards;

That’s Peter Macnicol in the movie Dragonslayer.  He’s totally full of surprise and dubious what-the-shittery in this picture.  He’s an apprentice wizard so you know he’s a buffoon, and for whatever reason he doesn’t feel it necessary to protect his head and face from dragon fire.  Your face is like the most burnable thing you have.  Or at least the last thing you want burnt, next to your crotch.

Look, it’s Willow.  Now strictly speaking he was neither a boy nor a wizard, but he dabbled in magic during the course of the film and was decidedly short, so there you go.  Daniel Radcliffe is about 5’6” tall and Warwick Davis is only 3’6”, so who do you think is the more boyish wizard?  Plus look at his expression in that picture, he’s like “weeeee!” or some such, like he just discovered boobs for the first time.  That’s the expression every wizard should master.  Maybe look at some boobs to prepare you for this if you’re in a bind.

Charming Accent

If you have to say something like “spermulo fantastico!” to summon a lightbulb in the dark, because that’s the wizardy thing to say, people are going to think you’re an idiot.  If you start casting spells with the voice of Larry the Cable Guy, all you’ll ever do is summon slugs and light your own house on fire, because there’s no magic in that accent.  No offense, the South.  If you’re looking to set someone on fire with a magic incantation, try one of these charming accents;

Magic

Well, you knew this was coming, how do we pull off the magic step in this equation?  You can hardly be a boy wizard if you’re not actually a wizard, right?  Wrong.

Listen, I don’t want to make you feel bad or anything, I know there are a lot of really devout Harry Potter fans out there.  Look at this;

That’s a girl swallowing her own panicked frenzied sobs as she meets Daniel Radcliffe for what probably lasted about 60 seconds.  Her entire brain broke.  And Daniel Radcliffe isn’t even a wizard!

The startling truth is that Harry Potter is not, in fact, real.  Magic isn’t real.  We’d be quite silly if we tried to tell you how to do magic.  But it doesn’t need to be real because Harry Potter up there can still make thousands of girls cry and could probably hump a new woman every night for the rest of his life without even having to remember her name.  Plus he’s a bajillionaire. That’s about as close to magic as this world gets.  So get famous like him.  Maybe play a wizard in a series of movies based on the most popular children’s books of all time or whatever.  You’ll be a shoo-in!