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How to Cook Quinoa

Quinoa is a South America grain that has a long, boring history as do most grains if you ever find yourself hard up for reading material – the history of grains is sure to put you right to sleep.  It’s become something of a popular food item in the last decade or so because who knows why?  But how do you prepare the weird stuff?  Follow this handy guide and you’ll be up to your nuts in quinoa in no time.

  1. Rinse quinoa grains in water
  2. Cold water is fine
  3. Clean water is best
  4. Toast the quinoa in a pan.  But only if you like.  This is an optional step.  Calling it step four is unfair, really, since you don’t really need to do it, it’s just a personal preference and of course if you’ve never cooked quinoa before you have no preference at all and this entire step is only serving to make your life difficult.  What a prick I must be
  5. Ignore the previous step four.  This will now be step four.
  6. Put two parts water or stock to one part quinoa in a pot.  Technically this is step four since step five step four wasn’t even a step.
  7. Put the stove on to medium heat.  Just the one you’re cooking the quinoa on, no sense wasting electricity by firing up the other three burners.  Unless you’re cooking something else.  Are you?  Please let me know in the comments below
  8. Add some salt unless you’re one of those no salt people but it’s worth noting food without salt is silly ass.
  9. Bring quinoa and water or stock mixture to a boil.
  10. Watch your hands
  11. Shit
  12. Did you burn yourself?  A quinoa burn is going to hurt.  Starchy water and all that, your skin is going to look like a candle on the dash of a car in the summer heat
  13. Who puts a candle on their dash?
  14. No time for quizzes, you need medical attention before your flesh sloughs off like that dude who ran into the toxic waste canister near the end of Robocop.  ‘member him?  Gross
  15. Can you drive?  You need to see a doctor.  Run that hand under a cold tap for a minute.
  16. Feels alright, huh? Well you’re still sporting third degree quinoa burns.  That’s what killed Lincoln.  Don’t you dare try to suggest he was shot.
  17. Get your keys.
  18. Leave a radio on for the cat so he doesn’t get lonely
  19. Nah, pick a better station
  20. Cool, let’s roll
  21. Is this your car?  Dude….
  22. Maybe pencil in a day to clean up this shit hole of a car
  23. Keep your burnt hand elevated or something. It’s going to fill with fluid if you let it hang there like a ham
  24. You look like you’re getting a little woozy, maybe you should slow down
  25. For real, ease up on the gas there, Tokyo Drift
  26. Watch out for that truck
  27. The truck
  28. Truck!
  29. Ah hell
  30. That is some intense front end damage
  31. Do you smell gas?
  32. That’s definitely gas
  33. No idea why you couldn’t drive at a normal speed
  34. You brought this on yourself
  35. Oh shit, fire!
  36. Car’s on fire
  37. Know what’s bad for your burnt hand?  Fire.
  38. Ever run a burn under hot water? It’s like lava.  This’ll be way worse.
  39. Try the door.
  40. No dice?  Passenger door?
  41. Window?
  42. Shit.
  43. Oh look, good Samaritans
  44. Nah, they’re helping the truck driver
  45. Well, you had a good run

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