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How To Celebrate Columbus Day

Columbus Day

Columbus Day is right around the corner, and the fact that you don’t care is very telling. It could be that you realize you didn’t get the full story of Columbus’ discovery of the new world when you were a kid, and you feel society let you down.

So, this coming Monday, do the world a favor by reaching out to young impressionable children and use this simple, step-by-step guide to teaching them a thing or two about the real story of Christopher Columbus.

1)      Build a time machine.

2)      Travel back in time to your own childhood.

3)      Sneak on to the grounds of your elementary school.

4)      Karate chop the school security guards in to submission as to not get arrested for being a perv.

5)      Break in to the janitorial closet and steal the janitor’s jumpsuit, as well as a mop and bucket.

6)      Pass by the classroom you were in at that time.

7)      Hold your ear to the door and listen carefully for your teacher explaining to the class (and to you) the wonders of Columbus Day. Listen to the passion with which your elementary school teacher tells the tale of Christopher Columbus, making his story seem much more incredible than it actually was.

8)      Listen carefully to how your teacher completely neglects to mention the fact that a great deal of the “facts” we know about Christopher Columbus’ journey were made up by Washington Irving in 1838.

9)      Kick open the door, scaring the crap out of your younger you. Literally. Your younger you is so terrified that he/you craps himself.

10)   Feel the horror of a newly formed memory spring in to your head relating to that time a guy exploded in to your 4th grade classroom and you shit your pants as a response, thus leading to being labeled “scared-y pants pooper” for the rest of your life.

11)   After this memory takes hold, crumple to the ground and cry while attempting to mention the fact that some 500 years prior to Columbus’ discovering of America, a group of Vikings made to American shores.

12)   Quickly realize your reasonable, fact-based argument actually sounds like this: “And…and…Columbus [wailing sobs]…he – he didn’t find America! [snot bubble] Some vi-vi-viiiikings diiiiiiiiiiid! [tear-induced dry heaves].”

13)   Get escorted off campus and placed in to a police squad car.

14)   Continue sobbing.

15)   Spend 1-to-3 years in prison for impersonating school personnel and for being, and I quote, “a blubber sack of sadness in the presence of children”.

16)   Get out of prison after 1 ½ years for good behavior.

17)   Forget where you left your time machine.

18)   Stay stuck in your own childhood forever.

If you follow these 18 simple rules, you’ll have a safe and educational Columbus Day.

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